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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed if clothes I passed on have been re-sold

236 replies

iklelis83 · 26/10/2016 09:51

Hi I have been passing one Kids outgrown clothes to a friend (call them F) to whom I'm under impression are a bit tight on money.
im aware of other people also passing on clothes too.
It's come to my attention that F has re-sold a set of some of the clothes been passed onto F.
So I wanted to get others feeling on this as initially I'm a bit Pd off if F is not buying clothes for their kids, taking clothes off other people & selling them to make a profit.
I've not sold clothes before because Im under impression F is bit tight on money so want to save them money. However I have 2 kids & need to buy 2 lots of clothes & a little annoyed at others around me assuming I am financially comfortable more so than F.
Would anyone else be annoyed or just let it go & say good luck to F if they can make some money back?
Many thanks all

OP posts:
Brown76 · 26/10/2016 13:41

Unless you asked the items were on loan to your friend, or that you wanted them to go to charity after she was finished with them then you are being unreasonable. She may have had lots of, say, trousers and tops and no shoes or underwear for her kids, so sold one and bought another. I was lucky to receive gifts of both new and used baby clothes, but many were not suitable for my child and so I donated the majority and sold a few items that were brand new but the wrong size, season, gender etc and used the money to buy some clothing my child needed. I also received loaned items, which I dutifully to labelled, catalogued and kept separate from the things I'd been gifted or bought myself. I have mostly now returned these to their owners, who funnily enough didn't seem overjoyed to have back a load of used clothes they thought they'd got rid of and then had to find other recipients for.

drspouse · 26/10/2016 13:43

I also received loaned items, which I dutifully to labelled, catalogued and kept separate from the things I'd been gifted or bought myself.

That's very conscientious. I'm afraid I didn't manage that with the 100s of things we were given!

Marshmallow92 · 26/10/2016 14:50

kathalinarosaliebecause you were helping by giving them clothes to ease costs, not to sell for money. You give them away with kindness. Most parents could all do with extra money so I'm sure they would want to sell them themselves if they knew the person they were passing them to was just going to sell them on. If people weren't going to use my donations as I intended I'm sorry but I would rather have the money in my pocket or donate to charity!

JellyBelli · 26/10/2016 14:56

Give with no strings attached, or just offer and spell out your conditions first. Its clear reading this thread that everyone has different expectations.

KC225 · 26/10/2016 15:03

A firend of mine passed on some beautiful clothes for my daughter. When she had outgrown them I asked the mother is she wanted then back or could I pass them on to a specific charity abroad (knew the fundraisers). She was happy t for the clothes to go to charity. To sell them would have been tacky on the back of a lovely gesture.

Original poster
iklelis83 · 26/10/2016 16:14

Thanks ladies for ur comments. I was on the fence about this so all your comments have really helped. I'll stop worrying and bear in mind the children wearing the clothes rather than what money I or F can make from it.
I wouldn't ask for them back, comments about splitting profits I'd be too embarrassed to ask- but a good idea if I had the gumption
Also I'll find out before hand what they need as some pointed out what I hand over they may have double of.

Didn't think so many would respond- 1st time posted so thanks for ur time

OP posts:
feejee · 26/10/2016 16:19

I have a wonderful friend who has sent me her sons clothes for the past 2 years. As a stay at home mum who wasn't bringing a salary in i was very very thankful of this and it has saved us hundreds of pounds. I pack them all up once my son outgrows them and give them back to her. She might go on to have another boy, or have someone else to pass them on to. I see it is as being lent, not given, and think it is only right to give them back once finished with. Obviously anything totally ruined (which to be fair has only been a couple of t-shirts) i dont worry about. Your friend is cheeky.

paranoidmother · 26/10/2016 16:20

I remember having a friend who had an older DS than my son and a younger DD than my daughter. They talked about giving away DS's clothes to help other people, which made me think it was a good idea. I offer DD's clothes. They took them and then turned around a week later and said that they wouldn't be passing on DS's clothes anymore as they weren't into that type of thing. I'd given them 4 black bags of clothes in decent condition. DH said I should of asked for them back but I was too gobsmacked!

PersianCatLady · 26/10/2016 16:22

Can I just ask a quick question?

Did F use the clothes for her DC first and then after they were no longer needed she sold them OR did she take them from you and sell them straight away?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/10/2016 16:22

I agree with PaleGreenStars; either give the clothes willingly - and actually relinquish control of them - or don't.

How do any of you know that they're being sold anyway? Do you haunt their ebay accounts or FB or something?

I can understand the 'wanting it back' for heirloom stuff but surely, if things are that precious, they don't go outside the family anyway? I can see the logistical nightmare of trying to work out whose clothes were whose in trying to give them back when there were multiple donors too.

Really, just don't give clothes unless you really don't want them anymore - and are happy to give them - and then leave the recipient alone to do as they wish with them.

