AIBU to be fuming with this woman? (Re: Adoption)

[BowieFan]

Basically a friend of a friend was on about kids on flights. I said I hated taking DS1 and DS2 on planes when they were little because they hated it, I did and so did everyone else on the plane. The woman said "Oh but you'd feel different if they were your biological kids!"

AIBU to be absolutely fuming about this? I know I should have a thicker skin, but it worries me that there are genuinely people out there who thinks my adopted kids are somehow lesser than hypothetical biological ones

[ShmooBooMoo]

You should have asked her to elaborate and watched her squirm.

Did you say anything to her? Maybe you should have set her straight if you didn't.

[RoseGoldHippie]

I'm sorry, she said WHAT to you? YADNBU!

[OhThatThingAgain]

Oh that old chestnut, because they are not really your children right?

Bollocks, tell that to my dad who adopted me 43 years ago and watch him take that person down in flames.

I can remember one incident (and their were many) where a woman along our street peered into our car and proclaimed to my dad that I was 'very pretty'. And then went on to say...you've been lucky to get such a good one considering.

My dad quietly assured her that it wasn't luck and that I was simply his daughter. And then asked what exactly she meant by 'lucky' and 'considering what'?

It shut the old busybody up, but there were always lots of comments. My dad got really good at the quiet, well timed put down. Never a raised voice or anything, just a withering stare and uncomfortable question shot straight back.

Am I my dad's daughter? You bet I am!

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I'd prefer to be on a plane with your kids whether or not they hated the flight than on a plane with her ever.

[seven201]

What an ignorant bitch! I'm sorry you had to experience her.

[JellyBelli]

Are your friends still friends with her
I'd dump her for saying that. Its ignorant and uncalled for.

[1pink4blue]

You are a lot more restrained than me I would have lamped the bitch

[LostAtSea2]

Stupid is as stupid does

We have two children, the younger of which is adopted and, hand on heart, I could not love them both any more than I do. There is NO difference in how I feel about either of them other than with our youngest that we need to ensure that her birth mum remains part of her history as one day we do expect that she will want to meet her.

Sometimes they are little sods, sometimes they are angels. Sometimes they make us angry and other times, in a split second, they can make our hearts melt.

I love our family unit and the challenges it brings and like you we have had some strange comments, normally along the lines of 'is it because she is adopted' as a response to behaviour, illness etc. We feel lucky that we can confidently respond with 'no, it is because she is a toddler/little sod/lovely etc'

Water off a ducks back after a few years but I would have gone mad had someone said something like that to myself or my wife

[user1474371557]

our family had an acquaintance who once (very foolishly said) I would never adopt as you would never know what you would get to which my mother said "well you never know what you are giving birth to - think of Hitler's mum". When I adopted and then my adopted daughter passed away (car accident) my pain could not have been greater. So Bowie Fan love those kids every day and ignore that B or send her round to me and I'll deal with her for you (and believe it or not I am usually really peace loving)

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

user1474371557

Sorry for your loss

[BowieFan]

JellyBelli

No, she's not my friend. Just someone I know to say hello to through my other friend really. My proper friend has said she's going to stop speaking to her as well, because she can't be friends with someone who said something like that and still maintained what she said after being challenged.

It's a good job my MIL wasn't there, she'd have wiped the floor with them. She'd have made it quite clear that she treats all her Grandchildren the same, regardless of if they are biologically related to her or not. She's been one of the many people who has always defended us against this kind of thing.

It irked me even more that the woman saying this is quite happy to just let her kids run rampant with friends or family whilst she runs off with her boyfriend. And who is the one who doesn't love their kids?

[BowieFan]

Lostatsea2

We had that. DS1 went through a goth stage earlier this year and some parent at DS1's school said "Oh is he acting out because he's adopted?" and DP said, "No, he's acting out because he's a 13 year old..."

[LostAtSea2]

Lol

I find the easiest way to deal with it at times is to wind them up a little more myself.

