Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

Am I the only one thinking that if someone had offered to take their first baby out for a whole day at 4 weeks old giving me time on my own (assuming they were bottle fed, breast fed obviously non-starter) they would have bitten their hand off?

I'm still feeling wistful at the idea of sleeping a whole day to myself at that stage and my oldest is 12!!

Redsky I did not thank anyone who wanted to take my baby at 4 weeks. If someone wanted to "help" they could have helped around the house, did my shopping, made my dinner, watched my baby while I had a nap. However taking my tiny newborn out the house not a welcome offer.

The more I think about it the more I think you would be classed as cruel if you tried to take puppies from their mum at 4 weeks nevermind a baby.

That's fair enough that you didn't want anyone to take your newborn out MrEBear . I'm just pointing out that not all mothers (me) will necessarily think that way.

I don't disagree some mums are ok with it but the point is nobody really knows how they are going to feel until they are in that situation. The Op has no idea if she would be ok with it or not but at the moment she is stressed by the idea of being separated from her baby.

That's the point I was making! I just don't want OP to rule it out as hugely unreasonable and never going to happen, when in fact she might quite like the idea when the time rolls around.

My issue with it is that he said it as a threat, not in a nice way. You're right, I have no idea if I might need some time alone but, yes, the thought of it really distressed me.

Be honest, you are looking for excuses not to go before the baby is even here! And if so, why? Do you not like his family? Why is it a given that you will see yours but not his?

Not read whole thread but think you are wise to want to wait. My first was an unhappy baby in pain, my second screamed throughout car journeys. If his family want to see the baby, they visit you. They don't expect a possibly tired new mum to travel with a possibly screaming newborn for 90 sodding minutes,make polite social chat and then spend 90 mins going back with a s reaming baby.
Honestly, the idea of expecting a new mum, especially a first time new mum to put herself out like this just makes me want to scream FUCK OFF.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want to make plans yet. I wasn't up to travelling for an hour and a half (remember that's only one way, plus time there), a month after giving birth - mainly because of the side effects of medication I had to take that made me feel very ill.

We have a small house, people came in small groups to visit us, stayed for a couple of hours then went home - and dh family live four hours drive away.

I think a lot of new mums would not want their new baby an hour and a half away from them (by car).

They may want someone else helping or watching the baby. Lots of people I know breastfed so being so far away early was not really possible. Which I think can be a good thing.

I think the family coming to you is best idea mum. They do not need to come en masse. They do not need to stay long.

One idea world the would come for an hour or so of tea and biscuits then go home perhaps doing something fun on the way back.

I'd probably suggest really keen ones, like new granny and grandad, pop out for a bite and come back before heading off.

Please encourage your dh not to offer to cook for them! And anything other than sandwiches would not be on offer chez Greyhound!

As far as plans for post Christmas go, I'd say we will see. Personally, as I said before, I did a similar journey within a couple of weeks of leaving hospital after C section and infection (very rare) and it was fine BUT op, really it is up to you. You will be recovering from a natural but demanding event, your dh will not be, so you get final words!

And if he said the words harshly, as a threat, to take baby without you, he needs to apologize for that even more than for swearing. It is not on.

I think I would go with everyone comes to you sort of thing - hubby can be incharge of refreshments and you can sit there and ration baby. I def wouldn't be traveling anywhere till the new year - too much paraphernalia and too much bother with a newborn especially not knowing how the birth will go etc. Its not feasible to take the baby without Mum and in this stage I think needs of M& Baby take precedence over MIL and FIL. They want to see tiny baby they visit you

Chill.

Yes it may be his baby too but when you've incubated the baby in your own body for months and months, with all the discomfort that goes with pregnancy, most mothers get to feel a bit proprietorial and very protective of baby and of their own well-being. Your DH was very insensitive OP. Try not to let it become a big issue now. Deal with it after the baby's birth. Your DH will soon realise how tiring having a newborn baby is!

Totally agree with you.
As the mother of 2 son's, I would be very upset if I was told I had to wait a month to see my grandchild while the girls family saw them almost immediately.
The grandchild is important to both families

That should read. YABU. I totally disagree with you, not agree

YABU. Your family IS his family. Your parents do not trump his. Visiting your family a month after you've given birth is not unreasonable.

There is no way on this earth your partner should be taking your baby away from you for any period of time like this, just don't let him do it.
I would however all go to visit his parents together, it saves all the stress and hassle.

YABU. No he shouldn't have sworn at you but you are being unfair.
WE took our second baby to se my parents on boxing day and she was just over two weeks old and we also had a toddler, It was an hour and a half drive away,
It will be fine tking a month old baby that far,

You aren't being selfish. You are all the baby knows and will need feeding every three hours at that stage anyway. For your husband to say that he is being a dick and has no clue about how much a small baby needs his mother. I want to shout at him for you.

His family can come over when you are ready and not before. I wish that we had closed borders for a lot longer with ds and if there is another I want at least 10days just our family.

Are you sure he isn't actually upset about something else. I hope he apologises properly. The moment about taking the baby away from you is just ignorant.

A month is a long time for a new grandparent to stay away! A new baby in the family is really important. Expect to be visited - and plan to make this work for you.

When your baby (perhaps a son) grows up and has his first child - will you not want to get to know the baby as soon as possible?

Travel might be fine. I found that a breast-feeding baby was very portable and I was happy to be fed and looked after on visits. Being cut-off and lonely is often a problem for new parents.

I think you have to wait and see how things go. Your DH won't feel any differently (physically) than he does now, but you will. It's perfectly reasonable for him to want his family to meet the new baby, and the journey won't take too long. Ideally, they should come to you in the first place. I haven't RTWT, so don't know if they're infirm and can't travel. Good luck with everything!

You comment on the reassurance of having your family close by. Your husband may need the reassurance of his family being around.

We took our 12 week old daughter to the United States to meet family, and stayed four days.Its no big deal.

YA SOOOOO NOT BU !!!!
Let them come to you - you don't know how you'll be feeling and you might just want to stay home xxxx

His family can come over when you are ready and not before.

And her family will be similarly debarred from seeing the baby too, in the interests of parity ?

I'm not sure I understand why your parents should see the baby and not his parents? I had both sets of grandparents visit the hospital as soon as we rang them (DT's were 3 weeks early and kept in for 2 weeks) - I couldn't wait to show them off. Other relatives and friends visited over the coming days and weeks. When they were a month old (2 weeks after they left hospital) we drove nearly 3 hours so that DH's grandparents could see them - they weren't well enough to travel to us but cried when they held their great grandchildren - I will never forget giving them that pleasure.