To think DH is just pissed off his cushy life is ending?

[yesterdaysunshine]

DH and I are both trained professionals (ooh!) and he is the significantly higher earner. Possibly because of this, he had a tendency to understate my contribution (financially) and so the usually unspoken rule was that because he contributed more financially I should contribute more domestically. In other words, even though we both worked full time, I made up the shortfall of my financial contribution through housework.

To be honest it was fine because we started off living in a small rented house then a larger "family" home but still very modern and easy to clean. Then had a baby and I went part time so fair enough, I did the lions share of the cleaning.

Then we moved to a larger and older building and I became a SAHM and then that really tilted the balance in his favour.

I hate being a SAHM. He thinks I have an easy life and I do insofar as 'easy' equates to 'full' but it's the having to ask for cash and justify spending (my Amazon basket is full of stuff I want and just can't buy) and filling the long afternoon hours and doing it all and then doing it all again tomorrow.

In all I haven't done a bad job. I used to think I did but having been away with two other families recently mine was by far the most organised (no judgement there by the way). The house is clean, warm and inviting, the sheets changed and washed and sprayed with some sweet smelling stuff weekly, the blinds are dusted. The food is cooked. The gardens are attractive and well maintained, the dog is walked and so on.

But I want to retrain. Entering my old career would be hard after a hiatus (is that the right word??) and I think I'd be good at the new one.

You would have thought I told DH I had racked up debt of 30 grand from the look on his face!

So AIBU to think he's just pissed off his easy life is ending?

This situation may have just "crept up on you" but for goodness sake, any man who thinks its acceptable to make his wife do more chores because she earns less, is a complete cunt IMO.

Get out and retrain because you dont want to be in the control of his man.

I've never earned as much as DH, he earns way more than me but we've shared finances from day one. I've never had to ask him for a penny in 28 years and I woudnt be with a man who expected it.

I think I've unintentionally misled.

When we were both working, it was full time for us both but somehow it ended up I did pretty much all the domestic stuff. He didn't insist or demand but over time it did become the norm. This was my fault: I should have been more like 'DH, I am constantly clearing up and I work full time too and don't think it's fair.'

Then I went part time so housework was even more my remit.

Then a SAHM so even more.

It's totally different if one person is at home
I was talking about if both partners work full time

Sorry I too can not see passed having to ask your DH for cash. The fact that he holds the purse strings and you have to ask for your money is insulting, like your being treated like a child asking for pocket money. That isn't a partnership at all

Running busy modern lives requires a certain amount of work. Some of that work is salaried at differential levels, some of it isn't. However, the salaried work absolutely relies on a lot of the unsalaried labour in terms of childcare and domestic work. The two are not separate: rather the work of domestic and social reproduction is a hidden (because non-monetized) cost of waged labour. The person who irons a shirt in non-work time at home so that a company representative looks the part at the meeting is contributing in a very distinct way to the ability of that representative to earn money.

Dividing things along the lines of salary only completely ignores this contribution. I think your announcement has probably made it very clear to your DH to what extent your drudgery contributes to his salary. I suggest you announce, with immediate effect, a far more equal distribution of your household income! You should not be having to ask him for money.

Read Wifework then get him to read it.

I do think having to ask for money, however it comes about, is humiliating though. If you are both working towards the same goals -in whatever capacity - there shouldn't be one person acting as "financial gatekeeper" imho (unless one partner is wildly irresponsible, has a gambling or spending addiction or is mentally incapacitated in some way). That is treating the other partner like a child, it's an inequality of power.

However, if I may scallops, I do think there are certain situations where the "it's all just happened" point can be a bit more nuanced (don't know obviously if this applies to op or not) but I found myself dependant on dh as an expat and resented it, as it had never been a specific decision on my part. I thought we would be moving abroad for five yrs and it turns out that we are here for life. I've largely come to terms with that and things are working out ok after lots of struggles, but when I was going through a v resentful stage, my v supportive dh reasonably pointed out that he hadn't known how things were going to pan out either, and that for various complex reasons (involving family dependants) he had to go for the highest earning option and he would have dearly liked more choice in the matter too. So situations like these are not always straightforward. Also, looking back, I think I could have taken more responsibility myself in various small ways in the "it all just happened" equation.