NeverNic · 26/10/2016 16:22

Personally I'd say if her child has worn them / grown out of them, then it's fine to sell them. If she is taking what you are giving her and selling straight away, then that's taking the p. You passed them on for her children to wear them.

If it upsets you, don't pass things on again in future. I'd be inclined not to.

LadyAEIOU · 26/10/2016 16:28

If F is pretending to be short of cash to get clothes under the guise that they are for her children and is then selling them on to have extra disposable income that isn't on.

If they are being sold when her own children have grown out of them and she needs the money then that's ok. If she is really skint and is getting an excess of clothes and is selling the spares to get money to cover food or bills then I'd let it slide.

I was given loads of clothes from my colleague A when his DD had grown out of them (his DD one year older than mine). Doing the same job he knows I'm not skint it was more to save the money I had for other things rather than spend loads on new clothes. I offered some money he said no. Another colleague off mine B has just had a DD so I've given him first refusal o these clothes as seems fairest however if he does not want them I will probably sell as I don't know anyone else with DD and have loads of clothes building up.

I think it's more if F has been getting the clothes for made up reasons. I'm sure you are fine if she has used them and no one else to pass them on to.

DerelictMyBalls · 26/10/2016 16:28

YABU. She needs money and is selling things she owns in order to get it.

Fluffsnuts · 26/10/2016 16:30

I think she is out of order. You gave them to her for her children to wear and to save her money. If she did't want them she should have either given them back or passed them on (for free).

cbigs · 26/10/2016 16:30

I'm so surprised some people have an issue with this? If she owns something she doesn't need or use she perfectly within her rights to sell/ give/ throw away whatever she wants. Once you give it to her (unless you state differently )it's up to her.... she'll be making a couple of quid if that on these items it's hardly a living... Hmm

Discobabe · 26/10/2016 16:39

Yanbu.

If you don't want them pass them along again. You don't sell them and profit from someone elses generosity imo.

Lunahoneydew · 26/10/2016 16:49

I understand, I've been in the same situation as you.

However, you have given those clothes to her. They are a gift. What she decides to then do with those clothes is essentially her business.

Have you ever sold an unwanted gift? I know I have.

It would piss you off that people assume you are more comfortable financially, yet you are assuming she is struggling. Sounds like maybe you shouldn't assume of your friend what you wouldn't want people to assume of you. Hmm

abeandhalo · 26/10/2016 16:55

I must believe in paying it forward way too much b/c I'd be really shocked if someone did this to me. If she didn't need or want them, absolutely fine but I'd expect them to be given to a charity shop to someone else in need! They were gifted for clothing kids, not for profit.

Cherrysoup · 26/10/2016 16:57

You can't gift stuff with conditions. If I give stuff away, it's because I no longer want it. When I leave bags out for charity, I don't really care if they're taken by someone who will sell them for rags. If it's really decent stuff, I drive to the charity shop.

ANewStartOverseas · 26/10/2016 17:00

If you giver clothes, she will be helped by the clothes. Or she will be helped by the mkoney made from the clothes. It might be taht she already has a lot of similar clothes that has been given to her so the money she would be making will help her, albeit in a different way.

On your point of view, regardless of whether she sells the clothes or not (now or later after using them), you will not be worse off. You had already made a choice that it would be ok for you to give those clothes away.

If she had decided they werent to her taste and had chucked them in the bin, then YWNBU.

woodsies1975 · 26/10/2016 17:03

If I have given stuff away to friends then I always say to either donate to charity or pass on to another friend if there's any life left in the clothes although chances are there won't be. I've been lucky enough to have been given things for my son from my SIL and a good friend and I always check to see what thy want me to do when we're done with them.

The time we loaned our stair gates to friends who were looking for some to fit their weirdly shaped staircase however, is a different matter. They sold them on to someone else and I only found out a few months later when I asked for them back as I knew they didn't work on their staircase and another friend was looking for some. I am still annoyed about that now. Must learn to let go

JustSpeakSense · 26/10/2016 17:04

I'd be really annoyed, I'm amazed some posters say it's ok to do this.

I'd just let it go though, and not pass anymore clothes onto her.

Lweji · 26/10/2016 17:06

It's not that much different from giving clothes to a charity shop that sells them, is it?

The point is that someone benefits from them, rather than being thrown away or are just sitting in storage doing nothing.

irretating · 26/10/2016 17:11

Make like Elsa and Let It Go.

I can see why you're upset by this but try and think of it this way, it's nearly winter, it's nearly Christmas. It's a very expensive time of year and she's probably desperately trying to scrabble as much money together as possible.

Chopstick17 · 26/10/2016 17:11

YANBU I'd be a bit miffed too. You gave them to help them out and in some ways you still are because they got cash for them. I just would stop donating clothes to them in future and give them to a good cause i.e a charity shop of your choice.

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