Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

if I knock these lifts on the head?

200 replies

GetOutMyCar · 24/10/2016 15:20

I started a course in September which is a 45 minute drive away from where I live. There are no direct transport links so it takes around 1-2 hours on public transport. There's a woman who lives near me who also goes and pretty much since we started I've been giving her a lift home.

Last week her DD moved to a nursery near the college so now I take a slight detour to pick her up on the way home. This wouldn't be a problem except she panders to her DD's hatred of the carseat and it's driving me up the bloody wall.

Every single time she goes to get in the front seat with her DD on her lap. Every time I tell her that no, that she has to be in the carseat. Her DD then screams her head off for the entire journey. Mum takes off her own seatbelt and kneels on the passenger seat to try and entertain her, to no avail. Today she was somewhat insistent that her DD sit in the front with her. I insisted she went in the seat. So mum sat in the back 'to keep her quiet'. 5 minutes after joining the motorway it all goes quiet in the back. She's only gone and taken her DD out of the seat and put her on her lap.

I'm bloody livid. AIBU to knock the lifts on the head even though it's going to leave her in a right mess?

OP posts:
tiggytape · 24/10/2016 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

S1lentAllTheseYears · 24/10/2016 17:31

Feck that! One thing giving her a lift directly home and not adding to your journey but I wouldn't be wanting to go out of my way via the nursery every day let alone the screaming child and car seat carry on!! You are obviously a kinder person than me!

She chose to sign up for a course two hours away when she has no car. Her problem, I'm afraid.

Arfarfanarf · 24/10/2016 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nogrip · 24/10/2016 17:33

I cant believe some people are telling you to give her a lift as long as she promises to keep the child in her car seat. This means listening to her scream and screech both ways even if she is in her car seat.

fuck that

shes not your problem

WhooooAmI24601 · 24/10/2016 17:33

I wouldn't have a child in my car who refused to sit in an appropriate car seat. If the Mum can't deal with her appropriately she'll have to sort out an alternative because, frankly, you're risking your own safety and wellbeing allowing it to continue.

Liiinoo · 24/10/2016 17:38

I had a mate who was like that with her DD in my car. The mate insisted that there was nothing to be done, that DD always did this in any vehicle. The second time it happened I stopped the car and said directly to the DD (she was about three) 'in my car we don't drive anywhere until everyone is safely strapped in'. We stayed at the roadside for about 30 seconds and then she climbed back into her seat and was never a problem again.

I think you need to text your friend and say that although you have really enjoyed her company on those journeys it is illegal and dangerous for her daughter to be unrestrained, so until she is more comfortable in a car seat it would be better for them to use public transport.

I am sure it will feel hard but better that than killing someone.

LeninaCrowne · 24/10/2016 17:51

This woman has re-arranged her childcare around your convenient lift - but hey that's her lookout.

Just tell her - no I can't drive your DD home, it's not working out.

If you had to break suddenly, and she's unrestrained, due to momentum she'll go flying and that could be the end of her and you if she hits you.

The screaming alone would put me off, but not being strapped in is dangerous.

Featherybum · 24/10/2016 17:54

You are absolutely NBU the woman is unhinged to consider it in the first place and completely unreasonable to go ahead and get her out when you've told her not to. My son cried constantly in his car seat until 8 months old but you suck it up. Not that its your problem anyway. I'd also be reporting her to 101 any time I knew the child was being driven without restraints frankly, what an utter bellend to risk her childs life like that.

RebootYourEngine · 24/10/2016 17:58

yanbu.

My dsis doesnt strap her kids in properly and it annoys me so much. When my ds was a baby we were hit from behind. He was strapped in but he still got a bit of a shake.

expatinscotland · 24/10/2016 18:04

'I cant believe some people are telling you to give her a lift as long as she promises to keep the child in her car seat. This means listening to her scream and screech both ways even if she is in her car seat.'

This. And she's had multiple chances. Stop endangering your life and theirs because of this woman's idiocy.

GeorgeTheThird · 24/10/2016 18:11

Stop taking her. You don't have to.
And I don't think it was remotely unreasonable to describe the woman's pandering to her daughter as pandering.

daisiesinherfootsteps · 24/10/2016 18:15

This has to be the rare example of a thread with an unanimous YANBU.