As for the "if they were living on their own" argument, surely the point is exactly that, that it needs time or resources, a cleaner or the dh, putting in the work. Therefore the dh should not resent paying proportionally for a cleaner or childcare when the op retrains\rtns to work.

Making your partner ask for cash to buy the food is not OK.
Acting hurt because your parnter wants to return to work, when you dont value the contruibutioon they make at home, thats not ok. Its a dick move. It really is.

OP, go back to work and split the cost of a cleaner. Then maybe you'll earn some respect.

A) You hate being a SAHM.
Do you hate it because you hate it, or because you would prefer to be earning a salary, be less dependent and feel like you have a voice domestically?
Let's say that you could walk into your old job at the same salary. Would you jump at that, get a cleaner, a dog walker, a gardener, a nanny/au pair etc and go for it? or would you think, bollocks but I still want to see my kids 24x7 when they are not in school.??
If the answer is that you would escape being a SAHM at all costs, then go and sort yourself out with retraining/a job etc. Don't apologise for your decision to go back to work. You didn't sign a fixed term contract for life !!

If the answer is, "god I am just fed up doing the same shit day in, day out. I am totally unappreciated and while I can buy groceries and the odd naice top from Joules, I get a raised eyebrow/death stare should a cheeky handbag arrive in the post and I am just fucked off with it all"

That's quite a different conversation about recognition, your marriage and your self esteem.

Having to ask for money all the time is not right. Does he trust you or doesn't he? Are you no good at financial management?! I would be deeply offended if my dh expected me to ask whether buying things I wanted from Amazon was OK or not... It's our money, I trust dh not to waste it, he trusts me not to waste it, and we both keep an eye on our finances, so we know what we can afford. The vast majority of the money in any event is spent on family things, not his and hers. Anything unusual and/or expensive we would talk about together for budgeting purposes, not vetoing purposes.

V interesting post *treadsoftly"

On a separate point, I don't think you should have to earn a cash wage to earn respect.

This was my fault: I should have been more like 'DH, I am constantly clearing up and I work full time too and don't think it's fair.

Yes, that would definitely transformed him into a willing and helpful partner instead of the selfish, lazy git he is.

OP he is overprivileged and selfish.
Changing this won't be a walk in the park. But to have any sort of life you need to start the journey. Be prepared for passive aggressive criticisms/ martyred looks/ stroppy tantrums. But in the end you would all be happier, him included. Better an involved interested DF than a lazy entitled one.

I'm sorry you're so fed up and have found yourself in this position. It sounds really hard.

For me, there are two points to this. First of all, it's not at all unreasonable that the SAHP does more domestically, as much as it's possible with a screaming/ill/awkward baby/toddler. I work PT, DH works FT, and DH and I work on the equal leisure principle - so on the days the kids have really behaved and I've got loads done, there may be little for him to do when he gets home. But if I've had a nightmare day and the place is pit then he'll muck in when he gets home until we've got everything sorted together.

However, it's the fact that you both seem to have the attitude that financial contribution is of higher value than domestic contribution that bothers me - it's extremely unfair to the SAHP and devalues what they do. It's not the 1950s any more.

FWIW, we only have family money and equal access to it - at times over recent years, DH has earned up to 30x more than me but it wouldn't occur to us that our contributions weren't of equal value in terms of our overall lives, or that I should have less leisure time than him to 'make up' for it.

In your position I'd be incredibly upset that DH wasn't supporting my wish to retrain/go back to work. That's a very worrying attitude. Why would he prioritise his own lifestyle over your happiness?

I've earned a far lot less than dh for several years now. We both work full time but dh does longer hours and has far less holidays than me due to our work places.

As I'm in the house more I do more if the day to day housework however dh pitches in and does other stuff. For example he does all the ironing and always cleans up after a meal, whereas I almost always cook the meal.

However despite the huge difference in our salaries it is all family money, and all joint accounts. I've never had to ask for money or justify my spending. Whenever either of us are thinking of a big purchase we discuss it, as I feel that's pretty normal. But no one vetos due to how much each person earns.