[LeilaB123]

My total sympathies. She sounds like an absolute idiot. I have 3 adopted children and have had my fair share of stupid comments. From "Where did they come from?" (none of your business but I think they were 'made' in the usual way!!) to "Do you know anything about their background?" (yes - but I'm not telling you.) to other bonkers ones about people gushing "Oh but you look so alike!" - this one goes on for ages. I don't get it - we don't look alike, we aren't even the same race. But whether we did or we didn't is by the by - I just don't get why its such a thing for many people to seem to validate their adoption status (or maybe undermine it?? I dunno) by banging on and on about how we look alike.

Personally I put it down to people not knowing what to say and then trying to say something and it coming out all wrong. That's the issue for most people. Others - like your friend - are just absolute morons who need a strip tearing off them. I wonder if her kids know she only loves them so much because they share some of her DNA??!

[MycatsaPirate]

I'm adopted and if someone said to my parents (my dad especially) the comments this woman said to you, she'd be looking for her teeth for a week (not really but he wouldn't tolerate bollocks like this - he's actually a gentle quiet man).

I wonder if she would have the audacity to say to the dc that they aren't loved as much as they could be considering they didn't come out of your body? I doubt it very much so she shouldn't have said that to you either.

Silly bitch needs to keep her mouth closed and her awful opinions to themselves.

FWIW I would rather sit on the wing of a plane than travel inside with any toddler whether my own or someone elses.

[skilledintheartofnothing]

I did say, "Excuse me, do you think I love my children any less just because I didn't give birth to them?" and she said "I'm sure you love them, but you don't love them the same way you would do if they were actually yours" At that point I was close to unleashing hell on her, so I just walked away.
.

Yes because if Biology had anything to do with how much you loved your children then a lot of childrens homes would be empty...fuckwit

[BowieFan]

Mycatsapirate

My DP and MIL are the same way. I have to bite my tongue a lot because no doubt I teach the kids of someone in that room and I didn't want to make a big scene of it. I did challenge her on it just to give her the chance to back down but when it was obvious she saw nothing wrong with what she said, I thought I'd better leave it because I'd end up in a fight or something.

Best friend has since saw this woman this afternoon and challenged her on it again. Friend took her to task and the woman still thinks she didn't say anything wrong. She's coming round tonight apparently to "clear the air" (I imagine she'll explain to me why she's right and I'll have to hold back...)

[Firsttimer82]

She sounds very stupid tbh. You on the other hand sound fab.

[BowieFan]

**earlier last year, I should have said.

DS1's grown out of the Goth thing now, thank god. He was nicking all my eyeliner.

[BowieFan]

Thank you for that Firsttimer82 I'll tell my kids that every time they say I'm uncool!

[Pardonwhat]

YABU not to have lamped her .
Stupid cow.

[FannyWincham]

She's coming round tonight apparently to "clear the air" (I imagine she'll explain to me why she's right and I'll have to hold back...)

Unless she opens with nothing short of a full, genuine apology, ask her to leave your house immediately. Ignorant woman.

[MagikarpetRide]

We had that. DS1 went through a goth stage earlier this year and some parent at DS1's school said "Oh is he acting out because he's adopted?" and DP said, "No, he's acting out because he's a 13 year old..." 

That reminds me of the time someone said something similar to one of my aunts. The person had gotten confused that my cousin was adopted, he was an ivf baby. When asked the same question my aunt replied in her best withering tone 'he's not adopted, he just wishes he was'.

[crispandcheesesanwichplease]

Oh OP. What a twat. As a pp said, if bio parents were so superior there wouldn't be any kids needing to be adopted.

For the record my DD is adopted. Whilst reading this thread we've just had one of her mates knock at the door. He is bio child of his parents. It's his birthday tomorrow and we invited him for tea one night to celebrate. He just been to ask if he can come tomorrow, his actual birthday, as his parents aren't doing anything special on the day.

That woman who made those comments to you is way too ignorant and insensitive to have been allowed children imo, and she certainly wouldn't be approved as an adopter or foster career.

[Shallishanti]

she really doesn't know when to stop, does she!