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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if I knock these lifts on the head?

200 replies

GetOutMyCar · 24/10/2016 15:20

I started a course in September which is a 45 minute drive away from where I live. There are no direct transport links so it takes around 1-2 hours on public transport. There's a woman who lives near me who also goes and pretty much since we started I've been giving her a lift home.

Last week her DD moved to a nursery near the college so now I take a slight detour to pick her up on the way home. This wouldn't be a problem except she panders to her DD's hatred of the carseat and it's driving me up the bloody wall.

Every single time she goes to get in the front seat with her DD on her lap. Every time I tell her that no, that she has to be in the carseat. Her DD then screams her head off for the entire journey. Mum takes off her own seatbelt and kneels on the passenger seat to try and entertain her, to no avail. Today she was somewhat insistent that her DD sit in the front with her. I insisted she went in the seat. So mum sat in the back 'to keep her quiet'. 5 minutes after joining the motorway it all goes quiet in the back. She's only gone and taken her DD out of the seat and put her on her lap.

I'm bloody livid. AIBU to knock the lifts on the head even though it's going to leave her in a right mess?

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 24/10/2016 16:31

I'd send that text and stop all lifts. It's not worth the risk.

blaeberry · 24/10/2016 16:43

I wouldn't get into a discussion with her - she already knows your position on car seats. Just text her to say that you won't be giving her lifts anymore.

YelloDraw · 24/10/2016 16:46

Good text from ConvincingLiar - send that and be done with the stupid cow

SillyMoomin · 24/10/2016 16:47

Hell to the no!! Second pp about giselaw's text: send it and done.

ArcheryAnnie · 24/10/2016 16:48

You are absolutely right not to give this twit lifts any more. She's endangering herself, her child and you.

If you don't want drama, then I think ConvincingLiar's text is possibly the way to go.

Good luck - and peaceful, drama-free driving without them in the car!

ArcheryAnnie · 24/10/2016 16:49

Oh, and I wouldn't get drawn into any discussion about it with her at all - just keep on repeating that MN favourite, "that doesn't work for me".

CotswoldStrife · 24/10/2016 16:49

Definitely NBU, a short text to say that you are no longer able to give her a lift is all that is required.

expatinscotland · 24/10/2016 16:52

'I don't understand why no one has face to face e conversations any more.'

The OP has AS. It can be difficult for people with AS to do face to face and at any rate, she owes this pisstaking cow FA! This woman has repeatedly ripped the piss out of the OP, shown her FA respect and put her (the OPs) and the child's life at risk again and again. The OP doesn't have to justify herself to this disrespectful git, or give her legislation or extend even more chances to her after she's disrespected the OP over and over again. Every time the OP allows this woman in her car, she, the OP is at risk due to this woman's actions.

Text her and end it. You gave her enough chances, she's risking your lives. Fuck that.

I don't have AS and I wouldn't bother myself sitting down for a chat with someone who is such a total bitch.

KoalaDownUnder · 24/10/2016 16:55

Nope.

I verge on being a pushover, but even I would be so done with this.

EverySongbirdSays · 24/10/2016 16:57

Text her so there's no first to face hostility :

Hi X, I'm really sorry but I won't be able to give you lifts anymore unless DD uses her car seat and stays in it. It's unfair of you to ask otherwise, as you asking me to break the law. I am still happy to give you lifts as long as you promise this won't be an issue again.

And if she then does it again. End.

gillybeanz · 24/10/2016 16:58

YANBU and can't allow this.
Sometimes especially close to xmas and Policemans ball Grin etc fines are issued for this and you can get points on your license.
Plus if anything happened you'd be liable as the driver.

Maraschinocherry · 24/10/2016 17:00

YANBU YANBU YA not BU
and I would send her the text too.

The mother already looked bad when you wrote "Mum takes off her own seatbelt and kneels on the passenger seat to try and entertain her, to no avail. " When given a lift by someone, she should be respectful enough to sit at the back to try to calm her child down! (obviously not removing them from the car seat).

