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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed if clothes I passed on have been re-sold

236 replies

iklelis83 · 26/10/2016 09:51

Hi I have been passing one Kids outgrown clothes to a friend (call them F) to whom I'm under impression are a bit tight on money.
im aware of other people also passing on clothes too.
It's come to my attention that F has re-sold a set of some of the clothes been passed onto F.
So I wanted to get others feeling on this as initially I'm a bit Pd off if F is not buying clothes for their kids, taking clothes off other people & selling them to make a profit.
I've not sold clothes before because Im under impression F is bit tight on money so want to save them money. However I have 2 kids & need to buy 2 lots of clothes & a little annoyed at others around me assuming I am financially comfortable more so than F.
Would anyone else be annoyed or just let it go & say good luck to F if they can make some money back?
Many thanks all

OP posts:
Coconutty · 26/10/2016 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Berthatydfil · 26/10/2016 10:24

Is she selling them before her child has worn them ? Or once they are outgrown ?
I think if she's selling them straight on then that's wrong but if her child has worn them and they are out grown well that's fair game as they are no use to her any longer.

neolara · 26/10/2016 10:24

I would be annoyed and not give clothes to them again.

acornsandnuts · 26/10/2016 10:26

My sister did this with clothes I'd passed on. I was pissed for about 20 seconds then thought meh. Life's too short.

5moreminutes · 26/10/2016 10:28

Its a bit of a grey area isn't it - I think it is "in the spirit" of passing clothes on for free that the clothes are then passed on for free again when they are finished with.

At least she didn't do what my mum did - badger me to pass stuff on to my pregnant sister, insist on collecting my baby stuff from me to pass on, complain that I hadn't passed on enough, come and collect more, go and dump it on my sister (who it turned out didn't want second hand items) then chuck all my baby stuff including a wrap that I was quite sentimental about having carried DC2 in it for the best part of 9 months unceremoniously in the bin before sister's DC was even born, without so much as a warning to me that she was doing that Angry

AhNowTed · 26/10/2016 10:29

YANBU

It's crass and rude. She should have offered them back first after she used them, if indeed she did

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 26/10/2016 10:29

Think she sold them as soon as she could. Niiiice.Hmm

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 26/10/2016 10:33

It would annoy me too, but it seems to be a common problem (on mn anyway). If F is getting clothes from different people, maybe she doesn't have space, to store the clothes her DC has outgrown. I have seen several threads on mn like yours about clothes or baby stuff. There isn't much you can do, other than stop giving the clothes to F. It's not worth falling out over.

Shemozzle · 26/10/2016 10:34

I have never ever sold a hand me down. I offer back or pass on/charity shop after checking with them first.

With friends I only tend to give clothes I don't care if I don't get back, or definitely don't want back. High street branded things. I also have lots of expensive kids clothes, Boden, Frugi, scandi brands etc that I'm keeping for next DC and I have offered all that stuff to close friends on the understanding I get it back but tell them
not to worry about wear and tear. Some have been very greatful and use it and give it back. One specifically asked for it all after I explained I wanted it back, I got it all out the loft, sorted into ages, delivered, and then they told me actually they'd changed their mind because it would be a hassle sorting through to work out what was mine so they gave it all back again. That was annoying.

I always ask if they want stuff first and then always give them the choice of stuff to keep or keep and borrow too so I make it really clear.

tictactoad · 26/10/2016 10:35

What would you have done with them if you hadn't passed them on to her?

If her selling them pisses you off (and I don't blame you for that. It would me) do that next time.

pictish · 26/10/2016 10:35

Wouldn't bother me at all. i don't give away anything I can't afford to lose so once it's gone, it's gone.
I can never be bothered selling stuff on so kudos to those who can.

Note3 · 26/10/2016 10:37

I used to think selling on was cheeky. Having given it thought though I don't think there's anything wrong doing so if it is to fund buying further clothes or things for baby as it's still achieving the same purpose. As a PP wrote, if someone was then treating themselves to luxuries as a result then morally I think that's wrong.

When I had children I was given some clothes as welcome presents which I couldn't use (baby outgrew quickly or season wrong). I sold them and bought stuff baby could wear so the persons gift wasn't wasted, just was not as originally intended.

Mablethorpe · 26/10/2016 10:38

This reminds me of the time I gave a distant family member my 10 month old M&P pramette which had cost £££ new.

I thought she was hard up, so paid £35 to ship it to her home hundreds of miles from me. She was very pleased but a few days later she texted me to say the wheel had fallen off, it was dangerous and couldn't be repaired. I was a bitHmm but gave her the benefit if the doubt until another week or so later, when she's talking to people on her FB feed asking for £150 to sell it.

I want amused and haven't spoken to her since.

5moreminutes · 26/10/2016 10:38

It does also depend whether you gave them to F or whether D asked for them.

