If a man calls you 'love'...

[sisterignatius]

.. in the post office depot, when he's asking you to sign for a parcel - is that just the equivalent of him addressing you as 'mate' if you're a man? Or is being called 'love' when you're a woman somehow different from being called 'mate'?

What, if he's fleetingly - and possibly unconsciously - checked you out before fetching your parcel? Does that make any difference to the use of the word 'love'?

[SleepyHare]

Oh so what. I think you're over thinking this.

[NicknameUsed]

"It would be a shame to knock these local terms of casual endearment out of our rich tapestry of regional dialects. Calling people up on it seems like unnecessary bullying if nothing was meant by it, especially if it is a middle class person shaming a working class person on the language use with which they have been brought up"

This ^^

[badabing36]

Whilst I agree that there are contexts where it could be offensive "oh are you struggling love? Don't worry I'll do it" that kind of thing.

I think that for the most part people who get offended by the word 'love' are being snobs. Love is a leveller working class, and northerners call everyone love. Men, women, children, dogs (not sure about cats though).

I remember Germaine Greer on a program saying about her builder "don't call me love I have 2 phds!" Or some such tripe. People have also huffily said "don't call me love" to me when I said it to them while serving them in a shop.

In my mind; don't call me love=don't think I'm the same as you, I'm better than you.

[HyacinthFuckit]

Then in that case OP, whatever the cultural norms are in North London are what's relevant. So possibly you are not BU, though I must say I agree with a pp that expecting to be called Ma'am or Madam is problematic.

[shrunkenhead]

I think a lot depends on context as to whether it's patronising and sexist. I call close friends of either sex love as a term of familiarity. I know blokes who call each other love and mate interchangeably.
If however you're having an argument/stating your case and a man shuts you down with "Alright, love, keep your hair on!" or words to that effect then yes it's both patronising and s exist.

[LadyMoth]

I don't think it's a sexism problem, because it happens just as regularly both, or all, ways round surely. Female shop workers etc often call me love or darling, and they do the same to men (or whatever else it may be regionally - I love it in the SW when they say "my lover" :)). Men may call men "mate" or "pal", it's the same thing IMO.

What, if he's fleetingly - and possibly unconsciously - checked you out before fetching your parcel? Does that make any difference to the use of the word 'love'?

I don't actually have a problem with people fleetingly checking each other out either. After all I do it and I suspect most people do. What is unacceptable is forcing unwanted attention on people, staring at boobs, making leery remarks, getting in your space etc but for me all those things are in a different category. If you don't know you've been fleetingly checked out, I don't see a problem. It's human nature.

I like the terms of affection total strangers use to each other in the UK.

[SleepyHare]

I think it can be used in a patronising way.

Like generally woman to woman I think.

I really wouldn't even notice if anyone said it in the way youve mentioned because it happens literally every day.

To me it's the same as, mate, pal, etc.

[LadyMoth]

Oh yes and what shrunkenhead says is true too - things like this can be used patronizingly - but again that's not just a male on female thing. I have seen love used patronisingly on here by women to women.

[SirChenjin]

I don't like it - and I know I am overthinking it. It tends to be used by older women with younger women, or by men to women - almost feels as if I am being reminded of my place. Now that I am pushing 50 I find fewer women use it with me, thankfully.

[Ifailed]

Don't be silly. Have you never had that kind of look from a man? The quick once over?

Can't say I'd notice. But lets just assume it did happen, maybe he was merely responding to the OP "unconsciously" checking him out?

Or more possibly, he was merely trying to lighten a series of boring, repetitive transactions with people picking up mail and was adopting a friendly tone? God help him if he dared to use a gender-related term like Sir/Madam and got it wrong.

[NicknameUsed]

"Don't be silly. Have you never had that kind of look from a man? The quick once over?"

It's human nature to do this. I don't believe anyone who says they have never given someone they find attractive a second look.

[FlyingElbows]

Up here, North of the wall where the proper North is, you'd be "hen". It would still be a term of endearment possibly said to someone whose name you may not know. Unless you have someone pinned to a wall be the throat in which case it's not meant endearingly. You see, like so many things, it's all in the context. You can choose to be offended by everything and view everything as a sexist insult from a potential attacker or you can smile, accept your parcel, say "thanks. cheerio" and go about your day.

[Simmi1]

I'm from London but have been called love by a female Irish friend and pet by a friend from Newcastle. I like it as these terms are usually used in a warm and friendly way.

[sisterignatius]

More context - he was younger than me. Different point is that when a man calls you 'love' it feels different from when a woman uses the same term. Also, the word 'mate' which is, at least in London, the male equivalent of 'love' means friend - and to me, somehow, implies equality.

[tanfield90]

I'm ambivalent-plus about these terms. I don't use 'mate' and I don't like being called mate either. However, I call everybody 'love' and am happily on the receiving end. I address men as 'sir' but I can't bring myself to address a woman as 'madam'. It just sounds incredibly old-fashioned and stale. Apologies for my inconsistencies !

[HyacinthFuckit]

It might feel different to you OP. It doesn't to all of us, because your cultural context is not everybody's. Yours is the only one you need to consider when assessing this incident specifically. But when you go beyond that is when that stops being the case.

[NotCitrus]

It's definitely gendered in London - men call men mate and women love, and women call much younger or older people love, so it's pretty clear love is used as a slightly patronising if unconsciously so term.

I enjoy using mate when making it clear to men they'd better treat me as an equal, and love if I detect a note of patronising from them - what's so lovely is there's no way for them to complain, if they've just called me the same thing!

Works much better than complaining about being called love - if it really were an equal-oppurtunities term then that would be fine.

[VestalVirgin]

If it makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable, and you have every right to demand that he not call you that. End of discussion.

"Love" is in the dictionary, and everyone with a brain will understand that it is, or at the very least has the connotations of, a term of endearment, and as such, not all people want it used on them by random strangers.

[NicknameUsed]

"Different point is that when a man calls you 'love' it feels different from when a woman uses the same term."

To you it does. To me it doesn't. Stop overthinking this. You are making an issue out of nothing.

[HyacinthFuckit]

See, I don't think we can say OP is overthinking or making an issue of nothing. There are certain regional contexts where, judging by what people who live there have said, it would potentially be objectionable. The problem comes only when residents of those areas universalise their norms. The answer to that is not us universalising ours in turn: no point responding to ignorance with more ignorance.

[BertrandRussell]

I have spent a lot of time in Yorkshire.

I have never in my whole life heard A man he was not in a relationship with "love". And, having been on threads like this before, I do ask about it. It is utter bollocks to say that it is non gendered North of Watford. Oh, and the same goes for "duck". It would be like that "advice to foreigners" column in Punch. "If you are a man in a Leeds city centre pub, the barman will be offended if you do not address him as "love". On match days in particular it is traditional to say "Good luck this afternoon my loves" to any group wearing football shirts"

[HyacinthFuckit]

Do you believe other posters who've told you they have heard men call each other love, out of interest? I wouldn't go so far as to say its always non-gendered north of the Watford Gap, but one wonders whether you're trying to suggest it never is

[Purplepixiedust]

Wouldn't bother me. It's friendly, nothing more.

[chattygranny]

OP when you get to my age you'd be thrilled to be checked out! if you live in London you'll also be used to dahlin' again used just like mate. If he made you feel really uncomfortable with leering then that's a different issue altogether IMO.

[shins]

Raging old feminist here and it doesn't bother me. It is about context though, I worked for an old geezer who used to call me "dear" and I didn't mind, but if my current boss did it it'd be weird as we're round the same age. I live in Dublin-loves, pets and sweethearts coming at you from all directions!