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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seems to think he's my landlord AIBU?

681 replies

user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 12:15

TLDR: My boyfriend wants me to move into his house, and is asking for me to contribute what he would consider ‘market rent’ if he rented the room out.

He owns the house outright, and the associated costs (bills etc) are paid by a family trust. I.e. he has no living costs to be there. He’s an adult, FYI, we are in our thirties.

He has recently asked me various questions about how much people rent rooms for, what bills cost etc. I thought he was just interested, as he has never had to pay these costs.

He told me today that he thinks that I should pay £850 per month to live in his flat as that would be the market rate if he let a room out.

I had volunteered to pay half of bills… but £850? It’s only a two bed flat, with no mortgage. I’ve told him where he can stick it.

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
mummyof3kids · 22/10/2016 10:45

YANBU, do not move in with this person. He is seeking to make profit and gain from your relationship. The set up would only leave you feeling resentful. I have had personal experience of very similar situation and with hindsight would end the relationship. If you do want to move in with him, Work out what is a fair contribution and offer that. Remember you are giving up your independence. If this is his attitude to money and relationships, consider what would happen when children are involved. What would happen if you became ill or out of work, what support would you get. Would you be happy to be In a relationship where you could be living on breadline whereas your 'life partner' would potentially have a totally different lifestyle.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2016 10:50

Theo people were likening what op partner is doing, to her charging for sex, its the same thing. It was done, to point out the absurdity of the situation.

smallchanceofrain · 22/10/2016 11:06

Yep, I agree with those who say run and don't look back! OP's partner doesn't have a mortgage so what would her money be paying for? He would effectively be charging rent and making a profit.
When I moved in with OH he had a mortgage and even though I earned a lot less than him I paid half of the mortgage and utility bills - because it was the fair thing to do and he wasn't making a profit from me.
Now I'm the breadwinner and he's a SAHD. He pays nothing but is way cheaper than hiring a nanny/housekeeper/chef/handyman/personal shopper/dog walker/gigolo!

Realjournal123 · 22/10/2016 11:06

Id be worried that he only wanted me there to supply some spare cash for his play days. Run as fast as your legs can carry you. You will regret moving on with him/ marryi
G him. Can't stand tight men, it never works.

MariF · 22/10/2016 11:07

He should be happy to have you with him together in the same house!! Can't believe he asked you money!!

mummyof3kids · 22/10/2016 12:50

OP his attitude to money and assets is deep rooted. Now I have read more about his family attitude to money and how he has berated you for lack of savings my advice would be to end the relationship now before you invest any more of yourself. I have been in vey similar circumstances (to the extent I wondered if your partner is my BIL, only length of your relationship is not a good fit). If you do live with him now or in the future, as time goes on his behaviour and attitude will worsen. The family will continually nose into your finances as a couple and your resentment will grow. You will never be considered on an equal footing. You deserve so much more from a relationship.

firtlebunny · 22/10/2016 12:53

I'd be sending him this.

I think you just can't get enough.
You think you've a right to the stuff.
I'm not paying you rent -
I would live in a tent
Before bankrolling you. Ain't life tough?

littlemummyfoofoo · 22/10/2016 13:13

what an ass.... you don't need that!

Lovingit81 · 22/10/2016 13:54

Omg can't believe this!! You poor thing. Defo tell him where he can shove it and I would reconsider the relationship if I were you. Sounds like he's just looking for cash off u. What a tosser, sorry but no loving boyfriend would treat you like this. Best of luck xxx

hopelesslycynical · 22/10/2016 15:46

I think, if anything, both of you are being grabby (and unreasonable), and if you decide to live together, you will both have to compromise in some way. He is being grabby and unreasonable by expecting you to pay the equivalent of your present rent, for a shared bed in a shared room, which is plainly ridiculous, and YABU and grabby by expecting free accommodation because your DP, through hard work or good fortune, owns a flat that is mortgage free. It would be kind and lovely if he did let you live rent free, but I don't think he's the devil incarnate by expecting you to contribute above your food and living costs. After all, its his asset, not yours. You also don't mention sharing your higher wages, but expect him to share his flat for free.
I think you're being disingenuous when you say he has no housing costs as he has no mortgage to pay. Surely most flat owners have to pay an annual service charge to pay for lighting, cleaning, and maintenance of communal areas, lifts, and car parks etc., and he will also be responsible for any repairs that are needed, such as a new boiler etc., so I think its reasonable for you to pay a fair contribution for facilities that you use.
That said, to be honest, I personally would not move in with a partner who owned their own property, because there would be such an imbalance of power, I would feel vulnerable as I would have no rights. In addition, living there could be potentially problematic as things such as the décor and furniture would be theirs, and your influence to change it would be much less than if starting fresh in a new house. Why don't you suggest buying a new place together if you still want to live together?

