Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

Fucking hell.

YANBU.

I've just had a baby this year, and I was very very ill afterwards. It took me months to recover, and the neighbours only saw our little one at 4 months old as I never left the house.

Family can fuck off. DH was only interested in me and what I wanted. He would happily beat anyone off with a stick who wanted to see me when I didn't want to see anyone.

On Christmas your baby will be just a few weeks old. Anyone said they'd take my newborn away from me at that age, I'd have murdered them slight exaggeration but you get the hormonal rage

Plus I bled very very heavily for 6 weeks after. Breastfeeding is painful and hard for the first 6-8 weeks (I'm painting a lovely picture aren't I?)

Your DH is an arse for having a go at you. He needs to apologise.

When YOU are ready, both sets of families can come and see YOU and the baby. The baby isn't some trophy to take off and show.

This is all about you. You're the one going through the pregnancy and birth, so you decide when you're ready to allow visitors. I would only say, just make sure it's equal on both sides and both sets get to visit.

Good luck with the birth OP, I hope it goes well and your recovery is quick. There's years ahead of family being involved.

The OP quite clearly states she expected and is fine with his family seeing baby BEFORE Christmas and new year. She'd just rather spend the Christmas period at home!
I have no idea why people are hammering the OP for not allowing his family to meet the baby until new year when that isn't at all what she said. People are projecting and not bothering to read. Or are reading and just ignoring the bits that don't support their AIBU "bollock them regardless" mentality.

It seems to me that at this stage you are not saying no to a visit but simply that you don't know how you will feel at that stage or how things will be going and that you don't want to make a commitment in advance.
One month after my son's birth things were going very badly. We did have family visit us but I don't think we would have been able to visit them, and I am grateful that nobody pressured me to make any decisions in advance.
I also recall how emotional I felt one month before the birth. It's generally a time when we want our partners to be supportive and to accept that actually we are not feeling at all reasonable! Some mothers-to-be are taking it all in their stride. Others (or maybe it's just me?) are, for whatever reasons, frightened, a hormonal mess, and not able to plan a post-baby future.
My own rather limited experience as mother of one has taught me that making plans is not necessarily always the best idea, since almost every plan I have tried to make has ended up being subverted by events or circumstances! As far as I can see, all bets are off where birth and young babies are concerned!
It occurs to me also that at this exciting and important time your DP is possibly also feeling nervous about what is to come (perhaps for very different or personal reasons), hence his high emotions. Also, Christmas seems to be a time (I say seems as I am Jewish and therefore don't have the pressures or joys of Christmas) when emotions and family issues are at their most intense. Perhaps he feels intensely about the need for you all to visit his family. Perhaps, as others have implied, he feels that the baby is somehow not wholly accepted as being his too unless his family are involved.
My thoughts are that maybe you could ask his permission to speak directly to his parents so you remove him from any possible position as go-between. Perhaps you could explain to them that your husband is extremely keen for you to arrange to stay with them between Christmas and New Year, that you hope they know how much you love them and what great grandparents you know they will be, that in theory you would also absolutely love to come to stay, but that you are feeling nervous about life after the birth, and you don't want to disappoint them by committing to something which may for some reason (which you can't predict right now!) not happen - because right now you have no idea how you will be feeling or coping so soon after the birth (and from my perspective, one month is soon). Maybe you could discuss the option of them visiting you instead, and think with them about how that might be possible given your small living space. Maybe you could also be open with them about worrying that wanting to stay home may seem selfish or partisan. Maybe you could arrange some things for very soon after the birth... Skype? Some special way of involving them?
Above all I am concerned that you and your husband need each other at this time. I may be old fashioned (and unreasonable myself) here, but my view is that your job is going to be to be primary caregiver to the baby and his job is to support and enable you to do your job. That's often a difficult transition for partners to make because it does seem to sideline them in the newly triangulated relationship. It's often a time of great tension for couples. Do you think that talking to some sympathetic outsider would help? Do you have a really great midwife or someone else (therapist? friend?) whom your husband would trust to be a listening ear for his woes, your worries, and also to help you both to reconnect?

I think this group is being really hard on you and I am sending you a big hug. Personally, I wish I had done much less than I had and taken the time to grow into being a parent. There is such a rush for everyone to see the baby and hold it (where are these people once the kids get older???). Sometimes people forget how draining the whole thing can be. I think it is unfair to have anyone drive 1.5 hours and then 1.5 hours back again. Invite them for a visit, yes with a time limit, but for once in our lives let a new mum not be stressed. I support new mums in breastfeeding and many times they come in with 4, 6 and 8 week old babies that are still requiring support. Don't put extra pressure on a new mum. You may find everything is fine and you can make the trip or you may find that you are all exhausted and feeding is a problem. What you could do is invite them for a visit or a couple of hours with take away food once you actually have had the baby and seen how it goes. Or you can say, we will let you know closer to the date. As for your husband, he may be feeling very stressed and worried about what is coming up. I am not excusing his behaviour , but try to see from his perspective and try to compromise baring in mind that you don't even have a baby yet.

