Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

I've tried to read the thread, please do not make a rigid plan to visit every month, see how it goes.

re "mum2Bomg Sun 23-Oct-16 09:27:57
LittleLionMansMummy - that's kind of spot on. No one has told me anything positive about having their first. I've heard only negative stories and lists of what's shite about it."

I loved having my first, adored it! I had a complicated birth and infection (very rare) and I still loved it.

It is magical, it was fabulous, I remember bits of it now. But it was also hard, sleepless nights all that. My top, top tips are.

Sleep when baby sleeps.
Breast feed if you can, if it so much easier than bottles
and don't do any housework you can avoid
And take loads of photos and savor it, it goes so fast. It is the most amazing time in my life (and I've travelled the globe) it is unbeatable.

Be happy.

holyjoe.org/poetry/hamilton.htm

The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
For children grow up, as I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.

Night, night.

I think you've had a hard time OP. You're heavily pregnant and basically he should just be being supportive. You have no idea as to age baby will be or how you will be feeling. Don't feel pressured to be some kind of superwoman after giving birth. Some women do have very easy births others don't. I've had three sections and recovery was very different every time. Some babies are easier to recover with as well and you have no idea what your baby will be like. Speak to MIL she sounds nice, I'm sure as its only an hour and a half your DP's parents can drive to you to see the baby. No need for everyone to be there. But at this stage I wouldn't make firm plans.

At 4 weeks post birth with my 1st, I was still struggling to establish breastfeeding, which I only managed to establish with love and support from DH and our families. We weren't driving anywhere other than the hospital to get sign off after difficulties regaining birth weight. Relatives should visit you, unless they are genuinely unable to. That said, having relatives in your house pp can be trying, so maybe a b&b or a hotel nearby? Your DH needs to be supportive and not force you into plans at this early date. It is totally unknown what is about to happen to you. With DC2, I was happy to go on a 6 hour drive at 6 weeks, but she was such an easy child, unlike DC1...

I'm sorry, but you would see a very different side to me, if you expected my family to wait 6 weeks to see our first child and they only lived 90 minutes away. I would be furious.

I didn't really travel much after the birth of DS (C section) so everyone came to me in the first 3 weeks to see DS. I was looking forward to some 'family' time, but that also included my extended family and DH's family being able to come and visit DS.

Your DH is being very flexible - he said about visiting his family sometime between Christmas and New Year. That is not a firm time and date and it's still 4 weeks after the baby is born. They should be popping round your house for an hour in the first week or so of your baby being here, not having to wait 4 weeks!

Sorry, but I think you are being way too precious and your DH has reacted in the way he has because he is really annoyed at you being OTT.

I was due end Nov. She came late, had a section. Went to visit my parents and his parents both living two hours away in between Xmas and new year. Perfect. I think you are being rather precious.

Op he is being very unreasonable to suggest taking your baby away even for a day however hopefully he sees sense and realised that is unthinkable not to mention I'd like to think his mum would give him an earful if he even suggests the idea to her. Separating your from baby is mean. I wasn't ready to leave my baby until he was about 6 months even at that it was forced because I needed the dentist.

I'd be surprised if the ILs don't visit you when your baby is born. Your MIL sounds lovely and the sort to want to see you are ok too. I get the feeling she's likely to turn up with a casserole or something. The whole family don't need to visit at the one time even if PIL visit first weekend and BIL the following weekend or something.

With regards to visiting them at Christmas that is a definite wait and see. You might feel up for it you might not. I travelled similar distance with DS at 4/5 weeks, travelled there by train fairly stress free and back by car. Our 1.5 hours in the car ended up closer to 2.5 hours. we stopped for an hour for feed, change and ended up having food ourselves. I definitely wouldn't consider doing that as a day trip esp as you have to remember the current guidelines on how long is safe for newborns to be in car seats.
There was no pressure on me to take that trip I decided I was doing it a few days before I did it.

Can't believe some of the harsh comments on here. As a new mum to a 3 month old, YANBU! Newborns are bloody hard work, you have no idea how yours will be, how they'll sleep and how you'll be sleeping. I did struggle with postnatal depression made worse by the pressure of in-laws visiting immediately.
I'm not trying to scare you, just saying that when your little one enters the world everything will change. You're right - you and baby need to be your DHs focus not making his parents happy.
Also you don't know how your birth and recovery will go - it took me a full 2 months to recover from the birth with the internal work that needed to be done.
Your husband will have no idea what parenting entails until your baby arrives. He is acting selfishly - if the in laws are an hour and a half away then they can visit whenever is convenient for you.
Stand up for yourself. I wish i did more firmly.

I think everyone needs to accept that you don't know what to expect with birth. I had awful awful delivery that took 6 months to recover from. I literally couldn't walk.

With my second, I had a c section and it was totally different.

He obviously feels out of control and was really unkind. He needs to know it's unacceptable to swear at you but also you could reassure him that if you're not up to travelling his family can visit you instead.

I think you'd be a rare woman to not feel a bit apprehensive of protective of your baby. Xxx

YABU, an hour and a half is no journey at all. You may actually enjoy it after weeks of no sleep, the peace of the drive with a pretty much guaranteed sleeping baby during the journey and an excited family on arrival who will all be so keen to give you a rest for a day and make a big fuss of baby.

I know I used enjoy opportunities like this to just sit back and do bugger all.

