My DH's SN have prevented me from helping a woman in need

[BathshebaKnickerStickers]

Trying to cut it short - acquaintance I first met 12 years ago, she moved away, lost contact, met her in the street a wee while ago, gave her my number etc....

Her life is a mess. Too much detail would be identifying, but essentially it's a mess, mostly not of her doing....

She phoned tonight when I was dropping my youngest at an activity - she needed a place to stay tonight until she can get to the council offices first thing tomorrow.

I feel so upset as I had to turn her down. My DH is autistic and has social phobia - he simply couldn't have coped if I had brought a stranger home to stay overnight no matter how in need she was.

I had to turn her down - she was in tears and obviously desperate for a place to spend the night. I offered her sleeping bag/air bed etc if she can find somewhere to go but I feel helpless as I couldn't help her.

My DH is supposed to be away with work this week and if he had been away she could have come, but as he is here I honestly had no choice.

I don't have the money to pay for her to have a night in a b&b or anything, and she clearly doesn't have the money either.

I'm really interested in this, I don't know any autistic adults. When people say the autistic adult can't cope with a change to routine such as this, would form does that take? A panic attack? Getting angry? Crying? I can only picture a child having a meltdown and assume that's not what adults do?

Also, how would he cope in an emergency? Is it not really draining to know you would always have to take charge?

If Bathsheba is a troll she is playing the very, very, very, very long game.

OP, I wouldn't have helped either. My DH would really hate it ad would feel more than uncomfortable.

I would also be concerned bout getting too dragged into her problems and ending up having her stay ages and having to bail her out. I'd give her advice and help her find a hostel or something. I think it's great that other posters would put her up but I wouldn't.

Pop I realise that. I just wonder how people who have social anxiety and/or autism to the sort of degree that makes everyday social interaction very difficult and stressful manage to find partners and get married and hold down jobs to be honest. I accept that they often do, even if it doesn't make sense to me, but why are we hearing about it from the OP now? What does she want us to say, exactly?

Once there was a woman whose DH hated having visitors (reasons irrelevant, as clearly lots of people hate visitors and they are not autistic.) She wanted to be able to invite her friend to stay but couldn't because see above. The end.

What is the correct response to the OP, because I genuinely have no idea.

Flame me if you like, but this was my first reaction too. He's married with a family and a job which involves having to change his routine at short notice and stay away from home - how much of a challenge would this have been for him - really? Could he not have just stayed in the bedroom and watched TV is he couldn't cope with socialising? confused

I'm not going to flame you, but I find it bizarre that you clearly don't understand ASD, but you're very keen to judge using your standards, so I'll try to explain it to you.
Knowing someone else is in the house causes me intense anxiety (I am autistic btw). If it's planned I can handle it, if it's unplanned (dd bringing a friend home unexpectedly) I can't breathe, I can't hear properly, I have to hold it all in and "act normal" even if I'm not going to see that person, I can hear them chatting (adds to the overload), I might bump into them if I need to go to the loo, or go and get a drink, or cook tea, what am I supposed to say? How much eye contact should I be giving? If they say something to me, how should I respond? When I go out, as in shopping, work, visiting etc, I'm prepared for this, it's all mapped out in my head as much as possible. Staying in a bedroom doesn't cut it, there is still someone in your house, your safe space where you don't have to have everything planned out in advance.

If he just doesn't want some strange woman on his sofa then that's fair enough. My DH wouldn't be keen either and he's not autistic. I frequently take myself off to my room and 'lay low' if my DH or DC tell me that friends are coming over for inpromptu visits midweek and I really can't be bothered to chat. I am not autistic either. confused

So you're not autistic, but you still feel uncomfortable sometimes? So could you imagine that feeling in such an intensity that you can barely function because it's unexpected? That feeling is beyond uncomfortable. Beyond not really being up to socialising. Light years beyond your neurotypical need to lay low sometimes.

Honestly, I despair, there are loads of us on MN who are autistic, if any of you are at all unsure, instead of being disablist prays spouting off about something you know f all about, ask us. It's not difficult.

There are some fantastic examples of pure arseholery on this thread.

Posters have tried to explain some of the difficulties the op's husband may face, they have tried to 'educate', but still people would prefer to wonder at just how 'upsert' he would be, and be faux surprised at how he copes with holding down a job or travelling.

I don't know what is worse, the wilful ignorance of the or the op setting her dh up for target practice.

Panic attacks, depression, anxiety, anger. I've seen adult meltdowns and really scary moments where they seem to go blank and not respond to stimulus for a long, long while. Literally shutting down because of over-stimulation.

It can manifest as just about anything emotionally negative.

My ds has autism.

He finds going away difficult but planned things are easier to deal with as preparation time.

He can get stressed when his friends call at the house wanting him to go out when he's doing something else. He can be quite rude to them.

I'm not sure it's any easier for him than it is for others. Imagine how scary a world is if you have to control it so much just to feel safe.

Does it work both ways pig?

If say the op managed to borrow some money and she stayed away fir the night somewhere else with said friend?

Would that work better or would it still be a big source of anxiety?

Matching,

For me, first it would be anxiety.. anxious there is this person in my house.. i'd feel awkward, stressed, unable to relax.

It might mean i couldn't sit still.. i'd want to go and hide in my bedroom, but i know thats impolite, so i'd feel forced to stay in the room until it was an acceptable time to go to bed, nervous chatter. Then i'd feel scared to come back into my living room.

