To think DH is just pissed off his cushy life is ending?

[yesterdaysunshine]

DH and I are both trained professionals (ooh!) and he is the significantly higher earner. Possibly because of this, he had a tendency to understate my contribution (financially) and so the usually unspoken rule was that because he contributed more financially I should contribute more domestically. In other words, even though we both worked full time, I made up the shortfall of my financial contribution through housework.

To be honest it was fine because we started off living in a small rented house then a larger "family" home but still very modern and easy to clean. Then had a baby and I went part time so fair enough, I did the lions share of the cleaning.

Then we moved to a larger and older building and I became a SAHM and then that really tilted the balance in his favour.

I hate being a SAHM. He thinks I have an easy life and I do insofar as 'easy' equates to 'full' but it's the having to ask for cash and justify spending (my Amazon basket is full of stuff I want and just can't buy) and filling the long afternoon hours and doing it all and then doing it all again tomorrow.

In all I haven't done a bad job. I used to think I did but having been away with two other families recently mine was by far the most organised (no judgement there by the way). The house is clean, warm and inviting, the sheets changed and washed and sprayed with some sweet smelling stuff weekly, the blinds are dusted. The food is cooked. The gardens are attractive and well maintained, the dog is walked and so on.

But I want to retrain. Entering my old career would be hard after a hiatus (is that the right word??) and I think I'd be good at the new one.

You would have thought I told DH I had racked up debt of 30 grand from the look on his face!

So AIBU to think he's just pissed off his easy life is ending?

OP, just to mention my DH retrained as a teacher when he was 40 and absolutely loves his job

Quandry, I have been reading this too. I've always prided myself on being a feminist, being independent etc, but when it comes to money, I realise I have never been equal to DH. Before we had DC, we worked together in a small business we set up. We did alright for a while, then I got pregnant, a good job opportunity came up for DH so we shelved our business, and his career steadily took off while I found work to fit around family life. I've been in a low paid, part time job (enjoyable, but not especially challenging) all that time, which was fine when DC were small and needing someone to go to school plays, nativity concerts, help with homework and so on, but now they are at college and university they no longer need me in that way.

Like you OP, I'm ready to take on something new, which would mean a drop in income for now, but could pay off in the long run. I'm too nervous to even broach the subject with DH. He gets anxious about financial insecurity and about big changes, and I know he'll react really badly. We have separate accounts (I've always been happy with this, and that has been part of my decision to maintain some independence) but recently I discovered he has a significant amount of money squirrelled away which he never told me about. Shit.

I think you are most definitely not BU. Thanks for posting, it's been an eye opener. it just goes to show the insidious way inequality can creep up in a marriage after DC.

Thank you for that post because I definitely don't feel DH is abusive or controlling. I think he has been in the past without meaning to be but I think we are both now more self-aware.

You sound unbelievably downtrodden and passive OP.

Get another card for the joint account. Just phone up and order one.

Reset the rules on housework and childcare now.

Get a job, any job, until your course starts. Don't expect your H to immediately change and better to expose any potential sabotage now than when your course starts.

It's not always about physical access to the account. I could spend every penny we have. I have legal access to all the accounts.

But there isn't spare money for me. We're always saving for medical bills and flights home. Training would be at least £7000 with only the possibility of a job after and then there's be childcare bills and a cleaner etc so we probably wouldn't actually be better off.

So DH has a nice life and I feel useless and bored and unfulfilled. Sorry, not trying to high jack OP you just seem to have struck a chord!

You absolutely must address this nonsense of only having one card on your joint account, OP.

One of the reasons that we have a joint account in the first place is in case anything happens to DH - I need to have access to the money. Same thing applies to you - what if he had some sort of accident where his wallet was lost? How would you get money out if you have no card? I don't know why you don't have one, and whether your husband has lied to you and said there's only one card available, but sort it out. As a joint holder of the account, you don't need his permission to do so, just go into the bank/building society and ASK for one!

You're not hijacking at all. I'm relieved I'm not alone (selfishly.)

Retraining will cost but I do feel it's just something I/ we will have to do.

I can't just take any job as childcare costs are so high.

But I will organise an additional card: thanks for that.

I think I've unintentionally misled.
No you didn't.
You do seem to be blaming yourself for all this though.

Let your H take responsibility for his chore shirking himself.

Let him take responsibility for thinking that you are better suited to housework than he is.

Let him OWN his opinion that he'd rather you didn't retrain and go back to work, as he thinks it doesn't matter how you feel about it,or what this would mean to you, what matter MOST is it would inconvenience him having to step up and be a proper partner/parent/adult.

OP do you really honestly think that your dp will actually take over half the hw when you start working again though? Because from everything you've said I can't see it happening! I can see you working full-time and doing 90% of housework tbh.

Probably but then if he doesn't step up that's the time to have a conversation about a cleaner.

Oh my, seriously he thought you should do more at home because you earnt less but you both worked full time 😳
And you thought that was ok?
I think you need to be having a long talk 🤔

Don't make that a very long conversation op! It needs to be accepted that either he helps, or a cleaner is needed. Just talk about it as a no-brainer - not as if you are asking him for a favour!

You need to be having a very serious conversation with your DH now Yodelling - don't put it off!

Really feel for you, though.

