Visiting his family after birth AI really BU!???

[mum2Bomg]

DD is due on 29th November - our first baby. DH and I agreed to spend Christmas and New Year at home, close to my family and this was really reassuring. We decided together (I thought) that we would work out the right time to visit people/allow visitors). DH has now gone off on one, starting with stating that we will visit his family 'between Christmas and New Year' which makes no sense considering the last conversation we had. When I questioned this he implied that we had agreed this as otherwise when will HIS family get to see her!? I didn't appreciate the guilt trip and made that clear. He then said, 'Well, I'll take her on my own.'

Last night I tried to explain my confusion and ask why we would visit between Christmas and New Year when we had already decided to be at home, effectively meaning we would be visiting them even earlier than new year. Things got a bit heated and he told me to fuck off. He immediately apologised and said he shouldn't have said that. But AIBU in thinking he has actually:

1. Already started making me feel guilty about his parents not seeing her and she isn't even due until 29th November
2. Has threatened to take our new baby away without me (this has upset me A LOT!)
3. Sworn at me when I questioned our arrangements

I'm really upset by this and don't know what to do next. In laws live about an hour and a half away from us. I adore them but I have no idea how I will be feeling and this feels like HUGE pressure to commit to visiting now. I'm reeling!

Neither of you are being unreasonable as both of you are about to have a massive change in your lives and you both are feeling it. Obviously for you op the birth is looming huge.

Your dh shouldn't have sworn at you and unless I missed something you were planning to stay home and allow both 'sides' to visit you but not you visit them?

I can't see for the life of me why people are being so Nasty as you weren't planning on excluding anyone.

Visitors to the first new born though need to be filtered and invited and that's your dhs job to sort.

The silly comment that new borns only need mum as you will be breastfeeding is very stupid and presumptuous. My ds was a hands on dad from day 1 and my lovely dil bottle fed out of choice. Don't assume every mum wants to breastfeed.

Don't get upset op and honestly things will pan out after the birth and you should try to relax and not overthink things

I think OP is feeling overwhelmed with everything looming (sorry if you're not OP but I know my first child was a daunting prospect for me) - I don't blame you for being upset - he was being a complete shit .... he doesn't have to give birth, feed etc - he can just parade his dd around. I would speak to him and say he's not being fair and instead of making set arrangements, how about wait until after to see how you are/how baby is and if you feel like you want to go - does it have to be all planned and set in stone - can't you all just pop in one hour, one afternoon around then but without making a big deal and definite arrangement of it? By the way, if he tells you to f off again, tell him you may just do that - pig

I think you should not make hard and fast plans or really worry about those plans as you both will almost certainly feel different 1 month after your child is born! You may be glad of the hour and half journey when your baby will almost certainly sleep ! when the time comes. Your DH should not swear at you and you certainly put a stop to that. But I can see that he may be excited about showing off baby to family at Christmas. If you are not feeling like going on that journey when the time comes I would invite them to you.

On a practical note if you are breastfeeding you will find it hard to send your baby off with hubby to see his family. But as others have said you need to maintain fairness with extended family and the best thing is to make all extended family feel included so that you dont have problems between you and your husband at what will be a stressfull but really happy time in your life !

YABU! Why should his parents be a chore when yours automatically get to be there?

YABU but I do know where you are coming from. I wanted to be left alone after having a baby but for a few days not weeks, and I couldn't have excluded DPs family.

How would you feel if he said he didn't want members of your family to see the baby?

What a very first world problem. In some countries your family would be expecting you to put the baby on your back and carry on working.

Seriously though, it all sounds like a storm in a teacup which is being drummed up to Dad kidnapping the baby and OP not being able to do anything for weeks. It sounds to me like it was an argument that got a bit out of hand. OP's DH was probably frustrated because it is his baby too and OP is feeling emotional because she's pregnant and his remark hit a nerve. As a MIL, I'd hope I'd be able to see the baby as soon as possible (me doing all the travelling) and although I wouldn't make a fuss, I would feel hurt if DIL's parents were allowed to see their DGC and I wasn't.

