My DH's SN have prevented me from helping a woman in need

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

Trying to cut it short - acquaintance I first met 12 years ago, she moved away, lost contact, met her in the street a wee while ago, gave her my number etc....

Her life is a mess. Too much detail would be identifying, but essentially it's a mess, mostly not of her doing....

She phoned tonight when I was dropping my youngest at an activity - she needed a place to stay tonight until she can get to the council offices first thing tomorrow.

I feel so upset as I had to turn her down. My DH is autistic and has social phobia - he simply couldn't have coped if I had brought a stranger home to stay overnight no matter how in need she was.

I had to turn her down - she was in tears and obviously desperate for a place to spend the night. I offered her sleeping bag/air bed etc if she can find somewhere to go but I feel helpless as I couldn't help her.

My DH is supposed to be away with work this week and if he had been away she could have come, but as he is here I honestly had no choice.

I don't have the money to pay for her to have a night in a b&b or anything, and she clearly doesn't have the money either.

"I too am confused at how he can go away with work and stay in strange hotel rooms yet can't cope with you having a friend over?"

I'd imagine having a stranger in his home is more upsetting than simply staying in a hotel room because it's an invasion of his private space.

I'd have snuck her in for the night..... what a huge betrayal of trust.

Could she not have slept in your car?

"As PPs have said it's a little odd to be married, have children, a job and to go away with work, but not be able to handle someone in the house for one night."

No, it's not odd, and previous PPs need to listen to those who understand a little better than them about autism and how it can affect someone.

In case this isn't a GF thread, it's quite possible that home represents his safe space. After all, autistic children manage to leave home to go to school, manage to live with their families, but they're still autistic. Having someone unexpected in the house (actually, having anyone in the house outside of immediate family who already love there) is incredibly stressful, more than I can describe, not the sort of stress that you can suck up in order to not be selfish .

Take the DH out of the picture, how many genuine people would ring an almost stranger and ask to stay the night? Seriously? Only a user or a chancer.

Or someone desperate.

Can't be helped though, it's the DH's home and if he couldn't cope with a stranger then there was nothing the OP could do.

Do pack in the snidey comments about being able to cope with working away from home. People with social communication problems may well be able to cope with something like that because they can prepare themselves fully for it, and it's not sprung on them. It is in no way comparable to having a total stranger suddenly appear in their safe place out of the blue.

Why is it so hard to comprehend how someone with autism may be able to stay in a hotel for work but not deal with strangers at home???

Hotel stays can be planned, last minute guests can't.

A hotel is a place where you expect strangers to be around, overnight in your own home isn't.

Routines are important to many people on the autistic spectrum and an unexpected guest can be very disruptive to this. He may vary his routines when working away but I can tell you from personal experience that this is different.

He may cope on the surface at work and need to chill out at home.

Don't judge an autistic person (who is probably finding life very difficult despite coping on the surface) by neurotypical standards!

Poor woman.

I don't have SN and wouldn't be overchuffed at DH bringing someone he knew 12 years ago - effectively a stranger to both of you - to stop the night unexpectedly...but it would depend on the circumstances which I appreciate op doesn't want to go into here as to whether they stopped or not.

I would expect to be able to say 'no' though, and vice versa if it was me.

because home is his safe space.

going away for the night is an expected change, you can mentally prepare for it.

Having someone intruding in your safe space, where you cannot relax, cannot escape and have to actually try and be sociable, is a completely different experience.

If the dh is going away for work then I'm sure he won't be told last minute and given time to prepare himself for it in ways he can handle that is far different from having someone turn up suddenly at his home.

Autism and social anxiety isn't as black and white as what people seem to think.

I wouldn't have been able to have helped a friend or even a family member in the same situation as my ds2 has difficulties with change to his routine it would have ended up with a night of meltdowns and his ocd in overdrive. It's a hard situation op but you did what you had to for your dh.

I would have had her in the house. Maybe asked her to stay downstairs and spent the night with dh managing his anxiety. Unless you're saying he's going to literally pass out I would be happy to have him upset for the night but know this woman(did I also read child?) Was safe and that he had a sleepless night.

Living with autism means sometimes having to go through difficult times, which is shit but ultimately I think the better situation than this woman out on the streets

I've reported. I've gig no experience of disability in my family and friends but ovr been reading the threads about disablism in MN and Christ now I know what it's about. What an absolute disgrace.

I am autistic. I have travelled, with work, and stayed in hotels. But I cannot deal with unexpected visitors, in fact we have very few visitors to my house full stop.

Social anxiety and autism aren't blanket for everyone in how they manifest, but to be shocked a guy can be married, work, travel for work, yet not cope with unexpected upheaval in his safe place is a disgusting narrow-minded blinkered view of special needs.

"Upset" the DH for the night? Really? Ffs the ignorance around autism is truly shocking.

Roller - and what if he couldn't manage his anxiety? What if it wasn't just a matter of a sleepless night?

Living with autism means sometimes having to go through difficult times, but please understand that a difficult time in neurotypical terms may be downright impossible in ASD terms. You're doing autistic people a massive disservice in assuming that the DH is simply being selfish and could put up with this, when this is something that could affect him for far longer than one night.

If I was in this situation, and DH wanted to bring someone home, I would be beside myself. I'd rather DH paid for the person to spen a night in a travelodge.

The unexpected is what's often difficult to deal with for people with autism. Coping mechanisms can be used to deal with anxiety inducing events but these take time. There is also often a big difference between going out yourself and allowing someone else into your safe space.

The OP is not a troll and I suspect posted in the hope of finding a little reassurance because she feels awful that she cannot help a woman in need.

Bathsheba You could not have done anything else. Please don't feel guilty about this, you have to put your family first.

I am flabbergasted by some of the comments on this thread. Some people should be truly ashamed of themselves.

Slottedspoon, obviously I'm not the OPs husband,but if I had an overnight guest even planned, I get anxious and panic attacks and have to really work through it. Put an unexpected guest of my partners (not even mine) and I would start to physically scratch and pick at my skin, and have palpitations. The sheer thought of it now is making my heart race.

And I can plan hotel stays. I cannot share with anyone other than my partner or children however - group weekends I pay for my own room - simply as living with sociL anxiety is exhausting.

I'm never sure what people think autistic children do on their 18th birthdays. Become adults and 'heal' the autism?

Of course not. Hopefully many will have learned to manage their autism, but to what extent is as individual as fingerprints.

Autistic children = autistic adults. Or should we throw them away on some anti-social pile as they're not allowed jobs, houses, spouses or lives? Make them live in isolation so their needs don't impact on us normal-trenders?

The OP did the right thing. Looking after your immediate family comes first. Her DH's need for his space in his space comes first. It's unfortunate for the friend but not the OP's problem.

I know relatively little about autism but I know enough to know that some people are talking absolute bollocks on this thread. Why on earth should she kick her DH out of his own house? He wouldn't have a tantrum like a toddler. Pure ignorance!

That poor woman. Fair enough that she was a complete stranger. What would you do if it was a family member or a very close friend of yours that needed help suddenly. Would you really turn them away? Life must be so miserable living like this. How does he cope when your children might bring home people unexpectedly?

And as for the working away from home thing. You want high-functioning autism central? Go look at some of the techs in the military... and they go away lots (but have LOTS of rules and social structures for them to live within)