It might manifest as tears, irritation.. snappish, short, snippy...etc.. i'd have a physical anxiety reaction. Palpitations, churning stomach, sweating palms.. might even feel breathless and hot, possibly trigger my asthma.

You know that feeling when you're going down stairs and you suddenly miss a step? Its like that, only it doesn't last a moment, it lasts all night.. so no sleep, no breakfast.. and then when they leave, it would take me ages to calm down again.

Its only with strangers, i have 'safe' people, like my mom, my brother, my bff.. they're fine, anyone else sets me off, i can't have them in my house without prior arrangement.

That's not meant to be a goady question BTW.

So could you imagine that feeling in such an intensity that you can barely function because it's unexpected? That feeling is beyond uncomfortable. Beyond not really being up to socialising. Light years beyond your neurotypical need to lay low sometimes.

I accept that this is how you say it is for you. I am mystified how you reach a stage where you can clearly function as a parent and a wife, and on a professional level and yet cannot cope with the above scenario.

Again, I accept that it is as you say it is. I just will never understand it.

Slotted, we often do jobs with routines. It's not just a stereotype to see autism in adults in computing or teaching. We can marry and have relationships, but our partners are incredibly understanding. DP for instance always makes sure I have itineraries for time away, down to exact times we leave, travel, arrive etc. He knows how to talk to me to help me. He knows my ticks. If I'm anxious I pick, or squeeze my hands repetitively. I have spent 20 years working on my aspergers. I know how to handle social situations, and as I've got older I've realised it's ok to excuse yourself sometimes. I don't go to concerts, as much as I love music, as I can't do crowds. My children know I need my routine. But they are wonderful too. I have very few meltdowns now, but the anxiety bubbles away where people often can't see.

Meet me in the street, you wouldn't know. Meet me at work, you may get an idea after a while. Live in my house and you'd know.

Sorry - I was collecting my older daughter from her activity..,..

Just to answer a few questions - yes, we are happily married, 3 children, he has a very good job that involves international travel, and yes, he has autism and social anxiety.

He would have been greatly distressed if I had brought her home, so I had to balance the woman's needs over my husband and family. She doesn't have family here as she is Australian. When I bumped into her a few weeks ago she was in a homeless hostel.

I do feel guilty that I couldn't help her. I guess I was reminded of all those Facebook statuses that say something like "I arrive at your door at 2am, do you let me in - are you my friend..?". My natural thing would be always to say yes - I was brought us with the Christian ideal of "doing it for the least of them...".

I'm frustrated I couldn't offer help to her.

Oh, my children have friends over when DH is at work.....

Poor woman.

But it's not like DH chooses to feel the way he does.

Could she have a sleep in your car or in a tent outside, how would DH feel with that?

Every autistic person is individual so to those saying they know X person who can or cannot cope, it's purely anecdotal.

You wouldn't tell someone every depressed person behaves and feels the same.

Hope the woman finds somewhere tonight.

Maddy hatter, I describe the feeling as those bubbles in your arm when you have a near miss in the car. The heart race. And shakes. Constantly.

Thanks so much for explaining, I really appreciate it

This is bonkers. I have zero experience of autism but I can absolutely understand that the OP made the right, and only choice, she could have made.
It makes me sad that there are people out there who not only lack empathy, but also the ability to just listen to the more knowledgeable posters on this thread. Its as if they're being stupid on purpose.

We cope with our jobs because we build a framework of 'routine' going to work the same way, walking around the same route, same uniform.. rituals.

I used to work checkouts.. it was fine to put on the mask, to smile, to chatter at people, because it was only 3-5 minutes and they were gone.. no expectation of me, no in depth interaction.

Break times would be spent on my own talking to no-one, then back to being 'social' but even a 5hr shift used to be hard. Its mentally exhausting, because its not natural, you're putting on a 'show' of normal.

Slotted, you cope in every day life on the outside because you teach yourself how. But you follow routines. And no one sees you collapse at home. When you turn everything off and cry because you've socialised twice in a weekend with groups of people you don't know wonderfully well. People see me as worker 8 hours a day, as a parents a few more. But they don't see me at home. They don't see the me that comes home at 6pm and goes out again at 8am. And the 14 hours inbetween.

SlottedSpoon, this isn't an attack at all, but you're telling me that you cannot empathise at all? That there is nothing within you that allows you to imagine how someone might feel?

Now I've been a nurse for years so my empathy is fairly high-tuned.. but your thought process seem unbelievable to ME. I have to wonder how your brain works and if there's a trait or two there of some kind.

I accept that it is as you say it is. I just will never understand it (except I can imagine that mindset)

did you ask your dh? would he have suggested alternatives such as another place she could stay, or that he could go elsewhere overnight (eg family or friends nearby), or paying for a b and b? I suppose her problems are obviously longer term if she has been in a hostel for a few weeks, so a night on the sofa at yours wouldnt have helped much anyway :(

My DH can't empathise.

Those of you who know the spoon theory, it also works with ASD and socialising :) We have a certain number of social spoons, the days we have less, we tend to hibernate.

When people say the autistic adult can't cope with a change to routine such as this, would form does that take? A panic attack? Getting angry? Crying?

Any or all of those things. Sometimes destruction of things. Sometimes an irrational need to, say, get rid of everything even vaguely connected to the source of the disruption. Sometimes an internalised reaction such as not eating for days or more obvious self harm. Maybe a complete shutdown because dealing with the disruption is extremely exhausting. All much the same as the reactions of older children with autism and no one reaction is typical of all autistic adults.