My DD1 was due 28Nov, I went nearly 2 weeks overdue, had to be induced then had an emergency CS and she was a bit poorly and spent a few days in NICU - so we were only just out of hospital in time for Christmas and really couldn't have managed much more than a quiet Christmas and New Year at home, just the 3 of us. And the weather was bad, so we wouldn't have risked travelling with a newborn anyway. Both sides popped in for short visits, even those who are an hour away. Also if you are BF the baby will need to be with you, as they feed so frequently at first. My DH did try to give me a night off over Christmas, but baby was having none of expressed milk from a bottle (and never would). Your DH probably hasn't even thought of any of those possibilities. On the other hand, things may go well and all on time and you may be ready for a visit - but is there really any need to make firm plans now.

I'm sorry but I think yrbu - if the shoe was on the other foot - wouldn't you be upset and want your family to have some idea of when they will see the baby?

You are not bu!!!

1. he can't take the baby anywhere without you. The baby needs mum, especially if you are BF. The baby knows you and will only want to be with you.

2. I would compromise, say they can come to you after xmas if they bring you guys dinner 😁 That's what we did with my in laws and they where very happy with that arrangement.

3. he needs to be way more sensitive of your needs! You must be tired and hormonal, it's hard work growing a baby. He needs to understand that your feelings come first and foremost at the moment. So you tell him from me he better get his priorities straight. ;)

Good luck

Exactly Lubi.

God some of these replies are amazing!

For a start you have no idea what day you will give birth, whether it will be natural or a section. If the latter then again you will have no idea how you feel!

I would play it by ear, just say if you are all up to it you will try and go up and visit them, but if you are not up to it they are welcome to come down and visit.

I had a very easy birth with my first child and drove for 8 hours from London to Scotland when she was 4 days old, and while some people don't see this as a big deal others were horrified!

Ignore the negatives YANBU everyone feels different when they have a child and only you will know what you are capable of, good luck with the birth!

I can see where he is coming from.

Can you book a meal for his family - all 11 plus yourselves? That way, you don't have to host, everyone can see the baby and you don't have to travel either. If you are not up to it nearer the time, feel free to cancel. Having said that, I was really ill after DC1 but still 13 members of DP's family rocked up at once. They knew I was upstairs with the midwife, knew I was struggling, knew I wasn't showered or dressed etc. Instead of buggering off (30mins away) they stayed and waited for me. Was NOT impressed but we all survived.

One thing against the meal out idea - if you are breastfeeding, you might not have mastered the technique sufficiently to feel confident bf'ing in public at 2-4wks. But you may have. Or you may use formula. Who knows!

I suspect this is all a bit due to the stress of impending fatherhood. Once your baby is here you will both feel different and he may chang his mind completey..
To be honest, it is the easiest age to transport a baby and if she is a settled one (fx she is!) then actually if you get the family visits out of the way early it ticks a lot of boxes. She will still be so tiny and just sleeping and eating that visiting people will be easier than when she is a few months old and on more of a sleep schedule or feeding times or whatever. I never appreciated how trasnportable they were under 3months old
So basically i would relax and try not to discuss it again until she is here. He is obviously worried about the whole thing and this is something he can try and control in this crazy time so he is grasping on to it!
He will probably forget about it after the birth and you can then work it out together.
Having people over to you is WAY MORE stressful by the way!!
good luck.....

Whilst it sounds like a miscommunication issue to me, you aren't being unreasonable. You have no idea how you'll feel and you shouldn't have to commit to anything until you've got your baby home and have an idea of how things are going. My baby born this year was a week late and was then in hospital for 3 weeks so if that happened to you (I'm sure it won't) you'd still be in hospital. You're the thing that matters most at the moment and he shouldn't be threatening to take the baby away alone when she's so young. She will need her mother, especially if you're going to breastfeed. That said, his family are entitled to see the baby too and are rightly excited about it. Can't you just agree to try to see them between Christmas and Nee Year if all goes well, and if you don't feel like it at the time, as soon as possible thereafter? It's likely your baby will sleep all the way there and back in the car.... Good luck. I'm sure your partner is just feeling the pressure of becoming a father and not communicated well.

I don't think you are being selfish or unreasonable at all. I have had similar battle every pregnancy. I've had three children my in laws live 2.5 hrs away.

I don't see you should have travel and stay there just 2-4 weeks after the birth. You may be really tired, still establishing feeding and bleeding. They can easily pop over and see the new arrival. Earliest I have gone to stay with inlaws is 6-8 weeks after, they visited a few times after the birth.

