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Original poster

MIL regifted our gift and I've seen it

286 replies

Spindlewood · 22/10/2016 10:47

Sorry it's a m in law thread . I'm married and have a goodish relationship with m in law, not great but okay . I bought her last xmas a gift from us as usual and a little gift from our 2 children for her . It was a pair of oven gloves and matching tea towels , nice not naff design . Anyway I go for dinner last night at husbands cousins , see same oven gloves and don't connect that they are what I've picked out hence why I like them and compliment cousin . She said thanks " aunty spindlewood " bought them and they came with these and then shows me the matching t towels ! I know it's only £15 worth of gift but I'm annoyed about it and want to tell her I've seen them . Long line of recently irritating things by her , which I always let go but this one for some reason has irked me more than others . I am trying to have a word with myself to forget it but finding it hard ! What would you do ?

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 22/10/2016 12:53

you still gave her a gift. you gave her the gift of time (not having to choose and buy a present) and the gift of approx £15 to spend on something else she likes.

ItShouldHaveBeenJessCastismas · 22/10/2016 12:55

I'm sticking with pastel. It's not about the re-gifting, per se; it's about who you re-gift it to - a little bit of diplomacy and tact in the choice of recipient means no-one has to know you weren't too thrilled with your present.

I really want to write 'Simples!' but I despise those damn meerkats

2kids2dogsnosense · 22/10/2016 13:00

you never buy a man household goods so why is it okay for a woman???

^^ This ^^

ChocolateWombat · 22/10/2016 13:14

I think it's a ccepted that the re-gifting to somewhere in the same social circle was insensitive.
What do people think though about the Op feeling like she wants to mention it to MiL - I think this is the crucial bit of her post.

Liiinoo · 22/10/2016 13:19

To the people saying you never buy men household goods...well yes, actually I do.

I don't routinely buy gifts for adults on birthdays or at Christmas (see my many posts ranting about the pointless ritual exchanges of tat). But if I am out and about and see something I think another person will love I will buy it for them. If that is a few weeks before their birthday or Christmas I might save it for the day, but normally I would give it as a surprise, random gift next time I saw them.

For male friends and family such random gifts have included a ceramic garlic grater, a knife sharpener, mini individual meat thermometers and a porcelain coffee filter. Oh and a really clever measuring jug. As far as I know all were well received but may have been regifted when my back was turned.

DixieWishbone · 22/10/2016 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisypond · 22/10/2016 13:31

I've just reread the bit where OP said the gift was actually from the GC. I do think that now puts a bit of a different spin on it. If the GC had gone out and carefully chosen that present for granny, I do think that's a bit mean for the MIL to regift it. Mine would never have done that.

Liiinoo · 22/10/2016 13:56

Daisypond. The op says she bought a gift as usual and a little one from the DCs. So its not as if the DCs saved up their pocket money and chose it specially for granny. I doubt very much they knew what it was.

daisypond · 22/10/2016 14:13

No, I'm not assuming the DC bought it with their own money, but they might have had a say in choosing it. And even if they didn't, did they perhaps hand it to her on Christmas Day as "their" gift? I just know that my DM wouldn't have regifted something from her grandchildren. I don't know why it feels different, regifting from a grown-up or from a child, but it does. I think it's because with a child you're teaching them about the greater value of giving a gift in the first place.

glueandstick · 22/10/2016 14:17

Household gifts annoy me. The inlaws do it all the time. Husband will get something lovely and useful for him- nice gloves etc. I get a bloody peg bag.

Corialanusburt · 22/10/2016 14:19

OP knows her MIL better than we do. She knows the spirit in which the regifting was done. I can see why you're hurt Op. No harm was done but she was careless with your feelings.

BowieFan · 22/10/2016 14:27

I'd rather them actually be used by someone. We've done this - relatives have bought us something not to our tastes and we've regifted to someone who'd love it. It's saved us money, it's actually getting used and less packaging waste too.

eddielizzard · 22/10/2016 14:32

actually i don't think it was a crap gift. you were clearly trying to be thoughtful. i would say something, but not necessarily that you know she did it but enough to make her uncomfortable like:

oh we were at cousin's house last weekend and i was absolutely thrilled to see she had the same oven gloves as the ones i gave you! shows we have good taste eh? Smile

but don't fgs be sarcastic

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 22/10/2016 15:47

For those who think the re-gifting is rude, it's no ruder than someone who buys a gift for you but who cba to put any thought into it.

