AIBU to be fuming with this woman? (Re: Adoption)

[BowieFan]

Basically a friend of a friend was on about kids on flights. I said I hated taking DS1 and DS2 on planes when they were little because they hated it, I did and so did everyone else on the plane. The woman said "Oh but you'd feel different if they were your biological kids!"

AIBU to be absolutely fuming about this? I know I should have a thicker skin, but it worries me that there are genuinely people out there who thinks my adopted kids are somehow lesser than hypothetical biological ones

[FluffyPineapple]

I get why people could think that about adoptee/biological.... I really do

Do you Fret? Please enlighten us as to your reasons why you "get" that someone could think that adopted children are not loved as much as bio children

[TiredyMcTired]

Hi BowieFan! Another Scouser here (sadly no longer in Liverpool ) and an adopter too. Been reading the thread but not commented over the last couple of days but finally couldn't help myself. Thing is, as an adopter, we know that there are utter numpties out there who hold these views (looks sideways at Fret) but they usually have the sense not to air their views in front of adopters/adoptees.
We went through hell to become a family, and we absolutely adore our son, he is the best thing that ever happened to us and we are so grateful to be his parents.

I occasionally get people who ask about his 'real Mum' and I just tilt my head and say "you're looking at her"! And then enjoy seeing their faces as they realise how crass they've been. Most of the time, if people don't understand then I try to explain what the most appropriate words are.

Luckily I've never come across anyone who has had the audacity to say that I couldn't love my son the same as they love their birth children I think any decent person with a brain cell would understand that this isn't true, only a person like the woman you describe would persist- she sounds like a Katie Hopkins type attention seeker, especially coming round to your house to repeat her idiotic comments! I would have loved to be a fly on the wall when your DH had a go at her, stupid cow.

[HazelBite]

Ds1 and my lovely DIL are hoping to adopt, the big "panel" interview is next month, I'm so excited at the thought of finally becoming a Grandma after all the disappointments of the past few years , I'm sure I won't love those GC's any less than any that come naturally in the future via my other Ds's

[FRETGNIKCUF]

I know I wouldn't love a step child as much as my own and wouldn't adopt for those reasons. But I understand that that is how I feel and know that is not how others feel.

No need to get snippy with me just because I can see someone else's point of view, the OP's friend was horrific and offensive. Clearly anyone who adopts knows they can and do love adopted children the same as biological. I know children treated horrifically by adopted and biological parents.

[FRETGNIKCUF]

There;'s a reason adoption is very very difficult, many people are not suited to adopt. And some adoptions fail. But to say to someone who has adopted that they don't love their child as much as if it were biological is beyond dumb and rude.

[Lottahugz]

@op where do you get friends like these, I will ask for a refund!

[GreatFuckability]

One of my DC is adopted, I love her as much as I love the ones who came out of my foof. Sometimes I love her even more than I love the bio ones, because she didn't ruin my foof..... Ignore people who say this shit. They are stupid. And Ignorant. And stupid.

[GreatFuckability]

Oh, and I once flew a transatlantic flight alone with all 3 kids being under 5 at the time. I can categorically state that I wanted to throw all of them out of the window repeatedly. No favourites in my house.

[drspouse]

I know I wouldn't love a step child as much as my own and wouldn't adopt for those reasons.

Do you have step children? If you don't, how do you know this?

And to be honest I imagine with step children it is going to depend a lot on the circumstances - how dependent they are on you - how long you've known them. Our DCs don't have anyone else who is their day to day parent. Most step children would have another parent too. It's a bit of an odd comparison.

[Mishaps]

For God's sake - stupid woman.

[BowieFan]

user1476781406

Yes, I do love my sons unconditionally. They are the best things in my life and I would give my life for them. I can not imagine loving anyone more than I love my kids. We went through so much to get them. I'm sorry that you couldn't feel the same way about an adopted child or a stepchild, but plenty of us can and do.

[BowieFan]

HazelBite

I hope it goes well for your DS and DIL!

We never knew we were unable to have children. We'd tried for a baby and failed and we started looking into adoption with a view to adopting an older child. It was a bit of a shock when we passed all the tests and we were told there were two twins who were going to need a home from birth due to some other factors. I was there at the birth and immediately fell in love with them. They are brilliant and amaze me every day. My in-laws treat them no different, same with my parents. They are just so pleased to have more grandchildren.

