Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

It sounds like it was a very u pleasant argument.

To be honest, it's a bit daft to make any definite plans at this stage. Your baby could be late and only 2 weeks old at Xmas and you could be recovering from cs. On the other hand it could be 6 week old and you could be feeling perfect fine and up for travelling around.

Your dp may not have thought through all the possible scenarios.

An hour and a half is a very easy day trip. Have them come to you and return the same day.

Your big problem here is the unsupportive attitude of your DH. The swearing and stubbornness is completely out of line, and very uncaring. Asking to wait and see how you feel is totally reasonable, especially considering that the distance is so short.

(Sorry if my last post seemed insensitive after the following stuff you added - it was in response to what you said to Adnerb95 the thread is moving v quick

I think there are some rather disingenuous posts on here from people claiming they would be fine if their DP took a 2 - 4 week old baby off for a day when they were trying to establish breastfeeding

I totally understand why you were so upset OP. However, I am a bit confused. Do you mean that ILS won't have seen your baby at all prior to Christmas? Or do you mean they will have seen the baby before Christmas but want to spend some time with you over the holidays?

I think offering them to visit you really is the best solution here. I am sure they will be far too excited about the baby to mind about your small house, and if not they are knobbers.

I think what he said about taking the baby on his own was bad. I doubt he meant it though and was frustrated same with the swearing.

I have seen a few threads about seeing the new baby it does often seem to be the in laws that are put on the back burner I don't know why that is really.

I also don't understand why simple things become so complicated. We took my son to see his nan and grandad at a week old. Just got in the car and off we went.

We had visitors day after I gave birth. I know everyone is different. And I guess it also depends how you are health wise but I do think both sets of grandparents should be treated in the same way

I feel like I'm seeing a whole new side to him.

That would worry the fuck out of me too and I'm not knackered with hormones everywhere.

got called preggobrain

And he's gaslighting you? That's really shit, even if he doesn't mean to.

Have you ever had counselling about your childhood and your dad? No wonder it's woken up horrible anxiety for you.

and sympathy from me. Can you talk to him about it?

Also, I think having a tiny home would be good in this situation, people can visit and then leave shortly afterwards! That's perfect with a new born!

Bluebeck - no one is saying that

I think you are both BU and each need to take a deep breath. You want firm plans that it will just be the 3 of you but don't want to make any firm plans with your IL. If your MIL is as nice as you say, then provisionally booking ONE DAY to take DD to see them and adding the proviso that it will happen only if you're feeling ok, baby not late etc, will surely be acceptable. A 90 minute drive in the holiday period isn't terribly onerous. And DD is your DH's baby too. Can you not understand that he might want to show her off and meet her GPs? And this "threatened to take her away" stuff. I'm going to be kind when I say in the nicest way- get a grip. Yes, you might struggle to feed. Or have a difficult birth, or have PND. Equally it might all be fine, so try to not stress. That is her father. I wish my DH threatened to take my child to soft play more often so I could get a hot cup of tea.

Op be kind to each other. Him as well.

It's not a big deal I am sorry your dad was a shit. But your dh didn't threaten to take you r baby away to another country. He said he would visit his parents who live 90 mins away.

You are both tired and stressed. It's not worth all this upset.

It's one day visit. The baby could be late, you could take a long time to recover. Or the baby could be a bit early. Both mine were a week early and I recovered quickly.

You may find yourself wondering what the fuss was about. Good luck.

And I don't think you have said we are all wrong. I think you have listened and taken what people have said on board.

NavyandWhite is spot on.
OP.

Chat to your DH and have a cuddle. Acknowledge your fears and boundaries both.

Get on to your lovely MIL and let them know you'll be in touch as soon as you feel up to it and they can call to see you at home and bring cake, with a visit from you to them to follow in the new year.

It'll be great. You'll be knackered but being knackered with a gorgeous teeny baby is better IMO than being knackered from pregnancy and work and a shitty commute and poor sleep due to fear of the unknown.

Best of luck!

He sounds like a complete knob. Who tells their heavily pregnant partner to fuck off and threatens to take a tiny baby out without the mother'/ consent?