I do re-gift stuff, but carefully. Not where it might be seen by the original giver. Because the proper thing to do when given a gift is to give thanks graciously and not make a fuss about it.

But I'm not going to clog up my storage spece to keep gifts I don't want or won't use. I do think about the person I intend to give a gift to, I don't just give anything to anyone.

Nerris · 22/10/2016 15:52

OP i would've been a smite hurt by it as the chances were you would see them being used by mutual family and realise she didn't like them. Not a great move on her part IMO.

Personally i would mention it, but then I'm clearly more petty than everyone else here!

Firsttimer82 · 22/10/2016 15:59

God I represent all the time! Pass it on, pass it on.

Although my mother bought a beauty nightie for my Nan one year (an expensive brand) and Nan gave it back to her for xmas.

I thought that was bit much.

Oven gloves and tea towels are a crap present though, even for a MIL.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 22/10/2016 16:02

No, don't say anything to make your MIL feel uncomfortable about re-gifting. That would be really rude, when in none of your posts do you indicate that the gifts were accepted with any other than thanks.

And the only poor thing done here was that MIL re-gifted a bit close to home. But then, she may have forgotten who actually gave the gift in the first place. Which is easily done if time has passed between receiving and regifting something.

ChocolateWombat · 22/10/2016 16:22

Cut the MiL some slack. She's been a bit insensitive....but that is it....it's not a big deal or crime of the century. Certainly not worth mentioning and creating bad feeling about. This is a relationship which needs to carry on into the future. I think the OP will be able to enjoy the relationship more into the future if she can get over this and forget it, rather than dwell on it, and certainly if she can avoid saying something which will spur the relationship. I'm interested to know if she is really spoiling for a fight (Op does mention feeling annoyed with MiL over a few things recently) and this is just the thing to spark it? Wouldn't it be better for all if OP a can just cut MiL some slack, get over past annoyances and feel more positive towards the family....Christmas is coming up after all, with all the scope for family irritation - isn't it better to approach that feeling calm and generous in spirit, not cross and irritated before it's even begun?

I expect we've all done slightly insensitive things at times - wouldn't we appreciate people just being a bit gracious about it and moving on, specially when it's people we need to rub along with into the future.

Mrsmadevans · 22/10/2016 16:33

I would be pretty upset tbh op I think it feels a little like rejection ...my mil used to do this and it hurt more bc I was really very fond of her but was never good enough . I could never be as good as her other dil

MagicChanges · 22/10/2016 16:33

Dear God - oven gloves and tea towels if my DILs gace me that

Dear god - oven gloves and tea towels - if any of my DILs gave me that I'd never speak to them again!!! I've never used an oven glove in my life so maybe MIL doesn't. It's not about the money - £15 could have bought a nice scarf, some toiletries, socks, book, and a dozen other things. By buying something for the kitchen, it's perceiving the woman in a domestic role not as a person in their own right.

LittlePaintBox · 22/10/2016 16:47

Let it go. I can't imagine a discussion about it that wouldn't make things worse.

As a side issue - my MiL died last month, very unexpectedly. There were many tiny 'issues' like this between us, built up over 40 years, but I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to her and I miss her dreadfully and wish I had been more appreciative of her good points while she was around. Sad

ChocolateWombat · 22/10/2016 16:51

Have all you people who would feel so hurt and aggrieved by a similar experience, never had anything to really worry about and be offended by? I remain amazed how many would feel SO annoyed to receive a domestic type gift ('never speak to them again' and SO annoyed to know their present had been re gifted 'feel slapped in the face')

You guys who are so judgemental about what gifts are and aren't acceptable, hopefully NEVER get it wrong, because otherwise you might find YOU are never spoken to again. Really??

Can't we just try and be a bit gracious about minor mistakes people make?

ChocolateWombat · 22/10/2016 16:52

Exactly, LittlePaintBox. You put it into perspective really well.

Life is too short for hoarding minor grievances.

user1473509591 · 22/10/2016 16:52

My mum did this, she was given a bottle of red wine from a little old lady she cares for, was given to dp as an Xmas present.. he doesn't even like red wine. We regifted it for a friend's birthday who actually likes red 😂

Poppypoochinachristmascracker · 22/10/2016 17:02

My mum did that with a bottle of perfume I gave her for her birthday, she regifted (word???) to sil for her Christmas was a bit annoyed until she asked me to wrap it for her, (she can't wrap prezzie's for toffee they all look like a fish supperGrin so I do the wrapping. I did see the funny side while I was wrapping it. She obviously forgot I gave her it in the first place🤔

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