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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is just pissed off his cushy life is ending?

183 replies

yesterdaysunshine · 27/10/2016 08:07

DH and I are both trained professionals (ooh!) and he is the significantly higher earner. Possibly because of this, he had a tendency to understate my contribution (financially) and so the usually unspoken rule was that because he contributed more financially I should contribute more domestically. In other words, even though we both worked full time, I made up the shortfall of my financial contribution through housework.

To be honest it was fine because we started off living in a small rented house then a larger "family" home but still very modern and easy to clean. Then had a baby and I went part time so fair enough, I did the lions share of the cleaning.

Then we moved to a larger and older building and I became a SAHM and then that really tilted the balance in his favour.

I hate being a SAHM. He thinks I have an easy life and I do insofar as 'easy' equates to 'full' but it's the having to ask for cash and justify spending (my Amazon basket is full of stuff I want and just can't buy) and filling the long afternoon hours and doing it all and then doing it all again tomorrow.

In all I haven't done a bad job. I used to think I did but having been away with two other families recently mine was by far the most organised (no judgement there by the way). The house is clean, warm and inviting, the sheets changed and washed and sprayed with some sweet smelling stuff weekly, the blinds are dusted. The food is cooked. The gardens are attractive and well maintained, the dog is walked and so on.

But I want to retrain. Entering my old career would be hard after a hiatus (is that the right word??) and I think I'd be good at the new one.

You would have thought I told DH I had racked up debt of 30 grand from the look on his face!

So AIBU to think he's just pissed off his easy life is ending?

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 27/10/2016 08:33

Why should they jointly pay for a cleaner? He's been living his nice life with his extra cash while she has to ask for permission to buy herself a lipstick. I think he should have been paying the bulk of his salary into a joint account for years. He can pay for a cleaner.

Original poster
yesterdaysunshine · 27/10/2016 08:33

I have to be honest Rosie and I'm not trying to offend you, just saying how I honestly see it, I'd be feeling really put upon in your DHs position. That's not a criticism of you as it works for your family but shows we see things differently!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 27/10/2016 08:34

Why are you excusing him making you ask him for money before you make the financial choice to buy something?

chattygranny · 27/10/2016 08:34

I understand he feels his cosy existence is threatened but a reasonable man should see you need more stimulation. The bigger issue for me is the money. We were only discussing this the other day. I have been a SAHM for many years (except at times of crisis like 15% mortgage rate) with a large family and even though they're grown and fled the nest I have been totally fulfilled at home (not withstanding the odd whinge; nothing's perfect) I happen to love cooking, gardening etc, do some charity work and have an active social life and DCs. I was saying to DH the other day that I could never have lived like this if he had once said or implied "you're spending my money" we are a team. He happens to earn well and we happen to fall into the traditional roles which makes us content. We consult each other about any major purchases, sometimes each of us breaks the rules but generally it works. If he had made me "ask" I'd have got a job immediately. He is BU and you need to sit down and communicate with him how this is an issue for you, don't let it rumble on and build resentment.

Original poster
yesterdaysunshine · 27/10/2016 08:36

I'm definitely going to retrain. I'm just typing it out so I know I'm being reasonable. I know it sounds stupid as clearly I am but I can let myself be sidetracked!

OP posts:
Shiningexample · 27/10/2016 08:41

He enjoys having you beholden to him, he's the main act, you have a supportive role
and you may well have a fight on your hands when it comes to domestic work, he won't want to pick up any of that menial 'wife work'

Hassled · 27/10/2016 08:46

I think you're right as to why he's pissed off. But I also think, after presumably years of having the attitude that he earns more therefore should do less (which is gobsmacking and way beyond normal), that he's not going to suddenly change when you're working again. I suspect what will happen is that you'll work and do all the housework as well and he'll continue to do nothing because in his head he'll continue to be more important. I'm not saying don't do it - quite the opposite - but you're going to have a battle on your hands. Please tell me he has some redeeming features because they're not really leaping out at me.

scallopsrgreat · 27/10/2016 08:46

You have a very low bar yesterday. Your 'D'H is financially abusing you at the very least. He should be pulling his weight domestically when he gets home from work. Work doesn't stop just because he leaves his workplace. Running a household requires work too. You are not his unpaid ski by. You shouldn't have to ask for money and to trade income off against making you do more work is appalling. He seems to have the attitude that as the 'breadwinner' he's in charge. That is not an attitude that will be changed easily no matter what you do.

However, as you can't even see him for what he is at the moment you are do far from sorting this out that I don't really know what you want from this thread. If you go and retrain, and I think you should, he will expect you to be doing everything still. You will be working twice as hard as him and he will still not give you any respect. How long would you like that to continue?

RosieThorn · 27/10/2016 08:47

Well thankfully my DH doesn't see things as you do OP and in is, he assures me, quite happy with how we split chores/finances etc. Best of luck sorting your situation out to the satisfaction of all.