Most people do get the result of a friend's children's clothing clear out pretty much dumped on them at some point (rather like my mum dumping my baby stuff on my sister, except my mum had led me to believe my sister wanted the stuff but was embarrassed to ask, not that mum mum just fancied playing Santa and would bin the stuff instead of asking me whether I wanted it back or to go to charity).

I've had an acquaintance try to give me stuff, accepted out of politeness, and then given it back when she tried to charge me what seemed like virtually new prices for things I didn't really even want! Also had a friend arrive for the kids to play with an unexpected bin bag stuffed to the brim with outgrown clothes which then toddler DD was delighted at the sight of but which once I looked through them were mostly not things I wanted... Some items even had her child's name personalised on them - our children don't have the same names... Charity shopped most of it, some was only good for recycling, didn't sell it though!

m0therofdragons · 26/10/2016 10:40

I've been given clothes and bought some. I try to pass on what was passed to me but I may occasionally muddle which was bought and which were given. I'd never do it deliberately.

Palegreenstars · 26/10/2016 10:45

I think you are being unreasonable. If she's struggling for money she will have no doubt had to do the horrible thing that many of us have done of walking round the house trying to work out what items she could sell to pay her next set of bills that will have the smallest impact on her family. You can't place restrictions on that.

Don't give stuff away if there are strings attached.

PollyPickets · 26/10/2016 10:55

I wouldn't be best pleased but she will be in a pretty desperate financial situation if she is selling second hand kids clothes so I would let it ago (unless top end stuff). Just never give her clothes again so you can be sure she is not profiting from it.

She could also have been sorting through and not have realised that the clothes she was selling were given to her.

Lweji · 26/10/2016 10:55

What did you expect her to do with the clothes?
Have her children wore the clothes, or has she sold them straight on?
I don't think I'd mind her selling the clothes, as that meant she could then buy some of her liking, other than simply relying on hand outs.

Or, she doesn't need them, in which case, I'd rather donate to someone who did, or to a charity shop, or Freecycle or something.

Eliza22 · 26/10/2016 10:56

YANBU. I had this years ago with a friend. I passed on loads of clothes/toys (and I do mean a lot) for her youngest son. I never saw him play with or wear anything. In fact (and it's not kind to say) her two boys were always in clothes that looked ill fitting and worn out, from the charity shop. I thought she'd love the stuff I'd given her because much of it hadn't been worn or very rarely so. She Ebayed the lot! I wish I'd given them to charity.

myownprivateidaho · 26/10/2016 10:58

I think it makes a bit of a difference whether you just handed stuff over in a big package, without giving F the opportunity to pick through and see what he needed, or whether F got to choose. And also when the sale was -- if it was the next day, yanbu, if six months + later I'd be more inclined to think that the kids' needs had changed.

mydietstartsmonday · 26/10/2016 11:00

does it really matter...you gave them away...can you really be arsed with selling or donating.

budgiegirl · 26/10/2016 11:00

If they have been worn for a while by her children, then I think it's fair enough to sell them on, as she would with clothes she had bought herself.

But if she's selling them straight away, then that's a bit off, although if I thought she was really hard up, then that would soften my view.

But if you don't like it, give the clothes to charity, or sell them yourself.

JellyBelli · 26/10/2016 11:02

This is why some poeple wouild rather put their unwanted stuff in the bin. From the tone of your post, I dont think you've ever been poor. And you are not being charitable.
If you understood poverty you might realise that her kids may not need several of the same thing but she might neeed money to buy electricity or gas. Or food. If you get the impression things are tight then they are probably worse than you realise, because most people would rather not let anyone else know they are not doing as well.
If you make a gift to someone, give it and let the thing go. If you need it back say so. If you dont want them to benefit from it in other ways then tell them not to sell it, that way they know and can make a decision about whether to accept items from you in future.

reallyanotherone · 26/10/2016 11:03

You've given them away. You have no say in what happens to them after that.

You say your friend is short of money. So she either saves money on buying clothes or makes money on selling them. Same outcome. Particularly if sheepshead lots given, she may have kept what she needs and sold the rest on.

Damselindestress · 26/10/2016 11:04

Technically, the clothes you gave her are now hers and she can do what she wants with them but I can understand why you would be annoyed. You could've got money by selling them yourself but gave them away because you thought she was in need only to see her selling them on. But OTOH maybe she is struggling financially and selling the baby clothes to pay for necessities. It's less embarrassing to ask friends for hand me down baby clothes than money for the gas bill. I think my opinion of her would depend on whether she is just cynically flipping stuff people passed on to her in good faith for a quick profit or whether she is selling stuff because she is struggling but embarrassed to admit it. But there's no way of knowing that. If it bothers you, just don't give her stuff again.