My DH's SN have prevented me from helping a woman in need

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

Trying to cut it short - acquaintance I first met 12 years ago, she moved away, lost contact, met her in the street a wee while ago, gave her my number etc....

Her life is a mess. Too much detail would be identifying, but essentially it's a mess, mostly not of her doing....

She phoned tonight when I was dropping my youngest at an activity - she needed a place to stay tonight until she can get to the council offices first thing tomorrow.

I feel so upset as I had to turn her down. My DH is autistic and has social phobia - he simply couldn't have coped if I had brought a stranger home to stay overnight no matter how in need she was.

I had to turn her down - she was in tears and obviously desperate for a place to spend the night. I offered her sleeping bag/air bed etc if she can find somewhere to go but I feel helpless as I couldn't help her.

My DH is supposed to be away with work this week and if he had been away she could have come, but as he is here I honestly had no choice.

I don't have the money to pay for her to have a night in a b&b or anything, and she clearly doesn't have the money either.

It doesn't sound as though there was anything you could have done then OP, apart from maybe stop at a cash point or send some money to her bank account/Paypal.

But if that was impossible too, I can't think of anything else you could have done differently.

I'm going to get flamed I'm sure.. but I'm not sure I would have put her up for the night. OP you say an acquaintance, so clearly not someone you were very very good friends with. You haven't seen for 12 years and she happens to get into trouble the day you bump into each other? I would be cautious I don't end up with a permanent lodger.. you don't really know her by the sounds of things. Unless there was a kid involved I would probably decline and send her to a youth hostel for the night

Some of the posts on this thread are awful.

BathshebaKnickerStickers. Please don't feel bad. You would have helped out if you could, and it's lovely that you wanted to. You just weren't in a position to do so.

My DP has autism, and he can't empathise. He is a wonderful kind person who would do anything he could to help anyone who needs it, but he just cannot empathise. He doesn't have social anxiety however, so would probably be okay with me bringing someone to stay unexpectedly. I however, do have social anxiety (though not autism) and I really wouldn't cope with such a scenario. I can't even cope with family and friends calling in unexpectedly.

And for those who can't understand how someone with autism / social anxiety could hold down a job, etc. In my case it's all about being prepared. I've worked in customer facing roles (including pubs when I was younger), and always been excellent with customers. I've managed fine because I could prepare to go in to work. I did however need my lunch break to be total quiet time, I'd take myself off somewhere quiet and just read. I've travelled for work, again not a problem because I could prepare myself. I do tend to prefer big, anonymous hotels. I have never and will never stay in a B&B for eg, as there's just too much interaction required. I can cope marvellously in social situations, as long as I'm expecting them and can prepare for them. Unexpected social situations are a nightmare.

Hopefully this will help those of you who questioned how Bathsheba's husband could have a job and a family but not cope with a stranger unexpectedly staying in his house (mine is very much my safe place) understand a bit better.

Apologies for the essay. for you Bathsheba.

Well this has been a depressing read, I have Austrian and like your husband wouldn't of been able to cope in this situation either, this doesn't make me or your husband terrible people . You can have a job, family as a person with autism and still be unable to cope with strangers in your "safe space" as its unexpected, unplanned and in your space.

Ds1 has AS. He empathises too much which then turns into anxiety. I wish people wouldn't peddle the myth (one of many in regards to ASD) that people with ASD can't feel empathy.

What's that saying? 'When you've met person with Autism, you've met one person with Autism.'

I don't think there was anything else you could have done OP. I'm not gong to comment on the deleted posts, I can only assume it was disablist shite. Par for the course around here just lately.

Unless there was a kid involved I would probably decline and send her to a youth hostel for the night

Whilst I don't disagree with the rest of your post, you cant just 'send someone to a youth hostel for the night'.

If it were that simple, no-one in the UK would have to spend the night on the streets

I hate how people jump to the conclusion that if people with autism cannot cope with unexpected things happening in there safe space how could the function in getting a wife / husband be a good parent is pretty shocking its boarderline disablist tbh.

