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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I really 'grossly irresponsible'?

494 replies

Saggingninja · 27/10/2016 13:19

My 12 year old daughter's best friend - 'Polly' comes to stay for a few days over half-term. Polly is 14. On the first day, Polly says she would love to go into town (Manchester) with Katie. So I give them money, make sure their phones are charged and send them off.

Both girls are sitting in a cafe having hot chocolate. Polly texts her mum to say she's having fun. Three minutes later Polly's mother calls me. I am 'grossly irresponsible letting two young girls go into town and anything could happen.'

I pointed out that it's half-term, there are likely to be loads of parents and children around and both girls go to school by bus every day. But Polly's mother is convinced their are gangs of Mancunian paedophiles lurking everywhere, so I dash into town to rescue the girls from having a nice time.

I had very overprotective parents who convinced me there were 'bad people' everywhere and kept me in a bubble. I grew up anxious and timid and was determined that my own children would be more confident. And our sons are far more likely to be victims of criminal violence. Our girls are in far more (statistical) danger of being assaulted by someone they know well.

Perhaps I should have told Polly's mother before I let them go. But she (Polly) seemed so pleased and there were two of them. Was I wrong?

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 27/10/2016 13:33

I don't think the issue is whether or not it's ok to let kids go into town on their own or how safe this is. Every parent has the right to make their own judgment call on this. I don't think you were really unreasonable, but I think it's something that should probably have been discussed.

If you live in a different town or the countryside and Manchester is a longer trip, I can kind of understand P's mum's annoyance more. She may be unused to big cities. You get to odd post on MN from mums who don't like the idea of their children going to London, even accompanied, it could be a similar thing.

Original poster
Saggingninja · 27/10/2016 13:34

It'sallgoingtobefine - Ha Ha! No I wasn't in Glasgow, but 20 minutes out of Manchester. The girls went in on a 15 minute train ride.

I probably should have cleared it with Polly's mum but she's 14. I didn't think I needed to. Oh well.

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 27/10/2016 13:34

Also, the mum may be worried about the idea of her 14 year old being on her own with a 12 year old as opposed in a group of older children.

CharminglyGawky · 27/10/2016 13:35

She is 14 Confused Unless there are some sn we don't know about of course she should be able to go into town with a friend!

By 14 I was Christmas shopping alone and by 15 I was travelling across the country by train to babysit my cousins for full working days.

Poor 'Polly' is going to be one of the kids who at 18 find themselves at uni with no idea of how to look after themselves if her mum is this over protective in all respects!

TheProblemOfSusan · 27/10/2016 13:35

I was allowed to travel for half an hour on the train with a friend to go to Manchester for an afternoon shopping when I was 14/15, albeit that was some years ago and my dad worked there, but this was all pre-mobiles and we didn't really know our way round - my mum would pack us off with a map and forbid us to go to Affleck's Palace and to always stick together.

I think it's still fine but I guess you should have probably checked with the other mum.

(And yes of course we went straight to Affleck's.)

myownprivateidaho · 27/10/2016 13:36

Awww Affleck's Palace!! I also spent my early teenage Saturday afternoons moseying round there.

RebootYourEngine · 27/10/2016 13:37

My ds is 12 and him and his friends and class mates of boys and girls go into town and have done for a good year or two.

HanYOLO · 27/10/2016 13:37

Polly's mum (unless Polly has a reckless past, a history of untrustworthiness or SEN you are unaware of) is being ridiculous.

12purpleapples · 27/10/2016 13:38

It seems fine to me, unless there is a specific reason why it wouldn't have been OK for Polly then I think her mum is being over-protective.

Lweji · 27/10/2016 13:39

I'd let a 14 year old go alone, although not so much the 12 year old. Having said that, my 11 year old goes and comes from school by himself whenever I can't pick him up.
He'd be fine going to town if he knew the place and the public transport.

I think she was being overprotective.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/10/2016 13:40

Polly's mum is a bit OTT.
I know things have changed a lot since I was a young teen, but still - at that age (14) I was going into the local town on a bus/train by myself or with friends; I was cycling all over the place by myself (well, I'd been doing that since I was about 9 or 10!) - basically not a problem. I was working at 15 in a shop, for heaven's sake!

