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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

425 replies

mum2Bomg · 23/10/2016 08:29

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

  1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
  2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
  3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

OP posts:
LittleLionMansMummy · 23/10/2016 08:51

Our second baby is due a week earlier op. We planned to be spending Christmas with the in laws this year before I got pregnant and will instead be staying at home. But our in laws live 4 hours away, we also have a 6yo ds and there is simply no space to sleep us all without splitting us all up. Mil also doesn't do well with guests in the house and wouldn't be best pleased with being woken every couple of hours by a baby. We have made it clear however that they're very welcome to visit us and that is what they'll do.

In your case, even if they don't come to you, you could even visit them for just a day if you leave early enough as they live relatively close. We have no choice but to stay over when we visit ours. Could you invite them to you for a day (and perhaps one night) or suggest that you visit them for the day?

maldini · 23/10/2016 08:51

He shouldn't get angry and swear but I must say I don't think I would be the calmest of people if someone started dictating to me when MY family can see my baby. The threat of him taking the baby was probably a quick reaction, but I think probably if it was the other way around you'd likely threaten to take the baby on your own. (I appreciate breastfeeding etc this isn't possible but I don't think the theory of it is any different)

Original poster
mum2Bomg · 23/10/2016 08:52

maldini - it's more that I thought we had already spoken and agreed to our plans and would see how we feel. we have agreed to put aside one weekend a month when we will visit MIL and this will be every month. It's that I was made to feel stupid that I had 'forgotten' this was an arrangement and got called preggobrain. When questioned, he admitted we have never agreed to this.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 23/10/2016 08:52

I had my last baby just before Christnas. We told people that we were having the whole period at home but family were all welcome t 00

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 23/10/2016 08:52

Oh and for comparison, I am due DC3 13th Dec, likely to go over as per first two, will still be going to ILs in the week between Xmas and new year.

Pluto30 · 23/10/2016 08:53

I think you're being unreasonable.

The baby will likely be a month old. Taking her to see your husband's family is a non-issue. It's totally manageable and not a big deal. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill.

maldini · 23/10/2016 08:53

Oh sorry I should have known that as it was in the OP Wink

thecatsarecrazy · 23/10/2016 08:54

Yabu. His family have just as much right to see baby as your family. At a month old you should be pretty settled.

NavyandWhite · 23/10/2016 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 23/10/2016 08:55

Imagine:

"I'm due in November and live 1.5hours from my parents but DHs parents love nearby. DHs has told me I'm not allowed to take DD to see my pare ts after she's born but he wants his parents around whenever they want. AIBU to think he's ioring my family and I should be allowed to take my child to see its grandparents whenever I want?"

Brown76 · 23/10/2016 08:55

YANBU if you are suggesting they can come and visit once baby is born, and that this can be arranged after the birth. You might be feeling fantastic, and ready for visitors/travel. I had a slow recovery and an an hour and a half journey sitting on my stitches and having to be breastfeeding (up to an hour at a time sessions) and in someone else's house when I was still working out when/how to do it would have been horrid. Oh, and my baby was two weeks over due. I don't understand why it all has to be set in stone now? As long as the family will see the baby, surely they can make the journey to see her or be a bit flexible with dates?

NavyandWhite · 23/10/2016 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamas12 · 23/10/2016 08:56

You will not really know how you will be recovering after the birth
It is an unknown
He is being comp,etsy out of order the way he has sworn at you and threatened you by taking baby away, that is cruel. Mother and baby are usually considered still a unit until about six weeks.
When my babies were out of my sight at that age it physically hurt so I am sympathetic there
But you do need to agree when his parents could come to see you
Why should you travel to see them?
Are you able to speak to his mum in person to explain why you can't tell how you'll feel and perhaps she will remember how it was for her

53rdAndBird · 23/10/2016 08:56

What's his relationship with his family like normally? If it's out of character for him to act like this with you, is the upcoming birth maybe tapping into some deeper family stuff for him? Maybe he's feeling guilty for living further from his family than you do yours?

(I'm not suggesting you do all the thinking for him, btw - just a reminder that new babies can set off all kinds of long-buried feelings re: family stuff, and it's good to have a heads-up if that's what's going on.)

LittleLionMansMummy · 23/10/2016 08:56

When I say 'without splitting us all up' I mean between house (Sils also live up there) rather than rooms!

OnionKnight · 23/10/2016 08:56

YABU, it's his baby too so why should your family meet her ASAP and his one has to wait at least a month?

If my wife told me that my mum and dad had to wait a month to meet our child I''d tell her to pull her head out of her arse.

maldini · 23/10/2016 08:57

Either way, he wants the baby to see his family, maybe that wasn't what was arranged but he now wants to put something in place, that is not unreasonable. Especially considering your family seem to come first.

