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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

if I knock these lifts on the head?

200 replies

GetOutMyCar · 24/10/2016 15:20

I started a course in September which is a 45 minute drive away from where I live. There are no direct transport links so it takes around 1-2 hours on public transport. There's a woman who lives near me who also goes and pretty much since we started I've been giving her a lift home.

Last week her DD moved to a nursery near the college so now I take a slight detour to pick her up on the way home. This wouldn't be a problem except she panders to her DD's hatred of the carseat and it's driving me up the bloody wall.

Every single time she goes to get in the front seat with her DD on her lap. Every time I tell her that no, that she has to be in the carseat. Her DD then screams her head off for the entire journey. Mum takes off her own seatbelt and kneels on the passenger seat to try and entertain her, to no avail. Today she was somewhat insistent that her DD sit in the front with her. I insisted she went in the seat. So mum sat in the back 'to keep her quiet'. 5 minutes after joining the motorway it all goes quiet in the back. She's only gone and taken her DD out of the seat and put her on her lap.

I'm bloody livid. AIBU to knock the lifts on the head even though it's going to leave her in a right mess?

OP posts:

zigzagbetty · 26/10/2016 11:10

You could say you have been caught on camera and fined to give the excuse to stop the lifts, I hate awkward situations like that. Definitely can't continue with giving lifts with no restraints. My mil never wore a seat belt in the back until I met my husband and I pointed out to him that she would probably kill us first in a crash. (I seem to remember an advert from my childhood about that that must have stuck as it's one of my bugbears!)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 26/10/2016 11:27

Don't lie, OP, it would make you sound weak - and you're not. Just say, "I'm not taking you home anymore, it doesn't work for me now". You can add in about the seatbelt and her daughter's carrying on, but that is the crux, she needs to make her own arrangements now.

I saw that advert too, Zigzagbetty, frightening. I don't wear a seatbelt when I'm alone (exempt) but I will wear one if I'm in someone else's car just because I don't want to kill them in an accident.

AyeAmarok · 26/10/2016 11:37

I'd text:

"Hi [Batshit Woman],

I can't give you and your DD a lift home anymore. I have AS and I can't concentrate on driving with the screaming, and I can't have a child in the car with me that's not in a car seat; it's not safe, it's against the law and it's me that will be responsible and end up in court if something happens. And it makes me too nervous driving.

You'll need to make other arrangements."

WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/10/2016 11:45

I'd go a little bit more concise to what AyeAmarok has suggested

"Hi [Batshit Woman],

I can't give you and your DD a lift home anymore. You'll need to make other arrangements."

expatinscotland · 26/10/2016 12:45

Keep it simple! NO justifications, NO apologies, NO offers of second chances or alternatives. This woman's behaviour could kill you and that child. You owe someone who does this nothing. What Lyin wrote. Text her that. Then you practice saying it in the mirror so when she confronts you, you say that. You say, 'NO, I can no longer give you lifts home. You need to make other arrangements,' always remembering that this woman's behaviour could kill you, the child, cost you hundreds of pounds, you could even wind up in jail. And she wouldn't lift a finger for you. Put you and your family first.

Can you tell a friend who will back you up? Because this gal is a bolshy user.

TirednessIsComing · 26/10/2016 17:47

Yeah ameroks message but the concise one is better. You don't need to explain at all. You should text sooner or later so she knows.

TirednessIsComing · 26/10/2016 17:48

Than later even. Putting it off just prolongs your angsting.

wtffgs · 26/10/2016 17:52

YANBU - stupid cow (her obviously) and what a little peach she is bringing up.

You could be fined, get points or go to prison if the worst happened. Don't let them anywhere near your car ever again!

for the horror of enduring it for too long.

charlestonchaplin · 26/10/2016 17:56

If the only issue is the lack of seatbelt I would give her one last chance. It's nice to be nice, especially when it doesn't cost much. But of course you must do what's right for you.

Original poster

GetOutMyCar · 26/10/2016 18:37

I can't send any text message as I don't have any contact details. I'll have to say it face to face next time I see her

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 26/10/2016 18:46

It will be fine- just remember, you're the one in the right

MrEBear · 26/10/2016 19:04

Oh no 😞 I would struggle to say NO too and I don't have ASD.