Frankly, I think there's something wrong with people who would treat a child differently just because they didn't give birth to them. I feel very sorry for them!

[Vixyboo]

An adopted child can grow up knowing he/she was chosen to be in the family who adopted them.

Please don't think too much about this woman. She is ignorant.

At least you are their mum and not her.

[Vixyboo]

Bowie- you adopted twins!!!!!!!!!!! Bloody hell!

I never want to sound or be ungrateful for any baby esp after losing one last year but I always hoped not to have twins! I have a two year old and I am 18 weeks pregnant.

The reason I never wanted twins was simply cos I did not feel I would cope. My family are far away and partner works full time and me part time. My friend has beautiful twins plus another child. She has so much energy and copes incredibly. I admire her so much.

To knowingly take on twins as you have blows my mind!! You are utterly selfless to do that. I love my son but one of him exhausts me!!!!

The question of much anyone loves their children is crazy. I have seen, through work, so many cases of neglect. Your boys sound very cherished and loved - I am sure they keep you busy!!!!

[ToastDemon]

I think that the step parent analogy is poor. A step parent is not a replacement parent in most circumstances, it's a completely different role and the child/children already have parents (be they birth or adopted).

[FRETGNIKCUF]

Okay... I don't think I could love any child as much as I do my biological ones. That's why I wouldn't be right to adopt. I accept that this is a possible failing of mine, but it's true. However I wouldn't assume that other people are like me and if they've chosen to adopt I'm guessing they love their children as much as I love mine. Honestly this isn't hard, I'm sure that's why it's bloody hard to adopt.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Anyone who told me my DM couldn't/doesn't love me as much as they love their kids would either be laughed at so hard I fell over or knocked the fuck out. It's dependent on their personality aka smug/pitying would get the punch and daft/unthinking would get laughed at.

Hope that helps from an adoptee's POV!

[BowieFan]

Thank you Vixyboo although I think I wasn't being selfless, I just kind of knew. We had always planned on having more than one child and when the offer of twins came up we both sort of just went for it. We tried for about 5 or 6 years after the twins to have a third, but after several lots of IVF and other treatments it just wasn't possible for us. We were considering adopting again but considering the hoops to jump through are even worse now than when we originally adopted, we decided we were happy with our sons.

There were times when they were exhausting and pissed me off sometimes they still do but like most kids, the good times outweigh the bad and I've been blessed with two amazing sons.

[DiegeticMuch]

OP, the woman who said that was stupid. You can't do much about stupid people.

[tonsiltennis]

Some of the views on this thread are bizarre. I had my son a few weeks after my sister adopted DN. When he was born and they put him on my chest I remember thinking "I'm meeting this little person I don't know!" And I felt the same when I saw DN. I've said to my sister many times that I know I definitely would love any child I adopted because i knew my son was just a baby I happened to give birth to, and DN was a baby that happened to have been born of someone else. Nothing more or less.


(Alright Scousers! Woolly back waving here!)

[user1471855186]

I couldn't say it any better than SquinkiesRule -
Stupid woman. What in fuck does being adopted have to do with flying?

[Littlemixedup]

I'm a mum of 3 adopted, gorgeous children. Thanks to the majority of posters here, for giving your thoughts. @OP I have had some (thankfully rare) awful comments ("my child won't be allowed to tea at a house like yours" being the real ouchy one). Thankful the majority aren't like that, and that's hard to see when one playground (alpha ish) mum is a bit of a cow.

[DailyMailPenisPieces]

Oh wow BowieFan'sDP good for you!

[shoebedo434]

bit late to the party but going to have my say anyway
as a mother with an adopted son, I am furious at what that woman said to you. I have had some stupid and thoughtless comments said to me before but nothing as nasty and appalling as that. I am so angry on your behalf.
I am not shy in correcting people when they ask about my sons past.
where are his "real parents?". well one is at work and one is standing in front of you. why was he taken away from them? none of your business.
I find it is the friends of friends or random people who make the stupid comments, my family and friends just see him as our son and like us, half the time they forget he was adopted.
i'm sorry you had the unfortunate experience of speaking to this person and hopefully you can avoid them in the future

[shoebedo434]

can I just add my friend recently adopted 3 children under 5! now that is brave!