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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I really 'grossly irresponsible'?

494 replies

Saggingninja · 27/10/2016 13:19

My 12 year old daughter's best friend - 'Polly' comes to stay for a few days over half-term. Polly is 14. On the first day, Polly says she would love to go into town (Manchester) with Katie. So I give them money, make sure their phones are charged and send them off.

Both girls are sitting in a cafe having hot chocolate. Polly texts her mum to say she's having fun. Three minutes later Polly's mother calls me. I am 'grossly irresponsible letting two young girls go into town and anything could happen.'

I pointed out that it's half-term, there are likely to be loads of parents and children around and both girls go to school by bus every day. But Polly's mother is convinced their are gangs of Mancunian paedophiles lurking everywhere, so I dash into town to rescue the girls from having a nice time.

I had very overprotective parents who convinced me there were 'bad people' everywhere and kept me in a bubble. I grew up anxious and timid and was determined that my own children would be more confident. And our sons are far more likely to be victims of criminal violence. Our girls are in far more (statistical) danger of being assaulted by someone they know well.

Perhaps I should have told Polly's mother before I let them go. But she (Polly) seemed so pleased and there were two of them. Was I wrong?

OP posts:
ThoraGruntwhistle · 27/10/2016 14:35

I think I'd double check with the other mum, but I would be expecting an answer that pretty much consisted of: 'yes, of course it's fine, are you mad?'

LizzieMacQueen · 27/10/2016 14:35

Perhaps she was worried that Polly was using your DD as a front to meet up with boys (I mean if she had form for this). i remember being 'used' by my sister and getting dumped at the cafe door when she went off with her boyfriend - similar age too, 12 and 14.

Itmustbemyage · 27/10/2016 14:36

My youngest was in the cadets and from the age of 13 1/2 all cadets have to be prepared to travel alone if necessary (sometimes there was a group of them sometimes not) to join in with courses camps etc.
Because of where we live this meant he had to travel from the age of 14 more than 500 miles (in a group of 16 year old and under) on more than one occasion' using planes, trains and ferries. He has also travelled more than 100 miles on two trains on his own aged 15. many other cadets do this so there are a legion of us irresponsible parents out there- welcome to the club. He had a mobile phone, normal and emergency cash and very high level of confidence and he was fine.

WaitrosePigeon · 27/10/2016 14:40

You should have checked with Polly's Mum. It's none of your business how Polly's mum decides to parent. I wouldn't mind my daughter going into town at 14 but I would want you to check first.

YABU.

Chikara · 27/10/2016 14:40

YANBU - I am happy to see that people are giving their kids real independence and responsibility.

As far as the other mother goes - now you know I suppose.

PumpkinOfLinus · 27/10/2016 14:41

Poor Polly.

The woman's a loon.

MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 14:43

YANBU

Yes Polly's mother can parent however she likes but it wouldn't occur to me in the first place that this would be an issue that needed checking. Poor Polly having a mother like that.

JustSpeakSense · 27/10/2016 14:48

I think it's fine for 14 year olds to go into town on their own.

I do think You should have checked that Polly's mum would be ok with this first.

Purplebluebird · 27/10/2016 14:49

You were not irresponsible imo! Surely 14 is fine?! I used to go shopping with my friend in town at age 9!!! Smaller town, but still... 14 should be fine.

MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 14:51

If the OP should have informed Polly's mum well then likewise surely Polly's mum should have had to sense to let the OP know what she would and wouldn't be happy with for the few days she's staying in the OP's house?

CaptinMuma · 27/10/2016 14:55

That's a tuff one, she's 14 but as a mother I would like to know we're my girls are especially when not with an Adult. Times are different and over protective is not a bad thing. I think I'm going to find it hard letting my little girls go!

corythatwas · 27/10/2016 14:56

While I might have checked with Polly's mum first (purely to cover my own back) it is a bit of a grey area: when do you stop checking and assume that teens are old enough to speak for themselves? Do you still expect to have to ring mummy and ask about a 17yo? A 16yo? A 15yo? Polly had a phone- couldn't she have texted her mum and asked if she was ok with this? When does it stop being your responsibility and become that of the young person?

marcopront · 27/10/2016 14:56

If Polly's Mum is such a panicker, then why did Polly text her?

MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 14:56

Times are different and over protective is not a bad thing.

Protective is good and sensible. Over protective however is purely for the parent's benefit, not the child's.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 27/10/2016 14:59

Not really sure why at 14 with a phone of her own it's up to OP to tell Polly's mother and not up to Polly herself?

corythatwas · 27/10/2016 14:59

CaptinMuma, why are times different? Do you think young girls are more at risk than they used to be? Any statistics to bear this out?

Mumofttwins · 27/10/2016 15:01

Well Polly didn't think it would be an issue, or she wouldn't have text her Mum and been so honest.

YANBU. At all.

WorkAccount · 27/10/2016 15:01

"That's a tuff one, she's 14 but as a mother I would like to know we're my girls are especially when not with an Adult."

she was with them overnight, she had given responsibility to the OP.

Tomhardysmistress · 27/10/2016 15:02

I live outside Manchester myself and although I regularly allow DS who is 14 to go into our nearest town, I don't think I would feel comfortable with him going around the city of Manchester with a 12 year old. My DS is streetwise but would struggle in an unfamiliar city that is so easy to get lost etc.

I do think you should have checked with her parents.

x2boys · 27/10/2016 15:02

I used to go to Manchester all the time at that age i lived in Bury so ity wasent far i loved a mooch around Afflecks and the Arndale.

ObscureThing · 27/10/2016 15:03

I was in Manchester yesterday and it was full of bloody teens so yes, you were being unreasonable Wink

As an above poster noted though, some people really do think that Manchester is some Wire- like wasteland full of gangs itching to sell crack to teens.

Atenco · 27/10/2016 15:06

Times are different and over protective is not a bad thing

Actually over protective is a very dangerous thing, because at some point you have to let your "child" take control of their life but without having learnt how to discern what is safe and what is dangerous. My dd had a friend with an overprotective mother and got into no end of problems once she turned eighteen.

FurryLittleTwerp · 27/10/2016 15:10

What did Polly say when you picked them up?

You probably ought to have checked with mum but she would have said No. At least this way she had her 30 minutes of freedom Sad

ginnybag · 27/10/2016 15:11

At 14, I travelled an hour and a half alone to stay with a friend in Manchester overnight.

An afternoon's shopping after a 15 minute ride on a tram is hardly out of the question, especially when they both have mobiles.

I don't think you're grossly irresponsible, no. Hell, there's a college near us that expects its students, including the summer born, only-just-16 year old's to make their way home from courses at up to 9pm at night, using that same public transport, so mum might be in fro a bit of a shock if she keeps her daughter so much in a bubble for much longer.

TheyCallMeBell · 27/10/2016 15:11

I don't think you did anything wrong either.

At 14, I would expect Polly to know her boundaries. I wouldn't expect to have to police them if I were you.