My hubby stamped his feet about this initially and we had an awful argument the day before I was being induced. He was very sorry afterwards. I just don't think they realise how you may feel for the first few weeks after giving birth.

Good luck with your new arrival. Don't be guilt tripped either x

Wow you are def bu, baby is just as much his as it is yours, and why isn't he allowed to take the baby anywhere? If you don't want to leave the house for a month after its born then why can't he take her? I feel for him, he must feel like you are totally excluding his family

There is NO WAY I would have been able to drive an our and a half a month after either of my c-sections ... the second of which was 10 days late!

I feel sorry for your husband. I think you are being the inflexible, unreasonable one. He swore at you in anger and immediately apologised to saying he shouldn't have said it but you are now running with that and over-egging his ridiculous threat that he will take the baby to see his parents on his own. Crying over him threatening to take her from me. Of course he wouldn't! It sounds like he reached the end of his tether with your attitude about his family. Yours will see the baby within a day or two, I'd ne amazed if they didn't. But you want to defer his from visiting until 6 weeks later, after the new baby buzz, after all the Christmas festivities, then and only the. Are they allowed to be considered.

Just so you understand I am not one for visiting too soon, I didn't let anyone visit for two weeks with dc2 as dc1 had been ill and it freaked me out? But you can't possibly think you are being reasonable? Your bleating about don't want to commit to a date. Of course you do do this? How can you know which one is suitable? But agreeing they can come at a mutually convenient time before Christmas is the only kind thing to do. If too many come, then then come st different times.

What happens when you have a boy and his overly precious wife decides you won't see your grandchildren for weeks after the birth? Because if you are this controlling, my guess is your DIL will find you hard work.

Stop being so precious. This is his baby too and he just wants to show it off to his family as you do.

1) he can't take the baby anywhere without you. The baby needs mum, especially if you are BF. The baby knows you and will only want to be with you.

What absolute hysterical bollocks.

YABU
Why are your family special when his are equally important?

I've had a similar argument with my husband over when to visit family when it was our 2nd child. His Mum was putting pressure on us to travel 2.5 hours in a car to go to a family gathering, when our 2nd child was 6 weeks old. No special occasion, just lots of family in one place so MIL thought we should be there. I have a suspicion the date of the family gathering was even fixed exactly 6 weeks after my due date because the MIL seemed miffed when we said we wouldn't go, and said something about how she had arranged it thinking I would be fit to travel by then. Husband initially said if I wouldn't go then he would take 6 week old baby and our 3 year old boy for a weekend away to this thing! I pointed out how would he even manage if I was breastfeeding and couldn't be separated from baby? He said I could express enough and he would take milk with him! Such was his determination not to let his Mum down and a desire to show off the baby. I was furious and incredibly hurt too. So you're not being unreasonable at all. I said to my husband that if he thought he could look after a newborn baby and a 3 year old by himself for 2 nights then he must be better at parenting than I thought etc. He saw sense when I pointed out practicalities off it and told his Mum we wouldn't be coming. It went down like a lead balloon but we made up for it since by going to other family events as my daughter got past 3 months. 3 weekends in a row ato one point!
Just tell husband he isn't thinking through the practicalities of taking a baby away from its Mum and it's unfair to you to be put through that when it's so soon after giving birth. Get the relatives to visit you or offer to Skype early on after coming out of hospital. Or meet half way 45 mins down the road at a park or somewhere like that. Use the excuse of babies not being meant to be in car seats for more than an hour too! (Google it. Am sure baby died in USA recently from that. )

Blokes are insensitive about these things. Don't panic that this is what he will always be like as a father. Think it's male pride about wanting to show off your baby and wanting to please his folks too.

At this stage just have loose plans, you don't know how you will be 4 weeks after the birth. You may be fine and able to travel or you may not! You might even be overdue by a week! Try to treat both sides of the family as equally as possible. The best plans sounds like you being at your parents and DH parents visit, it is definitely easier for them to travel than a newborn. Definitely don't let DH take the baby on his own, even if you're not BF. It's an emotional time and you won't want to be parted. Good luck with everything.

There might be 11 of them but they don't all have to visit together. I personally think your partner sounds like a pig anxiety or not this isn't about him it's about you and the baby. How does he propose to feed the bay if its breast fed?

It's coming up for 20 years since I had my first, but she was born December 2 (due on November 21) so a very similar timescale to yours OP. From what I remember:

We had visitors on and off right up to Christmas.

I couldn't sit down properly for two weeks.

DP and I went to a party mid December and left DD with grandma. ( ) she was completely fine.

We all went to DP's mum for Christmas Day - an hours drive. I had wine.

We had a big NYE party at ours and DD slept right through from just after midnight until 6.30am, which was

What a lovely time it was. Happy memories.

Can they not come to you?