Do you even need to ask? In many ways I can be a people pleaser/shy of conflict but I just wouldn't drive with an unrestrained child in the car. As in, when I noticed she'd taken her out of seat I would have pulled over, literally on the hard shoulder if necessary, as it is that dangerous.

I once gave a lift to a friend and was shocked at how the child wriggled and messed around in the seat. I am by no means a strict parent but the kids know that sitting properly in a car seat is non-negotiable. I have pulled over and bollocked my DC for leaning out or messing with straps. Rarely though as they just know better now as we have never bent that rule regardless of situation/screaming.

No more lifts. And tell her why. Unsafe for all of you, illegal for you. Appalling position to put you in.

On a side note, since my DD started school I have been really shocked by the number of small primary kids I see being dropped sat in front seat, either on a basic booster or none at all. It's a nice school in a nice area. I think being on here has given me a false impression of society's safety standards. We didn't erf which I now wonder about but shocked when I see kids barely restrained on a daily basis.

Hissy · 24/10/2016 18:39

If there's a crash and the child dies in op car, the legal aspect of it is the least of the matter

I agree with Giselaw text too.

button10 · 24/10/2016 18:40

I completely agree with everyone.

On a side note have you ever heard of a Houdini Stop? It won't shut the child up but will keep the child safely strapped in.

Farmmummy · 24/10/2016 18:40

Wow I have a dd who hates being strapped in and it would never actually have occurred to me to unstrap her and put her unrestrained on my knee front or backseat Confused and she can make a foghorn sound quiet. However I put on my big girl pants and best medieval armour and fight like a bear until she's in, it's called parenting, I certainly wouldn't dream of her on the loose in someone else's car! Also she's a smart wee crater and has learned not to waste her energy foghorning once we set off (she now prefers trying the silent escape but so far we are ahead of her) so if the mum didn't pander to her she would soon pipe down. If I was you op they would be walking

iwantmyoldusernameback · 24/10/2016 19:00

Houdini stops are crap. Ditto those 5 point plus things that are only held in with velcro.

A determined car seat escapee will be able to suss them out in 10 mins, 5 if they are feeling especially determined like my youngest.

Oldraver · 24/10/2016 19:06

How did today go ? hope you told her on her bike...

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown · 24/10/2016 19:11

Just adding to the chorus of Yanbu for all the reasons already stated, I hope this gives you the backing and strength to deal with this OP, good luck, you are in the right, completely and she's a wazzock.

FlabulousChic · 24/10/2016 19:15

You would get fined for that if you were pulled. Id refuse to take her going forwards

TattyCat · 24/10/2016 19:15

and she's a wazzock ooh that takes me back! My DDad used to use that Grin

Off topic, sorry!

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 24/10/2016 19:20

She is unbelievably irresponsible and dangerous. If you were to crash her child would be killed. Yes you need to stop the lifts.

pluck · 24/10/2016 19:23

YADNBU. She has no right to try to make you responsible for endangering her own child!

strawberrypenguin · 24/10/2016 19:28

Joining the yanbu chorus. Either this woman or her child are unrestrained in your car from what you have posted. You are responsible for ensuring that both are wearing their belts at all times. As she won't do this I would stop the lifts immediately. You have been more than kind so far and she is taking the piss

JosephineMaynard · 24/10/2016 19:37

You are responsible for ensuring that both are wearing their belts at all times

Legally, the driver is only responsible for ensuring children in the car (under 14yrs I think) wear seat belts, or are in an appropriate child seat.

Adult passengers are legally required to wear seat belts where they're fitted, but the adult passenger is responsible for ensuring this themselves. The driver isn't responsible for ensuring adult passengers comply with seatbelt laws.

blankmind · 24/10/2016 19:48

YANBU OP!

Lots of other vehicles have dashcams. Van and lorry dashcams sometimes enable them to see into cars because of their higher vantage point. Imagine if a vehicle following you had footage of the inside of your car and your 'friend's' stupid behaviour and gave it to the Police.

You don't need the hassle your "friend" is giving you, just tell her no more lifts.