Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

Bless you Needs - you sound lovely

Not saying I'm right just saying how I see it. I just think that both sets of grandparents should be treated the same. Some people parents don't give a shit about their grandchildren and are not a part of their grown up kids/ grandkids life.

No one is 100% what will happen in terms of dates and how mum will feel. Of it was me I would make loose plans but everyone would be treated equalike.

I think people on here who are saying I was doing xyz after giving birth are just sharing

OK so after rereading what you have responded to people. I reckon you and hubby will be fine. if you can afford it i recommend going to hypno-birthing. .to lessen the worry of the actual birth.... it was awesome for us. my hubby and i were a bit frightened ... of the whole thing. various horror stories had us a bit on edge,..every week it gave us positive things to do all the way to the birth and we're given so much good information, from what questions to ask at the hospital in different senarios, to in detail what would happen to my body, breathing, we understood all the procedures and terminology, which will be suggested but are actually choices. the courses are really really helpful. we came away with 6 different birth preferences (not plan as it may or may not go to plan). we enjoyed our birth...seriously. .. we were very relaxed and united. . ..we did our meditations together, it sounds hippy but actually the hypnobirthing name sounds crap - its not so hippy! also take a look at YouTube - frank azaria and his 10 minute fatherhood programmes they are super funny and really reduce stress ...

YANBU at all. Has he read about 4th trimester, baby moon, etc? The priority in the 1st 40 days after birth is bonding between mother & baby and establishment of milk supply. There are plenty of cultures where that time is given to new mothers to rest & establish feeding. I wonder if the pressure to be up & about so quickly is part of our low breastfeeding rates?

At 3 weeks post birth dd was still struggling to feed, gain weight & clear her jaundice. She wasn't up to a 3 hr round trip for some time.

You'll probably be fine, but flexibility is important & support not pressure from your dp is what is needed. Do you have a La Leche League locally? Ours did a really good antenatal session for mums & partners.

Don't panic & Needssock
It is lovely to hear two MIL's put their DIL's first and talk with some sense. Hugs to you both xx

Yes the baby is important to both sides, but right now the mum who is probably feeling very vulnerable is most important.

Op I'm about a month behind you with Baby2. While I did make a similar 1.5 hour journey with Baby1 at 4/5 weeks. It took much longer to give baby a feed and a break from the car seat. Circumstances have changed and there is no need for me to make the same journey however I would not be making plans until baby is safely in my arms. While I had a straight forward easy birth the last time, it doesn't take away my fear of a horrible time this time.
Hope your DH has calmed down. Given you have a. Good relationship with MIL I think I would speak with her about his hopes of visiting.

YABU

YANBU - of course it's his child but at this particular time all you need is no pressure and CALM from him. Not a load of last minute 'suggestions' that then become 'demands' about when his family can come etc.

Those early weeks with a small child are very, very precious and important. No way would I want my DP to be threatening to 'take the baby himself'... it is a mum's instinct to want to have TIME and to go at her own pace, and this including when and how visitors come, and certainly includes taking off the baby. He's being horrible. Tell him to back off big time!!!

I'm sure he just said he'd take her himself because you were being g difficult and refusing to give his parents a chance to meet their granddaughter. You do come across as this being your child to share with your family and he's hurt by that and lashed out. I don't get why they can't come straight away if they like - I bet your mother won't have to wait a month. YABU

Don't you think a better approach would be to say yes that would be so lovely to see your family, after Christmas, assuming there are no complications?
Your husband is sounding frustrated that he cannot make tentative plans, would he really make you travel if you were not well enough? Surely if the time comes and you have had some terrible experience and are not able to make the trip he can ask them to come to you instead, I'm sure they would be delighted and everyone will be fine with it.

Thank goodness for sensible people ie carrielouise and needsasockamnesty. Some folk should RTFT before posting.Good luck,OP with what ever you decide.

A new grandchild around Christmas, of course all want to be involved, think down the track for your child seeing photos of both sides of the family and themselves being centre place.

FFS!

I had DD at home, nice cosy (if long and painful) birth, and the next day we had a mooch around town.

I am still able to understand that the OP may not be up to a long journey and then a full day in someone elses house, while still getting used to being a mother and possibly still losing lochia too.

Why is it so unreasonable to say "Your mum and dad can come and visit, but not the whole tribe, and we will go and see them when I have my head on straight"?

I have had 6 kids and I wouldnt have done the proposed trip with any of them, never mind #1!

My first birth was way harder than anybody anticipated. Then had feeding issues and stitches that had to be redone 7 weeks in. I ended up with PND for over 10 months. There is no way I was going anywhere and visitors were limited to those who were there to help or there for just a short time. I would say don't commit to anything but putting you and baby and your well being first. Yes of course it's his baby too but the baby isn't squeezing out of any nether region of his body, is it? It's a bit different for the mum, especially early on. If he knows you aren't banning his family, just needing to wait and see and not feel pressured, surely you can make a (highly) flexible plan to include all sides? Best of luck with the birth.

Don't be pressured into anything. I was and I still feel resentful now. If you're still trying to establish feeding then this might be the catalyst for you to give up.

If they could come for a few hours one day prior to Christmas Day and go back home (they only live 1.5hours away-mine are 3.5/4hours away), then at least they would have met their new grandchild and you would feel happy to enjoy Christmas as a new family? But hey I'm still figuring out how to juggle my in laws!!

Good luck and welcome to this crazy world of parenting.

I'm with bogey face. It's unreasonable to expect you to do it. Maybe you will want to do it, in the end, but you won't know that till Just before. They should visit you for the day, it's no distance. People like to have a baby in the house though - maybe that's where the pressure is coming from. It's really not your problem so you should just say 'well they can come here instead'.

