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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if I knock these lifts on the head?

200 replies

GetOutMyCar · 24/10/2016 15:20

I started a course in September which is a 45 minute drive away from where I live. There are no direct transport links so it takes around 1-2 hours on public transport. There's a woman who lives near me who also goes and pretty much since we started I've been giving her a lift home.

Last week her DD moved to a nursery near the college so now I take a slight detour to pick her up on the way home. This wouldn't be a problem except she panders to her DD's hatred of the carseat and it's driving me up the bloody wall.

Every single time she goes to get in the front seat with her DD on her lap. Every time I tell her that no, that she has to be in the carseat. Her DD then screams her head off for the entire journey. Mum takes off her own seatbelt and kneels on the passenger seat to try and entertain her, to no avail. Today she was somewhat insistent that her DD sit in the front with her. I insisted she went in the seat. So mum sat in the back 'to keep her quiet'. 5 minutes after joining the motorway it all goes quiet in the back. She's only gone and taken her DD out of the seat and put her on her lap.

I'm bloody livid. AIBU to knock the lifts on the head even though it's going to leave her in a right mess?

OP posts:
WhyRude · 24/10/2016 16:03

Do you even to need to ask? 🤔 Surely you can't have even thought there was the tiniest possibility that yanbu to stop giving lifts?

aintnothinbutagstring · 24/10/2016 16:04

YANBU, so dangerous. My dd used to throw tantrums sometimes in her carseat and sometimes undo it, I would fasten it back up and ignore the crying, to me its something that is non-negotiable.

You're the driver, the responsibility lies with you at the end of the day, if anything did happen.

SheStoodInTheStorm · 24/10/2016 16:04

I'm with comforting!

I thought this was going to be AIBU to stop offering lifts now I have to detour for her DD! (Which would have been YANBU)

But her having her seatbelt off in the front, getting her daughter out in the back... YADDDDNBU

I wouldn't even give her the option to make sure her DD stays in the seat. I would just say your are no longer able to offer lifts.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 24/10/2016 16:05

Putting the safety aspect aside for one just (just because everyone else has it covered), is this woman paying you? I cannot imagine going out of my way to give anyone a lift that often anyway but to encorporate a nursery pick up too?? Not a hope would I do it!!

pictish · 24/10/2016 16:05

I wouldn't entertain this nonsense for a second.

"If we get stopped by the police and xxx is on your lap it's me that's liable and up shit creek. I'm not going to give you a lift any more. It's not worth the risk."

End of.

Kr1stina · 24/10/2016 16:06

You have already told this person that her child must be In the car seat . She has already ignored you by taking the child out the seat . So you can't give her another chance .

BTW how does she get the child plus car seat to nursery in the morning ?

DixieWishbone · 24/10/2016 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MothertotheLordsofmisrule · 24/10/2016 16:07

How you haven't ripped her a new one for endangering her child and your life I don't knowShock

My ex aunt used to do this with her toddler children and every time she had to be told, But would still cut up a 12 year olds food in case she choked. Very odd.

This lady's life would be pretty quiet if her daughter died in an accident.

Original poster
GetOutMyCar · 24/10/2016 16:07

I'm so relieved that you all agree with me. She was so blasé about it that I started to doubt myself (I have AS so can be a bit of a stickler for the rules). I couldn't say anything at the time because my anxiety soared so high that I needed to focus on driving.

To those asking, I think she moved her so she spends less time at nursery, which she hates.

As for the screaming, it is hard to concentrate and drive with it. She not crying as such, it more like full on angry shrieking. I could tune it out if need be, it's the mum's risk taking to pander to it that is more distracting.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 24/10/2016 16:11

NO MORE LIFTS! I'd text her what Giselaw wrote, verbatim. And then memorise that and repeat it to her, over and over. She's putting you all in a very dangerous position. NO second chances. You were going over and above by driving out of your way to pick up her child at nursery. She's a fucking pillock with no respect for FA. Don't put yourself at risk again.

Original poster
GetOutMyCar · 24/10/2016 16:11

BTW how does she get the child plus car seat to nursery in the morning ?

