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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seems to think he's my landlord AIBU?

681 replies

user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 12:15

TLDR: My boyfriend wants me to move into his house, and is asking for me to contribute what he would consider ‘market rent’ if he rented the room out.

He owns the house outright, and the associated costs (bills etc) are paid by a family trust. I.e. he has no living costs to be there. He’s an adult, FYI, we are in our thirties.

He has recently asked me various questions about how much people rent rooms for, what bills cost etc. I thought he was just interested, as he has never had to pay these costs.

He told me today that he thinks that I should pay £850 per month to live in his flat as that would be the market rate if he let a room out.

I had volunteered to pay half of bills… but £850? It’s only a two bed flat, with no mortgage. I’ve told him where he can stick it.

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 20/10/2016 13:02

Be sure to check whether he wants a deposit and a month's rent up front too. Will the flat be professionally cleaned before you move in, and is the inventory accurate?

Red flag.....

FlabulousChic · 20/10/2016 13:02

I assume you wont be having your own room but sharing with him, ergo why are you paying for a room when you dont have one to yourself? Ask him that.

KayTee87 · 20/10/2016 13:03

I can't get over the fact he wants to profit from you living there, doesn't sound like he's interested in an equal relationship.

someonestolemynick · 20/10/2016 13:04

I'm living in a similar situation. My partner owns the flat outright, all he pays are bills. I pay him £60 per months for bills.

BabyGanoush · 20/10/2016 13:04

don't move in with him

Peach9876 · 20/10/2016 13:05

Since you have already given notice and he then mentioned the cost of renting his spare room I would be tempted to move in (until you can find somewhere better).
You of course need a contract, and apparently he needs to pay tax on that income (which is a PITA), and of course he cannot set foot in your room without prior notice unless you agree (which I wouldn't) etc etc etc do everything you can as a tenant. And when he has an issue with it you can pull out the contract... But I'm just a bitch about these things.

What would be reasonable to me would be to look at the bills and for you to split who pays which ones. So you might take water, tv license and council tax whilst he takes gas and electric or something... so it balances out. But I wouldn't be paying him rent for a room he doesn't have anything to pay for (assuming there is no mortgage). And I wouldn't pay him direct as I would worry he's just lining his pockets with it and his trust is paying for everything.

5moreminutes · 20/10/2016 13:05

If you want to maintain your independence you do probably want to put the money into buying your own place and renting it out if you do want to move in with him, not into paying him excessive rent (it isn't market rent if you are not getting a private room - market rent for half a room would presumably be 425 pounds).

Would the trust allow his house to be rented out with the rent going to him? You say he owns the house? Does he own it or does the trust?

The fairest thing to both of you is for the existing house to be rented out and for you to go 50/50 on a totally different place to rent or buy together.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/10/2016 13:06

Exactly, I would rather pay a mortgage and have a little investment, than line this man's pockets. You are his partner, his girlfriend, not a friend or stranger, this does not show he loves you. He is looking to make money out of you, and that is not nice! My dh was in the same position, owned his own property as he saved and saved to pay the mortgage, when houseprices were reasonable. I payed half the bills, he would not have it any other way. I am his partner, you just don't treat a partner like that.

Original poster
user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 13:06

Thank you - that is really useful advice. I will look out for myself first!

OP posts:
InTheseFlipFlops · 20/10/2016 13:07

If he's starting like that you won't ever be able to consider it your home - even 20 years down the line and 2.4 kids. You won't feel able to buy little things for or have an input in new kitchens / bathrooms. Yes to paying towards the bills, even if they are coming out the trust, you should obviously pay your bit (which your happy to). And i don't think you should have a claim on his property - i appreciate he needs to take some steps to protect that - is this some really misplaced foot in it attempt at that?

Peach9876 · 20/10/2016 13:07

Personally all incoming money from DP and I goes into a joint account. All bills, mortgage etc come out of that account. We each have our own accounts in which we get 'pocket money' each month.
DP also has an ISA, which is used as our savings. I need to open one really and have the same amount but never got around to it. But I don't think he's going anywhere and I have no intentions of leaving.

YelloDraw · 20/10/2016 13:08

I don’t want to not pay my way – it’s important to me to maintain my independence, and part of that for me is splitting costs equally. I am no freeloader – I’ve been able to look after myself perfectly well so far!

But you do want to benefit from his trust. You only want to split bills. You want to live 'rent' free which is only possible because of his trust.

Someone has probably told him to protect his assets etc etc and he hasn't thought it through how it would sound to you re paying what you are paying now,.

KERALA1 · 20/10/2016 13:08

When DH moved into my rental we put the rent he was paying into a joint savings account. Great way of saving as he was used to being without that amount each month. But we were super serious from the outset - went towards our deposit for first flat he was talking marriage 6 weeks in Grin

YelloDraw · 20/10/2016 13:09

TBH I wouldn't move in - it will never be a shared flat and he will never move out into a shared property that you have both purchased together.

Coughingchildren5 · 20/10/2016 13:09

Sounds like he is really resenting you living there!

plimsolls · 20/10/2016 13:09

No way! He is totally unreasonable. I wouldn't move in at all. (Sorry, I know it's probably crap to read the condemnation of your boyfriend but he is seriously being unreasonable).

DinosaursRoar · 20/10/2016 13:09

I would suggest you do one of two things, a) contact your current landlord/letting agent and say that you would like to remain where you are after all, if you've been a good tenant and they haven't already lined someone else up, they will probably snap your hand off to stay put. Or alternatively, suggest to your DP that if he wants things to be fair, you don't see how his suggestion would meet that. You suggest you rent a place together so you have the same rights for the money you are both putting in, and he can rent out his current flat to get the money for his share of the rent/bills.

If you are going to pay market rent, you expect to have a choice of which property it is you live in. Say that if you weren't a couple, you wouldn't pick to flatshare that flat.

PumpkinOfLinus · 20/10/2016 13:10

This man does not love you - run.

Woollymammoth63 · 20/10/2016 13:11

Thing is.. How long will this go on for? It will never be half yours.
Think you should find your own place, then when the time is right, you find a new place together.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/10/2016 13:11

yellow charging the op £850 for sharing a room, that is taking the piss, ok charge a little 'rent' that it goes towards a joint account or joint savings, but to profit from op in that was, is awful! She is his partner, not a stranger! Down my way in good old Milton Keynes, you could rent a 2/3 bed house for that price, not share a blooming room.

Scribblegirl · 20/10/2016 13:12

When DP and I moved in together I was so keen to not be taking advantage (earned about 7k more than him) that I pro-rated every single bill so that we were each paying according to our need Grin.

I completely agree with PPs, it's a red flag. I couldn't get on board with someone who didn't view us as a partnership.

ChrissieS79 · 20/10/2016 13:16

Offer to pay half his costs not a penny more

Statelychangers · 20/10/2016 13:17

He's done you a massive favour being so money focused this early on. Get out and don't look back. Sil is in the process of divorcing a financially abusive git - it took her years of misery to face up to what he was!

DoinItFine · 20/10/2016 13:18

Imagine having zero living costs and wanting to make sure your girlfriend would see no benefit at all from your good fortune.

It makes no difference to him financially if you move in.

But he wants to make sure his financial good luck is onle enjoyed by himself.

A nasty trait most children have been educated out of by age 8.

MoonStar07 · 20/10/2016 13:20

Wow! That is madness! Tell him to fuck off and get a lodger.