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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I really 'grossly irresponsible'?

494 replies

Saggingninja · 27/10/2016 13:19

My 12 year old daughter's best friend - 'Polly' comes to stay for a few days over half-term. Polly is 14. On the first day, Polly says she would love to go into town (Manchester) with Katie. So I give them money, make sure their phones are charged and send them off.

Both girls are sitting in a cafe having hot chocolate. Polly texts her mum to say she's having fun. Three minutes later Polly's mother calls me. I am 'grossly irresponsible letting two young girls go into town and anything could happen.'

I pointed out that it's half-term, there are likely to be loads of parents and children around and both girls go to school by bus every day. But Polly's mother is convinced their are gangs of Mancunian paedophiles lurking everywhere, so I dash into town to rescue the girls from having a nice time.

I had very overprotective parents who convinced me there were 'bad people' everywhere and kept me in a bubble. I grew up anxious and timid and was determined that my own children would be more confident. And our sons are far more likely to be victims of criminal violence. Our girls are in far more (statistical) danger of being assaulted by someone they know well.

Perhaps I should have told Polly's mother before I let them go. But she (Polly) seemed so pleased and there were two of them. Was I wrong?

OP posts:
Kreeshsheesh · 27/10/2016 16:01

I once went to collect my (then ) 9yo DD from a 'play date' to discover that her friend's DM had allowed the girls to go for a wander down into the village with money to buy sweets, completely unaccompanied, crossing main roads, etc. I was really taken aback and then felt very uncomfortable. My DD hadn't ever gone out by herself in her own village! Maybe some will disagree but I felt that was wrong and I should've been asked. I would've said no. With a teenager, I'd expect her to know if she needed to check with her DM first. Perhaps you should've asked her to let her mum know before she went off?

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 27/10/2016 16:02

Was Polly staying in your house for a few days OP? Bit odd that such a protective mother wouldn't have mentioned this when she was dropping her daughter off. Going into town with friends seems to be young teenage girls No.1 activity!

YANBU

PollyPerky · 27/10/2016 16:03

It sounds as if the OP and Polly's mum don't communicate very much anyway.

I also think Polly might have been acting manipulatively: she knew the OP would be easy going, so she asked to do this, knowing her own mum would refuse.

So- cue for the OP to ask if she was normally allowed out in town and check with the mum anyway.

namechangedtoday15 · 27/10/2016 16:03

Actually Barbara - it would be interesting to know how many people here are actually from Manchester. As a post said on the first or second page, there have been quite a few incidents on the tram recently, a load of well reported cases of sexual assault in a manchester shopping centre, and in the last couple of weeks, certainly in my area, at least 3 reports of attempted child abduction.

But it goes back to the point that its not really my point of reference, or the OPs point of reference that is important. It's Polly's Mum's point of reference and I think when you are working on the basis that your child is going to someone's house, and those plans change to something that may be outside of the usual for a play date (such as going into the city centre unaccompanied) that as the supervising parent, you check with the other child's parent before you allow it.

MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 16:05

'So is the mum (Polly's mum) supposed to come up with a list in advance of what her DD is allowed to do and not do?'

Yes!

If you're the sort of person who imagines crooks and monsters hiding around every corner I think the obvious thing to do is to tell the host mother what you are and aren't comfortable with.

HubbleBubbles · 27/10/2016 16:05

Agree Barbara , I was getting the train into Manchester on my own/with friends 20 years ago (I was there a week or so after the bomb went off) - lots of mooching round Afflecks Palace eying up unsuitable older boys . No mobile phones for my poor mum to keep tabs. Was in Manchester a few weeks ago & it was all shiny and nice compared to when I was a teenager. Perfectly safe for a 14 year old I would have thought!

MuseumOfCurry · 27/10/2016 16:08

I can't believe she had the temerity to call you 'grossly irresponsible', given that her daughter is presumably staying with you for some time longer? WTF is that all about?

I have a 14 year old and he takes a 30 minute train in Central London to get to school daily. This is not a big deal. In your shoes, I probably would have texted her mother to confirm she was happy with the plan (out of extreme caution), but on the other hand I wouldn't expect someone to ask me for permission in the reverse.

I would tell this woman that she should find alternate childcare in the future.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/10/2016 16:10

My post was referring to the comments that 'the risks of going into a city centre without adult supervision for young teens are wholly different now' without specifying what those risks are and what has specifically changed. It could be that perception has changed to a much greater degree than the reality.

Of course people worry about assault, abduction, terrorism, muggings and everything else, but are they really so much more dangerous than 20/30 years ago that it is necessary for people to change their behaviour and restrict their teens freedom so much?

ObscureThing · 27/10/2016 16:11

The risks of going into a city centre without adult supervision for young teens are wholly different now (certainly in Manchester).

They aren't. Yes, there are occasional incidents. But the risk is incredibly low and fear-mongering about how dangerous it is is ridiculous.

