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AIBU?

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Original poster

If a man calls you 'love'...

218 replies

sisterignatius · 22/10/2016 08:30

.. in the post office depot, when he's asking you to sign for a parcel - is that just the equivalent of him addressing you as 'mate' if you're a man? Or is being called 'love' when you're a woman somehow different from being called 'mate'?

What, if he's fleetingly - and possibly unconsciously - checked you out before fetching your parcel? Does that make any difference to the use of the word 'love'?

OP posts:
badabing36 · 22/10/2016 13:59

Sorry I did prefix it by saying it's all about context. No offence meant.

Original poster
sisterignatius · 22/10/2016 14:05

At my gym where I've been going for years I say hello/chat to a diverse range of people, including young and older men from a range of backgrounds and I think there is only one older male trainer (50+) who is kind of a friend that might call me 'love' sometimes, and I don't mind at all. However I do hear all the guys routinely address each other as 'mate.' There is undoubtedly a difference between the use of the two words and in that environment at least, 'love' is not bandied about.

Calling me a snob is somewhat presumptuous if you know nothing about me, my background or circumstances.

OP posts:
FoxMulder · 22/10/2016 14:10

I don't like being called love. I find it patronising. I speak to people over the phone a lot at work and I get it all the time. Never used to happen before I went on maternity leave when I was in a much more senior position.

MardAsSnails · 22/10/2016 14:14

I'd say regional and friendly, but on the other hand I actually asked someone to stop it the other day. I was calling someone to make a complaint about a very serious matter (a company's incompetence meaning my residence visa cannot be renewed - all their fault not mine!) and within the first 5 minutes he'd called me 'my dear' 3 times. I (politely) asked him not to, as I find it extremely patronising and unprofessional. I was addressed as Mrs Snails after that. Not difficult, was it.

corythatwas · 22/10/2016 14:34

to me the whole matter hangs on one question:

is this particular instance a case of using love as a basic social leveller? - in which case, you might well argue that taking umbrage is a little snobbish

or is it used particularly to point out that as you are a woman he has a right to assume you are his social equal/inferior?- in which case you have a right to object to his sexism

in other words, is the unspoken message:

"all humans are basically equal and there is nothing wrong with addressing them as equals"

or

"no woman could ever be my social superior"

Is he speaking to you as he would to anybody else including another man, or is the subtext "little woman"? Difficult to judge without knowing him, his background, or being there.

Lifeisontheup2 · 22/10/2016 14:37

I'm near London and call men and women love,sweetheart, petal or mate. Never think of their sex before I choose the term. Possibly do think of their age, I wouldn't generally call someone elderly mate but it would depend on how I read the interaction.

ApocalypseNowt · 22/10/2016 14:49

Are you sure he was checking you out?

Maybe you had some egg on your front and it was distracting him.

memyselfandaye · 22/10/2016 14:54

You wanted him to call you Ma'am to redress the balance? Confused

Fwiw, I'm a "gritty" northerner and everyone seems to be called love or pet, men, women children and dogs.

If it bothered you that much why did'nt you speak up?

Also why is it ok for a "sort of" male friend to call you love? A sort of friend is'nt really a friend is it? You don't refer to real friends as "sort of" friends.

Stupid thread has got right on my tits, and that last bit where you say you chat to a range of men from diverse backgrounds at your gym might as well say you talk to black men or gay men, that's what it looks like. Or am I reading too much into that?

slug · 22/10/2016 14:55

Not being British I have a bit of a problem with "love" as I find it a bit patronising and I'm simply not used to it. I tend to respond with "Thank you Bunnykins" or something equally ridiculous.

BowieFan · 22/10/2016 14:56

Please go to the south west. If you don't like "love" you'll hate being called "m'lover"

It's just being friendly. I can't say it bothers me really. I do the exact same thing to bus drivers (I'm a woman) and men who serve me in shops. What's the issue?

zzzzz · 22/10/2016 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyMoth · 22/10/2016 16:41

Yorkshire is a big place and you get a lot of different terms.

Some older people where I grew up near Bradford would say "chicken"!

HighwayDragon1 · 22/10/2016 16:45

I either hun or lovely everyone

Thanks hun/lovely.

I'm being nice, but I'm a woman so thatmakes it ok, right?

2ndSopranos · 22/10/2016 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 22/10/2016 17:04

The issue is not the word per se. Of course it's ok for your dad to call you "love"!

The point is that it is a term very rarely used between men. Men use it to patronize and belittle women, to reinforce their feelings of superiority. Think of a mechanic talking to a woman about a car, a boss talking to a secretary "4 coffees, please, love"...........It may seem trivial, but as someone once said "it only seems like a little drip- until one day you turn round and wonder where that brimming bucketful came from"

Psychomumsucks · 22/10/2016 17:07

If you don't like it, say so instead of bitching on here about such a non issue.

BertrandRussell · 22/10/2016 17:12

Fascinating how many people pile onto "non issue" threads to have a go at people who think it is an issue!

NavyandWhite · 22/10/2016 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marylou2 · 22/10/2016 17:34

I love going to Stoke with work just to be called Duck . It makes my day. Don't mind darling or pet either and I'd have to spend my life being permanently offended if I minded love where I live. It's said by both men and women and it's just meant in a kind,friendly way.

janethegirl2 · 22/10/2016 21:02

I don't care if ppl call me love, mi duck, pet, love, my lovely, whatever, it's friendly and non threatening!

Bobafatt · 22/10/2016 21:16

I take your point that it is a term used more in the north, but I disagree one finds it patronizing only if a middle class southerner(paraphrase).

I've never lived south of the Watford Gap, and 99% of the time it irks me. Think the other 1% of the time is when DH calls me "love."

CivQueen · 22/10/2016 21:34

I genuinely didn't know this could be offensive Blush

Over the last week alone I've said 'thanks lovey' to the male Ocado driver, the woman who held the door open for me in the bank and 'No problem mate' to a woman that accidentally bumped into me on the street when she said 'sorry bab'.

We are all dreadfully common round ere though Grin

ScouseAT · 22/10/2016 21:35

He doesn't mean he 'loves you', it bares no relation as to whether or not he 'checked you out', it's not s sign of a patriarchal society. It's just a friendly term, a colloquialism, like pet, hen, cock, missus, queen, la, pal, mate, used by both men and woman in equal measure. Nothing more to it then friendly small talk.

BlueBlueSkies · 22/10/2016 21:53

I am from London, and I am used to being called Darling and Love. It happens less nowadays. 10 years ago all the girls in the office called each other darling.

The other day I was out with my two nieces, in their 20's. I am in my 40's. We were in a bar and the waiter greeted us 'hello girls'. One of my nieces told him that we were women NOT girls. I thought that was a bit harsh. We discussed it later on that evening, I said that I was happy to be called a girl and did not see it as patronising, he was just being friendly and she was rude telling him off. I would have thought 'Hello women' would have sounded very odd.

If people are being friendly I don't mind them calling me love, darling, girl etc.

travellinglighter · 22/10/2016 22:38

Hi Navywhite

Not a typo butt and butty, apparently it might be the origin of the word buddy transferred from Wales to America.