To think DH is just pissed off his cushy life is ending?

[yesterdaysunshine]

DH and I are both trained professionals (ooh!) and he is the significantly higher earner. Possibly because of this, he had a tendency to understate my contribution (financially) and so the usually unspoken rule was that because he contributed more financially I should contribute more domestically. In other words, even though we both worked full time, I made up the shortfall of my financial contribution through housework.

To be honest it was fine because we started off living in a small rented house then a larger "family" home but still very modern and easy to clean. Then had a baby and I went part time so fair enough, I did the lions share of the cleaning.

Then we moved to a larger and older building and I became a SAHM and then that really tilted the balance in his favour.

I hate being a SAHM. He thinks I have an easy life and I do insofar as 'easy' equates to 'full' but it's the having to ask for cash and justify spending (my Amazon basket is full of stuff I want and just can't buy) and filling the long afternoon hours and doing it all and then doing it all again tomorrow.

In all I haven't done a bad job. I used to think I did but having been away with two other families recently mine was by far the most organised (no judgement there by the way). The house is clean, warm and inviting, the sheets changed and washed and sprayed with some sweet smelling stuff weekly, the blinds are dusted. The food is cooked. The gardens are attractive and well maintained, the dog is walked and so on.

But I want to retrain. Entering my old career would be hard after a hiatus (is that the right word??) and I think I'd be good at the new one.

You would have thought I told DH I had racked up debt of 30 grand from the look on his face!

So AIBU to think he's just pissed off his easy life is ending?

I feel a bit that some of this is ringing true for me too. You never plan to end up being the domestic slave, but after reducing hours for childcare or part time work it just seems to have happened in my case.

I've been trying to get back into freelancing after a hiatus due to caring for an ill parent. The problem is that I will have to invest a lot of (unpaid) time to build a network of clients again. DH's attitude seems to be 'well you're not contributing anything ££ yet, so can still do all the housework'
But it's a Catch 22, because if I don't invest time now, I will NEVER get back out there as a freelancer/ consultant.
I did go back to work (on an external contact) briefly after my Mum died - for 4 days a week - but it just about killed me, because I was spending all my day off and weekends catching up with the household chores.
I accept that I was a fool to do this, but it's only when you read threads like this that you can see more objectively how unequal situations are.

The advice I'd like is about how to challenge and change things which have just 'fallen' into a pattern over many years - with teenage children, as well as partners. I have two older teenage sons as well as DH and every time I find myself emptying the dishwasher/ doing laundry/changing beds I think 'WHY am I doing this?'
If I don't do it, it doesn't happen. Or they'll say 'I'll do it if you remind me' (but then that's deflected back as MY responsibility isn't it?)

Has anybody ever had a massive family conference and said 'This HAS to change' and made it work? How?

To go back to galaxys post: what would happen to you galaxy if your marriage broke up or your DH developed health issues? (Sorry - but these things do happen! )

You would find yourself with no job and limited opportunities to earn, as you didn't complete your training (apologies if you have lots of other qualifications that you haven't mentioned ). Do you not see that this is a dangerous place to be?

Op - do not let yourself drift into a similar situation.

You should definitely retrain OP, life is too short to be unhappy with your situation. He sounds a bit controlling to be honest. It is not normal to have to ask for money, it makes the balance so unequal in the relationship. Your contribution is hugely valuable and there should be full access to the family pot.

I do agree though as the SAHM that I do the majority of the housework.

A friend who has been a SAHM and whose littlest just started school confided in me the other day that her husband doesn't want her to go back to work as then he will have to help out more.

Another friend has her dh constantly belittling her earnings though she does all the childcare/school runs etc and has to work around spending as little as poss on nursery.

Flabbergasting what some men think is ok.

He is being a twat. Tell him to man up and get on with YOUR life. Being his wife and your children mother does not define you.

Coming at this from a different direction. When you say

The house is clean, warm and inviting, the sheets changed and washed and sprayed with some sweet smelling stuff weekly, the blinds are dusted. The food is cooked. The gardens are attractive and well maintained, the dog is walked and so on

And compare how well you are doing when you compare yourself to the other families. I think this is the problem. You are doing too much.

If you were a SAHM and your house was a mess the garden was overgrown etc I think your dh would be begging you to return to work so you both could afford a cleaner and a gardener. Do you think deep down the other mothers don't organise themselves because it would give their dps ideas and make it more difficult for when they too decide to go to work.

I do know one woman who ran her house like yourself. Everything done for when her dh returned home from work who had to show how the housework would be done and how dinner would be cooked and on the table by 7pm and how his life would not change.

