Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seems to think he's my landlord AIBU?

681 replies

user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 12:15

TLDR: My boyfriend wants me to move into his house, and is asking for me to contribute what he would consider ‘market rent’ if he rented the room out.

He owns the house outright, and the associated costs (bills etc) are paid by a family trust. I.e. he has no living costs to be there. He’s an adult, FYI, we are in our thirties.

He has recently asked me various questions about how much people rent rooms for, what bills cost etc. I thought he was just interested, as he has never had to pay these costs.

He told me today that he thinks that I should pay £850 per month to live in his flat as that would be the market rate if he let a room out.

I had volunteered to pay half of bills… but £850? It’s only a two bed flat, with no mortgage. I’ve told him where he can stick it.

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 20/10/2016 13:21

He does have good qualities!
None that could redeem this, I wouldn't think Hmm. Meanness is the quality I most abhor in anybody. Does this seriously not make you feel any different about him?? It should...

ReallyTired · 20/10/2016 13:22

£850 for a room, that's ridiculous. Where is this house?

I think it's time to run for the hills and call an end to the relationship.

spaghettithrower · 20/10/2016 13:23

This is awful. I would run a mile.
I live with my DP in a flat which I own outright. He pays half of the bills and he food. He does not pay rent. He saves the money which he does not need to pay in rent in the same way that I save the money I earn which I do not have to pay in rent.
We split the cost of things we buy such as furniture.
There is no way I would be charging him the going rate rent.

RebootYourEngine · 20/10/2016 13:24

Yello the house is mortgage free. The only things that comes out of the trust is the bills. OP has said that she is willing to pay half the bills because that is the only things that her DP has to pay.

zen1 · 20/10/2016 13:26

Glad you told him what to do with his 'offer'

pudcat · 20/10/2016 13:27

Doesn't sound like an equal partnership. If you do any cooking, cleaning or shopping for him, charge him the going rate. Same for having sex as well as he only thinks of you as a cash machine.

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 13:28

Yes.

I now think he’s a bit of a tosser.

He actually thought he was giving me quite a good deal, as room + bills would more usually be £1k around here (I know, I know. London…!)

OP posts:
Sunshineonacloudyday · 20/10/2016 13:29

Does he work

GeminiRising · 20/10/2016 13:29

If you want to stay with this partner and genuinely want to pay your way and £850 is actually market rent for a room (including bills other than food?), then logically you should only pay half that as you are effectively sharing a room rather than getting one to yourself!

But I agree with PP, either rent a place jointly, splitting all the costs equally (he can get income from the other one paid for by the trust if he wants to) or just run for the hills.

Roseformeplease · 20/10/2016 13:30

Tell him you are happy to pay but, you charge £30 a night for your company. Which is £900 a month, so he needs to set up a DD for £50 a month. Plus, you require your own room.

Actually, ignore flippant response and run....fast.

Jackiebrambles · 20/10/2016 13:31

The fact he hadn't thought that by joining together as a couple that your personal costs should go down speaks volumes about him!

Robin2008 · 20/10/2016 13:31

Run for the hills, please.

TheFreaksShallInheritTheEarth · 20/10/2016 13:32

Eww, paying £850 a month to share his bed? With no contract or rights, and not even your own space?

Fuck, and, I might add, that.

exexpat · 20/10/2016 13:34

Ditto to what spaghettithrower said - when DP moved in to my house (owned outright) it did not occur to me for one minute to charge him market rent. He contributes to bills, but otherwise the fact that he doesn't pay rent means he can now save more and make pension contributions (he was previously in a fairly precarious financial position, while I am very financially secure), and also have more disposable income which means he can share the cost of holidays and other fun stuff with me.

I think the OP said that she and her (not-so-D-sounding) P earned similar amounts, so if she paid him £850 a month in rent, that would give him a disposable income vastly bigger than hers - how would they deal with that while living together? Would he pay for all holidays, meals out etc, or would he still expect her to go 50/50? I would guess the latter, based on the rent demand, and that would make for a very uncomfortable life together, in my opinion.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 20/10/2016 13:34

He sounds like a man of the night.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 20/10/2016 13:35

What attracted you to this gold digger.

