To think DH is just pissed off his cushy life is ending?

[yesterdaysunshine]

DH and I are both trained professionals (ooh!) and he is the significantly higher earner. Possibly because of this, he had a tendency to understate my contribution (financially) and so the usually unspoken rule was that because he contributed more financially I should contribute more domestically. In other words, even though we both worked full time, I made up the shortfall of my financial contribution through housework.

To be honest it was fine because we started off living in a small rented house then a larger "family" home but still very modern and easy to clean. Then had a baby and I went part time so fair enough, I did the lions share of the cleaning.

Then we moved to a larger and older building and I became a SAHM and then that really tilted the balance in his favour.

I hate being a SAHM. He thinks I have an easy life and I do insofar as 'easy' equates to 'full' but it's the having to ask for cash and justify spending (my Amazon basket is full of stuff I want and just can't buy) and filling the long afternoon hours and doing it all and then doing it all again tomorrow.

In all I haven't done a bad job. I used to think I did but having been away with two other families recently mine was by far the most organised (no judgement there by the way). The house is clean, warm and inviting, the sheets changed and washed and sprayed with some sweet smelling stuff weekly, the blinds are dusted. The food is cooked. The gardens are attractive and well maintained, the dog is walked and so on.

But I want to retrain. Entering my old career would be hard after a hiatus (is that the right word??) and I think I'd be good at the new one.

You would have thought I told DH I had racked up debt of 30 grand from the look on his face!

So AIBU to think he's just pissed off his easy life is ending?

Please. Retrain. Ignore his grumpy face and just do it.

FWIW, I've just become a SAHM and we have a cleaner. I do the majority of the keeping the house running stuff (laundry, cooking, tidying, bills and household admin) but I don't clean. I'm at home to look after our DC not to provide a maid service.

Our finances are sorted so that we have individual 'spend' accounts which an equal amount is transferred into at the beginning of each month. This means that we both have fritter money which we don't have to justify to each other - and can be spent on Amazon baskets/coffee while out, etc. Is it perhaps worth suggesting something similar to your DH? Have you ever sat down and properly talked about finances, or did you just drift into this position?

I'm hopefully going back to work soon after being a sahm. Yes, it's going to be a massive culture shock to dh, domestically speaking; yes, I anticipate a few "bumps in the road", but he's basically a good guy, so I'm not worried about it . we'll other adjust to our new roles and responsibilities.

Financially, he wanted me to have dignity and not dole out money to me. All money goes into one pot, all expenses one out, what's left is divided by 2. That money is our own and cannot be questioned; spend it on beer or amazon, when it's gone it's gone. I truly couldn't think of a fairer system.

We might be doing your dh an injustice with your retraining. I've tried two professional careers and been to a million universities; if I said I wanted to retrain again, dh may very well be a bit wtf, so it's hard to know!

I think you've got some difficult conversations ahead of you. We found the money conversations hard. Good luck.

I am a SAHP and earn no money.

I look after our toddler and DH works full time to support us all.

I ask for nothing. All of his wage goes into our joint account where bills are paid from, and money for food shopping, petrol, treats etc is.

We have a mutual understanding that neither of us would make a huge or expensive purchase without speaking to one another. But if I fancy a bit of makeup or see something pretty for the house or want my nails doing, I just go ahead and do it providing it's affordable at that time.

Being put in a position where you always have to ask for money from your husband is 100% not normal.

I would like to add, i do 100% of the housework/cleaning. It's perfectly manageable with a toddler. When I do go back to work it will go back to 50/50 as when I was also working full time. I earned half of what my DH did.

We still split housework 50/50.

Asking for money might not necessarily be as bad as some of you are imagining.
I technically 'ask' dh, our conversation goes like this
Me - 'Dh, can I have your bank card to pay off my credit card?'
Dh - 'yes.'
I don't feel abused by this, in fact it's my preference rather than a joint account.

Op, to your other points, you doing more hw when you worked the same hours was bonkers, you doing the hw now when you're home all day is reasonable.

I don't agree with the 'but what would they do if they were single' argument. If dh was single he would employ a cleaner, use a launderette, and eat out or get a take away all the time.

What thinks he will step up and actually do housework.

I bet he suggests a cleaner.

He never did pre-children so why would he now.

He does sound like a Jerk. But why if you are both trained professionals, did you give up work and become a sahm, surely on your salaries you could have afforded childcare. I've never understood sacrificing a professional career to child mind. Not judging your decision by the way, just can't understand it. Most couples decide this because of their salary just wouldn't cover the childcare costs. You've moved to a bigger property on the strength of his salary, I presume you can afford a housekeeper.

sorry you are married to a sexist exploitative jerk OP.

Yeah I bet he doesn't want his cushy ride to end.

