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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if I knock these lifts on the head?

200 replies

GetOutMyCar · 24/10/2016 15:20

I started a course in September which is a 45 minute drive away from where I live. There are no direct transport links so it takes around 1-2 hours on public transport. There's a woman who lives near me who also goes and pretty much since we started I've been giving her a lift home.

Last week her DD moved to a nursery near the college so now I take a slight detour to pick her up on the way home. This wouldn't be a problem except she panders to her DD's hatred of the carseat and it's driving me up the bloody wall.

Every single time she goes to get in the front seat with her DD on her lap. Every time I tell her that no, that she has to be in the carseat. Her DD then screams her head off for the entire journey. Mum takes off her own seatbelt and kneels on the passenger seat to try and entertain her, to no avail. Today she was somewhat insistent that her DD sit in the front with her. I insisted she went in the seat. So mum sat in the back 'to keep her quiet'. 5 minutes after joining the motorway it all goes quiet in the back. She's only gone and taken her DD out of the seat and put her on her lap.

I'm bloody livid. AIBU to knock the lifts on the head even though it's going to leave her in a right mess?

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 26/10/2016 22:14

You've got the law on your side OP (plus it is likely your insurance would be invalidated in the event of any accident if the passengers were unrestrained)

  • write down what you need to say
  • keep it short and to the point
  • practice in the mirror until you are word perfect
  • don't let her interrupt
  • just keep repeating what you have prepared to say
  • be firm and brook no attempt to change your mind

Remember you owe this woman nothing, you are not obliged to help her or give her lifts, no is a perfectly reasonable and acceptable thing to say to any and all requests.

Good luck.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 26/10/2016 22:16

Not that it matters (her problem) but what is her alternative? What will she have done for the last few days while you've not been in?

FetchezLaVache · 26/10/2016 22:17

I like this suggestion from upthread:

I think you need to text your friend and say that although you have really enjoyed her company on those journeys it is illegal and dangerous for her daughter to be unrestrained, so until she is more comfortable in a car seat it would be better for them to use public transport.

Please don't be made to feel guilty. Apart from putting you all at considerable risk, she's also a net taker - clearly on the lookout for someone to latch onto for lifts, and she's also moved her daughter to a different nursery purely on the strength of your kindness! Did she even check with you first that it would be OK for you to make a detour to pick her DD up?

Stormwhale · 26/10/2016 22:29

Op: Hiya, I won't be able to give you a lift home anymore, you will have to find another way to get home.

Batshit: oh but what about me and my problems and shit.

Op: it isn't working for me anymore, hope you sort something out.

Batshit: but, but, me and my problems!

Op: aw, that's awful. See you later.

Job done.

needasmartnn · 26/10/2016 22:34

She's a piss taker who clearly has no regard for the safety of her child. DO NOT ALLOW THIS WOMAN IN YOUR CAR AGAIN OP - people like this will leech off anyone who lets them

MoonfaceAndSilky · 26/10/2016 22:44

I'd just tell her I've moved and I now live in the opposite direction but then I'm a wimp Grin

emotionsecho · 26/10/2016 23:34

I see you can't text her.

If you think you are going to struggle would it help to write down what you want to say and give it to her?

Alternatively is there anyone else on the course you could speak to who could lend you some moral support?

Although I'm sure you can do this OP, you are strong enough, keep calm and focused.

SillyMoomin · 27/10/2016 08:34

Agree with pp, don't let her guilt trip you into giving her "one last lift" because how was she to know you wouldn't be able to today??

Nice and firm (but vague) "sorry, my plans have changed"

Keep repeating no matter what she says

Lunar1 · 27/10/2016 08:41

When will you see her again? Will it be at the same time you would be giving her a lift?

DartmoorDoughnut · 27/10/2016 08:53

Hope telling her goes ok Flowers

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown · 27/10/2016 09:34

No need to mention AS, no need for weak excuses like errands (or moving house??? Wtf?) as she could try to find a way round them.
She does need told about her stupidity. You can just say that her behaviour is dangerous and putting all your lives at risk so you can't do it anymore.
Yes I also remember advert about unrestrained passenger killing the driver in a crash if she's not a driver (presumably) she needs this pointing out.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 27/10/2016 09:45

I don't think you should be vague or make excuses, she needs to be told she's putting her child's life at risk else she will continue doing it. Which she may well keep doing but because she's clearly a twat.

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 27/10/2016 09:51

Just say you are no longer able to give her lifts. No explanation required.

midsummabreak · 27/10/2016 10:01

So many young children were killed before seatbelts were mandatory

That's why it is the law

midsummabreak · 27/10/2016 10:03

And adults

You are right to be not taking no for an answer

OzzieFem · 27/10/2016 13:58

If OP was caught with an unrestrained adult and child under 7 yrs in WA she would be looking at fine of $A1150.00 plus 8 demerit points. You lose your licence at 12 demerit points.

CotswoldStrife · 28/10/2016 13:46

How are you doing OP, have you spoken to her yet or left a note? I realise that she can get herself to college and her daughter to nursery because you said you only give her a lift home, but I honestly think you'd feel better if you could tackle it before you see her in college/wherever you do the course.

It may not be the big problem you are building it up to be in your head (as I said, she can obviously get there at the start of the day) so get it over and done with ASAP so you can stop worrying about it!

wizzler · 30/10/2016 18:13

Just wondering if tomorrow is the day you plan to speak to her,OP?

HaveNoSocks · 30/10/2016 18:27

YANBU. I'm in a similar position to this woman in that I don't drive in an area where it's sometimes a hassle to go by public transport. If people are kind enough to give me a lift (and you really are going above and beyond stopping off to pick up her DD - I don't think I'd feel comfortable accepting that kind offer unless it was a close friend) no way would I act like her. I don't even feel comfortable doing it in a taxi.

kali110 · 30/10/2016 19:04

How did it go op?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 01/11/2016 13:10

Have you been back on the course to see this woman again OP? How did the chat go?

Halloweensnake · 01/11/2016 13:13

I find it bizarre you need to even ask what to do....really it's not obvious???stop the lifts...you will be the one in trouble in a car crash,as you are the driver

WatchingFromTheWings · 01/11/2016 15:55

I'd put a note through her door (first class post if needs be) saying you can no longer give her lifts due to the car seat situation, you can't afford to be fined if you're stopped or reported. Nor would you be able to live with yourself if there was an accident and the child went through the windscreen. She's got some nerve thinking it's ok in the first place!

CalmItKermitt · 01/11/2016 16:10

The woman is thick and cheeky. Tell her to get on her bike 😄

LeftRightUpDown · 01/11/2016 20:48

halloweensnake the OP as Aspergers so it is more difficult for her to read social situations and behave accordingly

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