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AIBU?

To make my mother spend Christmas Day on her own?

87 replies

steppinstone · 16/10/2016 22:16

My mother is hard work. Doesn't really have any friends as she falls out with everyone. My siblings don't want to spend Christmas with her.

We have my DC every other Christmas as I'm divorced. On the Christmases we've not had the DC we haven't really celebrated, just stayed in bed and watched films. It feels a bit sad without the children, although we have a nice quiet time.

The years we have the children, we do have my mum for Christmas Day.

The years we don't, I don't want to have to 'put on' Christmas just for her. We have her on Boxing Day when the DC are here and we have 'our'christmas day.

AIBU? I feel slightly bad for making her spend the day alone. But I know I will dread Christmas if we had to spend it with her I her own.

OP posts:

Report

Liiinoo · 16/10/2016 23:19

Until I had a DH and DCs my preferred Christmas was to stay in my flat on my own watching tv and reading whilst eating the foods of my choice. These included Wotsits, roast potatoes and meringues. And wine. I used to meet up with family on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day when the manic pressure to enjoy myself was relieved. However at that time of my life my mum had my DDad to spend Christmas with her. If I tried to do the same again she would be 4 miles away on her tod and lonely.

OP, I totally sympathise with your position. Any pleasure you might get from a solitary day will be outweighed by the knowledge of your mums loneliness. OTH, given what you say about your mum if you invite her over she will probably suck any possible fun out of the day.

I would tell a big old lie - DFs have invited me to spend Christmas with them on a deserted island far, far away. That might push mum into making alternative arragmements for herself. As your DFs are inevitably going to cancel at the last possible minute you then have the choice of keeping quiet about it and staying home alone so as not to wreck your mums plans OR making a last minute arrangement to pop over to hers at some point. But you won't be able to stay long as transport is such a 'mare on Christmas Day.

BackforGood · 16/10/2016 23:22

So many factors that we don't know....
Is she local?
Would she walk round / home or drive herself?
How do your siblings not take a turn? (It sounds as if you have more than one sibling and yet you are already having her every other year, and also on Boxing Day on the year she doesn't come to you on Christmas Day)?
How 'objectionable' is she when she's there? (As in, as some have suggested, if she just came for either dinner or tea and it was an ordinary meal, nothing grand)

TallulahTheTiger · 16/10/2016 23:23

Why do people always say 'she's your mum.. You cant not invite her/let her be alone' where's the advice for the mother 'she's your daughter- don't be a dick'!

PenelopeFlintstone · 16/10/2016 23:29

Could you get her to put on a nice but late lunch on Christmas Day, and just pop over for that for a couple of hours? You'll still get to laze around for the first half of the day, but her lonely Christmas Day will be broken up.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 16/10/2016 23:36

She is your mother. The only one you have.

You are right of course however the op does have siblings so op you should be completely selfless and let one of your siblings enjoy christmas with their mother. Enjoy your relaxing day it sounds wonderful to me.

GCHQMonitoring · 16/10/2016 23:41

Do what you like on the christmas day you don't have your kids. You have your mum every christmas anyway, it's just that alternate years you don't celebrate unti, Boxing day.

Given that your siblings don't have her, I dont see why posters are berating you for not having her every christmas day

gleam · 17/10/2016 01:28

'She's your daughter - don't be a dick!' - love it.

LuluJakey1 · 17/10/2016 01:35

My parents are both dead. DH's mum, dad and granny will come up her and stay with his SIL. We will go for lunch on Christmas Day. It is enough.
DS will be almost 2 and I will be 5 months pregnant. We'll have them all here for tea on Boxing Day.
However, saying that, I always had my mum. She was frail and loved DH and even though she drove me mad I loved her to bits.

YouTheCat · 17/10/2016 07:32

I can't stand all this 'aw but you only have one mum' crap.

I had a brilliant mum. She's been dead for a long time and I'd give anything for one more Christmas with her and my dad. Luckily for me, my mum wasn't a narc who sucked the joy out of life.

I don't see how the OP's mum's festive fun is her responsibility. No one else will have her because of her past behaviour so why should the OP?

Crispsheets · 17/10/2016 07:38

Some people deserve to be on their own at Xmas. Might make them reflect on their behaviour.

mollie123 · 17/10/2016 07:47

has your mother said she wants to spend Christmas day with you when her grandchildren are not there? not clear from your OP

myownprivateidaho · 17/10/2016 07:47

I think YABU, unless there's some huge drip feed about your mum being abusive. If you KNOW she'll be sad about being alone on Christmas day (as would many people) it's extremely selfish not to have her over. Do it for the karma if not for her! Would you like your kids to do the same one day?

MLGs · 17/10/2016 08:07

Yanbu.

A restful day in bed sounds a good plan.