Original poster
mum2Bomg · 23/10/2016 08:58

MidniteScribbler - if anything I make sure he sees them - he will often moan that he doesn't see them enough but rarely calls them or arranges anything. They sometimes even call me to ask to speak to him as he doesn't answer. I've now started making sure we don't leave their company until we have another date in the diary so I can't agree that I don't factor in his family.

OP posts:
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 23/10/2016 08:58

YANBU

I agreed to go to dh's family three weeks after the birth. It was awful, hours drive there, hours drive back. Still had really heavy bleeding, 20 relatives packed into a small room passing dd round like she was a parcel.
Don't commit to it. You have no idea how you will be feeling around Xmas.
I do understand he wants to see his family. Say they are welcome to visit and if you feel up to it you might visit them.

53rdAndBird · 23/10/2016 08:58

PinkiePiesCupcakes - her DH won't be the one physically recovering from birth, or learning how to breastfeed if that's what OP is planning, so it's really not the same thing.

stitchglitched · 23/10/2016 08:59

I had my last baby in the December. We said we were having the whole Christmas period at home but any family was welcome to come and visit for tea/cake and a cuddle with the baby as long as they let us know when they were coming. That worked out really well, I got to stay at home where I was comfortable and those who wanted to visit did.

I would not have entertained travelling any distance nor would I have let my baby be taken from me at such a young age so your DH is wrong in that respect. But I do think you are wrong if you won't allow his family to visit you either.

MollyCule · 23/10/2016 08:59

I am really surprised at the number of people saying you're being unreasonable. In my opinion, YANBU. My first baby is just 3 months old, so this time is very much fresh in my memory.

Firstly, it is very likely that your baby will not be a month old, reasonable odds she will be two or three weeks old.

Secondly, yes your daughter is of course equally your husband's daughter, but he's not the one who will be pushing her out of his area.

Don't underestimate how crap you might be feeling for a few weeks after the birth. You might be uncomfortable walking, sitting and it's quite likely you will be very sleep deprived.

He absolutely shoud not have sworn at you, or threatened to take her without you. I would lose the plot if my husband had done this or even said somethin like that very soon after my daughter was born. I was very hormonal and even found it hard to let me husband take her from me to comfort her if she was crying or something.

You don't know when the baby will be born, wo my advice to you would be to say that you will be delighted for his family to visit and see the baby but you will have to play jt by ear as to when exactly that will be.

Good luck with everything, it is the most amazing thing in the world!

happypoobum · 23/10/2016 08:59

I don't think OP is being unreasonable at all and am surprised at the hard time she has been given.

It sounds to me, sorry if I misunderstood, that DH isn't talking about a day trip but staying over? I don't think I would have wanted to do that so soon after giving birth. I really think OP should be at home establishing care/routines/gaining confidence.

Also, I would be livid at him saying he would just take the baby. What if OP is EBF and can't express (happened to me twice) DH sounds like a spoilt child.

OP try to talk to him rationally. Say you will be so happy to have visitors (NOT STAYING OVER) and hope his family will be able to make it between Christmas and New Year. IF, and only IF you feel up to it, you MIGHT be able to go there for a day trip.

If he is still acting like a dick then you have more talking to do.

Wishing you luck Flowers

HmmmmBop · 23/10/2016 08:59

YABU

He shouldn't have told you to fuck off but it doesn't sound like he was 'threatening to take her away', just struggling to come up with a solution because you were so fixed in your conviction that you should be staying at home near your family and that his family shouldn't be seeing the new baby for over a month.

By a month old you will have forgotten what life was like without having a baby in all likelihood and just be getting on with life. It's a day out, that's it - presumably he will be driving, you can kip in the car, baby can kip in the car. You just sit there at the in laws house with your baby for a few hours and get waited on while everyone tells you how gorgeous your new baby is. Then you kip in the car while you're driven home - everyone's happy. Not sure I understand the drama.

sarahnova69 · 23/10/2016 08:59

He shouldn't have reacted that way but YA being fairly U.

L was due on 27th Nov two years ago and turned up bang on time, and we spent Xmas with the in-laws 90 mins away. I did contract for a redrawing of plans if I just wasn't up for it, but I was totally fine, feeding was established, and frankly the time in the car with newborn comatose was about the only chance we had to talk at the time! In fact, the help was beneficial as it coincided with the worst of my sleep deprivation and MIL spent hours with him in the night.

His family really matter to him. Introducing your child to his family is a huge moment for him. You are being U, and quite insensitive, in asking him to put it off for so long when it can almost certainly be managed.