Practice saying it in a mirror "(Batshit) sorry I'm stopping giving you a lift. I'm finding it too restrictive as I like to do errands / visit my mum on my route home"

Don't feel guilty she was clearly on the lookout for someone to treat as a mug. I can't get over someone being so daft as to allow their child to be unrestrained in a car. I can almost get grandparents of the "we never had car seats" generation but for someone under the age of 50 thinking its acceptable is just plain stupid..

VforVienetta · 26/10/2016 19:12

I know it's harder face to face, but please don't let that put you off ending the arrangement. It really is unbearable behaviour, and you don't have to put up with it.

Are you going to give her one last lift? In which case when you drop her home you can say "I'm sorry but from tomorrow/next week (whatever you decide) I won't be able to give you lifts anymore. See you at college."

Or if you really don't want her to step foot in your car ever again, perhaps "I'm sorry, I can't give you a lift home anymore, you'll need to make other arrangements from today."

If she pushes you for a reason or tries to persuade you, just say "I can't concentrate with you and your daughter in the car, as you don't behave safely."

2kids2dogsnosense · 26/10/2016 19:14

cost you hundreds of pounds

Maybe thousands if the kid or mother got hurt and the mother sued the arse off OP.

CotswoldStrife · 26/10/2016 19:17

If you can't text her but you know where she lives, go round and tell her face to face - stressful, but she won't be in your car again. It isn't helping to miss your own course because of this (and I hope the cold goes away like the woman too!).

expatinscotland · 26/10/2016 20:49

Practise in the mirror! I can't do this anymore. You need to make other arrangements. And repeat it, over and over and over. Remember, her behaviour can kill you and/or the child, cost you your livelihood and home if you have an accident and she and the child are hurt or worse in an accident and she sues, even land you in court or in jail/criminal record. You owe her nothing.

JosephineMaynard · 26/10/2016 21:01

Seconding suggestions to practice in the mirror. It's tougher face to face, but it'll be easier if you've practiced what you're going to say and keep in mind why this isn't working for you anymore.

Be prepared for her to protest about how is she going to get home (not your problem, she must have had a plan to get home before she met you), or protest that the child in car seat issue is not a big deal (it is, for the many reasons mentioned before). Be prepared to hold firm if she protests about no more lifts for whatever reason.

TheClacksAreDown · 26/10/2016 21:03

Sounds like you barely know this woman. You don't even have a telephone number for her! She has been rude pushing herself on you for lifts and her behaviour is outrageous.

I would absolutely not apologise. As a race apologies are built into out language e.g. "I'm so sorry, you appear to be standing on my foot", but in this case she will see it as weakness.

No apologising
No explaining
No skipping college
No backing down or agreeing to "just until"

elodie2000 · 26/10/2016 21:50

You face to face: 'Hi batshit, I'm so sorry, I won't be able to offer you a lift home in future, my plans have changed. I really hope you find another mug solution soon.'
Her: 'Oh no, why? I don't know how I'll get my DD from nursery...'
You: 'My plans have changed (nice and vague, broken record) I'm really sorry I can't help with your new arrangements'.
Don't make excuses. If she presses you for reasons just say that you don't want to go into it.

carmenta · 26/10/2016 21:59

I find it's easier to deal with this kind of direct confrontation when I describe my own feelings and therefore get a bit upset.

Tell her exactly how you felt when you saw her small child sitting unrestrained on her lap while in a car travelling at speed down a motorway. Tell her you can't cope with that and therefore she will need to find alternative transport. That way it's not at all judgemental, it's simply a statement of how you feel and how you intend to deal with it.

expatinscotland · 26/10/2016 22:02

'Batshit, I'm sick of you putting our lives at risk. So no more lifts. Off you get to fuck.'

Andylion · 26/10/2016 22:05

Don't make excuses. If she presses you for reasons just say that you don't want to go into it.

But she needs to be told that what she is doing is dangerous.

Soubriquet · 26/10/2016 22:07

Course she needs to be told

She can't go round thinking it's ok to put her daughter in danger and that a driver should suffer the consquences

kali110 · 26/10/2016 22:10

I'd practise a bit of what aye put.
I struggle speaking to people.
Yanbu in any way. She is using you.
This woman is being ridiculous and is putting her child at risk.
How selfish.

healthyheart · 26/10/2016 22:11

Write her a note and put it through her door?

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