Send the text OP, and if it's not outing you too much, let us know how that went. It's not only about a fine, you would never forgive yourself if you were caught in an accident and the kid suffered horrendous injuries by being ejected from the car. You are doing well.

blaeberry · 24/10/2016 17:00

Even if the other woman fetched her child promptly, clipped her into the car seat immediately and then the child fell asleep while the mum provided interesting conversation there is still no obligation on the OP to offer the lift at all. And no need for a reason to stop (although in those circumstances I would try to give a little notice).

Bailey101 · 24/10/2016 17:02

I had a crash last year, and a bottle of water got flung off the parcel shelf and exploded all over the centre console. I can't even imagine what would have happened if that had been a child!

It scared me enough that nothing, not even a box of tissues is loose in my car now.

You're absolutely right to tell her no more lifts, and I'd explain in graphic detail exactly what can happen if a child goes through a windscreen!

IceBeing · 24/10/2016 17:04

YANBU at all to refuse to drive when anybody isn't correctly seated and belted in.

YABU to refer to the Mum's behaviour as 'pandering'. The child could be finding the car seat unbearable, hence the agony like shrieking and comforting her is not 'pandering'. The correct solution is for her to get public transport, rather than put her DD through something she obviously finds intolerable.

2kids2dogsnosense · 24/10/2016 17:08

We've abandoned days out when DCs refused to be strapped in. They soon learned that no seatbelt meant no beach or whatever.

I can't understand this stupid woman. It's so DANGEROUS, ffs. If she panders to her DD like this all the time, she is going to have an appalling little brat on her hands (or already has).

No - for everyone's sake you must stop the lifts. Even if your friend thinks you are the world's best driver, and you actually are the world's best driver, there are so many idiots behind the wheel that there could be an accident, her child is unprotected and share you if that baby hits you like an exocet missile. And of course, there are the legalities to be considered - as others have said, it will fall on you if you are stopped for any reason and the child is seen to be unrestrained.

Giratina · 24/10/2016 17:09

The woman is thick as shit. She's had multiple chances. Let her sort out her own transport from now on, not your circus not your monkeys.

limeandsoda93 · 24/10/2016 17:09

My dd cries her little lungs out in the car seat sometimes. It's seriously distressing for me. But probably not as distressing as if she was injured (or worse) because we were in a crash and she was unrestrained. I can't get behind this woman on that one and neither should you OP.

StarlingMurmuration · 24/10/2016 17:10

YANBU.

It boggles my mind when I think about how we used to rattle about loose in the back of my parents' car. I wonder how many more deaths there were because of unrestrained kids in car accidents in the 70s and 80s.

dustarr73 · 24/10/2016 17:11

So from reading your posts op,she can make her way in.She can make her way home.Dont give excuses or reasons.Just say you dont want to do it.

diddl · 24/10/2016 17:14

"I wouldn't get into a discussion with her - she already knows your position on car seats. "

I agree.

And to be fair it's not the Op's position on car seats-as the driver it's her responsibility to only drive when her passengers are strapped in.

PlumsGalore · 24/10/2016 17:23

I would have knocked this on the head when she started expecting a detour to pick up the child from nursery. This alone is adding to your journey every single day in time and fuel. The seatbelt thing is nuts, she is an idiot, do not put yourself and your licence at risk by enabling it.

SpookyMooky · 24/10/2016 17:24

Before you speak to her, OP, be very clear in your mind whether you are prepared to give her one last chance to keep the child buckled in. Phrase it around that.

Bertieboo1 · 24/10/2016 17:24

This is absolutely outrageous! I am speechless!

magoria · 24/10/2016 17:29

If there is a crash and the worst happens you will be the one who will found liable for it.

It could be a lot more than a small fine for a child not in an appropriate seat or a passenger not wearing a seat belt.

The ramifications for you are massive.

Tell her now that she needs to make alternative arrangements so she has time.