I really wouldn't start thinking that the fact you don't want to commit means you've got birth anxiety problems and need hypnotising or something. It's natural not to want to commit so don't. Everyone gets a bit 'birth anxious' it's normal.

I hate making Christmas plans at the best if times.
I would agree to them visiting you in that week, but say you'll confirm once baby has arrived and you've found your feet.

I think when you have a baby, most people feel they want to show the baby to their family. So the problem might just disappear.

For his family not to be seeing the new baby a whole month after she has been born is unreasonable. My in laws were the first to arrive within 10 minutes of getting home from hospital, I had a straight forward birth so this was midday and she was born at 7am! I found this all a bit overwhelming particularly when my own mum had said she would hold back until later that evening so as not to over crowd us. However a month after the baby is born is a long time and it wouldn't be fair that they don't get to see he baby until the new year when she is due on 29tht November. An hour and a half away isn't too far, you could just go for the morning. I think you need to accommodate his wishes on this one.
It's Christmas and it's a new baby.

He's been a dick by shouting at you, but seems he knows that as he apologised.

You won't know whether you are up to the trip until the time. Everyone's birth experience is different - if you end up having a section for example, you might not be able to sit in a car for that long yet. If it's straightforward, you might be feeling better than when you were pregnant.

With a tiny baby, the expectation is that people will come to visit you, not the other way around. Christmas doesn't make this any different.

Once baby is here he will probably change his mind about taking a 4 week old baby on a 3 hour round trip plus visiting time on his own. If you are breastfeeding, that just won't be possible anyhow.

He shouldn't tell a pregnant woman he is taking the baby away - massively bad move!

However seeing his family between xmas and NY sounds easy. I'd go there for a day. You can be waited on rather than expected to cook and you'll probably spend most of the time bf-ing in the spare bedroom anyway!

When Christmas came, my baby was around two weeks old. No way I would have gone anywhere in a car, I had stitches and an infection. You do not know how you might be feeling three weeks after the birth, the chances of actually giving birth on the DD are very slim anyway, you might be two weeks late and have a 11 day old baby by Christmas!

What I did allow was people coming over. My MIL came for Christmas, I bought all the food ready to either put in the oven or reheat. M&S and Waitrose have a great selection of vegetables ready to cook and turkeys already prepared my husband got in charge of putting it in oven at set times. I made the prawn cocktail the previous day and added the lettuce on the day. My MIL got all the snacks, drinks and desserts. It was as hassle-free as possible and we had a lovely time as a family. You could tell everybody to go to your house but to cook for you, specially since you do not know how you will be health-wise. That way you could all have a family Christmas that you could enjoy with the little one.

With the first baby some people feel very accommodating to others, or guilty about saying and doing what is convenient to them. I guess your DH is feeling that way and stressing over how his family would feel if you don't visit over Christmas. In his head the baby probably arrives on the due date and he is wondering why can you not visit 4 weeks after that. Is he driving? He has apologised and seen the wrong on his reaction, I think it is not worth to hold onto the grudge, he is probably stressed about Christmas, the arrival of the baby and how it might change his life. He will probably be exhausted himself at that point in time and wondering why don't his family go to yours... I would invite them over, being Christmas, but ask them nicely to help you around, bring the food, cook the food, whatever it might help. My MIL was really impressed I was "cooking" dinner two weeks after the birth... but we really just put things in the oven and it was miles better than either being on our own (I felt it would be a bit sad and lonely) or driving anyway and having to stay in another place ...specially having to carry all the mum pads, witch hazel, breast pads, breastfeeding clothes, formula, bottles, nappies, blankets, changes of clothes, etc. DH is not seeing the full picture yet, I think. Invite them over!

Have you thought about how he feels OP? Not about seeing his parents, but about having a baby? We sometimes get so involved and focus only on "us", as we are the ones pregnant, huge, emotional, having to literally carry everything and have impending labour and a lot of unknown to stress about. Often we forget about the husband and how he's probably panicking too, and internalising everything because he doesn't want to burden us with his worries. I know my husband was so busy supporting me it took me ages to wake up to the fact that HE also had concerns about the new baby, labour, and where he would fit into the picture after DD was born.
Maybe it's all become too much for him and it's overflowed into a row! If he feels out of control with life (the unknown of pregnancy and the future!!) this may be his way of trying to feel like something is still in his hands. Give him a break, instead of feeling like HE'S the idiot, HE is the one "putting this on you", try to understand how he is feeling. I'm not saying swearing at our spouse is EVER right, But you say that's not how he usually behaves, so clearly he's under a lot of stress too.
My DD was 6 weeks early, and we did a two hour round trip when she was 2 weeks old. And I'd had a csection. I understand you feel like you need a "set" plan, but for the sake of you and him, agree to the one day out, you can always cancel if you're not up to it! His family is JUST as important as yours and have every right to see their grandchild, but also they're not as important as your marriage. Don't agree to it for them, agree because he needs to know you understand how he feels and this is a massive change he for him too!
Take care of yourself, but don't allow this to become a huge issue for the two of you. As I said, you can always cancel on the day if you're not up to it!

Hi family may be put out, my mum lives 2 1/2 hours away from us and I suggested she come to stay s week after baby is born she was massively offended and wanted to be there the following day, 5 weeks is a very long time to wait to meet your grandchild. Is it there first by any chance if so then yes they will be really upset

That should read 1 week

Ignore everyone saying you are BU op, they can wait to meet the baby.

Cant stand grabiness around a newborn, from anyone.