Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

You're right Navyandwhite

Chewing's post seems like a very sensible idea!

He didn't threaten to take her! He tried to find a solution because you were fixed on not allowing his family to see the baby till it's over a month old.

You have been told this over and over again, but don't seem to want to hear it which would imply that actually you're not 'genuinely interested' at all.

OP personally I would agree to them coming to visit you. YANBU about going there after a month. I wouldn't have been able to do it but then I had a very long labour, csect and a baby who wouldn't sleep. So whether you are feeling fit to travel will depend on these kind of things. However, if you can give them the option to visit the new baby then there's a compromise. If the house is small do they all need to come together at same time? Maybe DH s parents only for first visit? Then DHs siblings another day?

Maybe I'm just knackered and not seeing things clearly. I have a two hr commute to work each way and I'm exhausted. Don't start mat leave for another 2 weeks and not sleeping.

He said he would take his child to visit his family. It's not like he threatened to kidnap her.

You are not over reacting about the swearing. But I do think you are over reacting to the threat.

If dh told me I wasn't visiting my family with the kids, my response would be 'we will go alone then'.

That's not threatening to steal his children.

OP: AIBU?
Majority of responses: Yes you are!
OP: Waaaaaah no I'm not!

I wouldn't be staying anywhere a month after I'd given birth but they could come and visit! I'm trying to imagine when ds has children and my dil saying I couldn't see the baby!!!

And maybe my own experiences are coming in to play - my Dad moved to Spain when I was four and was constantly threatening to take us away.

LET IT GO. No wonder he was so frustrated (not saying he acted as he should) if you are like this about it. Just GET OVER IT and find a solution rather than harping on about something that doesn't need to be harped on about or you will both be miserable.

It's not nice being told fuck off but it's not the end of the world.

I think you really need to consider how you would feel if it was the other way around.

What if your dp said you couldn't go and see your family over Christmas with your dd? Wouldn't you tell him to fuck off?

I think you have probably just hit the nail on the head with your last post. I think that and both of your (completely understandable) anxiety about having a baby is more to blame for all this than anything either of you are doing. Maybe a good day to stay in PJs all day, order pizza and watch films?

OnionKnight - that's not what I've said. I'm genuinely asking otherwise I wouldn't have posted on here...please read my other responses.

Dame they only live 90 minutes away, absolutely no need to stay over.

You could make tentative plans now but under the proviso that until after the birth they are liable to change. As you may be late/in hospital a while/ etc.

Does he often kick off and swear and lie (to suit himself)? You might want to have a think about his behaviour generally. As an aside I think you're setting yourself up for a fall organising him seeing his parents because he can't be bothered. Especially committing to visits every month before baby is even born.

Penultimate post now!

Navyandwhite - your comment has made me well up so I think you're right. Thank you.

I think that firm plans are the problem here.

DS1 was 2 weeks late, I had an EMCS, and he had trouble feeding. An hour and a half car journey would have been really hard for all of us, and I wouldn't have been up for it (and obviously being BF, DP couldn't have just taken DS)

DS2 was also late, I'd had another EMCS, but for whatever reason was in a much better state, and he fed well, so a 1.5 hour journey was fine (and I did one to visit my parents).

My SIL lives 45 minutes away from the hospital, so her and her twins will be having a 45 minute journey at least at a few days old with no choice in the matter.

I also remember crying because DP suggested he left me, in early labour to go and get food (he'd not eaten for over a day, so he really needed it too!) and that wasn't even with any swearing, so I understand you're fragile!

Can these be flexible plans, will he be able to see that perhaps it's just not possible if it isn't? Take you at your word about whether you can manage it, and his parents be similarly understanding?

In a few years time you will be complaining that your ILs show no interest in your children after you have kept them at arm's length with an occasional 'allowed' visit. You sound as if the baby belongs to you and you get to control who is allowed to see the baby. Your husband should not swear at you but I do think you might make an effort to recognise that it is his baby just as much as yours.

He is just probably as worried as you about how everything will work out. Just calm down and nod along to arrangements and say you will see how you feel when the baby arrives. It's a big deal having the first baby, ye will figure it all out.

Very best wishes to you!

The one at 09:10!!

OP, having read all of your responses, that is very clearly how it has come across.

Petalsandstars- can you explain why? What do you think might happen?