Just agree to play things by ear and start trying to find more positive experiences with births rather than focussing on the negative. Think about the good things about having a little bundle rather than scaring yourself to death and if you find that difficult, have a chat with your midwife.

Storm in a teacup.

He probably assumed that his family would not be included in the 'spending time at home alone' scenario. Your family will see baby - and his should too. He may have thought that you were dismissing his family as not as important as your family - it's the way it came across to me from your post and I have no vested interest.

The swearing is not on if he doesn't usually but he's human and about to become a new dad. He's feeling the pressure just as much as you are. You get the support because you are obviously (visibly) pregnant. The dads can sometimes be forgotten by everyone around you.

Give him a break.

Also, 'own' your emotions. It's easy to say 'he/she made me feel' etc but actually - you make you feel. I find that if I take a step back do something else and then go over the conversation again in my head by myself, it's much less 'emotive'.

Very envious of the journey you're all about to embark on - huge congratulations. It's the best roller coaster ride of life!

YABVU. How would you feel if it was your parents who had to wait more than a month to see their grandchild, or if he forbid you to take the baby to see them? it sounds spiteful and mean. Do you have issues with the inlaws?

Seriously some poster need to get a grip with the "why your family and bot his family" bullshit.

Maybe because the baby isn't the one and only.important thing in all this? Maybe after going through a massive ordeal the op might just want her mum? I know I did!

Yes a grandchild is exciting and important, but a the mother doesn't just go away when a grandchild appears. Shes not there to provide your gc and then sit in the background while you clamour to get to her baby...

There is breastfeeding, sleepless nights, hormones to consider.

Some serious nightmare mils in the making on this thread...

I can see where you are coming from. But I also think as I have 3 sons how sad i would be if they had my grand child and the wife was happy for her parents to visit (or visit them) and not me. But having said that I would be happy to do the visiting and stay local as I know how hard babies are. So if you are happy for them to visit you (and sleep elsewhere) then I don't think you are unreasonable.

YABU - what about his family who will be super keen to meet the new addition? Christmas without having met her is one thing but seems mean to have to wait even longer. The baby will sleep all the way there and back and you can have a nice sleep in the car too.

Some serious nightmare mils in the making on this thread...

And some very precious DILs

I'd be pretty upset if any future DILs of mine felt like they needed to make plans to visit me a few weeks after due date, doing all the travelling themselves, even though they didn't want to! Even more upset if it was my son insisting on it.

The person who's just given birth shouldn't have to do any travelling she doesn't feel up to doing. Family can do the travelling to her.

Jeez some of you are harsh. Nowhere has the OP said she's banning the PIL from visiting. Of course her parents are treated differently, they live really close. The PIL live 1.5hrs drive away! Distance means they will be treated differently.

The only bit I can see that the OP being remotely unreasonable is if she doesn't get the in laws & family to come and visit them. FFS she'all have just had a baby, be shattered and adjusting to life with a newborn. They should be making all the effort to see their new grandchild!

hmm. I think you should read up, speak to midwife about real expectations of how active you may be after the birth. yes things can go wrong, but the chances are you will be up for an hour & half drive & be glad to get out to the house, & have MIL cook & coo over your beautiful baby;
Bring it on.
If you are unwell, or have any reason to cancel this provisional agreement, then you will just do so.
I think the real issue is that you have no idea what to expect & how mobile you will be, how hard you find it & are worrying.
Kiss & make up with H, explain your fears, it's only human.

Scrummy new babies :o)

Could his family stay in a B and B and visit. Although if you go to them you can leave when you are ready. I was young and had no experience of babies at all when I had my first son. I understand your anxiety. Your partner sounds stressed. Is it the impending responsibility?