TheHubblesWindscreenWipers · 27/10/2016 08:48

The unspoken rule was that because he contributed more financially I should contribute more domestically.

This alone would make me run for the hills - the partner who works fewer hours could do more domestically. Divvying up the housework based on who earns more is illogical and creepy.
Ask him straight out - if you earned more than him would he be doing the housework?

Your husband is at best a twat who disrespects you. At worst he's financially abusing you.

SlinkyVagabond · 27/10/2016 08:49

Good for you! Stick to your guns and be the woman you want to be. And despite my last post, I can see how easy it is to slip into a role, that with hindsight, you realise isn't right.Just be prepared for him to spit his dummy out further.

Yakitori · 27/10/2016 08:52

Don't you have a joint account that he pays into? How does he withhold money? DH and I had a joint account for 5 years before we were married.

HermioneJeanGranger · 27/10/2016 08:56

Why do you think, as a married adult, that you should have to ask before you can access money to buy food?

I've never been in a position where I've had to do that, even when I've worked part-time or been inbetween jobs. Household money is household money, irrespective of who earns it.

Discussing things before you get a car loan or something, fine, but asking for money to go and get bread and milk? Do you not see how awful that sounds written down? What if he says no?

Original poster
yesterdaysunshine · 27/10/2016 08:56

I don't think he withholds it, it's just as I say having to ask. Anyway it's by the by as hopefully next September I can start my course and qualify after that.

OP posts:
ToastyFingers · 27/10/2016 08:58

You shouldn't have to ask for money.

We're by no means well off, but when I became a SAHM, DP gave me his bank card and has never questioned any spending.

whothefuckhas5children · 27/10/2016 08:59

My husband and I are both trained professionals too (university degrees and postgraduate). He is a SAHD and has never had to ask me for money. Full access to our family money - in fact he does the household finances. It works for usas we have an equal idea of what normal spending is i.e. Neither of us are spendaholics.

Couldn't imagine how unbalanced the house would be if I made him ask for spending money.

whothefuckhas5children · 27/10/2016 09:01

And if he wanted to go back to work I'd fully support him. Just as he's supported my career over the last few years. Partnership.

OP I hope it all works out for you.

GoofyTheHero · 27/10/2016 09:02

I know it's not normal as a whole package but I do think asking for money from time to time is, if you see what I mean. Or at any rate I know a lot of women who do.

I'm a SAHM. I've never asked for a penny. I organise all our finances so know what is available to spend etc. Obviously I don't spend willy nilly, but within the realms of what we have available, of course I don't ask permission to spend family money.

Also, despite me organising our entire lives for the past 3 years and doing the bulk of the domestic work (DH is fairly high earning and works away a lot), he is more than happy for me to retrain to get back into the work place and is figuring out how he can work more flexibly to enable this.

GoofyTheHero · 27/10/2016 09:03

Our financial set up is just like whothefuckhas5children but in reverse, in fact.

Rolocookies · 27/10/2016 09:04

I'm a SAHM and I do ask DH if purchases are okay but he also asks me when he wants something. Just to make sure neither of us need it for something as money if fairly tight. I can't imagine it being one sided.

It does sound like he's frustrated his cushy life will change.

LadyAEIOU · 27/10/2016 09:08

Sorry, I can't get past him thinking you should do more domestically because you earned less, despite working full time!

This. I do more atm as I'm on maternity so when DH comes home he has time with DD and I will tidy up. My suggestion so DD gets time with both of us. When you move in together I'm all for doing fair share but when you move in it isn't about keeping tabs. Full time is full time, you both work just as hard and are just as worn out. I'd be upset if DH said as he earns more I do more domestic stuff (we do the exact same jobb too he gets more because he is more experienced) so both just as tired.

Original poster
yesterdaysunshine · 27/10/2016 09:10

To be honest, I don't think he would now and nor would I stand for it. But when we were first living together I felt guilty I suppose as he was paying so much more than me.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 27/10/2016 09:10

Yes, you and your DH both need to think about the word "partnership". Judging by your response to Rosie earlier you haven't really thought through the idea of equal responsibility in your relationship.

I don't mean to be judgemental, but I think you've been in this situation for so long that you don't really see it clearly.

Strikingclock · 27/10/2016 09:11

YY Hubble has it - if he earned less but did the same hrs, would he be doing the lion's share of the housework?

First step op: tell him you want to get things on a more equal basis and you want to set up a joint bank account. He won't really be able to mask his reactions to that v easily (assuming he will object) .

How much does he help around the house as a matter of interest?

Good luck with your retraining and your new life op! Judging from the responses you've had on here, the power of Mnset is behind you!

TheCommunalRibena · 27/10/2016 09:13

OP great that you are retraining.

But use this as an opportunity to explain about the financial shit hole you have been put in for however long.

Not being able to buy yourself stuff on Amazon? Having to explain where your money is going?

He should trust you and you should be able to spend money without having to explain.