To make my mother spend Christmas Day on her own?

[steppinstone]

My mother is hard work. Doesn't really have any friends as she falls out with everyone. My siblings don't want to spend Christmas with her.

We have my DC every other Christmas as I'm divorced. On the Christmases we've not had the DC we haven't really celebrated, just stayed in bed and watched films. It feels a bit sad without the children, although we have a nice quiet time.

The years we have the children, we do have my mum for Christmas Day.

The years we don't, I don't want to have to 'put on' Christmas just for her. We have her on Boxing Day when the DC are here and we have 'our'christmas day.

AIBU? I feel slightly bad for making her spend the day alone. But I know I will dread Christmas if we had to spend it with her I her own.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I think a day in pjs watching telly sounds lovely!

I think you should do what you want. If you want to ring her in the morning to say happy christmas, you can. If she lives very locally, if you want you can visit her, or invite her around for tea, but if you don't want to, you don't have to. She's coming on Boxing Day - that's enough.

[girlywhirly]

YANBU. You have this unpleasant woman on Christmas days when the DC are with you, and on Boxing days when they are not. I don't see any problem with that, it's not as if you refuse to see her at all.

OP, I understand exactly what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is and how it destroys the lives of families, and spoils family events. Sometimes you need to not be around these people, and strangely they often upset so many, that they lose friends and aren't invited anywhere. I don't think the one person should spoil the enjoyment of many others.

[SparkleSausage]

YANBU - you are having her for your Christmas Day it just happens to be on Boxing Day. It's just a day. Don't beat yourself up, just focus on dealing with your own day without DC and not worrying about anyone else. People who don't have this sort of relationship will never understand!

[diddl]

Have I read this correctly?

One year you do Christmas Day on Christmas Day & invite her?

The next you do Christmas Day on Boxing Day & invite her?

It might be nice to have tea/coffee/cake & have her for that for a couple of hrs if she's close enough, but if you're celebrating Christmas the next day, she's not missing anything, is she?

Or she could invite you if she didn't want to spend CD alone.
(again, distance permitting)

So she celebrates Christmas with you every year, it just alternates between CD & BD?

[FRETGNIKCUF]

God..

I could write this OP.

[ThatStewie]

Giving birth to a child does not mean they are required to spend the rest of their lives prioritising you if you act like a dick.

The 'you only have one mother' is the kind of horseshit that traps women in relationships with violent men: if only they'd worked harder, been nicer, then the poor ickle men/mothers/ fathers/ whatever wouldn't have had to treat them like crap.

[DiscoMike]

She's having Christmas at yours on Boxing day - that's enough.

[Inertia]

You are definitely NOT BU.

You will be inviting your mother to share and celebrate Christmas with you and your family , despite her poor treatment of you. It's just that you've planned that for the 26th when you have the children, not the 25th. And you have your mother with you for every Christmas Day when the children are with you anyway.

You are already doing more than your fair share of absorbing your mother's toxicity. Do not listen to the handwringing on here about only having one mother and how selfish you would be to do Christmas with your mother and children on Boxing Day and do your own thing on the 25th- you are absolutely not being selfish, and there are numerous other family members she could visit.

I think you are being more than fair to tell her that she is welcome on the 26th when you celebrate Christmas, but you'll be having a quiet day with DP on the 25th so your mum should arrange to see other family members. (It's also not your responsibility to sort out where she goes! She's not incapable or infirm, just objectionable!)

[mollie123]

did your mother ask to come to you on Christmas day when the grandchildren were not there? - in which case why get in a lather or feel guilty about not seeing her till Boxing day.

[Lottapianos]

YANBU at all OP and I'm glad you know that. I completely relate to the guilt though - I'm not spending Christmas with my parents for about the fourth year in a row and have had a massive attack of guilt in the past week or so. Like another poster said, it gets trained into you from a very early age with parents like this.

Some people on here get it, some people don't. Plenty of us understand and are telling you that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Have a day in bed if that's what you feel like. Its Christmas, not National Martyrdom Day. You're allowed to have an enjoyable day for yourself, whatever you fancy do ing

[Rachel0Greep]

Its Christmas, not National Martyrdom Day.

This should be patented! It's so very true.
OP I can't see any problem, tbh, with what you do.

[LetitiaCropleysCookbook]

From what the op has said, I would take it that her mother is 'difficult' and negative, rather than horrible and abusive. The former is draining, but not as poisonous as the latter, and I can understand not wanting to have the bother, but feeling guilty because of all the Xmas-family-jollity hype that surrounds Christmas now.

If you're really going to be torturing yourself over your mother being alone on the day, op, could you possibly go over to hers for Xmas tea? (Don't know how far away she is). An hour or so would be enough, just so she has had some visitors, and would assuage your guilt (which can be difficult to live with, no matter how unnecessary!)

Or as pp have suggested, take her out to Xmas lunch. You might enjoy it, and her negativity may be diluted when out at a hotel or restaurant?