I have ASD (yes i know they abolished that term), I cannot cope with people I dont know very very very well in my safe spot (I can have my husband and children etc) but not friends or aquintances etc.

While I can cope in most situations if planned in advance aka jobs/ social interaction but what I cannot cope with is unexpected social situations sprung upon me and I need to plan everything in great detail.

ps sorry for bad spelling using Ipad without spell checker and i have dyselixa.

I would never take a virtual stranger in off the street for the night and i don't have autism. Just a healthy sense of boundaries. You hardly know her and it sounds like your dh didn't know her at all. Why should he be comfortable with that?

I think there's a shed load of trusting people on mumsnet.

Would nobody else be wary about letting a virtual stranger stay in your house, with 3 children living there? What if it was an old male friend, would that change your answer? I understand why you would want to help, but I think your family's safety and comfort should take precedence. It may be a selfish opinion, but it's mine.

You couldn't guarantee it would be one night, could you? Where would she go to tomorrow that she couldn't go to today?

i'd be wary because she was no longer allowed to stay at the homeless shelter, and it was obviously a longer term problem. that would probably be enough for me to say no, regardless of other family concerns. I do wonder if it played a part in ops thinking, but guilt (unnecessary) makes it hard to admit to.

I'd wonder what had happened that they kicked her out from the homeless shelter, from personal experience it has to be pretty bad for them to decide that she cannot stay.

I am flabbergasted by some of the comments on this thread. Some people should be truly ashamed of themselves

As the mother of a young man of 25 who's severely autistic, and who has a few other dx that also affect his mental health, I'm more dismayed by the reaction to some of the posts than the fact the posts were made in the first place.

How are people supposed to learn if those who could inform them and increase their awareness shoot them down in flames instead?

Homeless hostels are not free. Perhaps she didn't have enough money to continue living there?

And WRT to emergency shelters, most of them (in my area anyway) only operate during the coldest months which are December to March.

My local (church run) emergency night shelter had to close last year, due to lack of funding and that was the last one.

Fucking awful considering I live in a London borough with a very high rate of homelessness.

I guess he copes out and about with work... as that is work... and there are a whole heap of different rules/routines/copingmechanisms for hotels that he has worked on over the years.

home has it's own coping mechanisms routines and rules. someone else coming in and disrupting them can be very stressful. and it leaves nowhere to escape to.

kicking him out would not be an option as they cannot afford a b and b.

just as you would not kick out someone with medical needs or physical needs, so you do not kick out a disabled person just because you can not see the disability.

Ohdearme, it's the tone of some of the posts that people are objecting to, and the assumption that the OP's DH was being selfish.
Also the assumptions that it's odd to manage some situations but not others.
Many other posters have managed to get round this by asking nicely and taking on board, some posters have been rather rude.
I'm happy to explain how ASD affects me (obviously I can't speak for everyone), but like any person, I'd rather people didn't make crappy assumptions about ASD when they don't know anything about it, apart from Rainman and Sheldon Cooper.

I'm not attempting to flame you but your husband has what you've described as a good job with international travel, but you cannot afford to lend her a little bit of money to see her through just for the night?

probably the three childrentake care of the spare cash.

or the mortgage.

dd's activities

or childcare for three children. or paying for op to be a sahp

BlackeyedSusan that's fair enough but it also means it wasn't just her DH's SN that prevented her from helping this woman.

It would also be the fact the OP and her DH are skint.

Flame away but I couldn't have turned her away.

My dc has asd but that doesn't mean they are incapable of change. For one night at any rate. Yes it may be challenging but it's better than the alternative for that poor woman.

I too think if someone is married, holding down a job that involves travel then an attempt should have been made to compromise.
.

Nor me Dixie that's why I think the thread title, was probably a poor choice IYSWIM.