As others have said, you are having her for your Christmas. Although a few hours in the evening might be a good compromise.

Kazplus2 · 17/10/2016 08:08

Yabu for leaving her on her own. It's Xmas and a day that at least a bit of it should be with family. For her to be on her own would be very sad. This is from someone who is an only child with a single parent mum has to think of her every year. Remember the things she has done for you over the years and do this for her. Doesn't need to be all day. You can have 'plans' for later that means she has to leave by a set time. Get the brandy out, have a few laughs, eat out if too stressful but make the most of it. What you siblings do is between them and their conscience!

Birdandsparrow · 17/10/2016 08:23

Remember the things she has done for you over the years, what? Like being enough of a cunt that nobody else wants to spend time with her?
All of you "you only have one mum" people, I'm really glad you had lovely mums, some people's mum are not. It is OK not to want to spend time with them. They don't have to be beating the shite out of you either to be horrible people. My mother has never been physically abusive, she's still a deeply horrible old woman who I have no contact with. If you met her I'm sure you'd think she was lovely. She isn't.

sparechange · 17/10/2016 08:27

No, enjoy your low key day

She is an adult. She has had plenty of time to learn that if you treat people like shit, there are consequences like spending Christmas alone.
If she doesn't want to spend Christmas alone, she can stop being unpleasant to be around.

steppinstone · 17/10/2016 08:27

She is not abusive but she is not nice to spend time with. I and many others have tried to address this with her over the years but she will not absorb it. She is just relentlessly negative.

I have two siblings but neither will let her 'ruin' another Christmas with them. She also has several sisters. We can't face it either. Her relentless complaining is just draining.

Yes I feel bad about it. But I have spent Christmases on my own when single (preferable to spending it with her!) and made the most of it, visiting friends or volunteering etc

OP posts:

Crispsheets · 17/10/2016 08:30

Some people just don't get it do they?
Is a person going to stop being unpleasant because its Xmas? No they're not.
So why should they ruin everyone else's day?

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 17/10/2016 08:30

A difficult one. You'd be unhappy at the strain of spending Christmas with her but feel guilty if you don't. I had a difficult dad who was very argumentative. One year my sister and family didn't go round and nor did I. Brothers and their families were so alienated they didn't either.
DH and I visited on Boxing Day instead. Mum said, 'no-one came round' without making a fuss and we ate yesterdays lovely trifle. She must have felt a bit sad but it was really dad who was to blame. However, I never really shook off that guilt.

sparechange · 17/10/2016 08:31

Get the brandy out, have a few laughs

Bless you and your blinding naivety! Go back through your post and replace 'mother' with 'abusive ex husband' and see if it still makes sense to you.

Getting the brandy out with my mother wouldn't result in 'a few laughs'. It would result in her screaming all our collective failures at us, probably while making insulting comments about the house, clothes and quality of brandy.

Perhaps if you aren't able to see an OPs situation other than through the prism of your own life, you aren't best placed to offer advice on the situation

3luckystars · 17/10/2016 08:33

Could you visit her for an hour, later in the day?

ShotsFired · 17/10/2016 08:34

This is a grown woman we are talking about, yes?
Has anyone considered that she might just possibly be able to cope by herself for what is essentially just another day on the calendar?

Having voluntarily spent several Christmases alone (despite having perfectly nice and willing family only a few miles away), I can confirm that nothing magical happens on Christmas Day, it is in fact just another 24hr period.

There is so much piety around how people must bestow benevolence and bring these supposedly bereft souls into the embrace of their wonderful special day, as anything else is just unthinkable and the poor person must be dying inside because they are not with you.

Your super amazing family day is still just another day. It just has extra wrapping paper.

If you don't like the woman, don't invite her. She'll cope just fine without your largesse.

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Rrross1ges · 17/10/2016 08:40

Lock the doors, stock up on Quality Street and Baileys and watch TV in bed all day. Your mother's situation is of her own making. It's not your fault that she's awful, it's not your fault that her other children and siblings don't want to spend Christmas with her. So don't feel guilty about wanting to enjoy Christmas without her.

Rrross1ges · 17/10/2016 08:42

sparechange brilliantly put.

EdmundCleverClogs · 17/10/2016 08:43

I don't think you need to justify yourself op, but reading between the lines I think you've been doing it a long time. You have siblings, why can they say no and you can't? You deserve the Christmas you want (as much as you can), it's not your behaviour that has lead to this point.

I would love to be as ignorant as some posters on here, the 'you only have one mum' bollocks is just emotional blackmail. Being a parent doesn't give you free pass to be awful to your kids, and then expect to be included in their lives. If they need a 'break' from you, then you certainly need to re-evaluate your behaviour!

Have a lovely, guilt-free Christmas, op.

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