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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

MIL regifted our gift and I've seen it

286 replies

Spindlewood · 22/10/2016 10:47

Sorry it's a m in law thread . I'm married and have a goodish relationship with m in law, not great but okay . I bought her last xmas a gift from us as usual and a little gift from our 2 children for her . It was a pair of oven gloves and matching tea towels , nice not naff design . Anyway I go for dinner last night at husbands cousins , see same oven gloves and don't connect that they are what I've picked out hence why I like them and compliment cousin . She said thanks " aunty spindlewood " bought them and they came with these and then shows me the matching t towels ! I know it's only £15 worth of gift but I'm annoyed about it and want to tell her I've seen them . Long line of recently irritating things by her , which I always let go but this one for some reason has irked me more than others . I am trying to have a word with myself to forget it but finding it hard ! What would you do ?

OP posts:
MrsMac74 · 23/10/2016 19:14

Mil recently re-gifted her gift back to us!!

Lartma2 · 23/10/2016 19:19

After my gran died I found a drawer full of gifts we had given her and some not even out of the box . First I felt a bit hurt- irrationally- but was more upset with myself for not really finding the right gift for her, though I thought them perfect. Later I just had to think that I tried to be thoughtful and she would have known that.
Your MIL could have regifted the oven gloves etc further from home and that would have been more tactful, but you would still have wondered why you weren't seeing them in her house. i don't think there's any point to saying anything about this, but you are indicating other small tensions so maybe time to have a more general chat to perhaps clear the air?

GreenPetal94 · 23/10/2016 19:28

I also found a drawer of our family's gifts at my late grandmothers. Really I'd rather she HAD regifted them.

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 23/10/2016 19:36

"Nobody wants oven gloves anf tea towels as presents really though do they, let's face it they are not good presents "

Yes. In fact I've told my parents if they ever go away and have the urge to buy me something and can't possibly resist the urge then to please buy me a tea towel as I will ALWAYS use tea towels.

I would be quite happy to never receive gifts again, there is nothing I really want, but still people insist on buying me things so I want things that I will actually use. I am asking for a steam cleaner for Christmas and vouchers so I can buy stuff for the house.

Also I don't see the problem with re-gifting, it's better than it sitting in a drawer or being thrown away. The pleasure is suppose to be in the giving.

RubbishMantra · 23/10/2016 19:37

My mother is an expert at re-gifting. For an engagement present, DSis received a bowl she'd spent aaages saving for as a teen, for parents wedding anniversary.

Instead of donating to charity shops, my mother would send us her unwanted stuff, including pants, that had been worn and washed so many times, the elastic was hanging out.

Once DSis got sent a pair of pants for her birthday, sadly the wrong size. When she took them to be exchanged for the correct size, the assistant informed her they'd not stocked those pants for about 5 years. Grin

A few years back, I bought my mother a silver necklace and bracelet set, very understated and wearable. Guess what I got for my birthday a couple of years later?

The best was one christmas, which I was spending with DSis. Parents had just sold their caravan, and were obviously having a clear out. My present was in a huge cardboard box, no original packaging. Inside, cushioned with newspaper, was an electric frying pan, which had scratches on the bottom, and smelled of grease. A note wafted out, "I thought I'd try it out first, it's marvelous!" DSis (who I was spending Christmas with) said she wasn't sure if I was going to laff or cry. Laff we did, almost wet ourselves. Grin

RubbishMantra · 23/10/2016 19:47

*...Oooh, DSis (lives abroad) told me there is a superstition, that if somebody re-gifts to the gift giver without acknowledging they're doing so, they (the re-gifter) has a curse of bad luck.

Bambamboo · 23/10/2016 19:48

I would of said something to her, I would never dream of doing something like that

Serialweightwatcher · 23/10/2016 19:59

So rude for some on here to say they wouldn't have wanted that gift/a gift should be for a person not the house etc - for goodness sake! The gift was a nice present and the MIL re-gifted it for her own reasons, but don't put the OP down for what she bought in the first place - so rude

cheval · 23/10/2016 20:11

I do the regifting thing all the time. I once even gave my ex something he'd bought for himself and had forgotten about! My kids do call me the grinch when it comes to Xmas, though. Maybe your Ma in law is like me. Don't worry about it, we're nice people when we step away from the stress of present buying,

Rainbunny · 23/10/2016 20:16

Sorry I have no problem with this OP, especially as the gift wasn't something extremely personal like a jumper you carefully knitted for 6 months or something. I understand your feelings but I'm sure at some point you'll receive a gift from her that you'll want to "regift" unless it's only my MIL who likes to give ugly 1950's decorative glassware as gifts... Mind you I don't regift those -they're too ugly to inflict on someone else!

One of my extended family loves to make and gift items like jam and preserved fruits etc... We've tried every which way to gently explain that we don't eat jam (and certainly not ten jars of it) without sounding ungrateful... no luck . We've just had to realise that we'll keep getting lots of homemade jam every year which makes it's way into the holiday food donation drive at my office each year.

nooka · 23/10/2016 20:20

I'm so glad that my family does lists so that I always know that the gifts I make or buy will be appreciated by the receiver. Household things are often featured, and I have asked for and given tea towels and oven gloves in the past. In fact this Christmas I am very likely to ask for oven gloves as my current pair are almost burnt through now. I really like that things I use every day are from family.

I only buy presents for my family, and leave dh's family to him (they have different traditions). If I were the OP I would be a bit sad, but also glad that they were obviously being appreciated by someone. Let your dh sort out presents to his parents in future though.

desertgirl · 23/10/2016 20:22

When I was young and my granny came for Christmas we had to get her things (generally consumables) that we liked as she would leave most of her stash with us. Even things she definitely liked and that weren't heavy. I do think that was taking it a bit far, but some reasonably discreet regifting to someone who would presumably enjoy the things seems fine to me.