And yes, I am from Manchester.

dinosaursarebisexual · 27/10/2016 16:16

My parents were very protective but at 12/13 we used to go into a big city by ourselves. At just turned 17 and very naive they let my best friend and I go on holiday by ourselves for two weeks in Europe. They must have been MAD. This was 30 years ago...

corythatwas · 27/10/2016 16:17

PollyPerky Thu 27-Oct-16 16:00:02

"Nonsense. Polly's mum should have let the OP she didn't want her daughter to go anywhere without adult supervision. This is Polly's mother's fault

So is the mum (Polly's mum) supposed to come up with a list in advance of what her DD is allowed to do and not do?

If her DD has stayed with this family before and they have never let her out without an adult, I'd assume she didn't imagine it was going to happen."

Polly herself presumably knows what she is normally allowed and not allowed? Polly herself, being a teenager, presumably knows what other teens are typically allowed and what they are not? Polly herself presumably knows if there is some kind of discrepancy here?

If my teens took advantage of my absence to do something they were not normally allowed, my wrath would come down on their heads, not on the head of some poor parent whom they had forgotten to inform what our family rules were.

If you have teens, it is part of the job to provide clear guidelines as to what they are allowed or not, to keep yourself informed as to what their peers are typically allowed (whether you are going to allow the same thing or not) and to make it absolutely clear to your teens that the responsibility for sticking to the guidelines or getting your permission to depart from them is theirs and nobody else's. If they didn't send that message to ask if they could be allowed something they weren't normally, then they were in trouble and nobody else.

Liiinoo · 27/10/2016 16:17

Pollys mum is a overprotective ninny. And I don't think you need to have checked, at 14 Polly is old enough to speak up if you suggest something her mum would disapprove of or consider unsafe. The poor girl must be mortified.

namechangedtoday15 · 27/10/2016 16:17

I think believing there are risks (which are different that 20 years ago) is not "fear-mongering".

Its all about perception of risk and how we parent - just because someone thinks there is more risk than another when you spend all day every day in the city centre that is being discussed doesn't mean they are restricting their child's freedom. They just manage it differently!! Seriously..

MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 16:21

Nah, it's definitely restricting freedom. And the thing is, it's all for the parent's benefit. They have peace of mind that their child is safe at home. But at what cost? Independence is slowly learned. You're not helping your 14 year old by keeping them in adult company at all times.

ObscureThing · 27/10/2016 16:21

Ok, what are these different risks than 20 years ago?

corythatwas · 27/10/2016 16:23

namedchange, the problem is that in a few years' time, regardless of your perception of risk, that teen is going to have to survive in the same environment as everybody else, and rely on her own instincts and her own risk assessment to keep safe. You can't go on managing your child's freedom for ever.

NKFell · 27/10/2016 16:23

I think if you trust someone enough to leave your daughter/son with them for a few days then you should trust them to make their own decisions regarding what they are allowed to do.

I don't think you did anything wrong OP.

BertrandRussell · 27/10/2016 16:26

"I think believing there are risks (which are different that 20 years ago) is not "fear-mongering".

What risks are different to 20 years ago?

Itmustbemyage · 27/10/2016 16:27

I don't live in Manchester but I live in another city in which a child was stabbed to death while in school.
Should all parents here stop their child going to school?

PollyPerky · 27/10/2016 16:28

If my teens took advantage of my absence to do something they were not normally allowed, my wrath would come down on their heads, not on the head of some poor parent whom they had forgotten to inform what our family rules were.

So does no one think that this girl was out of order? I do because at 14 yes she ought to know what she was allowed to do. I think she was playing a game and putting her host in a difficult situation. It could be she is allowed out with other 14 yr olds but not with a 12 yr old, whom she'd effectively be responsible for.

namechangedtoday15 · 27/10/2016 16:28

Absolutely Cory, but thats not the point. Polly's Mum may have a way in which she's building Polly up to that, and a time in mind when she thinks Polly will be able to manage that / deal with that etc etc.

The point (which has been lost a little bit) is that what is acceptable to one 14 year's old parent is not necessarily acceptable to another 14 year old's parent. We all raise our children in the way that we think is best.

For me, going into town unaccompanied at 14 (as I said above) is something outside the remit of a play date or whatever you want to call it when they're teenagers, so I would have checked with Polly's MUm - who thought her daughter would be at my house throughout - that it was OK.

MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 16:29

'How far from Manchester are you? If you're in Glasgow you might be a bit irresponsible...'

Poor old Glasgow. I see plenty of swishy haired teens on Buchanan St at the weekend. They don't seem to be in too much peril!

corythatwas · 27/10/2016 16:29

So Polly, if the girl was out of order, why blame the OP? Why couldn't the mother and the girl sort this out between them?

MitzyLeFrouf · 27/10/2016 16:30

namechange Polly was staying at the OP's house for a few days. It wasn't just an afternoon 'play date'. As a pp said 'I think if you trust someone enough to leave your daughter/son with them for a few days then you should trust them to make their own decisions regarding what they are allowed to do.'

Mynestisfullofempty · 27/10/2016 16:31

MitzyLeFrouf that comment was not a slur on Glasgow but about the distance between the two cities.