To make my mother spend Christmas Day on her own?

[steppinstone]

My mother is hard work. Doesn't really have any friends as she falls out with everyone. My siblings don't want to spend Christmas with her.

We have my DC every other Christmas as I'm divorced. On the Christmases we've not had the DC we haven't really celebrated, just stayed in bed and watched films. It feels a bit sad without the children, although we have a nice quiet time.

The years we have the children, we do have my mum for Christmas Day.

The years we don't, I don't want to have to 'put on' Christmas just for her. We have her on Boxing Day when the DC are here and we have 'our'christmas day.

AIBU? I feel slightly bad for making her spend the day alone. But I know I will dread Christmas if we had to spend it with her I her own.

[LetitiaCropleysCookbook]

From what the op has said, I would take it that her mother is 'difficult' and negative, rather than horrible and abusive. The former is draining, but not as poisonous as the latter, and I can understand not wanting to have the bother, but feeling guilty because of all the Xmas-family-jollity hype that surrounds Christmas now.

If you're really going to be torturing yourself over your mother being alone on the day, op, could you possibly go over to hers for Xmas tea? (Don't know how far away she is). An hour or so would be enough, just so she has had some visitors, and would assuage your guilt (which can be difficult to live with, no matter how unnecessary!)

Or as pp have suggested, take her out to Xmas lunch. You might enjoy it, and her negativity may be diluted when out at a hotel or restaurant?

[Rachel0Greep]

Its Christmas, not National Martyrdom Day.

This should be patented! It's so very true.
OP I can't see any problem, tbh, with what you do.

[Lottapianos]

YANBU at all OP and I'm glad you know that. I completely relate to the guilt though - I'm not spending Christmas with my parents for about the fourth year in a row and have had a massive attack of guilt in the past week or so. Like another poster said, it gets trained into you from a very early age with parents like this.

Some people on here get it, some people don't. Plenty of us understand and are telling you that you have nothing to feel guilty about. Have a day in bed if that's what you feel like. Its Christmas, not National Martyrdom Day. You're allowed to have an enjoyable day for yourself, whatever you fancy do ing

[mollie123]

did your mother ask to come to you on Christmas day when the grandchildren were not there? - in which case why get in a lather or feel guilty about not seeing her till Boxing day.

[Inertia]

You are definitely NOT BU.

You will be inviting your mother to share and celebrate Christmas with you and your family , despite her poor treatment of you. It's just that you've planned that for the 26th when you have the children, not the 25th. And you have your mother with you for every Christmas Day when the children are with you anyway.

You are already doing more than your fair share of absorbing your mother's toxicity. Do not listen to the handwringing on here about only having one mother and how selfish you would be to do Christmas with your mother and children on Boxing Day and do your own thing on the 25th- you are absolutely not being selfish, and there are numerous other family members she could visit.

I think you are being more than fair to tell her that she is welcome on the 26th when you celebrate Christmas, but you'll be having a quiet day with DP on the 25th so your mum should arrange to see other family members. (It's also not your responsibility to sort out where she goes! She's not incapable or infirm, just objectionable!)

[DiscoMike]

She's having Christmas at yours on Boxing day - that's enough.

[ThatStewie]

Giving birth to a child does not mean they are required to spend the rest of their lives prioritising you if you act like a dick.

The 'you only have one mother' is the kind of horseshit that traps women in relationships with violent men: if only they'd worked harder, been nicer, then the poor ickle men/mothers/ fathers/ whatever wouldn't have had to treat them like crap.

[FRETGNIKCUF]

God..

I could write this OP.

[diddl]

Have I read this correctly?

One year you do Christmas Day on Christmas Day & invite her?

The next you do Christmas Day on Boxing Day & invite her?

It might be nice to have tea/coffee/cake & have her for that for a couple of hrs if she's close enough, but if you're celebrating Christmas the next day, she's not missing anything, is she?

Or she could invite you if she didn't want to spend CD alone.
(again, distance permitting)

So she celebrates Christmas with you every year, it just alternates between CD & BD?

[SparkleSausage]

YANBU - you are having her for your Christmas Day it just happens to be on Boxing Day. It's just a day. Don't beat yourself up, just focus on dealing with your own day without DC and not worrying about anyone else. People who don't have this sort of relationship will never understand!

[girlywhirly]

YANBU. You have this unpleasant woman on Christmas days when the DC are with you, and on Boxing days when they are not. I don't see any problem with that, it's not as if you refuse to see her at all.