Twinklecomic · 23/10/2016 20:39

Not sure if this is any consolation but I regift things I really like but think they would ultimately end up in some dusty corner of our house covered in cat hair Grin. I wouldn't ever regift anything I thought was tat as I wouldn't want anyone to think I bought rubbish gifts. So from my perspective it would be a compliment to the original giver (and a sad inditement on the state of our house).

Realitea · 23/10/2016 20:43

I re-gift my presents from MIL and give them to my Mum! I know if MIL isn't always easy to get on with it'll feel like the straw that broke the camels back but try to let it go. Re gifting is a good thing really. Better than letting it sit in the back of a cupboard. Then there might be a thread from you saying that you NEVER see it!

NoFucksImAQueen · 23/10/2016 21:00

I love nice oven gloves and tea towels and I hardy bake and I'm only 27 so I'm certainly not 1950's esque.
It annoys me that some people are saying it's the worst gift etc etc. For me a box of bath stuff would be the worst gift, it's all subjective isn't it.
Actually the worst gift was the pair of old lady slippers my dh's nan gave me last year. They'd clearly been bought for her and she decided she didn't want them Grin
I regifted them to my nan. Don't have an issue with regifting but as others have said I'd make sure it wasn't likely to be seen. I remember dnan showing me the lovely digital photo frame my dad had given her for Christmas... the photo frame I'd bought him for that same Christmas. Never sent his presents early again Grin

Thingamajiggy · 23/10/2016 21:00

YABU. What the hell do you so with a gift like that but re-gift it? If you receive something you don;t like or want, you accept it graciously but then you cannot be expected to keep it cluttering up your house. Maybe she was equally irked that you have so little idea of her taste? It's not exactly an inspired gift!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 23/10/2016 21:07

I would be quite miffed too OP, but then I feel bad if someone buys me something that I won't use/don't like and I couldn't regift it. If DCs get duplicate presents, I buy it off them and give it to a friend instead but I always take note of who gave it. She shouldn't have given it to someone in the family, knowing that you could see it. It smacks of 'I don't like your present and I don't care if yo realise I got rid of it'.

I used to make suggestions for my MILs presents. After seeing her ungrateful reactions to most things she is given, I now have no input and she gets a tenner in a card from DH or a box of milk tray. Her own fault. She likes gardening, we bought a little herb garden thing she could put on her kitchen windowsill, her response was "what am I supposed to do with that" that's the first birthday of hers I saw. Another time we gave her a professional photo of her DGC in a frame, it went on the side under a pile of magazines (this was months later I saw it there), another time her SDD gave her some lovely hand luggage as she went on holiday a lot, it matched with the luggage SDD gave to her dad, MIL made a face and complained it was smaller than her husbands, same SDD also gave her some lovely suede gloves, MIL made it clear she didn't like them either. I find her rude and ungrateful.

Just leave all presents to your DH. MN is far from the real world, I expect there are women who would like a present like that and not assume it meant it was the 1950s. I have just received a very nice toiletries bag from DH for my birthday. Ok it was on my wishlist but I'm chuffed with it.

NoFucksImAQueen · 23/10/2016 21:14

It's not about the money - £15 could have bought a nice scarf, some toiletries, socks, book, and a dozen other things. By buying something for the kitchen, it's perceiving the woman in a domestic role not as a person in their own right.

I have a box of scarves I never remember to wear and I hate toiletry sets. Honestly I'd prefer the gloves and tea towels more than the stuff you've listed there.
Again it's personal preference so I wish people would stop acting like it's a blanket rule.
I'm also an avid feminist, id still love the bloody tea towels because they're useful unlike the 20 odd toiletry sets in the cupboard . I wouldn't see it as a slight, especially alongside a nice expensive gift id asked for

deelishiS0 · 23/10/2016 21:22

I just hate the word "regifting"

user1476387029 · 23/10/2016 21:33

😂😂😂🙌🏼🙌🏼👏🏼

OrangeKitchen · 23/10/2016 21:42

YANBU. If she had to 'regift' then it should have been discreetly. To a non-family member. It's almost as though she wanted you to see that she'd given your gift away!!
Also nothing wrong with tea towels and oven glove as a gift.

MerryMarigold · 23/10/2016 22:14

It's almost as though she wanted you to see that she'd given your gift away!!

Do you all come from dh's family? They seem to be able to create offence/ disharmony and family strife from nothing! Glad they are not my family

user1476387029 · 23/10/2016 22:23

Hang on a minute; how do you know that they weren't ones she loved so much that she went and re bought them for your DH cousin?!
Don't jump to the most spiteful thought that you perceive to be the truth

SuzieQ99 · 23/10/2016 23:35

Some people like getting kitchen gifts. Nothing wrong with that at all. We all like different things. Sometimes it's nice to just get something practical and useful so that we don't have to buy it ourselves. The OP did put some thought into this. It was a gift from her kids to their grannie who bakes. Seemed like an appropriate small gift to me!

Beanie3 · 24/10/2016 01:04

Ask your children to make something for her. A nice painting (even a nice splogey one in a decent frame looks good), a collage or even a cake.
For a whole heap of good reasons from morals to finance, this works on all levels. Not only will your children be able to take pride in producing something worthy of being a gift, but they will also learn that it's not all about the cost.
My daughter gave her dad her hand prints every year for Father's Day. She did twelve years worth and they hang along our hall in age order. They are admired by all, my husband is still chuffed that the prints were done specially for him and my daughter has come to realise that one of the best presents she gave, cost nothing and is still talked about now.
If that doesn't convince you then ask yourself what granny wouldn't be as proud as punch to get a gift made by her grandchildren?

Best of luck