JellyBelli · 22/10/2016 15:47

hopelesslycynical OP didnt expect free board and lodging, and I cant understand why people keep making that claim.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2016 16:01

hopeless RTFT fgs! Have you not read any of op or subsequent posts. A trust fund is paying his outgoings. Op money will be benefiting him and not go towRds mortgage or bills.

hopelesslycynical · 22/10/2016 16:06

JellyBelli I didn't say that the OP expected free board, I mentioned that she expected free accommodation

hopelesslycynical · 22/10/2016 16:13

Aeroflotgirl I have read the full thread fgs! It took me 2 days. Its irrelevant that a trust fund pays his day to day living expenses. Its for his benefit, not anyone else's. Why shouldn't OP contribute a little and it benefit her DP? After all its his money that's invested in the flat, and if its in London its going to be a large amount. If you read my thread I said his suggestion of £850 a month was ridiculous and grabby. Much less than that would seem appropriate to me.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2016 16:18

hopeless op does what to contribute, not £850!!! With that she can rent a studio flat and have her own contract, and tenants rights. Her partner is not seeing her as a loving partner would, but another source of income, and his behaviour has demonstrated that. The fact that he is annoyed with her, for refusing, as she has every right!

hopelesslycynical · 22/10/2016 16:48

Again Aeroflotgirl, if you read my post properly you will notice that I said £850 a month is way too high, and that moving in with a partner without tenancy/ownership rights leaves you vulnerable.

DaniRodwell · 22/10/2016 17:06

I'd sit him down and explain exactly what's wrong with his mindset and give him a chance to absorb it, then if he still didn't understand I'd do same again to explain why the relationship isn't going to work unless he changes his attitude. Again give him the chance to learn but if that didn't work I'd let him know that you can't continue a relationship with him. I wouldn't move in unless he realises that you don't expect this of a partner. I know you said his bills come out a trust fund but I would contribute to them as well as groceries etc. as you'd be using them, but I'd work this out before having the first conversation, explaining why I'd happily pay towards that but should not be expected to pay rent.

I'd consider Felicia's suggestion too, if he wants you paying rent then find somewhere new for you both to pay. And even if he cottons on from the first conversation and you move in I'd hesitate to join finances, banking etc. I wouldn't even give him my pin at all for a long while!

And I'd only do this if the rest of the relationship meant its worth all the hassle!

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/10/2016 17:22

Hear, hear, Hopelessly! I made similar points earlier on in thread. No one really seems bothered about the fact that the OP doesn't intend to share her higher income with her boyfriend. She seems to want it both ways.
She should pay £400. She is currently paying £800. That way, she saves a lot of money compared to her current living situation, but he is also better off.
I wish the OP luck if she intends to find someone who will let her live rent-free. Not many men have paid off their mortgages, unless she's looking for someone who's retired. So chances are if she moves in with anyone else, she'll still have to pay something.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2016 17:31

Op, any developments?

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2016 17:33

harsh if you read op posts you will discover that she does want to pay her way and not freeload, just not pay £850 which is what a tenant woukd pay for the priveledge of living with her partner. Big eye roll emotion!

gribak · 22/10/2016 18:45

Well done for saying he can stick it.... trying to make financial profit out of asking someone to move in seems unromantic and uncaring. I agree, he is showing his true colours... I wonder what would happen in future years if you guys had kids and you were a stay at home mum - he would be just the kinda guy to expect you to live on nothing in that situation... How much do you love him really ...

Sunshineonacloudyday · 22/10/2016 18:47

Are you lot still trying to keep this going she already sorted herself out she is going to tell him to bugger off. I would never give £850 of dead money to someone so that my other half can live the good life. There is 2 words he will get from me. I believe in sharing if my other half didn't then he can go and fuck off. He is behaving like a gigolo.

Cucumber5 · 22/10/2016 19:34

I know the trust fund covers Bills, but I think you could. Then halve food costs, half new sofa costs etc.

If you have kids, maternity leave will need to be taken into consideration. Also you both might want to work part time in order to share the care? What will happen then financially?

MoultonMum · 22/10/2016 19:39

Just want to add a different, possible angle.
Maybe , being so 'spoilt' he hasn't realised quite how offensive the suggestion sounds.

Maybe, he doesn't want to expose himself to being taken advantage of and has swung massively over the line. I kinda guess you think him normally reasonable, else this wouldn't be such a shock to you.

pollymere · 22/10/2016 21:11

I can assure you that a) it was a joke, and b) the joke was not based on gender; I would've made it if it had been lady demanding of man. It was to make the point. Of course you wouldn't consider charging and neither should he.