OP, I understand exactly what Narcissistic Personality Disorder is and how it destroys the lives of families, and spoils family events. Sometimes you need to not be around these people, and strangely they often upset so many, that they lose friends and aren't invited anywhere. I don't think the one person should spoil the enjoyment of many others.

[ArcheryAnnie]

I think a day in pjs watching telly sounds lovely!

I think you should do what you want. If you want to ring her in the morning to say happy christmas, you can. If she lives very locally, if you want you can visit her, or invite her around for tea, but if you don't want to, you don't have to. She's coming on Boxing Day - that's enough.

[joshlymanlover]

I understand. If you don't have a mother like that it's hard to understand.

My grandmother was like this. The year we had her was awful and she insulted us all. But we did manage to laugh a lot about it and still had fun..... just!

[ifonly4]

The first two sentences of your message could have been written by me. We do have my Mum every Christmas, however, she has no other family. Last year we had a tricky one - DH's sister invited us last year - DH said he understood and accepted my Mum would be on her own and that's why we should have her. In the end we had Mum out of shear guilt. Sister-in-law has invited us again and I'm already feeling bad.

However, my Mum knows we keep things simple and do it our way. Yes, we do have xmas lunch (normal roast dinner, bought xmas pud) but for tea it's just whatever is in the fridge - I don't buy loads of extras. In all fairness to her, she obviously likes more for her xmas tea and has got into the habit of bringing some snacky stuff up and goes off into the kitchen to start off tea. If you do give in and have your Mum, just explain to her you're planning on a really lazy day, won't be spending ages over xmas lunch and plan to watch a film. That way, she knows what's on offer.

[clearingaspaceforthecat]

I agree with PPs.
You do not have to justify your decision.
And, you are not making your mum spend Christmas Day on her own. She has plenty of time to look into alternatives if she wishes to.
She is not your responsibility.
I hope you have a lovely day whatever you do and enjoy Boxing Day with your children.

[augustusglupe]

Can't you have her over for lunch and the evening and have a nice cosy Christmas morning to yourselves. If it was me, that's what I'd do. Say, pick her up around midday and then take her home in the evening. I haven't read the whole thread so not sure how near to you she lives.
I have experience of awkward DM and very awkward MIL in the past, but wouldn't have left either on their own on Christmas Day.

[ample]

It doesn't mean that you are wrong for thinking and feeling the way you do.
If you do start to have your mum as a guest on Dec 25th (when you don't have the children over) does this mean you will have her as a guest every Dec 25th?
Be careful.

[ample]

Your official christmas day this year falls on the 26th, so it makes sense to me to have your mum stay then (when you have the children).
She's not going without Christmas. Plenty of people celebrate on the 24th or 26th instead on Dec 25th.
YANBU

[SaucyJack]

Is there a reason why she couldn't host Christmas at hers if it's that important to her to have a family day?

Or is Christmas dinner only meaningful when it's held at other people's effort and expense?

[LillianGish]

You are celebrating Christmas on Boxing Day this year? And she is invited? In that case I see no need to invite her Christmas Day - don't see why this is even an issue. You are postponing Christmas by one day and she's coming. Wouldn't give it another thought - sounds entirely reasonable to me.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

Can't stand all these "it's your mother, the only one you have!" posts. They have no idea what a narcissistic parent can be like.

[RockinHippy]

You need to change the way you think this, you are falling for the classic Narc guilt.


You are NOT making your DM spend Xmas on her own, you are for once choosing to spend Xmas in a way that suits you & your DH best

If your DM is on her own for Xmas, its because she has chosen to make how she spends Xmas, YOUR responsibility - it isn't!!

So long as you give her plenty of notice, she has time to find something else to fill her time, whether thats offer an olive branch to your other siblings, go on holiday or maybe volunteer her self to help a charity

[carpskk]

I think it's very hard for anyone without a narcissistic parent to understand why you wouldn't just do Xmas day with her.

So because I do have one I completely get it. Christmas Day on Boxing Day is sufficient. Perhaps she will make more effort with you and your sibs on future - then again - she probably won't!

Do t feel guilty because that is what she wants!

[glitterandtinsel]

Guilt has been trained into you since you were a child. It's how the narcs control their children. Fear obligation and guilt. You don't have anything to feel guilty about. She should be kind and loving.

[Donatellalymanmoss]

YANBU OP because you are having her for Christmas on the day you're doing Christmas.