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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seems to think he's my landlord AIBU?

681 replies

user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 12:15

TLDR: My boyfriend wants me to move into his house, and is asking for me to contribute what he would consider ‘market rent’ if he rented the room out.

He owns the house outright, and the associated costs (bills etc) are paid by a family trust. I.e. he has no living costs to be there. He’s an adult, FYI, we are in our thirties.

He has recently asked me various questions about how much people rent rooms for, what bills cost etc. I thought he was just interested, as he has never had to pay these costs.

He told me today that he thinks that I should pay £850 per month to live in his flat as that would be the market rate if he let a room out.

I had volunteered to pay half of bills… but £850? It’s only a two bed flat, with no mortgage. I’ve told him where he can stick it.

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
ArchibaldsDaddy · 21/10/2016 21:37

He's clearly an utter belter...this should tell you all you need to know about him.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 21/10/2016 21:52

If this is real I can't believe it. Obviously pay your way, but charging market rate rent for a house he owns is greedy and sounds like he just wants you to move in to fund him. Does he work??

Tapandgo · 21/10/2016 21:56

Why are you still dating him after this big reveal?

Sprink · 21/10/2016 22:01

Oh so very many who've not read the thread. Or read it and misunderstood. Tut tut. Grin

RubbishMantra · 21/10/2016 22:14

Request he puts you on the title deeds if you agree to pay the £850.

You're his partner, not tenant ffs! IMO all he should be asking for are the extra costs incurred on household bills - electric, water, council tax (as he will no longer be entitled to single person's 25% discount). basically any extra costs incurred through you living there. Besides, you're sharing a bedroom, so effectively he's asking you to soley cover the cost of renting out his room to the pair of you.

(dd)DH was in the fortunate position to buy our home, whilst we were waiting for my house to sell. Did it occur to him to ask for rent in the meantime? No it did not.

First time saying this - LTB, if he doesn't address the problem of his squeaky arse and greed.

Moanranger · 21/10/2016 22:15

When my partner moved in with me, I worked out what 1/3 of the bills were, which he pays. (I have kids who also contribute to housing costs, so I figured 1/3 was a fair proportion for him). In addition, he contributes to the mortgage (also 1/3), which entitles him to 10% of equity in the house. I didn't think it was fair for him to move in without helping on mortgage, but I also thought it was fair for him to be granted proportional ownership rights. The monthly payment works out to about a typical rent in the local area, and I think we are all happy & feel it is equitable.
OP, f you do contribute to more than just bills, then you should have a stake in the equity of the house.

12345a · 21/10/2016 22:16

Leave him now. I lived in my partners house for 8 years. Although I didn't pay rent as he didn't want me contributing to the house legally ( he had a bad divorce previously) I was made to feel like a tenant daily until our relationship broke down and I left. You need to feel like an equal partner in a loving trusted relationship.

RubbishMantra · 21/10/2016 22:56

Request he puts you on the title deeds if you agree to pay the £850.

You're his partner, not tenant ffs! IMO all he should be asking for are the extra costs incurred by you living there on household bills - electric, water, council tax (as he will no longer be entitled to single person's 25% discount). Won't be much. Basically any extra costs incurred through you living there. Besides, you're sharing a bedroom, so effectively he's asking you to cover the cost of renting out his room to the pair of you.

He most likely has trustees (parents probably) advising him on this. Have a good, deep think as to whether he sees you or his trustees/parents more important than your relationship.

ddDH was in the fortunate position to buy our home, whilst we were waiting for my house to sell. Did it occur to him to ask for rent in the meantime? No it did not. (He was yet to become my Dh, and I, quite rightly, paid back my half of the cost of our home to the trust.)

I agree with putting extra money into a communal pot, but ensure you both make wills, together.

But... mostly I agree with run, run away - as fast as you can. Unless he pulls that silver spoon out of his arse.

RubbishMantra · 21/10/2016 23:00

*sorry for double posts, although slightly differing.

pollymere · 22/10/2016 00:09

Why doesn't he rent the room out then and you share his? Time to consider charging for sex... ;) I had a boyfriend like that. One night I woke up in the early hours, kissed him on the cheek and went straight into the arms who would've given me every penny he had. Been together nearly twenty years now. My ex used to make me sleep on the floor as he didn't think it was right to sleep in the same bed if we weren't married...

PolarBearLover14 · 22/10/2016 00:37

I got as far as page 10 of comments and am too tired to read any more so sorry if this points already been made...

