Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

Grabbiness, god no, I agree, fancy the family who will be an integral part of the child's life wanting to bond with it. Whatever next.

But nobody's saying that the baby shouldn't get to bond with its relatives.

The OP is getting a ridiculous amount of kicking here, from people who seem to have skim-read her posts and decided the issue is whether her in-laws get to see the baby or not. She's never said they can't see the baby! The issue is about whether she should be making plans now to travel to them 4 weeks due date, and about how her DH handled that idea.

It's ridiculous the number of people who think the OP is 'selfish' if she doesn't want to commit to 3 hours of travel at this point, before the baby's born, before she knows how she'll be feeling or what she'll feel up to. Jesus, if there's one time in a mother's life when she gets to say "if you want to see me, you come to me", it should be in the weeks right after giving birth!

Reminded of the thread a little while ago about someone who didn't want to cook for a house full of in-laws right after giving birth, and got jumped on by people who were doing Christmas dinner for 28 with a 1-week-old after a rough delivery with massive blood loss, and thought the OP was being totally unreasonable for not wanting to do the same.

Demanding via shouting and threats that someone travel long distances shortly after they've given birth regardless of how much pain or trauma they're in (what if the OP needs an emergency C-section?) =/= "wanting to bond with a grandchild."

if he treating you like that now when you are carrying his child it isn't going to be a bed of roses when baby here. What a horrible thing to do threatening to take her away without you?? Who would separate a new baby from their mum? I know baby is equally important to both of you but he is being disrespectful. Why can't they visit you? I feel for you as he has put you in a horrid place at what should be an exciting time for you both. Don't be bullied or controlled by him or anyone.

Oh FFS read the full thread!!

I agree you shouldn't have to cmit to anything- no way would I have wanted to be up and down all night staying over at the in laws with a new born. Plus I had a Csection and then an infection and was readmitted, you just don't know how it's all going to go.
3 hour round trip is actually a long time in a car seat for a new born.. more than recommended.
Invite them to visit, not to stay...
And as for taking baby without you? Appalling thought, babies need to be in contact with their mother pretty much constantly

No one is saying they cant bond with the child ffs, give the mother chance and space to bond first!!

They can wait! Their relationship with the
Baby is not going to be damaged because the mother didn't drag herself out to visit them with the baby in the first four weeks after birth.

Thank you everyone. To be clear for people who haven't read the full thread I don't have an issue with any of his family and I understand they will want to see baby. It was his behaviour that really got to me.

We have had a chat and he's agreed that he was being unreasonable. We are going to see how everything goes and visit the in-laws as soon as WE feel able to, or invite them over in smaller groups. He's admitted to being stressed and worried about the birth and we had a long chat.

To be clear, I wasn't saying for one second that his family should wait a month (or more) to see her, just that I wasn't able to commit to it at this stage.

It's interesting that my thread has polarised opinion so much...

Thanks for all of the flowers and nice stories

Op, I'm so shocked by most of the responses here. You are NOT being unreasonable.

This is not a competition between his family and yours. They can easily do a round trip in a day to visit their grandchild if they want to. Choice is theirs.

Your OH has some serious issue. He is either panicking or under some kind of pressure. It's so unreasonable for anyone to demand a person to make plans a few weeks after a birth (which has not even bloody happened yet btw!!!). You could deliver late or god forbit have a difficult birth, whatever.

After giving birth it's important to take time out! Fuck 'duties' to anyone after You've had a baby. Ur priority and OH's priority should be your well being and your baby's!

I stayed home the first 6 weeks and slept as much as I can. It's important to give ur body time to recover. Also bear in mind the lack of sleep and dealing with new babies.

What the hell is wrong with your OH?

If my OH had told me he'd just take my baby away without me, I'd fucking rip his head off and divorce him. What planet is he on to even make that kind of a comment to a woman who is uber pregnant???

Not to mention if r breastfeeding! I never left my babies alone throughout the time I breastfed.

I'm so angry at your OH. What an insensitive person? Is he having some kind of midlife crisis or freaking out? Taking a new baby away from the woman who carried her for 9 fucking months? All every weirdo on here who thinks it's totally acceptable thing to do to a new mum and a new baby????

Good to read your update. Good to hear that you are both on the same page.
Def invite the ILs to visit in smaller groups. I'm sure they will understand that they can't turn up en-mass. Which means they get to see baby and will take the pressure of you from having to travel. But don't think about making any firm plans until Baby is here. Good luck

Glad your conversation went well, mum2Bomg!

