Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

Maldini - agreed. So now I have to try and let it go and find a way forward. But I am SO pissed off at the way he's handling this!

Sorry but I think you're being really unreasonable. So many threads where the mother is reluctant to see ILs too soon after the baby is born, but funnily enough her family don't have the same restrictions. It's really not on.

I think a 1.5 hour trip 2-4 weeks post labour is a fairly reasonable thing to agree to. If you're finding recovery tough then that's different and surely can be discussed and plans changed at the time?

Am also interested like pp whether you would be feeling the same way if it was your parents who lived 1.5 hours away - would you?

I would say he is pissed off because he is getting it in the ear from his parents.

No, he shouldn't have sworn at. You but you say this is out of character.

Flip the families and imagine he said you couldn't go visit yours.

I think the only difference is that I would be less embarrassed about our tiny house and that they literally won't fit. I don't know to be honest, you might have a valid point there.

I think YABU about the swearing and the 'threat' of taking her away actually. You know the stress and heightened emotions you're under, with a baby almost here? Well he feels the same and tbh he probably feels extremely stressed that he won't have support from his family because of you insisting that you wont be visiting. I think you can excuse him considering the huge life changing stuff thats happening and he did apologise straight away.

As for threatening to take your baby away, its not impossible to inagine that in his mind he was suggesting a compromise and didnt realise how clumsy it would sound.

You are the one who is being precious here, and you're in for a shock when you realise he has no intention of spending all day every day in the house, cooing over you and the baby, as lovely as that would be. It is not practical and not good for anyones mental health.

I think saying ' well I'll take her on my own' is nowhere near 'I am taking the baby way from you'.

Ok, you need to reframe this a bit- he isn't threatening to take the baby away from you, that is very over dramatic. He is problem solving. The baby will be over a month old, you said you didn't want to go, therefore he said, 'I'll just take her and you can stay home'. I'm sure if you wanted to go, you would be welcome. And it's an hour and a half. Quit making it seem like he threatened to move with the baby to Hong Kong leaving you out.

He shouldn't have sworn at you, and yes, his tone is wrong, but I would be hurt too if my partner seemed unwilling to see my family with the baby.

Regardless, in an ideal world, how would you like to arrange to have the baby meet his family? You have to remember it's not just YOUR baby. It is his as well.

Does it really matter that 1/2 a day out of the 7 in between Christmas and New Years is spent at his family? Honestly, you may appreciate the chance to go over there and have a nice long shower, relax a bit and actually finish a hot drink whilst they fawn over the baby.

I'm assuming your DH gets paternity leave, then I think the simplest thing to do would be for your DH to plan and prepare a lunch and have his family over for the afternoon to meet the baby before Christmas. If you need to rest or sleep when they're around then he can be the doting father for a few hours in your absence. That way over Christmas you have the option of visiting your IL's or not depending on how you feel. It does seem like a long time till his family gets to see your new baby. Do you not particularly get on with them?

Of course his family need to be included but the way your DH spoke to you is dreadful and I'm not surprised you're upset!

I think you need to calmly talk things through. Good luck!

YABU. If you get to Christmas and none of you are up to visiting you can just cancel the visit, surely everyone can be flexible.

SoupDragon - your last sentence, in particular, is spot on.

That sounds like a really good idea bakingaddict.

His behaviour VVU but want to see his family VR.

Unless there is some major extenuating circumstance YANBU to expect them to plan to visit you rather than you visit them if planned this far in advance. ( you might feel differently then but committing to feeling able to travel post birth now is understandably tricky)

Frankly at what is likely to be 3 ish weeks post birth both of you might be too tired to drive safely...

I don't think he had had pressure from his family as he hasn't spoken to them - they've been away. I might just have a chat with his Mum and explain and make some loose arrangements. She is a wonderful woman and I'm sure she will understand - maybe more than her son!

FGS - a month ( or at least 2 weeks after the birth) and you are anticipating still being cocooned at home!!!

YABVU - and this is not a good way to start family life - making it all about the 3 of you is not healthy! It won't serve you well in the long run.

As others have said, his family will want to be involved, very understandably and I'm not surprised he got upset!

I don't know if it'll help but you may be able to come to terms with how he's dealing with it if you try and understand where he's coming from, as you've not exactly dealt with it well either. It's six of one, half a dozen of the other I'm afraid and you've both acted poorly in my mind.
I'd let it go if I were you, accept the apology for his swearing (out of frustration I think?) and compromise.

Adnerb95 ok, I'm hearing you. But it's that he made up this arrangement in his head and then threatened to take her and then swore at me - do you honestly think that's ok? I'm asking as I'm genuinely interested not because I'm being goady.

There's no excuse for him to swear at you, and his threats to take your newborn away from you are disgraceful. However, it's not reasonable for you to just shut down all conversation about meeting up with your in laws.

If your house is tiny, it might actually be easier to agree to visit them for the day and have your inlaws arrange for family to be there, providing food and drinks etc. A journey of 1.5 hours is manageable if you time it with baby's nap times.

However, if you do go 2 weeks over, there's a chance that your baby will actually only be a few days old by Christmas, and if that's the case your husband will have to understand that more flexibility is needed - you might still be in too much pain to make a 3 hour journey, or you may be getting too little sleep to safely drive.

Chewingthecrud he's normally kind and caring but I think he's getting more and more stressed. He said the other night he has had dreams where I died in childbirth and he seems anxious.

I think you should (try) and explain to him that you cannot commit to any firm plans until after the birth as you have no idea how you'll feel. Some people are up and about and able to travel pretty much next day. Others have more complications and need to wait.

It also depends on how many people you are visiting. I would be wary of passing a tiny newborn around large numbers of relatives as the experience would be v stressful for them, and the risk of catching a cold etc quite high. My second had a permanent cold from a week old as he has an older sibling who brought bugs home from nursery. Colds in newborns are awful as they can't sleep, or feed properly as they need to breathe through their nose to latch.

As for "you both may be too tired" to drive an hour and a half at 3 weeks, good grief ...

I took my 4-week-old PFB to a music festival 3 hours away. We coped.