Yes it's a dick thing to do if he's just making money.
Remember he owns this property and just because you are together doesn't entitle you to it...
Maybe he is thinking that by you paying him monthly, this means your buying into the house and it will be then owned 50/50 by you both that way?

CheerfulYank · 22/10/2016 06:49

Harsh are we reading the same thread? Confused

something2say · 22/10/2016 07:56

I think this is about him being wealthy and suspecting that everyone want to freeload off him.
Maybe being warned against that......be careful!! She's only out for your money!!! Don't let her move in free, why should she benefit from your wealth?
I think he's tight and mean and that my dear is a turn OFF!

Zandra01 · 22/10/2016 07:59

Stay in your own place.

Ticketybootoo · 22/10/2016 08:47

I agree with Vicques - excellent plan Smile

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2016 09:06

I am confused about all this talk of them splitting the bills, etc, op has stipulated that his bills are paid for by the Trust and he owns his house outright, so minimal outgoings at that!

Op also has made no bones about paying her way, and not freeloading, yet some are calling her a freeloader, wanting to live with him for free, which is untrue from op position. Op wants to pay her way, but at the same time, she does not want to be taken advantage of, which is happening here, quite rightly she has refused his offer, and his response to that is quite telling.

I believe op has had a narrow escape, he has given her a glimpse of how he really is like, he is a grown adult and can think and decide for himself. He sounds very pampered and molycoddled, and it seems he wants to use op money to benefit himself. The language and behaviour used by him, towards op is not that of a loving partner, but like a stranger.

I hope op has told him where to go and stick his £850pcm up his arse. I would rather rent through proper means, and have a proper contract, house/flat, tenants rights, than this!

tempester28 · 22/10/2016 09:13

I think you should expect to pay half of what he pays - that would be fair. However if he is not paying anything then he should not expect to make a profit out of you! I would be very wary of this person, especially as you say a familly trust pays his bills. I would question why that is? Personally I would urge you to maintain your independence from this situation - maybe rent a room elsewhere and stay with him when you feel like it and see how the relationship goes.

Beebeeeight · 22/10/2016 09:18

Ltb.

I had an ex try something like this.

Now I see what an arsehole he was.

He doesn't see you as a partner, only a meal ticket.

Theoretician · 22/10/2016 09:30

This is a comment about some of the respondents on this thread, not the OP.

As a man, I've learned quite a lot about the female perspective from being on this site over the last couple of years. In this thread I have learned something new, which is at odds with what a lot of (presumably different) women have said on other threads. I have lost count of the number of women on this thread who have joked that she should charge him for sex. Apparently there are a significant number of women who think that when a man and a women have a relationship in which they are roughly equals, being of similar age and as far as we know of similar relative attractiveness, it is nevertheless reasonable to presume that she is to some extent trading sex for money.

I don't have strong feelings about what people are saying, I'm just amazed that it's possible to say it here and not be immediately crucified. But I look around this thread, and see only the occasional murmur, and not a single cross.

TaraCarter · 22/10/2016 09:40

I have lost count of the number of women on this thread who have joked that she should charge him for sex.

Correctly labels it as a joke...

Apparently there are a significant number of women who think that when a man and a women have a relationship in which they are roughly equals, being of similar age and as far as we know of similar relative attractiveness, it is nevertheless reasonable to presume that she is to some extent trading sex for money.
Goes on to contradict self...

Oh fuck it, it's too early for this. You carry on.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/10/2016 09:49

theo the charging for sex is a joke!

mrsmuddlepies · 22/10/2016 10:14

Given the recent news stories about rape etc, jokes about charging a man for sex are not funny. I agree with you completely Theoretician. A lot of posters on here shoot themselves in the foot with these inappropriate 'jokes' about sexual favours. Ugh!

mrsmuddlepies · 22/10/2016 10:16

In fact the reference to 'jokes' reminds me of people who make racist/sexist comments and claim they are just 'joking'.

TaraCarter · 22/10/2016 10:21

The intention is to highlight the outlandishness of this man's suggestion through comic absurdity.

You do not charge your partner for sex, because it is not a service you are giving him in order to make money, it is something you are doing together because you both enjoy it. Or at least it bloody well should be.

You do not charge your partner an actual fee (as opposing to sharing living costs) to live with you, because you are not providing a service in order to make money, you are living together because you both want to be with each other.

TaraCarter · 22/10/2016 10:26

In similar vein, although going to a restaurant might cost £25 a head, I do not charge people I've invited round for dinner £25 a head to cover the costs of ingredients, utilities, house maintenance and my time cooking.