The rule is that heavily pregnant hormonal women get to be as unreasonable as they like. This is also true for at least a month after birth. Their partner's only job is to support them while they do this momentous thing.

Also, I am as sweary as they come and I'm certain that I have never told my partner to fuck off during an argument.

When you're calmer, I'd be reading him the riot act about why his behaviour is not ok.

I'll speak to him today and explain I'm happy to visit but ask if we can see when is the right time and agree this together.

Thank you all - I'd got very worked up about this and I am probably BU. It does help to have a group of people to put things into perspective and see your situation in a different light.

Op some people are giving you a hard time. It's perfectly normal for you both to be nervous/ anxious/ excited a month before your baby is due. People are forgetting it is also your first and you don't know what to expect. Of course you're exhausted (I can relate to that!) and totally in the dark about what to expect - worries about whether you'll need a cs and still be recovering, whether you'll breastfeed or bottle feed, how much the baby will sleep and how much of a 'routine' you may or may not be in etc. With my first, the baby blues hit when ds was 2 weeks and I asked dh to take another week off work. Fwiw by 3 weeks I was feeling 100% better and getting out lots, seeing people. Babies are incredibly 'portable' when they're still so little and their needs are very small - feeding, change, clean, plenty of close contact. I remember going to a new years day meal with ds when he was about 5/6 weeks and he slept most of the day!

I do agree that you are being unreasonable about your in laws and there are some compromises you can reach. But I think those are borne out of uncertainty rather than malice, which is understandable with your first. All you'll have heard is that having a newborn is hard work etc etc. But if you approach it positively and in a relaxed way it will make things a lot easier. It's hard for a couple of weeks because of your emotions and the newness of it, but I suspect you'll be doing a lot better by the time the baby is a month or so old.

For now, just talk to your dh, try to find a compromise, apologise to each other and concentrate on the happiness your new baby will bring. Good luck.

To those of you saying that a 3 hour drive 2-3 weeks postpartum and the person who brought their 4 week old to a festival - great for you but that's not going to be ok for everyone so soon after birth. I had an episiotomy and a bruised coccyx that still hurts now after a while in the car. OP I would say see how you feel, if you feel ok to drive for that length of time, great but if I were you I'd avoid making any promises..

Look after yourself, the last few weeks can be exhausting and after the birth your husband needs to be priorising you (and the baby) and your recovery.

I'd just got stuck on his behaviour and words and couldn't stop thinking about that.

Cross post op, sounds like you're in a better place now.

You are being unreasonable.

Also, I think far too much emphasis is being placed on him swearing and immediately apologising. He swore once at the end of what sounds like a very frustrating multi-day argument in which he was being reasonable and you were not.

He then immediately apologised. If he has never sworn before, and is a reasonable guy, then is it not quite possible that you are emotionally off-centre, being unusually difficult to live with at the moment and he momentarily let that get to him?

Calm down, anything could happen between now and Christmas, keep your options open.

LittleLionMansMummy - that's kind of spot on. No one has told me anything positive about having their first. I've heard only negative stories and lists of what's shite about it.

Mum - you sound like you're taking on board everything very graciously. I hope you manage to work something out and resolve this - sometimes you just need a step back and perspective x

But it's that he made up this arrangement in his head and then threatened to take her and then swore at me

Put baldly like this, none of this is okay. But people remember things differently, and perhaps he did mention going to his parents, and you didn't register it, or perhaps he thought he had mentioned it to you, (as it seemed to him such an obvious thing to do - which it is) but he hadn't.

If you refused to visit his parents, I can understand why he would say he would just take her, himself. It's quite hard on him not to be able to show off his new baby to his family, and for them not to be able to see her. As SoupDragon says, what if it was your family who hadn't got to see her yet? How would you feel?

And if you were being intransigent, that would have made him feel angry enough to swear. He acknowledged it was wrong, and apologised.

Tiny babies are incredibly portable, particularly if you intend to breast feed. A short journey like that is nothing with a baby - they tend to sleep in the car, anyway, particularly after a good feed.

Of course plans may need to change, depending on circumstances, but you insisting on not going, under any circumstances, would be very unreasonable, actually.

(And my first was great, obviously a shock to the system but way way less mad than I had imagined)