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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my mother spend Christmas Day on her own?

87 replies

steppinstone · 16/10/2016 22:16

My mother is hard work. Doesn't really have any friends as she falls out with everyone. My siblings don't want to spend Christmas with her.

We have my DC every other Christmas as I'm divorced. On the Christmases we've not had the DC we haven't really celebrated, just stayed in bed and watched films. It feels a bit sad without the children, although we have a nice quiet time.

The years we have the children, we do have my mum for Christmas Day.

The years we don't, I don't want to have to 'put on' Christmas just for her. We have her on Boxing Day when the DC are here and we have 'our'christmas day.

AIBU? I feel slightly bad for making her spend the day alone. But I know I will dread Christmas if we had to spend it with her I her own.

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 16/10/2016 22:19

Not at all! I do everything possible not to spend it with mine

Catsize · 16/10/2016 22:23

I think you need to explain more about your mum. Christmas is a time when we drop the 'Me, Me, Me' and do things for others usually. How will your mum feel on her own? Will you genuinely feel okay about her spending it alone? What's the back story with the siblings?

YouTheCat · 16/10/2016 22:23

It's not like you're excluding her. You're just celebrating on a different day.

It seems like the perfect plan.

NauseousKitty · 16/10/2016 22:25

God no! You're doing more than your siblings do. Cut yourself some slack and enjoy/wallow on Christmas Day.

Original poster
steppinstone · 16/10/2016 22:26

She is very narcissistic. This is why she is such hard work. I am not very fond of her.

She has behaved badly (narcissistically!) with siblings. She has other relatives too but none that really like her unfortunately.

OP posts:
tigerdriverII · 16/10/2016 22:26

Do what you want want to do. Don't run around accommodating other people!

YippeeTeenager · 16/10/2016 22:30

Yes, YABU, it's one day, just one day, when we should all do our best to be kind and show a bit of love to others. I don't think you'd have posted if you thought it was really OK. If it's really that bad having her undiluted, could you go out to lunch to break it up a bit? Or invite siblings round too so it's not just you bearing the weight of it?

ImperialBlether · 16/10/2016 22:30

I'd leave her to her own devices, personally, but I'm concerned that every other year you don't do anything nice for Christmas. You can have a lazy day without just staying in bed all day - it sounds a bit depressing, really. Can you think of other things you could do?

caitlinohara · 16/10/2016 22:33

Spending time with people you don't like and being stressed about it: it's the true spirit of Christmas! YABU.

mydietstartsmonday · 16/10/2016 22:33

She is your mother. The only one you have. How does she feel to be left alone on Christmas Day, very sad all round really.

MitzyLeFrouf · 16/10/2016 22:37

You're giving her Christmas Day just on the 26th instead. No need to feel guilty.

I agree with Imperial though, your own Christmas Day sounds so joyless. Why cancel Christmas day for yourself just because your kids aren't there?

Onthecouchagain · 16/10/2016 22:38

It's your mum and it Christmas.

Don't be be a selfish heartless twonk. Try to extend some Christmas spirit.

mellowfartfulness · 16/10/2016 22:38

I don't see my mum on Christmas Day every year. Last year we didn't just because we had a new baby and were exhausted. Lots of people have to alternate Christmases with their partner's family and what have you - it's normal not to spend the day itself with your own parent(s) every single year. So long as you're seeing her at some point, it's fine. She might feel fed up on her own but then by the sound of it she'd have more people around her if she behaved better - it's not your job to be her entire social circle.

Flisspaps · 16/10/2016 22:42

I don't se why you should have to be nice to someone - anyone - who isn't pleasant to you just because they happen to be related to you.

Even at Christmas.

You're not forcing her to be alone, there are consequences to being a narc which is why your siblings don't have her for Christmas. If she wasn't unpleasant, she'd have options open to her.

Birdandsparrow · 16/10/2016 22:45

Oh give over people with the she's your mum, you've only got one mum crap. Some mothers are horrible and this one certainly sounds it.

dowhatnow · 16/10/2016 22:46

You are having her for Christmas, it's just your Christmas Day happens to be on the 26th when the kids are there. Don't feel guilty.

user1476140278 · 16/10/2016 22:46

In your shoes I"d be having my Mum for a nice grown up Christmas. You don't have to "Put on" Christmas. Just have a nice lunch and chocolates and watch the Christmas tv.

Why stay in bed? It seems very miserable and selfish.

Catsize · 16/10/2016 22:49

I wonder what her background is to make her like that.

willowcatkin111 · 16/10/2016 22:51

Your siblings won't have her so why should you? My mother is like this and my brother won't have her for Christmas so we have ended up having her for the last 10 years or so. This year I am too unwell to even consider it. She is being told we are going away for Christmas (we may well do) and will have to sort herself out or maybe my brother will take her in but this year my health comes first.

girlandboy · 16/10/2016 22:51

She is your mother. The only one you have. How does she feel to be left alone on Christmas Day, very sad all round really

I have a mother too. And there is no way on God's Green Earth that I'll be seeing mine at Christmas. We're not all blessed with lovely mothers you know! And yes, I know she's the only one I have but that is no reason to pander any more to her nastiness and narcissistic behaviour.

OP, YANU to not see your mum on Christmas day. If she's anything like mine (and she sounds like it) then she's only got herself to blame for being alone.

YeOldMa · 16/10/2016 22:53

After years of having my Mum to Xmas with her criticising everything I did and stabbing me in the back the moment it was turned I made a decision to never have her again on Christmas day. I have open house on Boxing Day with all the kids and their families so she is welcome to join us then. Quite frankly, it was the best thing I've ever done for me and my family. She hints about an invite to Christmas lunch and still moans on Boxing Day but I can shrug that off knowing that I will not have to face her ruining Christmas Day with my core family. As far as I am concerned she reaps what she sows. I put up with her the rest of the year round and do my penance.

DixieWishbone · 16/10/2016 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ratspeaker · 16/10/2016 23:00

Whyshoud you put on Christmas for her.
.
Would she do the same for you?

.

hmcAsWas · 16/10/2016 23:06

Can't you come to a compromise and have her over for a few hours in the evening? (assuming that she lives locally)

MistressDeeCee · 16/10/2016 23:12

Nice for people that have a great mother. I don't, and Id rather stick pins in my eyes than spend any day with her. I don't see her at Christmas but my brother does, then he pops over to us in the evening. OP if you don't want to spend Christmas with her then don't, her feet aren't glued to the ground are they, she has other relatives - and hopefully some friends?

My DDs get on well enough with their gran although they don't take any crap from her - only today I asked if they wanted to see her at Christmas, they said maybe at some stage. If they decide yes then I'll drive them over in the evening, go off spend time with a friend then pick them up later

Bit sad that your DCs don't want to spend christmas with your mum but if thats the way of it then they don't have to so hopefully, she will make other arrangements but if you're not having her over for Christmas then find a way to tell her well in advance so she knows