Since we first lived together my partner and I have always had a joint bank account. Having to ask for money is not right in this day and age. I'd like to hear your husband's reasoning for keeping control of the money. Saying that it is not too late to sort it out. Just because you arranged things a certain way when you were young does not mean you cannot change it. Though I would counsel against stroppiness. It is not half as effective as women think and I find usually men just withdraw into a self justified martyrdom. Better to just discuss it openly. He hasn't really got a leg to stand on. Either in his control of the finances or your desire to change careers.

I just said I would expect the SAH parent to do the majority of the domestic chores. Yes, but you were doing the majority of chores when you were working full time. When did/does your working day start and finish?

It's trust isn't it? Purplefizz has an equal relationship where they each trust each other not to splash out on whims and fancies unkess there's enough to cover it, and that large purchases are mutually agreed. No one needs to ask for money, it's there to be used when needed or wanted.

OTOH, there are relationships where the power is not in balance. Where one takes control of the money and pretends they don't trust the other to spend wisely or sensibly. Sometimes this is down to trust, and sometimes it's power.

You need to find out which it is. If you're lucky, he won't realise until you spell it out to him, that this is how he is behaving, and once he realises he'll stop.

He's not a horrible, awful person but it's all just happened. No it didn't all just happen and he isn't very nice. He believes that as the major breadwinner he gets of household duties (and probably childcare - you haven't mentioned how much parenting he does) when he's not at work out of the house. He has orchestrated it this way. Deliberately. As a conscious decision on his part to make sure this partnership is never equal but always on his terms.

But as I said you are so far from accepting what he is that I suspect we are wasting our breath.

If you want to retrain you go for it and the best of luck to you.

I hated being a stay at home Mum too so when all of mine were 12 weeks old I put them in nursery and I went back to work full time. It's the best thing i ever done.

Me and dh both work full time but we also manage to keep our house clean/cook meals for DC etc as we work as a team. When you are back in work OP its important you and your DH are on the same page with regards to being a team.

I don't think asking for money is a red flag always it's depends for example If you ask for money for children's shoes and he hands it over no problem that IMO is ok but if you have to plead for the money/ explain in great detail what you want to for and really beg for it then it's not ok.
Me and dh don't ask each other for money as both wages go in to joint accounts and we spend what we like but if we are spending over £300 we do have a discussion just to let the other know

OP it's about proportionality, which is the element that you seem to be missing. So if you are a family unit and one of you earns more than the other, then they should pay a higher proportion of the bills. E.g. Why should 90% of your salary be taken up with household expenses, if only 40% of the other's salary is impacted? Some people will always earn more because their career path will have better financial reward. But there are important jobs that are less well paid - it doesn't mean that those workers should be viewed as 'less' just because their wage is lower.

Likewise with household responsibilities. It's about having equal time off. So if as a SAHM you have time free during the day to do your own thing because the kids are at school, then he needs an equal opportunity to have time to himself when he's not working. However he also needs to be aware that being a SAHP is not the same as being employed - at the end of the day you don't get to clock off from parenting and go home, do you? It's why it's also important that he takes a proportional share of those responsibilities - and that includes things like helping round the house.

The money element is interesting. There are different approaches - some people favour separate accounts and one shared one for bills, which are paid proportionately. Others have a joint account and one pot. The key thing is that this isn't HIS money - it's FAMILY money. The division of labour is that he is working outside of the home, and to facilitate that you are SAH to provide the childcare which allows him to work without interruption. I cannot imagine having to ask for money to be able to afford even a newspaper; how demeaning and child-like.

TBH your relationship sounds very unbalanced and patriarchal. Fine if you like it that way and it's what works for you - but it doesn't sound as if you are happy. Have a careful think about your role and how you present yourself and your contribution to your H, because it sounds like he views you like a domestic worker rather than his wife.

y'see this is where I differ from most of MN, but for a reason.

DH is a SAHD mainly by choice but also because I am by 10 times the higher earner and also he is having cancer treatment which puts him in hospital once every three weeks for a day. Hard to find a job to accommodate that and 2 under 4 really.

Anyway. everything is in my name. Bills, house, TV, amazon, weekly shopping, clothes buying for DSs, nursery fees. I pay it all out of my account and transfer him cash on a weekly basis for other stuff/going out. He has access to the amazon account and buys whatever he wants/needs. I give him extra cash if I think he needs it (nights out/etc). He never asks.

Mainly this started because when we were moving into our home we didn't really know what was happening with DH diagnosis (prognosis was v poor), and we didn't want difficult legal issues with stuff. I have asked him several times if he wants to have a joint account and he said he doesn't care. Works for us.

BTW when DH and I first lived together and then got married, he outearned me by double my wage. However he was working stupid hours every week whereas I only did a standard 35 hours. So I did all the household stuff. When he retrained (thank God) and started working more sensible hours, we had a discussion about who would do what, and split the household stuff down the middle in terms of time spent. At that point I was out-earning him and still do today.

