My DH's SN have prevented me from helping a woman in need

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

Trying to cut it short - acquaintance I first met 12 years ago, she moved away, lost contact, met her in the street a wee while ago, gave her my number etc....

Her life is a mess. Too much detail would be identifying, but essentially it's a mess, mostly not of her doing....

She phoned tonight when I was dropping my youngest at an activity - she needed a place to stay tonight until she can get to the council offices first thing tomorrow.

I feel so upset as I had to turn her down. My DH is autistic and has social phobia - he simply couldn't have coped if I had brought a stranger home to stay overnight no matter how in need she was.

I had to turn her down - she was in tears and obviously desperate for a place to spend the night. I offered her sleeping bag/air bed etc if she can find somewhere to go but I feel helpless as I couldn't help her.

My DH is supposed to be away with work this week and if he had been away she could have come, but as he is here I honestly had no choice.

I don't have the money to pay for her to have a night in a b&b or anything, and she clearly doesn't have the money either.

Have you heard from your friend OP?

Has she found anywhere to stay for the night?

The woman in trouble has posted from someone else's Facebook account - she is saying things are really bad at the moment but I assume she is with the person whose Facebook account she used

I think you made the only choice open to you. There are some spectacularly horrible contributions to this thread.

I accept that this is how you say it is for you. I am mystified how you reach a stage where you can clearly function as a parent and a wife, and on a professional level and yet cannot cope with the above scenario.

I'm not on a professional level any more, but admittedly when I was it added another layer of stress to be dealt with, and I am in awe of those who work to,a high level as well as managing homelife.
I function fine as a parent and wife, I manage fine with unexpected trips to A&E if necessary (as an example), although I would need a period of recovery after. Our life at home is as predictable as it can be, if we are to have guests, it is very well planned and therefore is manageable. The DC know not to bring someone home without warning, not just for me, but DH doesn't like visitors, ds1 doesn't like them, we all need to be prepared.
The above scenario is someone unexpected and unknown coming into our safe space. It's not really rocket science to understand.

There's no mystery to it, and to suggest that, and to end your post with I just will never understand it shows a real lack of respect for those of us who are not NT. As I tell my 5 yr old, who manages to understand, the world is a big enough place for all sorts of different people, different colours, different sizes, different brains. We're not all wired up the same, and to expect everyone to be the same is really quite naïve.

The tone of your posts sounds quite patronising towards autistic people, did you intend that?

OP, if your husband has a great job with international travel, how could you not give her £50 for somewhere to stay tonight?

The only thing I would say OP, is that if I didn't have any money to get her a B&B for the night, and my DH had a very good job.

I would have asked him to lend me enough to cover one night for her.

Elfy, some autistic people can empathise. Or have counselling to explore what empathy looks like. My son and I are both on the spectrum, and can empathise to a degree. Probably not the same as someone NT (as I wouldn't know how they do it if that makes sense) but my psychiatrist said I had a good degree of it.

Like everything, we aren't all the same.

I've had people from autism groups say they would never have guessed I was aspergers. But that's because I know how I should behave. Or feel. So I try and fake it. A lot.

Apologies, X posted with Imperial there.

Bombadier... I was merely pointing out that Slotted Spoon says that she cannot fathom this thought process (yet wades onto a thread about it merrily). I cannot understand hers as I am quite different.

I'm not saying one or other of us is right and the other wrong, but she's saying it's odd to her, while she is odd to me. And if we're going to give 'odd' lables...

Now you were much nastier than I was so you can take your piss off and...

Hi all,

Thanks for the reports about this thread.

We're going through and removing any posts that we feel break our Talk Guidelines.

We won't tolerate disablist posts and we'd be really grateful if folks could consider the challenges that many families of people with disabilities, or those who have disabilities themselves, face on a daily basis.

Mumsnet exists to make parent's lives easier and if there's one thing we could all do with, it's some understanding and moral support.

Thanks everyone

Giles that choice would still lead to a great deal of anxiety tbh, given that it's still out of the blue. If I had to choose though I would choose that, but it would still be very difficult.

Just want to point out about empathy - many people with ASD have, if anything, too much empathy (this applies to me and ds2), but lacking in cognitive empathy. So we can feel it, but often haven't a clue how to deal with it, if that makes sense. Sometimes people can appear to have no empathy, but that's how they deal with not knowing how to react at all.

The trouble with ASD is that the people who speak loudest on TV about it tend to be those whose knowledge is now outdated, even though they still pass it off as fact. If you want to know about ASD, ask someone who is autistic.

Did you ask your DH if your friend could stay and explain the circumstances to him and that it would have been only one night?

aaaargh to the whole 'no empathy' thing. sorry op, not meaning you really, just the world. it is hard for people on the spectrum to put themselves in anothers shoes, so to speak, perhaps to see the world through anothers eyes, but in the sense of caring for other people, feeling their emotions, emotional empathy, many people think that the issue is that they feel it too much, not too little. obviously, every person is different, as we all are.

Lots of people who don't have autism lack empathy.

and elfycat, you were the one throwing the hints of 'traits' round like its an insult. shame on you

Ergh, I didn't mean to suggest all autistic people don't empathise. My DH doesn't, as the OP's DH doesn't. And it's not lack of empathy in DH's case, but more that he can't see the thing to empathise over unless it's spelled out for him. I have HCP friends with autism who are great at empathy partly because they understand how difficult some things are for people.

At the end of the day though, you call her an acquaintance rather than a friend, you've only just met her again recently and may not know the full truth of her situation, and only you truly know what the impact would have been on your husband. Sounds to me you made the right choice in very difficult circumstances.

Margo, maybe you should read back on the thread at the many posts explaining why this wouldn't be possible.

Sorry, that was to your 22:05 post.

Empathy or not, I still wouldn't cope with a relative stranger in my house with next to no warning.

When I bumped into her a few weeks ago she was in a homeless hostel.

So this women is already known to the homeless team, why is she not able to stay at the shelter tonight.

My son is asd and tbh I thank you for posting on how well your dh has done to manage to find love and marry and have children. It gives me hope for the future for ds.

Totally get your upset, guilt and frustration at not being able to help this woman but it is not your fault and there's nothing you can do about it. Your husband has to come first, it's his home. Did your friend understand? I would second the sleeping in your car or in a tent suggestion if your husband could cope with that?

I can well understand how impossible an autistic adult would find this. I am NT and very sociable/outgoing 75% of the time - but I hate having people to stay. The only exception is my sister and even that's limited to a few days. With everyone else I feel panicky, on the edge of tears and unable to relax (almost like they're filling up my breathing space - my chest gets tights and I can't get comfortable anywhere). Obviously I suck it up and have people to stay when I need to or when they ask to because I don't have the excuse of being autistic. But if I did you bet I'd use it!! It must be awful to have the feelings I have amplified by a million or so.

DH has already had s bad day at work, I knew that the second he walked in the door. TBH I haven't even told DH it happened - in a few days i'lol bring the idea up as a "What if", but we have been together almost 18 years so I pretty much know it's not a situation he could have coped with.

The call came when I was in the car taking DD3 to an activity. She didn't call from her mobile - she called from a landline which I know she doesn't have (homeless accommodation) do it may have been a pay phone/police station/refuge that she called from. The call only lasted 45 seconds.