Also, please don't think that all the women telling you "oooh, I wouldn't have been up to that journey a few weeks after birth" means everyone is suffering hugely and in horrible pain at that point. I wouldn't have been up to the journey, but not because I felt horrible - in fact I felt so great (post-birth euphoria plus joy of not being pregnant any more!) that I was zipping about like a mad thing, and ended up getting told sternly by midwives to TAKE IT EASY because I was doing too much and pushing my body past what it could manage! Make sure you look after yourself.

Well done op! Glad you updated and you are doing well.

These threads do tend to go a few ways every time they crop up. Posters in the 'would you do that to your parents?' camp, the 'I ran the London marathon an hour after a c- section' brigade.. and the 'screw the visitors' group... I'm in the latter of course.

After an unexpected and horrible lengthy stay in hospital after having dd, I just wanted my house all to myself.
People forget that PND can be made worse by too many visitors and the stress it causes some people.

i know what you mean, i`m due 7th december and i am Not traveling to see anybody... my mum will be with me for help with my dd 4yr and my in laws not visiting until xmas... just try to discuss it in a few days when you feel its the right time for a calm talk and explain it will take a good 3 weeks until you all settle and being the first one you have no idea how hard it will be, maybe they could come and see you and save you messing about with a tiny baby... good luck :)

Great news

Nothing like a good chat to clear the air. Hope everything goes well, and wish you a lovely Christmas with your newborn

Glad you have come to an agreement. The only way is to be flexible.

My ILs did not see DS1 until he was 9 weeks. That was because I was ill and DFIL was ill too, and there was a 5 hour journey between us.

When we finally got there (Christmas ) DMIL had arranged everything for me so that I could be comfortable. We had to cook dinner for the GGPs (and take it there in the car ) and she also had to arrange for me to see her doctor on Christmas Day (mastitis - again).

DS and DFIL bonded like nothing you have ever seen! When we returned at Easter, he lifted his arms up- straight past poor DMIL and went straight to DFIL with a huge, laughing, grin, because he remembered him from being only 9 weeks old.

They were brilliant grandparents and the 9 week wait hurt nothing.

Hopefully your DH will learn to be more flexible and realise that you can't make a commitment until the baby is here and you know what you are dealing with. Some people find it hard to put themselves into this place until it actually happens.

(It would be better still if they came to you in small numbers and DH catered )

(I had a haemorrhage, followed by recurrent mastitis, with a baby who did not know about night, so definitely in the 'not able to run a marathon' camp.)

Yabu. Stop being so precious. You are being inflexible. Xmas is a time for family.

As usual there are twats piling in at the end to stick the boot in when they haven't even read beyond the first page.

OP, glad you have come to a proper understanding now.

Thanks for the update, so happy for you. Always good to have a chat and sort things out. Wishing you all the best for an easy and non-complicated birth (and the London marathon you'll be running an hour later 😉)

Gosh, my DH upset me loads before the birth and he's a lovely DH, it just brought his own emotions out and he couldn't relate to anything I was going through as I was stressed out before the birth.
I am guilty of skim reading but I read your last post and few in between and you're absolutely right in being honest about how you feel about the trip. I probably would say 'yes definitely but we just have to take it one step at a time in the first few months'.
I remember that the first three weeks were utter chaos and our whole lives were turned upside down by this crazy crying bundle of joy! We did a 3 hour journey to the ILs about 3 months later and I think I could have done it earlier as my MIL was great at letting me relax as she did the bottles (our LO had cleft palate and couldn't breastfeed) and I put my feet up for a few minutes rather than constantly doing things. 3 hours was a long journey though and they did visit us in first few weeks.

I was so poorly after having dd. Still having issues 4 years later.

I don't your posting about how soon after labour to expect to be able to travel.

I would be upset about your dh response, but I also recall when I was the same pregnancy stage me and dh were so anxious. We had planned to have a child and we were all ready to meet our baby. But it's such a stressful time. Please don't worry too much about his response. Try and have a chat about it all again in a really laid back way.

But please if this behavior becomes frequent or worse talk to someone. I don't know much about you so I don't want to come across rude.

Take care and enjoy your dd.

Great news OP, sounds like you are on the same page now and feeling better. GREAT.