We are a family and our income is joint for our family.

I think - and it sounds boastful - I want to retrain as I really and genuinely believe I would be very good at what I want to retrain in.

I've got a bit of confidence lately :)

My advice would be not to hark at the past too much, you are where you are and are clearly not happy with it.

Tell (not ask) your DH what you plan is then get on with it. If you feel like this now, just imagine how you will feel by the time your DC are teenagers and you are left 'cleaning the fort'.

It will shift the balance of your relationship - but it sounds like you need it to shift to be happy.

OP when you retrain will you be attending college/uni? if so, will your dH have a problem with you a) being out of the house and b) spending much of your time studying? Will he step up and help or let you shoulder the burden?
I also have concerns regarding your financial situation. I agree it is normal to discuss big purchases, but having to justify your spending is wrong. I assume that you are capable of looking at your bank balance and working out whether you can afford to spend X amount on bits and bobs...you shouldn't have to gain his permission to buy a bit of make up or a new chocolate teapot...

Who's going to pay for the childcare and cleaner and dog walker when you're doing your new career? You need to get this all sorted now or you're going to end up like galaxy - having to give up your career because you are still having to do all the grunt work.

Sorry galaxy - I think your story is very sad

I've been a SAHM for years and I don't think I've ever asked DH for money. I have full access to it all.

And if you want to retrain, you don't need his permission either. It would be nice if you had his support though.

Sorry, I can't get past him thinking you should do more domestically because you earned less, despite working full time!

My ExH was just like this! He was ft but I was pt with overtime and often working more hours than him. He was doing desk work, I was on my feet. But because he was the breadwinner and I was the 'housewife' (!!) everything to do with the kids or home was my responsibility. There's more than one reason why he's my ex..

When did all this "his 'n' hers" attitude to money start?

You are married. Any money that is earned is for both of you! You shouldn't have to "ask"!
At various times in our marriage either I or DH have been the main wage earner, or stay-at-home.(We've always been fairly low income). Our account is joint. We spend as necessary. Big or expensive items are mutually agreed upon first. Domestic chores...I guess I do most shopping and cooking and washing, but DH is a better cleaner and DIYer and Gardener. I am the only household driver, and the main childcarer, (though DH did that too -they are all more or less grown up now).
The only time money belongs to either of us is when it has been received as a Christmas or birthday present.

If the OP doesn't have her husband's support, it would be very easy for him to sabotage her plans :(

I'm clearly missing something.
the look on his face
that's it, that's all that says he won't like it. You need to have a proper conversation about it, and everything else.
If you have new found confidence - use it to have a proper conversation.
Its actually irrelevant whether you would be good at this new career, the only relevant thing would be - could you get a job doing it.
You need to talk to him about what you both want/need.

i think i understand where you're coming from OP

when Dh and i both worked we both pitched in on a sunday afternoon and tidied, hoovered, did bedding etc. and that was all that was needed, we were out the house 6am - 6pm 5days a week, and picked up after ourselves in between.

when i went on maternity i started doing it in the week so we could make the most of our weekend together. once the baby came the housework took a massive step up who knew they'd make so much mess! and i started hoovering daily etc. my Dh job got more intense and when i decided not to return to work i saw keeping the house nice as my contribution. the money has always been our money but we both always ask before a purchase over about £50 to ensure that we aren't due a holiday payment or something. it's frustrating when you are used to being completely financially independent, but not the crazy control people are making out. it's more about cooperation to ensure the money covers what it should, before you buy what you want.
we are now in a place where i do all the housework and childcare, and he works long hours bringing in good money to support us. at the moment it works for us.
however i am retraining (thru distance learning and volunteering) for a different job when ds2 starts school and i have been clear that i will not be doing it all at that time. the housework and management of the home will need to be redistributed more evenly. Dh would rather i didn't go back to work than he had to do housework! he just hates it and would be happy to live in a much messier environment than i would. he will, but there will be a lot of huffing, puffing and sighing when his easy life comes to an end!
i tell him regularly that he doesn't know how lucky he is, i know a fair few sahp who expect the working parent to come home and cook and clean etc. he knows he has it easy. i still think it'll be a shock for him tho!