She doesn't. I have a toddler too so have a carseat already fitted. I drop them off then go to pick him up.

OP posts:
furryminkymoo · 24/10/2016 16:12

Say no to the lifts from now on.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/10/2016 16:14

Very unsafe, you are liable if you are caught by the Police. Tell her you cannot give them lifts anymore as it's becoming unsafe for her and you.

FannyFifer · 24/10/2016 16:15

Stop the lifts.

expatinscotland · 24/10/2016 16:15

Oh, dear heavens, Get, she is a fucking pisstaker.

8misskitty8 · 24/10/2016 16:15

Just read your last post. You drop of and pick up the child from nursery ? She really is taking the pee.

Text her now op, no more lifts/drop offs. Be prepared for her trying the guilt trip on you, but keep saying no.

Strikingclock · 24/10/2016 16:18

I don't understand why no one has face to face e conversations any more.

You sound lovely op! Talk to this woman at lunch time at college ( or at the very least ring her up in the evening once her DD is in bed.)

Tell her calmly and politely that you do not feel comfortable any longer giving lifts if the child is not restrained as you are legally responsible. Tell her, if that is a problem, then she will have to find other arrangements.

Back it up with an e-mail containing actual legislation if necessary but talk to the woman first!

If she agrees and then you find she is playing silly buggers in the car again and taking the child out of the car-seat, pull over immediately and refuse to drive any further until she is child is restrained again. I used to do this when my own child screamed in the back, and she soon stopped misbehaving when we were sitting stationary for silent long minutes and she was bored! It might teach the DD a valuable lesson for the future, as clearly her mother isn't doing this!

diddl · 24/10/2016 16:19

I think that you just have to say no.

Seems that you've tried enough & she just won't listen.

Stormtreader · 24/10/2016 16:20

Yep, it stops right away.

And remember, its not your fault that she now has this problem to sort out, it's HER actions that have resulted in this outcome.

tupperwareAARGGH · 24/10/2016 16:20

Jesus no way. I'd have stopped the car and told her she puts her seat belt on and sit properly in the seat when she took hers off in the front, let alone when she did that to her own child. They would have had to get out the car if they'd done that with me.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 24/10/2016 16:23

YANBU. Don't even give her the chance to adhere to the rules. Tell her you can't do it anymore.

MLGs · 24/10/2016 16:25

Definitely knock it on the head.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 24/10/2016 16:26

YANBU! She is forcing you (by removing the child from the carseat after you've set off) to drive, on the motorway of all places, with an unrestrained toddler in your car. She is forcing you to break the law - along with the more important issue of risking her own child's life, as well as yours.

I am extra sensitive to this particular issue I think as, last year, I had a car crash. I was minding my own business waiting at traffic lights when the young man on his phone in the car behind me failed to notice the lights at red or the queuing traffic and ploughed his car into the back of me at speed. Had it not been for her car seat, I dread to think where DD might have ended up. Going head first through the windscreen on to the road I suppose. My point in saying this being, that no matter how confident you are in someone's driving, no matter how safe you consider the route to be, accidents can and do happen.

For the child's sake, it sounds as though she will be safer on public transport. I've heard people say "there were no car seats when we were kids" and "we just sat in the boot to go on holiday". Yes, we did too. But there were less cars on the road back then and, generally, they didn't go quite so fast! (DDad's car certainly didn't Wink). Also, I imagine, the fact that travelling in cars without carseats or seatbelts led to a high number of deaths would be what led to them becoming compulsory now?

Just because we did something in the past and survived, doesn't mean we should still do it.

ConvincingLiar · 24/10/2016 16:27

"Dear X, me giving you a lift to college is clearly not working out as DD hates the car seat so much. Hopefully she'll be happier on public transport. Either way, I'm not going to be able to give you lifts anymore. Best wishes, OP."

I couldn't willingly spend time with someone who wilfully endangered their child in that way.

pepperpot99 · 24/10/2016 16:27

She is a complete liability and putting all of you at risk. You know what to do OP - good luck. Let us know how she responds - she isn't going to like it. Can she not drive herself?