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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed if clothes I passed on have been re-sold

236 replies

iklelis83 · 26/10/2016 09:51

Hi I have been passing one Kids outgrown clothes to a friend (call them F) to whom I'm under impression are a bit tight on money.
im aware of other people also passing on clothes too.
It's come to my attention that F has re-sold a set of some of the clothes been passed onto F.
So I wanted to get others feeling on this as initially I'm a bit Pd off if F is not buying clothes for their kids, taking clothes off other people & selling them to make a profit.
I've not sold clothes before because Im under impression F is bit tight on money so want to save them money. However I have 2 kids & need to buy 2 lots of clothes & a little annoyed at others around me assuming I am financially comfortable more so than F.
Would anyone else be annoyed or just let it go & say good luck to F if they can make some money back?
Many thanks all

OP posts:
RB68 · 26/10/2016 17:13

you gave the clothes away as you no longer need them. Yes you could have sold them yourself but you didn't. If they are so tight for money they are peddling second hand clothes and all the incmbent hassle with that I would say let them get on with it - money is clearly beyond "tight" its desperate

I hate people who give things then think they have the right to dictate what happens with stuff and expect eternal gratitude My sister pisses me off so much I make a point of asking her permission to get rid of stuff she has given my daughter, you cant keep stuff forever

yesterdaysunshine · 26/10/2016 17:17

I hate being given kids' clothes, to be honest.

Saying 'no thank you' doesn't seem to be the done thing and I'm not organised enough to sell them so charity shops are the way forwards.

francii · 26/10/2016 17:20

Not RTFT yet but YANBU!! I put a load of baby clothes up on the local selling site and offered them for free, my only condition was it was passed on for free again once it was no longer needed! a lot of it was stuff which I had been given by a friend but it was all in excellent condition and I had permission from the friend to do this. Some of it was stuff I'd bought and was nearly new condition. Anyway, a local woman came and took and it couldn't have been more grateful, kept asking if I wanted anything and I just repeated that as long as she passed them on after it was fine. A few months later she's selling bundles of it on the same page! I went mental and she blocked me but continued to do it! Now I only give to close friends or charity. It's crap she has done this and I would have to say something.

hellswelshy · 26/10/2016 17:33

Sorry but I think yabu. If you give items away then either be clear about what to do with them if not wanted/needed or just accept those items are no longer yours. Giving shouldn't really have so many conditions should it? Hmm

nokidshere · 26/10/2016 17:38

YABU

If you want something specific to happen with the clothes then do it yourself. They are not your property once you have given them away and it's not your business what she does with them.

Lollipopgirls · 26/10/2016 17:40

Once you've given them away, they are hers to do what she wants with. I see where you're coming from, but you say she's tight on money - if she's a friend I wouldn't begrudge her a few pounds from selling kids clothes Sad

Either give them gladly or don't give them at all, I think.

lasttimeround · 26/10/2016 17:42

Once you give something surely it's that persons right to do as they want? Unless someone actually asks you for clothes for their kids.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/10/2016 17:44

Firstly, I don't think you give clothes away with conditions attached. It is really up to her what she does with them and I also think it's odd that you would expect items you've given away to be returned to you once they've been worn by another child. You could have just given them to a charity shop, who would have resold them anyway if you felt like that. I frequently bundle good quality clothes for e-bay sales, my son has been given/bought some lovely things but if he's grown out of them and they're still in excellent condition, I will happily resell to buy him new stuff. I don't see the problem at all. It makes perfect sense to me!

mumwithatum · 26/10/2016 17:46

I think it depends on whether she has them on eBay just after you have given them or after her child has grown out of them. If she is taking them from you to sell straight away either have a word or just stop. However if she is receiving them, using them and then selling them after a clear out then FairPlay to her especially if others are giving them to her too. Do you expect her to write a list of who gave what and what she bought/received as gifts? This way she is being helped twice - getting wear out of clothes and making some money to buy new ones too.
If it's a big issue just don't give them.

WankersHacksandThieves · 26/10/2016 18:00

I'm with you OP. I've had this done to me. I simply don't give them stuff anymore. I just donate it to charity instead which is what I would have expected them to do after use. The people in question are far better off than I am too.

This particular person wasn't backwards in asking for particular items which I really didn't mind at the time as I usually have a pile of outgrown stuff.

I never force stuff on people, I've either offered it or been asked.

Cordychase · 26/10/2016 18:07

Yabu.... Let me get this straight, she is being given clothes because she is short of cash, yet you are miffed she is selling these clothes that are now hers, to make some cash.

PersianCatLady · 26/10/2016 18:13

Whether YABU to me depends on the answer to this -
"Did F use the clothes for her DC first and then after they were no longer needed she sold them OR did she take them from you and sell them straight away?"

