To think DH is just pissed off his cushy life is ending?

[yesterdaysunshine]

DH and I are both trained professionals (ooh!) and he is the significantly higher earner. Possibly because of this, he had a tendency to understate my contribution (financially) and so the usually unspoken rule was that because he contributed more financially I should contribute more domestically. In other words, even though we both worked full time, I made up the shortfall of my financial contribution through housework.

To be honest it was fine because we started off living in a small rented house then a larger "family" home but still very modern and easy to clean. Then had a baby and I went part time so fair enough, I did the lions share of the cleaning.

Then we moved to a larger and older building and I became a SAHM and then that really tilted the balance in his favour.

I hate being a SAHM. He thinks I have an easy life and I do insofar as 'easy' equates to 'full' but it's the having to ask for cash and justify spending (my Amazon basket is full of stuff I want and just can't buy) and filling the long afternoon hours and doing it all and then doing it all again tomorrow.

In all I haven't done a bad job. I used to think I did but having been away with two other families recently mine was by far the most organised (no judgement there by the way). The house is clean, warm and inviting, the sheets changed and washed and sprayed with some sweet smelling stuff weekly, the blinds are dusted. The food is cooked. The gardens are attractive and well maintained, the dog is walked and so on.

But I want to retrain. Entering my old career would be hard after a hiatus (is that the right word??) and I think I'd be good at the new one.

You would have thought I told DH I had racked up debt of 30 grand from the look on his face!

So AIBU to think he's just pissed off his easy life is ending?

Possibly but if you're at home all day, would people honestly expect their partner to then do half of all the domestic stuff? That doesn't sound fair either.

You seem to have completely normalised how he treats you, to the extent that anyone who suggests it shows a complete and utter lack of respect and equality is shot down.

That's quite worrying on its own. Is he generally controlling? Has he always believed that he's better than you, so you should do what he tells you to or whatever makes his life easier, without question? That certainly seems to be his viewpoint now.

Why not? He lives there too, why shouldn't he clean up after himself and his children?

You shouldn't have to ask for money.

DP and I have both had periods of one not working/bringing in enough money.

We had separate bank accounts and the time and we gave each other free use of the cards.

Now we have a joint account that both our wages get put into and it's split down the middle regardless of who earns what.

You really, really shouldn't have to ask for money.

OH has always earned significantly more than me, but we have a joint account and we are a partnership. I do more housework than he does because I work fewer hours than he does and I have higher standards

Neither of us has to ask each other for money.
a) This isn't the 1950s
b) We trust and respect each other and don't feel the need to financially control the other

I think the idea of retraining is a good one. You can then be financially independent (and get a cleaner)

I honestly don't think you need to reassure yourself about your housewifery skills OP.

It doesn't matter whether you've done a great job as a SAHP or a not so great one. The fact is that it's not what you want to be doing, and you have plans for what you do want to do.

This is a positive thing for you and hence for your family and, given your values about partners supporting each other, surely it's now your partner's turn to support you in your career development as you've done his?

Hi OP, something that stuck out to me was in one of your posts you should have been stroppier from the beginning - This is not a good way to communicate with your spouse! I wonder if the problem is communication- have you both sat down together and talked about your finances properly ? I think you should start by telling your DH your unhappy with the current set up and go from there.

You're not at home all day living the life of Riley, though - you're looking after his kids. And if he lived on his own, he'd have 100% of the housework to do when he got home from work.

He gets you doing 50%, plus looking after his kids. That is normal. He has to do much less housework than he otherwise would, and his children are looked after

You wouldn't consider making him do 100% of the housework on top of his job, I'd imagine; which is what he's suggesting, even if your job is currently the children.

Your situation sounds like my Mums situation 30 years ago. She had to ask my Dad for money and justify the cost of everything. She did all the childcare and all the domestic drudgery plus all the gardening and most of the DIY stuff (she flagged the driveway on her own and made a good job of it) The balance of power only changed late in life when my Dad had a stroke but of course this meant she did more not less and by this time she bitterly resented him. Please don't allow your life to be blighted in this way. My Mum was a strong , feisty woman but had grown up in a time when women didn't question male chauvinism but you can and should.