Sorry posted too soon

Before she was allowed to get a job

I don't think we'd need a cleaner or dog walker.

It's a joint account but there's only one card and so getting cash out is a pain.

My God, I couldn't live like that, having to ask DH for money.

Since emigrating, I have been a SAHM, as DH took me away from my self-employed careers in the UK (both client-based) and it was part of our "deal", if you like.

I do more of the domestic stuff, in that I do all the laundry and most of the housework, but DH does alternate cooking and washing up duties, takes care of the garden, puts the bin out etc.

I have a credit card that I use as and when needed (most days), plus I have a savings account that is in my name only and DH puts money into every month. This is "my money" - but what it actually is, is money I can spend on whatever I like without him even knowing, not that he'd stop me. I mostly use it to buy him presents, and some stuff for the children.

DH pays the credit card bill every month without comment, query or complaint. We do have a joint account as well, and I have full access to it, but if I need cash out, I take it from my own account, not that one. Bills etc. I pay from the joint account. The credit card gets paid out of the joint account.

We discuss large purchases, but I could not live with being so dependent on my DH's say so for day-to-day purchases, that would be so demeaning for me.

When DS2 starts school, I will go back to some form of employment - will probably try to re-start my self-employment business here. Just need to build up the client base, which takes time.

Xpost - if it's a joint account, then get another card. There's no reason why you shouldn't have your own, DH and I both have our own cards for our joint account (both in the UK and in Australia).

I thought all joint account holders had a card each, don't they?

Op - have a read of a very pertinent post in aibu atm. Can't link currently but it's written by a very intelligent/eloquent 47 yr old who is suffering from empty nest syndrome - words like panic and despondency are in the title - she is a few yrs down the line from you and is finding it hard to find a job. You are doing a good thing op!

Why is there only one card, op??
That is definitely not usual.

Yep, there should be two cards. Get another one.

I fear that when you start training his attitude is going to be "I was perfectly prepared to support you to stay at home, this is your choice, therefore it's up to you to make sure that nothing changes for the rest of the family." You need to make it clear that that is not an option, and that if he sabotages this you will still no longer be doing all the housework and child care you are doing now because, basically, it's time he stepped up and freed you to develop your career.

I've got myself in exactly the same situation. Except I've changed countries so I have to retrain.

I don't know what the answer is. Technically I have access to all our money but it's not ok if I spend any of it on me including on training so my qualification is valid in this country.

DH is v happy to have his job, his hobbies and his house and kids looked after. This is not what I signed up to 10 years ago when we were both climbing the career ladder and I probably should have been the higher earner.

I have every sympathy. People will tell you it's not normal to wind up in this position. I'm telling you that you aren't the only one.

I can't imagine having to request money every time I wanted to buy/do anything, like a child looking for pocket money to go to the pictures, I buy what I want when I want.

Grim.

Agree happy camel there are lots of spouses in expat communities going through the same thing, it's v tough, especially when the other spouse is travelling constantly.

You need to have two cards for your joint account. DH and I have had a few different joint accounts over the years but we have always had a card each.
So I've always been able to buy what I've needed. I have never had to ask DH for money or if I could buy something for me or the children when they were small (they've grown up now).
We do discuss big purchases and we discussed school trips when the children were at school /college.

We have a joint account. No asking needed! Unless it's something expensive and is luxury rather than necessity.

There definitely should be two cards for a joint account being that it's joint between two people. Dh and I rarely shop together, it'd be pointless otherwise.

I've.just nipped over the the AIBU despondent & panicked thread and it is sobering reading. OP it is worth reading to retain your resolve against any resistance from your OP. You are doing what is best for you and your long term self esteem and self worth, I think you would regret not retraining so you will have to dig in and make sure DH pulls his weight.

He has been on easy street for a long time, so it is bound to be a shock to him. But if he loves you, he should want what is best for you - and making sure his sheets smell nice is not enough satisfaction for any woman for a lifetime.

Another one puzzled why there is only one card for the joint account. We automatically got sent a card and cheque book each for the joint account.

it's normal to end up in this situation, yes.

it's not normal for a dh to do nothing at home, to have to ask for money etc..

my dh does plenty in the house, i do more, but i have more time to do so.

Financially we have one joint account. i buy what i like. obviously i am not reckless but i know when we have money to spend and when we need to rein it in. that is normal imo.

I'd rather not say what I want to retrain as if you don't mind as it'll probably elicit lots of posts about what a dreadful job it is!