I agree with chewing the cud. We had ours at home. We didn't have more than 3 complete days on our own in the first two weeks. everyone but me and my hubby seemed to be holding our baby. when people were there they held our lo so long hed fall asleep in their arms. it ate me up ...my milk took 10 weeks to come in properly. ..according to 1 MW and 2 x HV it was most likely because too many other people were with my lo, because I should have been allowed to have a day (11-4 at the latest) of one family, a day of the other then me and baby (gotta be fair!) my HV said just the stress can cause milk issues and if it was up to her, she'd tell all new mum's and dads to give each family a brief visit slot and then spend as much time just the 3 of you. otherwise dad is making tea all the time and not seeing mum's difficulties. .. dad needs to know it can up to 6 weeks to just to stop bleeding! ! i would prefer to be changing pads from both sides at home... mum needs to feel dad knows what he's doing and you are both caring for the baby and each other. once dad goes back to work. .he might regret not bonding as a small unit. why not concentrate on the 3 of you. everyone else will wait for their bonds - baby will just need mum and dad as much as possible xx good luck.

As a mil and a grandmother I would be fucking beyond furious if I knew either of my sons had told my pregnant dils to fuck off!!

And as a mil I wouldn't expect any dil of mine to travel to see me with s new baby or do anything except rest and maybe accept us for a very quick kiss visit bringing a casserole and presents and champagne!

No way would I want her stressed or upset.

Personally with my first I was breast feeding, very tired and prob not ready to see people for 4 or more weeks. I found everything very difficult. I think they should be popping to see you because if you are 2 weeks late baby will only be 2 weeks. You may end up with a section or be very sore afterwards with a difficult birth. I think it's fair enough to not want to put rigid plans in place till you know how you feel. Obviously his parents should be allowed to visit the baby after the birth though that is only right.

Also totally agree with above comment by a Mil.

I do not understand how people can say that you are BU!!

Family always visit the newborn first, not the other way around.
All sorts of unexpected things can happen during and after birth. What if the baby doesn't sleep well, has colic, struggles to feed or you are exhausted getting used to a new baby, have a c section...the list is endless. But obviously many here think an 1hr30min car ride is the answer. A new baby in a car seat for over an hour is the healthiest option clearly!! Honestly, people!

No one makes definite plans when the baby isn't even born as they never know what will happen or how they will be physically. Everyone is different.

Not wanting to be seperated from your newborn is not selfish and does not mean you are acting like the baby is just yours. I genuinely could not believe people have written this.

It is clear you are upset by his words and actions above all else. I suggest you give each other some space to calm down then try and talk about it diplomatically. Threatening to take your baby away is not ok even if he didn't mean it and make him see this. Hopefully it was just a moment of weakness and you will both sort it all out. Good luck xx

Poor OP. Ignore anyone on here saying YABU. You are definitely not. You cannot know when your baby will arrive, how she will arrive or how you will feel afterwards, physically or emotionally. You do not need to be pushed into making arrangements to drive anywhere. Whether your baby is born early or late she is still going to be tiny and an hour and a half is actually quite a long journey with a tiny baby. No one in my family or my Inlaws would have expected that of me within a month and more of my child's birth, some people have scarcely left the house for goodness sake. Tell your DH that his family are welcome to visit you at home and that's the end of the discussion. I'm sorry that he has been nasty to you during this vulnerable time. He may have all sorts of fears himself but they aren't really an excuse. Hope he sorts his head out and you are able to make peace. All the best with these last weeks of pregnancy and with your little girl.

I'm a grandma as well and I would also be furious if my son was making these arguements on my behalf.

No way would I expect someone with a tiny baby to travel to me unless they really really wanted to amd no way would I be making any plans of that nature, the baby could be late or unwell the mum could be unwell all sorts could happen that would make it very stressful for a new mum.

YABVU

An hour and a half drive isn't that bad a month after, I drove our daughter home from hospital 6 hours after giving birth and we live an hour and a half from the hospital. She slept the whole way, as did her dad. I was high on adrenaline lol.