Kew1234 · 26/10/2016 18:14

YANBU. I only pass clothes on with the condition of please pass on what you don't need etc. No I can't police it, but if I spot the clothes on resell sites they don't get them again. It's a bit cheeky and isn't in the spirit in which they were given. I've had it a couple of times when people have obviously cherry picked out the brand new pieces to sell rather than let their kids wear it HmmI am very fortunate in that loads of very good clothes come my way, whole wardrobes full! I'm my very large families distribution point! It's great, we get as much wear out as we can (but still lots have tags on, & never get worn) and then I bundle up what is still good (normally enough to split and pass on to 3-4 people). Thankfully most people are happy to wear and pass on what they don't want Smile

WankersHacksandThieves · 26/10/2016 18:15

I don't think the answer does depend on that question. She's been given the clothes for free for her children. Anyone with morals would then pass them on for free or donate them. I don't get the impression that the OPs friend is living on the bread line.

user1475440127 · 26/10/2016 18:19

Pees me off too. I will not pay for "hand me downs". I'm careful who I give stuff to
I don't put a monetary value on worn clothes or equipment. If I've had my use out of them they go to the charity shop or one particular person ( not especially hard up but she does pass the stuff on).
I also refuse cash for donated clothes.
My motto is ; " People who worry about money, have money to worry about".

KatharinaRosalie · 26/10/2016 18:29

If you wanted to sell them yourself, you could have done it, but you didn't. I don't see any difference if she used them before or not. You decided to give them away - no conditions attached. It was up to her to decide what to do with them. I don't see the OP claiming that the friend just pretended to have money trouble or anything?

It seems more of a hurt pride problem - that your child's clothes were not good enough for hers, as she decided to sell them instead.

Lukesme · 26/10/2016 19:00

Had exactly the same experience OP. Leaves you feeling sick. Some I have passed on i would have sold if I didn't think I was helping someone out. I just told myself to forget it I can change what happened and if you give something away you can't control what happens to it. I have never given anything else to these two ladies. I also stopped giving to another neighbour when I saw my daughter's bearly worn clarks party shoes being used for dressing up play. They obviously were not to her liking for parties but I felt bad for someone who would have missed out but loved them what I don't sell I charity shop with the hope that it goes to someone In need. I use a local charity too the national ones charge a fortune and price out people who are genuinely hard up

ifeellikechickentonight · 26/10/2016 19:09

I have bags and bags of clothes given to us for DD, I can't remember who any of them are from. Loads are horrible and many are the wrong age for the season. As she grows out of a size they go up in the loft sorted by age and unisex or girl for convenience if/when we have another baby. When I'm done with them I'm selling the lot. I have no idea who gave us what, surely you're not suggesting I keep a log?

Unless they were specifically a loan they're hers now to use, sell or otherwise, surely?? Sorry OP I think YABU, it's lovely you're trying to help a friend who's hard up but if you want the cash yourself then you should sell them yourself.

user1473509591 · 26/10/2016 19:27

Yanbu if you indicated you wanted the clothes back or gifted on. But I had a colleague give me some clothes for my baby, very kindly didn't expect payment. Came time to sell them on, but it included bits I was given, presents, things ide bought myself ect, was a pretty big bundle, tried selling on Facebook and she sent me a pretty shitty message saying how she gave me those clothes out of the kindness of her heart and didn't think I was the type to try and make money off her dogooding. I tried explaining that it's not just her stuff in the bundle and I couldn't remember which bits came from where, in the end I gave the whole lot away to avoid agro. She's also quite high ranking where I worked so I didn't want to taint any chance of promotions but I am funny about accepting clothes now.

drspouse · 26/10/2016 20:19

Lukesme would it be OK if someone bought your daughter's shoes from a charity shop and wore them for dressing up?
I think it's a bit much expecting that you have any say in how a gift is used!

ifeellike I'm with you. Life's too short to keep a spreadsheet of who gave you what hand me downs.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 26/10/2016 20:30

I'd be miffed, I know the argument that once you give something away it's no longer yours, but I wouldn't contemplate selling something that I'd been given, and wouldn't expect anyone else to do so either - certainly not without running past me first.
If I give things to someone, my usual provision is, when you've finished with it/ them please pass it/ them onto someone else who can make use of them. When I was in temporary accomadation and people were very kind to me, they gave me bits and pieces of furniture. As and when I replaced them, I gave them all away, would never have sold them.

Dizzybintess · 26/10/2016 20:34

My mum is an amazing knitter and a few years ago she gave one of my baby cardigans to a lady who had an unexpected baby at the age of 45.
A few years later my mum found the cardie entered in the town flower show and craft competition. It was entered under the ladies name as her own handiwork and she had won first prize of £100!!!!

itstimeforchange · 26/10/2016 22:55

I think it's understandable to feel a bit miffed if things are being sold on straight away, but only in the sense of, "oh, I was looking forward to seeing them wear that."

As others have said, you give something away, it's not yours anymore, so dictating what happens to it (unless you have previously specified that you'd like it returned) seems a little bit self-serving to me. Giving things away freely is so much more rewarding than holding onto items (mentally or physically)!

We don't have much money and if I could sell a few things on that I'd been given (wrong size, not to my taste, brand new with tags and I'm not bothered about the item, they've grown out of them, etc) then I would. But I'm also the first to jump at giving someone a whole pile of things that they need if the situation arises... Swings and roundabouts.

Topseyt · 27/10/2016 00:15

I don't get the issue. You had given her the clothes so they were no longer yours.

This wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Do people really give stuff away and then expect to either have it back at will or dictate somehow what happens to it?

NightWanderer · 27/10/2016 00:23

I couldn't sell something that I've been given. I would always Pay it Forward, either passing to a friend, free cycle or charity shop. I think hand me downs are different to gifts. I just couldn't profit from a friends generosity.