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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner seems to think he's my landlord AIBU?

681 replies

user1476961324 · 20/10/2016 12:15

TLDR: My boyfriend wants me to move into his house, and is asking for me to contribute what he would consider ‘market rent’ if he rented the room out.

He owns the house outright, and the associated costs (bills etc) are paid by a family trust. I.e. he has no living costs to be there. He’s an adult, FYI, we are in our thirties.

He has recently asked me various questions about how much people rent rooms for, what bills cost etc. I thought he was just interested, as he has never had to pay these costs.

He told me today that he thinks that I should pay £850 per month to live in his flat as that would be the market rate if he let a room out.

I had volunteered to pay half of bills… but £850? It’s only a two bed flat, with no mortgage. I’ve told him where he can stick it.

Am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
SheldonCRules · 21/10/2016 07:15

I think he will be justified in suggesting the charge if the OP doesn't agree or move in, it's clearly a test to ensure the other person will pay their way and is not looking for a free ride.

Only on MN is a man a cocklodger if he moves in and doesn't pay yet a women shouldn't be expected to pay or work in most cases.

OldBootNewBoots · 21/10/2016 07:17

You are fundamentally ignorant of the point that after 2 years together when you ask someone to move in, you shouldn't be needing to test them further. Plus it's obvious the partner was being opportunistic.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/10/2016 07:20

sheldon don't be so silly of course op was going to pay her way, just not 850 to line his pocket, leaving her poor and him richer. Ask him op what he was going to do with all that money, it's a lot, considering he has no outgoings!

Aeroflotgirl · 21/10/2016 07:31

Suggest that he rent his place, and you can find a rental property together so your on a level footing, see what he says.

ineedteanownotlater · 21/10/2016 08:10

Could you suggest a payment amount to him. Bear with me on this one been thinking about it all morning. But you say he earns less than you so for arguments sake let's say that figure is £700 take home per month. And for arguments sake let's say your take home is £1000 per month. Could you suggest a figure that leave you both with the same disposable income? So with the figures above as there are no bills or mortgage/rent to pay you would pay him £150 per month leaving you with £850 per month each? Then evenly split any additional costs such as food trips out or whatever else?

Oliversmumsarmy · 21/10/2016 08:27

Apologies for not RTFT but wouldn't the £850 be for a whole flat or even a private room not share accommodation.

Think I would have said yes to paying the £850. Then in the next breath asked him how much does he think someone charges for a blow job, full sex, cooking, cleaning, accompanying him on nights out. Then worked out how much he needed to pay you.

MrEBear · 21/10/2016 08:28

Op get in touch with your landlord and extend your tenancy.

Be grateful he has shown his true colours before you go any further. This relationship needs more time before you commit to it. What were the plans beyond moving in, engagement, marriage, kids?
I wouldn't be moving in unless marriage was on the cards, old fashioned yes, but that at least would give you some legal protection.
It
does sound like someone has put him up to the idea of you paying rent he needs to get to his own conclusions why that is not a good idea - who is going to inform HMRC - it would be classed as an income what is he 40% tax payer - so £300 of it wouldn't even be his. A bit of thought needs to be put into this financial arrangement.

Before going any further with this man I'd be wanting to know how kids would be paid for. Yes cost certainly increases with weight I used to think I'd be in for a massive saving once mine hit school and out of private nursery.
Although I I'd assume Mr User would want his kids going to private school?

GabsAlot · 21/10/2016 11:03

did he say then what he wants the money for if not profiterring from you?

JoJoSM2 · 21/10/2016 11:46

Sheldon, you missed the point. No one says that she should freeload. They could agree that e.g. She pays for shopping and the cleaner or sth. If you notice, he'd be better off if she moved in. However, OP well done for deciding not to move in with him - he sounds like an utter plonker and personally, I'd run a mile.

PersianCatLady · 21/10/2016 12:39

I could afford it and wanted to help him out with a rather stupidly big mortgage that was eating up his salary. I don't have a stake in the flat so maybe I have been foolish but the rent wasn't more than I was paying before so it wasn't a big loss for me
Actually further down the line if you do split up you may well have a claim for a stake in your partner's flat.

Muser54321 · 21/10/2016 12:59

I own my ow house but if i met somebody i loved enough to move in, i wouldnt charge them "market rate".
Id ask them to save for themself and pay half bills.

I was screwed by an x. I cant lose another home but i wouldnt exploit somebody i loved. Id want them to save, either for join future or in the event of splitting.