If I was at home all day I would expect to do the lions share of the cooking and cleaning and I wouldn't be filling an Amazon basket with stuff either. I'd do it for a set period of time and then want to go back to work.

Haven't read the full thread but op are you me??

I agree asking for money is hideous but so is having a partner who spends a lot on crap from Amazon!! Set a budget as a family and get a joint account.

Childcare where I live is about £800 a month for one DC in a nursery (just an example) you are saving him his half of that by staying at home and have sacrificed your career to do so. You deserve to be treated as an equal partner.

Although I retrained and he appears to hate that even more... haha I love having my money and some power back

Of course he's pissof of his cushy life is ending. Currently it's a one way street for him. I suspect when you are retraining (given his previous form) he will still expect you to do all the domestic slavery work.

I would be prepared for some sulky episodes but he'll just need to suck it up. Maybe he could pay for a cleaner if he wants to keep his comfortable home.

Yes, actually if you are both high earners then just employ a cleaner.

I don't think I've shot anyone down; I just said I would expect the SAH parent to do the majority of the domestic chores.

But I also said everyone's different.

I think communication has always been difficult as it often ends with one or both of us getting upset/defensive/angry/argumentative. We are slowly improving though.

But surely, even if he isn't actively withholding money, "having to ask" is very unequal in terms of power within the relationship?

And when you do retrain (assuming this is the case - apologies if I have this wrong) won't you still be earning less than him, so to my mind it's not "by the by" at all?

I work very few hrs because of complex expat tax reasons and my dh travelling etc, and although my dh earns hugely more than me, we don't see it lIke that and everything goes in to one pot, because my being at home enables him to work and travel and run his own business etc and we see it as a joint enterprise.

I don't understand the mechanics of your finances.
When you were working, did your wages go on into your own account or into a joint account?
Do you still have your own account and if so does any money at all go into it? (tax refunds or credits, cash presents from family for example)
If it is a joint account do you not have access with a cheque book or debit card ?
Do you have a credit card you can use?
What would happen if you spent money without his permission?

Please please please OP just retrain. No matter what he says, does, look on his faceetc. You have the chance to escape the shackles of domestic drudgery . Grab it with both hands.

I agree with you that if you are a sahp you do the lions share of house stuff. But once you are earning , make sure hubby starts doing more and also pays his share for outsourcing domestic duties and childcare

I SAH and do most domestic stuff, and yes if the situations were reversed I would expect DH to do the laundry and cooking etc.

But I have never and will never ask him for money. It all goes into one joint account.

I childmind part time now and am going to be expanding my business into a new building next year, and will work far more hours. I told DH that when that happens we will split the household stuff 50/50 because we will be working/out of the house the same number of hours. He will still make far more than I do but that's not the point.

You were doing the majority of the household chores when you were both full time. In your family unit women are expected to work harder than men plus they have to ask for money when they want something. Most people don't put up with that, you should have equal access to cash and the same amount of disposable income without having to ask.

Retraining sounds fantastic, don't let him derail you or put you off. You also need to stop doing extra work when you retrain, base it on hours out of the house not the amount of money that you earn. In reversed roles do you honestly think he would do more housework if he earnt less, ain't never gonna happen.

And yes of course it's reasonable that the partner at home does the lion share of the domestic stuff but as pp have pointed out, he 'd still have to do a fair bit of that if he was living alone.

And yes of course it's reasonable that neither partner takes the Michael and overspends and each contribute their best efforts in what ever role they take on.

I feel for you though op because it sounds as though this situation has evolved over a long time and you were never asked if this is the situation that you wanted, it happened, you didn't really choose it (which is similar to my circumstances).

Yes, that's a fair summary Striking. He's not a horrible, awful person but it's all just happened.

I hate being a SAHM

go back to work, don't even fucking retrain- just do what you do, and then consider options OP