Love the way other PPs are filling your head with horror stories! Great prep for being a new Mum. All these stories of complications and difficulties are the exception not the rule!
Chances are that everything will be just fine and if any last minute hiccups do arise, guess what?? - you can always change your plans!!

Of course, changing plans would apply just as much to the arrangements with your own family, wouldn't they? Otherwise, it would look very much like you were prioritising them over DH's (the father of the baby!!) family ...

I'm sure it will be great - enjoy your baby and ignore the doom and gloom merchants!

My parents live that far away and I still see them every week, I used to get the train with my son when he was 2 weeks old.

If you want to, you make time and make the journey, if you don't want to then you make excuses.

I think you are being really unreasonable and selfish

And LOL at the excuses on here of not knowing how you will be coping so you can't make plans based on that! You can always cancel them!

I've not read all the comments here, but She am shocked at some of them. This is a huge thing for OP. Her first baby. It is not helpful for people to say how after a week they were going on 10 hour car rides and climbing mountains. It is not relevant. This new mum needs t feel she can do things in her own time. Some people can get on with things, others need the security of home, their own routines, and quiet. There is no way I'd have planned to go elsewhere so soon, and no way I'd have wanted to. Establishing breastfeeding and routines, possibly recovering from birth etc. You don't know how things will go. Fine to say we'll try to arrange something, e.g. they come to you for a day, but no hard and fast plans. DH should be thinking of OP. It's not his body that's carrying the baby, or will give birth. He should be thinking of you, putting you first at this time. I can't believe anyone thinks it's reasonable for a dad to be to say he'll take the baby away himself, nor to think the OP is being unreasonable in being upset at this. Quite frankly, I'd have locked my husband out the house if he'd threatened such a thing. Being heavily pregnant can make you feel incredibly vulnerable OP, please ignore all the oh so competent people who seem to think giving birth to your first child is no more momentous than having your appendix out, or getting a pet rabbit. Hope you're able to resolve things with DH.

Tbh you are being ridiculous. Whether you are spending xmas st home or not there is no reason why you cant get in the car and travel an hour and a half to see his side of the family. In fact it eould frankly b v weird if they hadnt seen your baby before then given he or she will be four weeks by then. He no doubt swore because you are being a little controlling and precious. If u or baby turn out to be ill or cant travel then no doubt you wouldnt go but planning a visit based on assumption you will be fine us the normal and fair thing to do. How would you feel if your dp refused to visit your family? It is also his child. He shouldnt have sworn at you but you need to relax and stop being so rigid.

You are being very unreasonable. You have decided to stay at home and only see your family (why is it ok for them to see the baby?) and now don't want to discuss when you can see his! He's sworn at you because you're holding all of the cards and seem to be pushing him out. No-he should not have sworn, but people sometimes do when they're cross/upset etc -even me. He is feeling like his views don't matter.

Why can't his family come and see you?

You can't say that you want to stay at home seeing just your family as they are close and not see his family for a month and expect him to be fine with that.

I had a c/s on the 18.12 and we saw both families before Christmas-not for long but they saw the baby and all were happy.

Tbh you are being ridiculous. Whether you are spending xmas st home or not there is no reason why you cant get in the car and travel an hour and a half to see his side of the family
Oh read the thread fgs!

Why oh why do people think it's ok to skip twelve pages and then post their drivel without even knowing the thread has moved on and what OP has said.
Boils my piss

So many people telling OP it will be 4 weeks after the baby is born, have babies given up being overdue then? You're sure?

Read this thread during the night when my baby wouldn't settle

Thanks for the words greyhound

I stopped getting frustrated and instead slept with the baby in my bed for the rest of the night, holding hands. It was bliss

I'm glad this has moved on, I lurked all morning yesterday wondering whether to post.

My opinion is that you are being a little bit unreasonable, but I'm not sure I've ever met a pregnant woman who was rational throughout, so you can be forgiven.

I had a very easy labour with DC2, was home within 3 hours of giving birth, and was at soft play two days later (cabin fever for me and my 18 month old), but I NEVER would have predicted that. Make plans, it smooths the waters. Don't ever feel you can't cancel them nearer the time though when you actually know how you feel. A definitive "I can't do that at the moment as I feel like XXXX/DD is feeding too frequently to make the journey" is far easier to implement than a "I might be feeling a bit rubbish".

Wishing you all the best.

Well considering both mine where two weeks over due, that would leave you with a two week old. And while with my second I was happy to get out and about with my first after a complicated delivery I barely left the house for 6 weeks.

My inlaws also live a similar distance away and they all came to visit us. I couldn't have made that journey at 2 weeks due to stitches. It would have been to painful, my dad also visited us he's 4 hours away.

And no way would DH have taken either of the babies without me. I was breastfeeding for a start and I would have knocked his block off.

I don't undeterstand why your having such a hard time op and can't see why your in-laws can't come to you.

I don't think women should have to feel like they should be doing stuff so soon after having a baby unless they want to. They certainly shouldn't be separated from their newborn either.

Keep it flexible. You don't know how the birth will go or how you'll feel. I wouldn't have been up for a 90 min car journey until 4-5 weeks after the birth, as I had a pretty bad time of it.

I would talk to everyone involved and say something along the lines of 'really excited and nervous about the new baby, obviously we don't know how the birth will go. We really want you all to see him/her when tiny but I dont want to make solid plans until he/she is here in case we need to stay in hospital or I'm a mess. Can we play it by ear? It might be easier for you guys to come to us .'