In many ways, it's easier now with mobile phones - parents can track their DC, DC can call home easily - we had to use payphones. SO yes, Polly's mum needs to get over herself.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 27/10/2016 13:43

YANBU and at 14 I wouldn't have considered contacting another parent to let them know they were going into town.

I expect the only reason they didn't just yell as they walked out the door is because they wanted money from you!

knowler · 27/10/2016 13:45

with the benefit of hindsight, you should probably have checked with her mum, but as you say, 14 seems a perfectly reasonable age to go into town with a friend.

I am also with you in terms of giving children and teenagers freedom to let them develop self-confidence. I had a mum like yours, and I am determined not to make my kids feel guilty for wanting to do things alone, like she did with me. A trip to the pub when I was 17(!) without telling her led to the silent treatment for days :(

mumofthemonsters808 · 27/10/2016 13:46

Going against the grain here, I can see where Pollys Mum is coming from, there is currently an issue with gangs of youths running amok on the tram, which has made the news and is an ongoing issue (well on our line into city centre). Piccadilly Gardens had a recent story where an innocent teenager had been beat up because she would not part with her phone. I would not say there were gangs of pedophiles lurking in the shadows, but in the past there has been very serious sexual assaults on teens using public toilets.

So I don't think the Mum's concerns are ridiculous, you should have run the arrangements by the Mother.THe ideal situation, would of been for you to go with them and perhaps let them have an hour or so doing their own thing and then meet up with them. I'm not an over the top parent but I know Manchester city centre well and I'm sorry but I don't think it's a safe environment for 12 and 14 year old kids.

OOAOML · 27/10/2016 13:46

I let my daughter go into the centre of Edinburgh with friends, and that's 15 minutes by bus where we are.

yesterdaysunshine · 27/10/2016 13:47

You did nothing wrong, but my own mother had a weird attitude to The City.

I wasn't allowed to go into The City until I was 15 for some reason Confused

GruochMacAlpin · 27/10/2016 13:47

I was allowed to go into town with a friend from just 13 yo and my Mum was considered really strict by my friends.

And it was a city similar to Manchester an hours bus ride away.

If your DD's friend had been 12 I would have thought to check but I would also have assumed that 14 was old enough.

Clearly it's up to the other Mum to decide boundaries for her own child but allowing a 14 yo to wander round a few shops is not "grossly irresponsible".

As the girl texted her Mum to say what a nice time they were having she obviously didn't know it was forbidden either.

Did the Mum come to pick up the DD that day? Because I wouldn't leave my child with someone I consider grossly irresponsible.

BantyCustards · 27/10/2016 13:47

Polly's mum needs to have an actual conversation with you about why she thinks Polly cannot cope in town at the age of 14 instead of telling you that you are 'irresponsible'.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 27/10/2016 13:47

How does she cope with Polly coming back from school on her own at 3.30 or whenever it is? Is the poor child allowed to do after school clubs if it means her travelling on her own?

MmmCuriouSir · 27/10/2016 13:48

...you should have checked with the the Mum, but you're not grossly irresponsible' just a bit thoughtless.

LemonBreeland · 27/10/2016 13:49

As Polly suggested it, I would have assumed that it was something she already did and her Mum was fine with. Especially since she is 14.

Groovee · 27/10/2016 13:49

I'd be more worried at 14 that a child doesn't have enough independence. We live in Edinburgh and dd regularly got the train to Glasgow from age 15, but could go shopping in nearby Livingston or into the city centre from about 12!

PlumsGalore · 27/10/2016 13:49

DD had a friend at school who was 14. The friend was in foster care in Yorkshire with her birth mother in London. Friend was allowed, with social services approval, to travel from Yorkshire to London to stay with her birth mother during school holidays and then back again.

She did so regularly, alone, she was 14.

Your friend is over reacting, I am assuming if town to you is Manchester then you live in the greater Manchester area anyway.

weveallkissedafrogor2 · 27/10/2016 13:50

14 is a difficult age.... are they 'streetwise' girls?
I possibly would have checked with mum first - sorry

Sparklesilverglitter · 27/10/2016 13:51

I think pollys Mum was a bit OTT. You did nothing wrong.

Yes maybe you should of checked with Mum but if she trusted you enough to have her DD stay then maybe she should of trusted you to make the right decision

At 14 & 12 two girls take a 15 minute bus ride to go in to town for hot choclate and look in a few shops I imagine. It's hardly shocking

Teenagers need a certain amount of freedom