AIBU to be fuming with this woman? (Re: Adoption)

[BowieFan]

Basically a friend of a friend was on about kids on flights. I said I hated taking DS1 and DS2 on planes when they were little because they hated it, I did and so did everyone else on the plane. The woman said "Oh but you'd feel different if they were your biological kids!"

AIBU to be absolutely fuming about this? I know I should have a thicker skin, but it worries me that there are genuinely people out there who thinks my adopted kids are somehow lesser than hypothetical biological ones

I'm a fellow adoptee and couldn't agree more with PP (sorry don't know how to bold): As an adoptee I'm firmly on your side on this one. I despise when people refer to my bio Mum as my "real" mum. Eh naw, my mum and dad (long history of majorly complicated relationship with my Mum) are my real mum and dad. Ups, downs, arguments, fallouts whatever, they fed me, clothed me, loved me, kicked my arse when I needed it and got up in the night when I was poorly. Adopted or not your kids are your kids, pregnancy or not you are their Mum! I'm so sorry someone said this to you, what a shitty thing to say. They're a twat IMO. Never let anyone make you feel "less of a mum" because you're not, you're their Mum and you're amazing.

tonsiltennis

Yes, my friend pulled her up on it as well. Quite a few people stood around looked a bit shocked at what she'd said but she still maintains what she said is true, even if I say otherwise.

Needless to say, don't think I'll be talking to her again in the future.

I think it is very strange to think that way but even stranger to express her feelings to you. Surely she realised that she would cause offence and would look like a complete idiot. I don't think people generally do think like her though!!!

It goes to show how ignorant some people are when even the kids I taught 14 years ago were more informed. They were wondering why I was going on maternity leave despite not being pregnant and I explained to them about adoption. They were all super interested.

Sadly, I think there are probably quite a few people like this woman who have never experienced what it's like to be unable to conceive biologically but you still want to raise a child and so you jump through even more hoops to adopt one. Like I said, I absolutely love my DCs. Both we and they know what we had to go through to bring them here, so I feel like we both have a lot of mutual respect for each other.

You don't need to grow a thicker skin OP. She needs to grow a brain and engage it! Totally outrageous thing to say and utterly ridiculous to anyone with a brain and/ or a heart.

She is definitely in the wrong and everyone who heard her thinks she's a twat, you can be sure of that

Bowiefan I just wanted to say that I have the utmost admiration for those who adopt (and Foster) I have been fortunate, after a rocky start, to have birth children BUT my best friend is adopted and from a very very young age I've always thought it was just another form of family. I hate the distinctions out in place of adopted and half and step (I'm a half sibling) those who haven't got "different" families somehow think it's acceptable to put tags in place to make y more uncomfortable when actually this is the family you have and always have known.

if I'd been with you I don't think I'd have been able to control myself!
It's people like her that make adoptees feel like lesser beings, when actually they are the chosen ones, they didn't just randomly pitch up outside yr home like a stray kitten that you feel sorry for and feed. Karma will get her when her teenagers decide she's a monumental cowbag and they won't bring their friends over because she is too much of a gobshite!

Again, adopters you are heroes for having never given up on what you want most, for loving children that have become yours , well really for everything. And all that the adopters I know are just so grateful and thankful and can't see that they are heroes. To adoptees, always remember how much y are wanted, how you are your parents children. And to those that can't see how much hurt they cause with their views - what makes you such a special parent?

I hope that made sense, but if I'd heard those comments I'd have leapt at her!

What an idiot. Biology has bugger all to do with anything. My ex is the biological father of my children, yet he is lazy and distant with my children. Yet their stepdaughter, my husband... He's amazing with them. I'd have a word with your friend, what she's said is deeply offensive!

Step father*

Thank you for that Crystal15

It did upset me, I must admit. I sat and cried in the car when I got home. I feel like I should have done more than challenge her, but I didn't want to turn it into a spectacle. It just upsets me that this is probably something my DCs have had to deal with.

WTF. Hope she isn't a friend, because, well....she's obviously not! B*tch!

Wtf. They are your kids though. Fwiw I hate flying with DD, and she definitely fell out of my fanny.

Bowie. Give her the benefit of thr doubt but if she says anything offensive again don't hold back. I wouldn't worry too much about others thinking in such an ignorant way. Must people know adoptive parents are equals. After all you do the same job and love the same way. She's stupid to assume biological parents feel more. You only have to look at the news most days to see that biology isn't what makes a parent, if it was then why do we hear about harm and abuse.

Yanbu
She needs a zip on her mouth. Stupid ignorant woman.
They are your dc, she is nothing to you.

Give her the benefit of thr doubt

I don't think there's any remaining doubt here. She was directly challenged and repeated her ignorant comment.

I think you showed wonderful restraint, YANBU whatsoever! What a trogamadite!
My sister was adopted, and our mum has never ever treated her any differently whatsoever, she is her child, end of. No preferential treatment, no extra gravy for me just because I was hers, our mum just has so much love to give, and she dishes it out to all of us the very same, and if this woman had one ounce of sense, she would have realised what a stupid hurtful statement she had made. I would have kicked her in the flaps.
But then I can be very childish lol.

That's so rude and makes no sense. I have 5 biological children and won't be taking any of them on a plane any time soon.

MagikarpetRide how can you refer to your children (or anyone's children come to that) as "those fuckers"?

Oh dear, that woman has issues. I don't know what issues they are, but she definitely has them.

She MUST be regretting having said that now. Bet she comes up with some pathetic excuse next time you see her about what she really meant to say.
Tell as many people as you can about what she said and how upset you are. They will be horrified.

What a bizarre view to have, and how bloody rude to voice it. I would have decked her and I'm not a violent person. My nephew is adopted and seeing the hoops my DB and his wife had to go through to get him, wow, adopters have my utmost respect. To suggest parents feel differently about their non-bio children is rubbish. Family is family, regardless of genetics.

mynest I can very easily refer to my own children as that. I've been trapped in confined spaces with relatively little entertainment for them because what they've chosen and we've taken with us apparently isn't good enough I also refer to my cat like that too when she's busy destroying our staircase.

Op I feel your pain I had this on Saturday at a Ann summers I went to people were asking me about the girls

And one lady asked me if I was going to have my own because you know it's not really the same as loving an adopted child

That woman is a smug cow.

I've seen adoptive parents lavish care and love on their DCs. The child next door is adopted and such a cutie, her parents clearly dote on her.

I've seen natural parents who clearly hated their DCs. The bruises were one obvious sign.

This woman is just so ignorant.

Oh OP I am so sorry you had to hear that. That's a really vicious thing for her to say.

Disgusting, show her this thread.

Mynestisfullofempty

I think most parents feel like that at some point. I've definitely called my lads little shits in conversation with DP.

Called the cats that too, and the dog. And the gay rooster. It's just a way of relieving stress when they've done something to irritate you. I'd recommend being stuck halfway up Snowdon on the train with two 10 year olds if you want to know why I call them "little shits" sometimes!