At no point have either of us ever expected the other lower paid party to pick up the household slack, simply because of the pay gap. It has always been about time available. We have also always had a joint account since we were married - both salaries go in there and all bills come out of there, including any discretionary spending. We have a similar attitude to money and if there was a 'big' purchase (more than a few £100), we discuss it first. Otherwise if I want something, then I get my debit card out and buy it - as he does.

OP I see where you are coming from and agree with you, I've taken on various pt jobs as the DC reached school age, and dh definitely misses having a full-time housekeeper. His face on the odd evenings I work (only 1 or 2 a month) is a picture of grumpiness. He's also bitched about the reduced level of cleaning, that was a very short argument!
Many couples don't have joint accounts, we never have (my choice) so I had to occasionally ask for a top-up, which I hated doing too All the household bills go through my account so he transfers a standard amount every month anyway.
Just do what you need to, he'll have to get over it. Being grumpy at the change in circs is hardly ltb material.

I am on maternity leave at the moment and me and dh have so far done the same amount of household stuff that we each would of done prior to the baby arriving. DH is quite happy to come home and bath baby and cook and I will do some cleaning for example.

If you don't like being a SAHM you don't have to be one. Have you thought about taking a part time job now? Or even a full time job? If you could afford nursery this might be good for you to get back out there. If you are a trained professional could you not go back to what you use to do? If you've decide re training is the way you want to get then good luck to you.

I don't think it's awful to ask for money but it really depends on how you have to ask. Does he give you the money without making a fuss? As that's fair enough but if he makes you feel bad for asking or really begrudgingly hands it over it's a problem.
I've never had to ask DH for money as it's always been shared accounts for us, and I'm getting a very good maternity pay from work at the moment. We do however mention/have a chat about money over £400 that we spend

Both are jobs though, working in a "work environment" or working at home, I'm a SAHM and give myself work hours, I don't lift a finger after 5:30 unless it's to dish up dinner and leave the clear up till the next day. I don't get "paid" to do this but I'd rather do chores than sit on my backside in a messy house, some days I do zilch or go to my mums for a couple of days there's no set rule. OP your dh does sound financially abusive though.

How much housework/childcare does he do at the weekends? Or does he need that time to relax because he works so hard during the week?

Normal:
You: I'm buying X z y and thinking about getting abc too.
Him: sounds like I need to put more money in the joint account this month. Will xxx cover it, you think?

Not normal:

You: can I get some cash to buy xyz?
Him: sigh, how much do you need then?

Both could be described as "asking" for cash but one comes across as informing your partner about a financial transaction and the other is asking your parent for spending money.

This is so sad.

DP and I have had a joint account ever since we got engaged and during our marriage I have been working full-time, part-time and a SAHP. This has made no difference at all to our finances. We've been together over 40 years now.....

I also can't get past the idea that although you both worked full time before you had to do more at home because you earned less. I think you set up an unhealthy dynamic there from the start.
My dp earns twice what I do although we probably work a similar amount of hours. We just divide the jobs between us and earnings have never come into it. I just find that bizarre.
When either partner stays at home they should have full access to family money. Obviously big purchases should be discussed etc
OP get back to work/retrain and sort out a fair split of chores this time

I don't get the deal about doing equal housework etc - my DH runs his own business, and works long hard hours over 6 days a week, I'm the one at home and would never in a million years dream of asking him to get home and start doing the housework. I get to do whatever I want while he's out working his backside off, and although I have days when I want to do something more, the reality of working part time and still trying to stay on top of the house/childcare etc was very very hard. I wanted to train as a nurse so took a part time job in a nursing home to get the relevant experience for the course and as DH is often miles away, if there was an emergency or childcare issue, it was always me that had to deal with it and in the end I realised that a 3 year degree course on top of placements, kids, dog, and house was just going to send me round the bend and I withdrew. However, DH and I agreed to a monthly allowance for me out of the family funds (I'm literally appalling with money so he controls the finances with just cause) and I have money for coffees, books, clothes etc without constantly having to ask. I'm really lucky that he works darned hard to look after us all, and cooking his tea and washing his clothes seems a very little thing to do in return. But that's because I'm happy with it, if you aren't OP then something does need to change.

Galaxy - that's proportional, which is what the OP is missing. If your H is working very long hours, then it's fair that you pick up the household stuff if you have time in your day to do so. What would be unfair is if you were also working very long hours but your H expected you to do the majority of the domestic stuff just because you earned less.

Likewise, your money arrangement sounds fair. You're both happy with it and you have an amount transferred to you rather than having to ask for every single purchase you want to make, with you feeling comfortable about the control because you aren't great with finances. The OP doesn't have that - she has to go to her H and ask for every single penny she wants to spend, and there is nothing to suggest she's not capable of budgeting and controlling money herself.