Earn less = do more domestically??
Actually WTF? Where do people get this from? Salaries are a lottery. If they bore any reflection to effort, risk and value the nurses would earn more than accountants etc.
It's totally illogical to argue this or more to the point for this thread, to accept someone spouting this crap...

if he hant given u a card for a joint account then hes being abusive-they used to issue them automatically dont know about now-but youre entitled to one

ive had one since the day we opened our joint account 17 years ago

and whose paying for this retraining him? with his past record i doubt that going to happen

Decide how you want things to work from now on and tell him. Don't ask or you're immediately giving him the chance to say no. Tell him, nicely of course, that you are really excited about retraining and how this will affect how you need to share the domestic chores. Also tell him that as time has gone on you are more and more aware of not having enough money and it's frustrating and it makes you feel like it's an unequal partnership which of course is not how it should be, so could you have either a free for all joint account or a deposit of XXXX a month covering not just the basics but enabling you to spend as freely as I presume he does. Assuming you are sensible with money here.

TBH, it's hard to tell whether your dh always thought you should do more at home because you earnt less than him and how much of that fallacious argument came from your own psychology and he accepted it because he realised he could get away with it. Bollocks to unspoken rules. You've done yourself down for years. And how you could possibly have managed to end up with a joint account but only one card you need to ask your dh for when you want to take money out of it, if he isn't financially extremely controlling, or you desperate to undermine yourself, I don't know! I would ignore his cat's bum disapproving face if I were you and do what you believe to be the right thing - see if he dares raise the previously unspoken!

Hmm. I'm a sahm and when ds was younger did most of the household stuff. But now he's 3 and for many reasons not going to pre school I have less time for chores.

He needs more now. He needs trips out to socialise and more one on one time.

So dh does more at home than he used to.

And doesn't mind because we're in it together.

We have a joint account. The money dh earns isn't seen as his. I work hard on the house and ds and so the money is OURS. We are a partnership. In my eyes that what's becoming a committed partner means.

He may not be thinking you retraining will upset his comfortable life he may be thinking 'silly yesterday thinking she will fit in retraining / a job and take care of the house, kids, dog etc ha she will be run raggedown the poor love'

Also if you need to pay to retrain and pay for child care to attend the course I do think it should be a joint decision, I started to retrain when my youngest started school as we didn't have the money prior to this for childcare.

Such a shame that this creeps up on so many women. Another one here who's been out of the workforce for a while post DC. I've just started retraining and it's tough, as DH has had very little idea of the wifework I've been doing in the background that facilitates our life together as a family. He's learning, but it annoys me so so much when eg the kids don't have the right things for school that day as he's taken them in and forgotten a library book or whatever (too little to remember themselves). There's a list on the wall as well! And then the cycle continues - the DC don't want daddy to take them to school and prefer me because I'm more organised. But how do things ever change if that's the case? And then all the time we have MIL dripping poison in DH's ear about all the stuff he does around the house and how I should be grateful he does the washing! (And even then, it's often wrong, ending up in me rewashing, or having to replace things.)

This might have already been said but I think there is a difference between having to 'ask' for money (which is controlling thing for your DH to do) and discussing purchases as a couple. I would be pissed off if my DH spent a load of money without discussing with me first, even if it is for something important, because it is OUR shared money and therefore we discuss how to spend it before we do so. That is not the same as saying we have to 'ask' each other for money. For example I might say 'I need to get some new shoes for work but they're £100, do you think that's too expensive?' and he might answer 'well no not really if they are good quality and you'll get a lot of wear out of them' or '£100 is quite a lot and we can't really afford that ATM, are there any cheaper options available?'. He would do the same if he was buying something, we would discuss it first before we spent any significant amount of money.

I know not everyone has time to do this in such detail but I think openness and honesty about finances are part of a healthy relationship and keeping each other up to date on finances such as 'By the way I'm going to be spending about £100 on kids' school uniforms this month' or 'I'm going to buy the xmas presents gradually this year, so I'll be spending about £50 each month on that'. That's not the same as asking for money. But I agree yes you should have your own bank card so you can make purchases yourself.

I can see how you can incrementally get into situations where you do all the housework OP. When i moved in with DH i was made redundant the week before. So it was natural i did all the housework as he worked FT. Then after 8 months (of which i had still financially contributed with my redundancy pay) the only job i could find was 3 days a week, so i still did everything, as i was still home more and there was only the 2 of us in a small flat/house. Then i found a FT job (which was in a call centre and much lower paid than my previous job and dh's, but it was a job nonetheless) and i said somethings about splitting chores. DH looked a bit and said 'but you still will be putting much less into the pot, so you should do it all to make up for that...' We had a big argument and it emerged he thought that the previous 18 months of me doing all the housework was not because i wasn't FT like him but was based on my financial contribution. I soon set him straight!

However, he told me he would never do any domestic work and that was that. It was up to me if i wanted to do it or not, he didn't care if we ate out every night and lived in mess etc, but he had always made a conscious decision he was never going to do it (or at least do the absolute bare minimum to function, which really was the BARE MINIMUM). He did say though he was happy for me to never work and to outsource as much as i thought necessary and i always had access to the joint account. So i accepted those terms.

I would definitely retrain if i were you OP and tell your DH the cost of outsourcing his share of the domestic stuff. It's up to him then if he wants to do it himself or pay someone. I'd tell him there are no other options (well apart from the LTB option of course).

Oh and you should definitely have your own bank card. Surely if you just call the bank and tell them you have lost yours/would like another they will post one out to you? I would do that and just inform DH breezily 'i now have a bank card of my own, so i won't have to keep asking you for money'. And carry on as normal.

Yeah if it's an account with both your names you can easily call and request a card. Same for online banking.