5moreminutes · 21/10/2016 13:06

Sheldon that sounds a lot like the old witchcraft trials by drowning - if you don't drown then you are a witch, if you aren't a witch you drown... If OP doesn't agree to pay commercial market rent for a private room in return for sharing her boyfriend's bed (in accommodation which costs him 0) she's a free loader, but if she does agree she's paying the price of a private room to him for the privilege of sharing his bed (I.e. she agrees to a really terrible deal for her in order to prove her purity of heart).

Either way it's academic now as OP clearly isn't going to choose to pay her boyfriend of 2 years £850 a month to live with him in a flat that costs him £0 as some kind of one sided proof of honourable intentions.

happyinthesunshine · 21/10/2016 13:07

OP I've read most of this thread. It would seem to me the only outlay he has for living and bills is the grocery bill. If I'm right, why not offer to cover a large part of the grocery bill (not meals out or take a ways). You could also offer to pay the extra 25% council tax he will incur as he will no longer be the sole occupant. It might be a fairer way to look at it. I wouldn't be paying any more. As you being his live in girlfriend will improve his quality of life. He can hardly charge you for that !

Then he has no extra income to declare, no big tax bill, you are not a tenant and life might move on.

His concept of money and what is fair is quite odd though and is setting alarm bells ringing.
Is he on the Spectrum?

My father is and this would be his logical way of looking at things. He once charged a friend of my mothers for 2 tins of food when she'd given up a whole day to scrub and clean for my mum after an operation.

If you do find yourself going further with him, take steps to protect yourself. Make sure your professional qualifications are up to date and take time to carry on practicing even just a few hours a week. Even after children (hindsight is a wonderful thing).

Aeroflotgirl · 21/10/2016 13:56

He told me today that he thinks that I should pay £850 per month to live in his flat as that would be the market rate if he let a room out He has recently asked me various questions about how much people rent rooms for, what bills cost etc. I thought he was just interested, as he has never had to pay these costs

This is not how a loving partner behaves. He does not seem like a loving partner, but cold and mercenary.

Mouseinahole · 21/10/2016 14:11

Where is the love in this relationship?
I can't imagine expecting someone I loved to pay to share my bed! It isn't OP who is being called a prostitute but her so called dp who is acting like one!

ZuleikaDobson · 21/10/2016 16:07

He is upset with me for suggesting he might be trying to make money out of me.

So he is presumably convinced that he isn't making money out of you. Given that his bank account would be better off to the tune of over £1K a month (including bill contributions), what exactly is his logic for that?

YelloDraw · 21/10/2016 16:34

Maybe he feels like OP only wanted to live with him so she could love for free and save £850 a month? I have to say, lots of people would stay in less than ideal relationships for the sake of saving £850 a month. That is like a pay rise of £15k when you think about tax.

DoinItFine · 21/10/2016 16:55

Maybe he feels like OP only wanted to live with him so she could love for free and save £850 a month?

Well if that's what he thinks he must feel very relieved to have rid himself of such an awful person.

RoseanneDownton · 21/10/2016 17:26

His suggesting such an outrageous thing would be relationship over for me.

If you had a kid together would he increase your rent?

dowhatnow · 21/10/2016 17:27

So he is presumably convinced that he isn't making money out of you. Given that his bank account would be better off to the tune of over £1K a month (including bill contributions), what exactly is his logic for that?

So op is convinced she isn't making money out of him. Given her bank account would be better off to the tune of about £850 (after bill contributions as she has to pay them now and will pay half his instead), What exactly is her logic for that?

Same scenario, just turned around.

You can't say its ok for her but not for him.
Share the "spare" money 50/50. Its the only fair way.

Stormtreader · 21/10/2016 17:28

I expect if they had a child, he would generously allow her to make up the missing rent while on maternity via some kind of installment plan once she went back to work.

riceuten · 21/10/2016 17:31

You sound more like a commercial proposition for him than a partner. I'd start looking elsewhere for a partner and a room, if I were you.

lolalola19 · 21/10/2016 17:34

My partner gives me £200 a month and I have paid my mortgage off. This covers all bills, I pay for all furniture, new dishwasher not long ago and that sort of thing, I also buy all toiletries, most food sometimes he gets takeaway etc I do all clothes washing, drying, make beds & cleaning, he occasionally hoovers and washes dishes etc

asterlogan · 21/10/2016 17:34

DUMP.......HIM. He sounds like a twat, excuse my French. Unless it's a test to see if you are after him for his money. Does this sound plausible?

bloosn · 21/10/2016 17:35

I'd say dump him..and I'm a bloke...