Am I really 'grossly irresponsible'?

[Saggingninja]

My 12 year old daughter's best friend - 'Polly' comes to stay for a few days over half-term. Polly is 14. On the first day, Polly says she would love to go into town (Manchester) with Katie. So I give them money, make sure their phones are charged and send them off.

Both girls are sitting in a cafe having hot chocolate. Polly texts her mum to say she's having fun. Three minutes later Polly's mother calls me. I am 'grossly irresponsible letting two young girls go into town and anything could happen.'

I pointed out that it's half-term, there are likely to be loads of parents and children around and both girls go to school by bus every day. But Polly's mother is convinced their are gangs of Mancunian paedophiles lurking everywhere, so I dash into town to rescue the girls from having a nice time.

I had very overprotective parents who convinced me there were 'bad people' everywhere and kept me in a bubble. I grew up anxious and timid and was determined that my own children would be more confident. And our sons are far more likely to be victims of criminal violence. Our girls are in far more (statistical) danger of being assaulted by someone they know well.

Perhaps I should have told Polly's mother before I let them go. But she (Polly) seemed so pleased and there were two of them. Was I wrong?

It sounds more like Polly's mum just has different - as opposed to incorrect - views from you on what's sensible and what's not.

I don't think you were grossly irresponsible. I'm sure your 12 year-old took good care if the 14 year-old, and helped her to cross the road when required, and demonstrated how to buy a drink in a shop.
Parental anxiety is not cured by restricting the activity of the child.

I do think assuming it was fine for a 14 year old to be out unaccompanied was not unreasonable. The only thing which occurs to me is to wonder whether, because your own daughter is two years younger, Polly's mum felt you were giving her responsibility for looking after your daughter, which she may have felt uncomfortable with. In the same way that I leave my 10 year old at home alone for brief periods but would feel uncomfortable leaving her to look after her younger siblings for the same period.

However with both girls being at secondary school and travelling alone I don't really see that it was irresponsible.

My dd friend isn't allowed into town on her own yet . I always check with her mum as her dad is very over protective ( imo) . I would never go against their wishes though as she is their child and I don't want to be responsible if anything went wrong . They are just 13 though .

Just seen that others upthread have raised the point about the older girl being responsible for the younger one. I suppose my point is not that she actually was or that either girl or OP saw it that way, but that Polly's mum may have seen it that way and that is why she overreacted. Did she know that OP's daughter regularly went into town unaccompanied? If not then perhaps this viewpoint is vaguely understandable (if possibly misguided).

It's an issue that tends to become more marked as kids get older. I let my 15 year old walkand wild camp along the West Highland Way with his friend - some of his friends' parents thought that was too much freedom for a 15 year old, others thought it was fine. Thing is, neither was right or wrong as such - but when you're assuming parental responsibility for another child I think it's best to assume the other parent is allows less freedom than you do until you know otherwise.

I think I would expect you to let me know as the other mother or for you to ask my DD to text me to ask if it was ok. My DD is 12, nearly 13 and has started going into town with friends. I drop her off and meet at a given place. It is a large town, not quite Manchester though.

She's happy for her daughter to stay at your house for a few days but not for her to go into town? I used to go into Manchester with my friends at that age all the time, you're not irresponsible she's an idiot!

She's happy for her daughter to stay at your house for a few days but not for her to go into town? I used to go into Manchester with my friends at that age all the time, you're not irresponsible she's an idiot!
That's hardly fair. Being at another child's family home with parents around is completely different to being in a huge city unaccompanied.

Manchester this afternoon.

You should of asked her mum first for sure x

I was babysitting other kids (6+7) when I was 12. Children are rarely abducted by strangers. They are mostly at risk from family and close friends - sadly. Lets not raise a generation of fearful girls. ps I went to school on the train when I was 11

I know I should have asked. And I have apologised to Polly's mother. Ultimately it wasn't my decision to make.

As one poster put though, I'm not sure how restricting a child's movements and not allowing them any freedom - is going to teach them how to cope in the world. I do know one woman who will not allow her 18 year old daughter to travel on the London Underground!

I think at 14 she has still got time to learn . It's a learning curve for all parents - we definitely don't always get it right (although not being allowed to travel on the underground at 18 is a bit much!)

As you said, you make decisions for your child, not other parent's children. Whether you agree or not is irrelevant.

Not allowed into Manc City Centre on one particular occasion does not equal not allowing them any freedom. It just might be at a later date than you'd consider, or on different terms. Not every parent thinks activities / lessons are appropriate at exactly the same stage as you do.

And I agree, she's 14 for goodness sake. She has plenty of time to learn how "to cope in the world"

I still don't undershot how you're supposed to know when to check with the other parent..Somebody said when you're not going to be directly supervising them- does that mean before they take the dog for a walk? If my do had a friend over should I ring his mum before I popped to the shops?

You were very generous to apologise. Whatever miscalculation you made in not discussing this trip with Polly's mother is dwarfed by her calling you grossly irresponsible.

YANBU and they are old enough to do this alone.

I don't know Manchester very well, but my limited experience was that it's quite an easy place to find your way around.

In any case, it sounds to me like you are doing a much better job of teaching your child independence than this other mother.