SpidersFromMars · 20/10/2016 13:36

In the reverse situation, (where I owned, and paid mortgage on, a house) partner moved in rent free and paid half of bills. This way he felt he paid his way, and I protected the asset (house and mortgage in my name).

You're not moving in as a lodger, but a partner.

And incidentally, if you were a lodger, he could only expect a maximum of £7,500 a year, before having to declare and pay tax on his landlord income.

PersianCatLady · 20/10/2016 13:36

OK so I haven't read the entire thread yet but I just wanted to post this while it was fresh in my mind.

I think that he may have been advised to do this by either his family or their solicitor as I think he is trying to create a legal relationship as LL and tenant between you.

I think that his reasoning behind this may be that if you do split up further down the line perhaps if he can prove that you were more a tenant than a partner then he is thinking that you would have no claim over his family's property.

Muser54321 · 20/10/2016 13:36

Wow. You see some true colours there!

Even if he had a mortgage to pay and it was a struggle to pay it all himself without a roommate, that would still leave him in a strong (and strengthening) position and you very vulnerable, at his mercy. And that would be giving him the benefit of the doubt!

BarbaraAtTheGardenParty · 20/10/2016 13:36

Unfortunately I think he has given you a clear message. I couldn't be with someone who had that attitude towards me or his money. I'm pretty certain that if my DP had come into that kind of money pre-DCs he would have been more than happy for me to move in and just pay half of bills and food. He loves me, trusts me, and would want to share his good fortune with me for those reasons. I would do the same if the shoe were on the other foot! However, if I was about to move in with DP and had the luxury of not needing to pay rent, I imagine I would be falling over myself to prove that I wasn't interested in him for his money. So, although my actual advice to you is to run, if you plan to stay with him this is what I would do...
I would have a long, honest discussion about where you both see the relationship going. Do you want to get married, or be together long term or have children? How would you approach finances if you were married? Or one of you was working part time or a SAHP? What I'm getting at is that you don't want to be paying rent to your boyfriend indefinitely, and/or find that you have a child with him, work part time and he's still expecting you to give him £850 a month. If you chat about it and still want to try living together then I would suggest opening a joint account and paying something akin to the market rate into joint savings so it feels less like a landlord scenario. Then just see how the relationship progresses but be clear that you don't see that as an indefinite arrangement. Maybe IABU but I think I would want to put some kind of time limit on it. Best case scenario you get to the end of this time limit and you have that money for both of your futures. Worst case scenario you split up or he reveals himself to be tight, doesn't want to commit to you etc etc and you walk away having paid rent for 2 years or whatever, which you would of had you lived anywhere else anyway.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 20/10/2016 13:40

Persiancatlady that is a very good point they want to keep your hands of his inheritance. You are both in your 30's do want to start a family and do you think he is dad material?

user1471594659 · 20/10/2016 13:42

It would be fair to go 50:50 on bills and pay some "rent" on top of that. £850 doesn't sound like the right amount though.

How much would it cost to rent his bedroom if he moved into the (presumably smaller) spare room? Take that figure and halve it, because you're sharing the room. Then discount by a further, say, 70% for the lack of privacy and security and you've got a fairer figure.

Muser54321 · 20/10/2016 13:43

I'd tell him that you could use that 850 to get a mortgage on your own place. Which you could afford if you can afford 850 rent.

I agree with the poster who says that you need to feel financially secure too. Again, bitter experience talking here.

My x talked me out of getting a mortgage on my own (tiny studio room, but it would have been mine) and then promised the sun, moon and stars but when it came to it, he said he could borrow more on his own which might have been true. But i left that fucker with NOTHING. 8 years of feeling shafted, doing the housework and childcare and feeling so much regret that I'd allowed him to talk me out of buying a tiny place on my own. He was so determined to protect himself and his assets Hmm well he sits alone in his asset now.

diddl · 20/10/2016 13:44

So he just buys his food?

I'd expect to pay for food & something towards the increase in bills.

Muser54321 · 20/10/2016 13:46

Exactly. He has given you a very clear message.

Please listen. It will be hard but move on. First 7 weeks are the hardest. It's all rewiring in the brain. Detach, re-wire.

Swipe left for the next trending thread