If a man calls you 'love'...

[sisterignatius]

.. in the post office depot, when he's asking you to sign for a parcel - is that just the equivalent of him addressing you as 'mate' if you're a man? Or is being called 'love' when you're a woman somehow different from being called 'mate'?

What, if he's fleetingly - and possibly unconsciously - checked you out before fetching your parcel? Does that make any difference to the use of the word 'love'?

Where I am from it (love, darling, duck) was the norm until the late 80s, earliy 90s, when we had an influx of Londoners who complained about everything thing and changed the entire dynamic of the town.

Actually, DP has just remembered being called "love" by a male market trader in Bradford's covered market when he was in his 20s-25ish years ago. This being mumsnet, that obviously means that it is a universally used term and my previous posts are void.

Born and bred cosmopolitan Yorkshire, I use it all the time to men and women, never in a condescending tone.

Grew up in Scotland, live in London, DP is from Yorkshire I use it for men and women without any sexual connotations

I once had a woman bite my head off when I said 'are you alright my love?' to her at work because I was required to greet every customer

As with everything, context is key.

I agree that "love" can be used in a patronising, offensive way sometimes. However usually it's just a regional way of addressing someone that has no malicious intent behind it and it therefore doesn't bother me. In many cases, it's meant with quite the opposite intent - it's used a friendly, welcoming way of addressing someone.

People's words never offend me. It's what they're thinking when they say them that can.

Bertrand how do you call someone on it without sounding aggressive. For instance, recently I had a handy man constantly calling me, 'darling' and 'love', I was very angry but not quite sure how to tell him to stop it in a non aggressive way, maybe some witty comeback?

navy
It was in retail
the exchange went like this

me: are you alright my love?
her: I am NOT your love
me: oh, do you need any help anyway?

it really threw me especially because she looked so offended!!

sisterignatius Sat 22-Oct-16 10:37:48
"Also, the word 'mate' which is, at least in London, the male equivalent of 'love' means friend - and to me, somehow, implies equality."

Would this be a problem? Are talking about the phenomenon flagged up by badabing?

"I think that for the most part people who get offended by the word 'love' are being snobs. Love is a leveller working class, and northerners call everyone love. Men, women, children, dogs (not sure about cats though).

I remember Germaine Greer on a program saying about her builder "don't call me love I have 2 phds!" Or some such tripe. I think that for the most part people who get offended by the word 'love' are being snobs. Love is a leveller working class, and northerners call everyone love. Men, women, children, dogs (not sure about cats though).

In my mind; don't call me love=don't think I'm the same as you, I'm better than you."

Or why would you mind if a post office employee regards you as his social equal?

Just to add, I don't mind elderly people calling me love, darling etc, it's quite endearing and I do refer to DC friends like this, they are all around 12. But I don't understand this fad of calling someone obviously older than you 'love' or someone who has contracted you for a job 'darling' when you know their formal name and it's always towards women. After all, DH never gets called any of these except by very very old ladies, 80s.

Marklah, I'm not sure what your story is getting at? I wouldn't be particularly impressed with that over-familiarity from someone I'd hired in a professional capacity in the workplace, and would assume that the 'darling' was either the engineer being deliberately provocative, in which case he wouldn't be getting my business, or too stupid to realise that this is not an appropriate way to address someone in a professional environment.

If a man addressed me as 'love', I reply, calling him some variation of 'sugarpie', 'sweetcheeks', 'darling boy' or the like, and if he finds this odd or objectionable, I assume an air of great surprise and say 'Oh, I thought we were on those kinds of terms.'

It didn't occur to me until now that there was such a North/South divide with respect to 'love'. But it's true, in London it can easily carry a note of condescension when a man uses it with a woman, even when it's not intended. I had no issue with the quick glance - we all do it unconsciously and it is not the same as leering. But it made me wonder how a banal transaction could nevertheless make me conscious of being female, rather than just a person.

I think it's more that yours and your DPs experiences aren't definitive bertrand. And aren't any kind of refutation to the experiences of people who, you know, live in the place you're talking about.

I love it, its one of the biggest things I miss about the UK, all the different friendly terms of casual endearment. Don't find it patronising at all, just sweet.

Sir/madam on the other hand, I absolutely hate. It implies a superiority/inferiority status difference and I do not like that as I'm a firm believer in people being equal, regardless of age, gender, job etc.

What does the mean?

I had an horrific experience this week. I organised a new plumber to replace a shower this week. He was I would guess half my age. At the end of it I paid him. Do you know what he did after that? He said, 'Thank you derxa'. And shook my hand. The absolute bastard. He should have tugged his forelock and called me Madam at the very least.

WildDigestive

That was my story originally. What I meant is that some people feel that workmen and retailers are need to be subservient to them. They think that love is not sufficiently respectful because it is a friendly term that implies equality.

That's my opinion anyway. As I said it's all about context. Maybe GG is a snob, maybe I got it wrong.

I don't feel that workmen and people in retail are subservient . I just feel that it's sexist and ageist - mostly used by men with or older women with younger women (ie 'girls') to remind them of their place in the pecking order.

Two days ago I found a 13 y/o boy sobbing in the corridor, I wanted to comfort him and found myself calling him 'darling' (I'm a male teacher, I use this term when talking to my own dd when they are upset).

I think I got away with it

In the north we always use 'love', always and it doesn't mean anything but a friendly term

I'm a northerner and blanket statements like this are ridiculous. There are plenty of northern men who use it while simultaneously displaying that they do not see women as their equals, and the use of the word can be tied up in that.

I have to say though that I got called 'my lovely' in Bristol by a shop assistant who wasn't using it to try to sell me anything and it took me by surprise by how genuinely kind it seemed.

Love is a leveller working class, and northerners call everyone love. Men, women, children, dogs (not sure about cats though).

This is also ridiculous. There are plenty of areas in the north where use of 'love' is not that widespread. There are areas where men can use it in a way that is impolite or outright condescending without being called on it because there's still enough doubt as to whether they're just in the habit and mean no harm by the word itself, while also being condescending bastards, or whether they're employing it somewhat consciously to add to the effect.

I don't call anybody 'love', nor would I but that's because I only use terms of endearment with my very close friends.

I always thrilled though to be called 'duck', I think it's lovely.