Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

Ok, it sounds as if he needs reassurance that he will be able to introduce your new baby to his family , and you need to know that you will have calm at home time and not be pressurised into things you don't feel up to.

All this is surely possible. Try and acknowledge between the two of you that that is what matters, not making hard and fast rules and arrangements right now.

The ILs are only 1.5 away, close enough for a day trip when the baby is born?

See how you feel and be prepared for anything . We went away for a few days when DS was 2.5 weeks old, and I drove! We had a great time, baby very portable , etc. But I wouldn't have wanted that planned a month before my due date.

Ok, well if there are lots of them and a small house, could they come in shifts?

I suppose I just thought his focus would be on us, and our new little family.

Yes, but his parents are part of your child's family too and they will be a month old!! You cannot be his sole focus forever.

Honestly, you are making this into something it isn't. In your head, when were you planning on it not being just the 3 of you and your family against the world? When is your DH allowed to be part of his family?

I really don't think him wanting to visit his family between Christmas and new year is not focusing on you and your baby.

He has been an idiot in how he has gone about it, however visiting family 1.5 hours away is likely to be manageable depending on how things go. You can cancel later on if needed. We visited family that distance when our baby was 2.5 weeks old. It wasn't great, mainly because I felt I couldn't have an afternoon nap and I was stressing about having the baby in the car (that bit was fine, she slept!). I think it's perfectly reasonable for your DH to want to see his family, especially as it sounds like your family will have lots of opportunity.

It does sound like a miscommunication initially, although he shouldn't have sworn. And I wouldn't be happy at the suggestion of someone taking my baby away for a few days at that age. Aside from anything else, if you're planning on breastfeeding, you'll most likely still be getting that established.
Is it possible that his parents have said something to him - even something minor like "shame we won't see you and the family at Christmas, oh well, we'll see you all another time" - that's made him rethink the original conversation? Especially as your parents live closer so it's easier for them to drop in and see you and vice versa?

DC3 is due mid December and we've said to family that we're not going to commit to any Christmas / New Year plans, even with my parents who live pretty close. Baby could potentially appear on Christmas Day if overdue, and even if it's earlier, we just have no idea how baby and I will be doing by Christmas. Happily both sets of grandparents seem to be accepting of the whole idea that if we do visit, it'll be arranged very much at the last minute (or at least aren't saying otherwise to me and DH).

I think it's the guilt trip, the language, the threat of taking her anyway, that's bothering me, not the visiting...although the thought of committing to a date now is really daunting and I'd rather wait and see how we are feeling.

Agree if someone said to me we'll spend Christmas and new year at home I would assume we can still visit people in the week in between, especially as there's no need to stay over.

Also op my advice would be that travelling get with small babies if often easier than with toddlers.

I'm on the fence with this one. Yes, of course he wants his family to meet his new baby, and in his shoes I would be pissed off at the implication that it's OK for your family to be on the scene for nearly a month before his family have even got a look in.

HOWEVER, him saying he would take the baby on his own is bang out-of-line; hurtful and cruel. Even if you're not breastfeeding (which makes his suggestion ridiculous), you don't separate a mother from her newborn. Ever.
Let's just hope that that was something he said in the heat of the moment.

Yabu. How on earth is taking your DD to see her Grandparents a "rigid plan". What's he "putting on" you? I suspect it would be different if it was your parents that lived the hour and a half away.

You said you want your focus to be on you and your little family, but you include your other family in this and not his. Why would he put this on you now? He's not putting anything on you, he's trying to make sure his family can actually see the new baby a fair amount of time after the birth and after I imagine your family will have seen them a lot, with a fair bit of notice. Barring the swearing at you of course, I just can't see how you are finding him unreasonable.

Op Yanbu at all. Plan a quiet relaxing Christmas if they want to visit then fine, lovely, but I wouldn't be having heaps of visitors actually staying either.

Our house is tiny and there are a lot of them but they would be welcome

Keep telling him this. Some women are fine to travel two weeks after birth, some are not. You are happy for ILs family to visit you instead.

You haven't been unreasonable at all and I would be looking with new eyes at a man who was angry and aggressive and threatened to take a newborn baby away from it's mother when it wasn't necessary.

That makes sense Blu, thank you.

YABU, I can see why you'd want to be at home but it really isn't fair that his family miss out on seeing your baby.
1 hour 30 is nothing and she'll most likely sleep the whole time.

He was unreasonable to tell you to fuck off but you've stated he's already apologised for that.

His response is shit but you're being very unreasonable to not organize with him a time for his family to see their grandchild.

Would your family be happy not to see baby for a month if they lived slightly further away?

WhirlwindHugs - this is exactly how I feel. He doesn't swear and shout ever and I feel like I'm seeing a whole new side to him.

But you have done the same. You have made him feel he has to ask permission to see his family. Perhaps the way you phrased it bothered him.

I would be really passed off if dh told me I should have consulted him before agreeing to vague plans two months away especially as Christmas and new year is really a time for family.

But it sounds like you're being rigid with your plans as well.

My DH and I are planning on visiting his parents soon after our baby's born as due to health problems they won't be able to drive to us. They're around 2 and a half hours away. I would never keep their grandchild away from them.

I think you'll cause a massive rift if you stick so rigidly to your plans.

I think you're being pretty unreasonable to not say that if everything goes ok that you'll visit one day between christmas and new year. You're happy to spend the time with your own family, but his gets ignored.

I'd like to hear his side of things. I'm going to bet this isn't the first time you've disregarded his feelings about his own family and put yours first.

Yanbu. Your baby may be only 3-4 weeks old, you will still be recovering and figuring out how on earth to look after a baby. And tired. An hour and a half is a long time when you're in pain and your baby is grizzly. Personally I wouldn't be committing to going anywhere until the baby was a couple of months old and you've found your feet.

Can't they come to you? I wouldn't particularly have wanted to commit to 3 hours of travelling there and back with a newborn before the birth. And I definitely wouldn't have fancied it a month after my due date, when I had a 2-week-old baby, was recovering from a caesarean, and breastfeeding was still a very time-consuming faff.

Sorry, you really are being unreasonable. Of course he wants to introduce his family to his new baby, I can't believe you would begrudge him that 2-4 weeks after birth! Travel with very young kids is an absolute doddle, far easier than toddlers! I've got to take DD2 15 months to my in laws 2 hours away today and she will kick right off after a whirlpool contained in her car seat, I long for the early days where she just slept or sat happily in the car!

You do come across as very self centred, allowing your family to see DD and spend time with you all but not his, you need to sort this out before it breeds resentment from all involved.

A month after the birth I could have made that trip ( bad stitching infection etc). We would of needed to stop for me to feed her but doable.
2 weeks. No chance could not have sat for that long in a car also feeding was still all over the place.
I would of been distraught if my DH had even considered going without me. I wouldn't have let him take our DD. Way to young and with BF and a bottle refuser not possible.
I can completely understand your reaction to that. I don't think it means you don't trust your DH to look after DD however it's not about that it's about how you feel about being away from her iyswim.
Maybe suggest to your DH that you will see them at some point between due date and new years ( I don't think that's an unreasonable request from him at all). But you can't make firm plans until baby is here. Maybe suggest that they could come to you if you are not up to traveling. At least his parents and when your feeling up to it you will visit the other family?